Rossleigh: Good morning, Mr Morrison was once again unavailable for interview so I’ve tracked down a spokesman. While I was going to write “spokesperson” the person I”m interviewing objected to all that political correct nonsense and told me that God made him a man and he wasn’t ashamed of it, so spokesman it is. Good morning, Mr Spokesman.
Spokesman: This is just typical of the left-wing media. For a start, I have a name and secondly, you were mocking my religion.
Rossleigh: Hang on! Didn’t you only agree to do this interview on the condition of anonymity, and secondly, how am I mocking your religion.
Spokesman: By having a distinct tone when you referred to God and by suggesting that it was me who used the phrase, ‘political correct nonsense’.
Rossleigh: But it was you who used that phrase.
Spokesman: Yes, but that’s not the point. The point is that all those politically correct people will object to me saying that what they believe is nonsense because they’re very quick to jump on anybody who attacks their beliefs.
Rossleigh: Well, isn’t that what you just did to me?
Spokesman: When I agreed to do this interview I expected you to be fair but clearly you’re no Ray Hadley…
Rossleigh: You find Ray Hadley fair?
Spokesman: He’s always been very fair to Mr Morrison and allowed him to put his point of view across without all these interruptions to contradict him.
Rossleigh: But I haven’t interrupted you.
Spokesman: There you go again.
Rossleigh: Anyway, I wanted to ask you about the India travel ban.
Spokesman: A complete media beat-up.
Rossleigh: Are you denying that there’s a travel ban?
Spokesman: No, I’m suggesting that it was only the media reporting it that made people aware of it. If it wasn’t for all that reporting nobody would have ever known about it.
Rossleigh: Well, I’d suggest that the people wanting to return from India might have noticed.
Spokesman: Yes but they don’t count.
Rossleigh: With respect, I’d suggest that they certainly count to their families, and anyone with an ounce of empathy.
Spokesman: When I said that they don’t count, I didn’t mean that they don’t count. I simply meant that the important thing is keeping Australians safe is the most important thing here.
Rossleigh: Yes but the people we are talking about are Australians wishing to return home.
Spokesman: Technically yes, but we need to consider those Australians who might be impacted if we didn’t secure our borders.
Rossleigh: Wasn’t your government highly critical of states for shutting their borders? Doesn’t it strike you as hypocritical…
Spokesmen: If I could just stop you there.
Spokesman: Thanks I just wanted to stop you before you pointed out the hypocrisy. After all, who among us is without sin and let he who is without hypocrisy cast the first stone. I’ll bet you were standing with Dan and you didn’t worry about shutting borders then.
Rossleigh: If we could stick to the point here. You’re saying that threatening people with jail for returning home…
Spokesman: Nobody was threatened with jail. The PM made that very clear.
Rossleigh: But it was in the media release. You don’t put something in a media release accidentally, do you?
Spokesman: Look, that media statement was released at midnight. Clearly we didn’t want anybody looking at it!
Rossleigh: So you’re saying that you issue media releases of things that you don’t want the media to report on? Why on earth would you do that?
Rossleigh: Yes, I can see that. You’re the most transparent government I can remember.
Rossleigh: Yes, everyone can see through you.
Spokesman: Let me make it perfectly clear. The PM has no intention of sending anyone to jail or fining them if they return home from India. It was in the press release but that was just a statement of the possible penalties if people did return home but they won’t be applied.
Rossleigh: But the PM doesn’t administer the law! It’s not up to him to decide who gets prosecuted. Separation of powers means…
Spokesman: If you’re talking about the separation of church and state then let me remind you that Scott Morrison’s religion is a very private thing and to suggest that he can’t be PM just because he believes…
Rossleigh: No, I’m talking about the whole idea that those who make the law, don’t administer the law. It’s the whole idea that the law needs to be applied without discrimination…
Spokesman: Well, I’m sorry but I think this whole anti-discrimination thing is just political correctness gone mad.
Rossleigh: Finally, on another matter. How long will the government be keeping the Biloela family in detention?
Spokesman: The matter is before the courts so I can’t comment.
Rossleigh: It’s only before the court because the government won’t admit that it would be a simple matter to let them return home and…
Spokesman: It may seem that way, but we can’t have children being born illegally in this country. The two girls were not legal births because their parents were on temporary protection visas. If we backed down on this, there’d be a flood of illegal immigrants flooding into the country and they’d all drown on the way, so it’s really a compassionate policy.
Rossleigh: Hang on how can they flood into the country if they’re drowning on the way? Forget that, you call them illegal immigrants but they have a right to seek asylum
Spokesman: Yes, but that doesn’t alter the fact that they entered this country illegally.
Rossleigh: Ok, so when were the people on Manus and Nauru be prosecuted?
Rossleigh: For breaking the law. When were they prosecuted?
Spokesman: They weren’t.
Rossleigh: So when will they be? I mean, I would imagine that given the penalty for those returning from India was only five years and the PM says that nobody will even be sentenced, that if the people we’ve held in detention for eight years were sentenced and convicted, the time already served would mean that they could walk free straight away…
Spokesman: Umm… It’s not the sort of law that we prosecute because… um…
Rossleigh: You wouldn’t be able to hold them in detention indefinitely if they were actually charged with anything.
Rossleigh: But surely that…
Spokesman: War with China.
Spokesman: War with China is practically inevitable. I mean, just look at all the people saying it. If we don’t declare war on them soon, they’ll think we all talk and no action and refuse to take us seriously.
Rossleigh: Well, if we’re going to war with them, why are we still selling them iron ore?
Spokesman: I’m sorry, but I must take this phone call.
Like what we do at The AIMN?
You’ll like it even more knowing that your donation will help us to keep up the good fight.
Chuck in a few bucks and see just how far it goes!