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I first want to start by saying, that I am not an…

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Rossleigh is a writer, director and teacher. As a writer, his plays include “The Charles Manson Variety Hour”, “Pastiche”, “Snap!”, “That’s Me In The Distance”, “48 Hours (without Eddie Murphy)”, and “A King of Infinite Space”. His acting credits include “Pinor Noir Noir” for “Short and Sweet” and carrying the coffin in “The Slap”. His ten minutes play, “Y” won the 2013 Crash Test Drama Final.

Scott Morrison And The Ministry Of Information And Stuff That We Should Believe…

In a crisis, good information is paramount so it’s really lucky that this isn’t a crisis.

Just in case you’re confused, it’s not a crisis because we have everything on target and going to plan and now, we have a four phase plan which describes what will happen in the future assuming that it does. Added to this we now have some army guys running “Operation Covid Shield” which aims to shield the Prime Minister from any awkward questions by having the generals answer them. General Frewen announced in June that we were having a “complete refresh” which is army talk for: ‘’We just sustained a series of heavy defeats so we’re pretending that our strategy of retreat and surrender is part of a new plan for victory.”

But I think you’ll all agree that it’s good to have the army in charge… Well, not in charge. There hasn’t been a military coup, in spite of Dutton being Defence Minister. The vaccine rollout had been in the hands of private companies but like the Covid-Safe App and JobKeeper, it soon became apparent that this was only fifty percent effective. While it didn’t actually help with the battle against Covid-19, it did manage to transfer money from the pockets of the government into private industry which – as anyone following the Liberals knows – it’s better that people have the money rather than governments.

To illustrate this you only have to look at the Great Barrier Reef foundation who were given nearly half a billion dollars without asking for it, or the Car Park scheme where money was allocated for a car park next to a non-existent train station. You wouldn’t get private industry spending money like that. No, as the Liberals keep telling us, don’t trust us with anything, we’re incompetent! Well, they don’t say it quite like that, but they tell us that governments can’t be trusted to be efficient, even when they’re the government.

Anyway, back to the importance of information in battling Covid-19. Let’s clearly set it all out:

  1. Lockdowns are bad for the economy and we need to work to avoid them, and the Prime Minister says Gladys is wonderful because she’s managed to do just that.
  2. In order to stop lockdowns you need to get vaccinated.
  3. People aren’t getting vaccinated because there’s some confusion about the fact that they can’t book in unless they see their doctor and if they’re under sixty lots of doctors are telling them that they’d be better to wait for the Pfizer dose which is coming in millions of doses in the coming months.
  4. Scott Morrison’s office leaks to journalists that he was the one who encouraged Gladys to lockdown.
  5. More than half of Australia’s population is in lockdown, so you need to consider asking your doctor again about Astra-Zeneca because things have changed.
  6. We need to get more people vaccinated to get the economy moving.
  7. Brendan Murphy and the PM are telling us that more vaccinations wouldn’t have stopped the current lockdowns anyway because Delta is happening in other countries who have a much better vaccine rollout…
  8. By much better vaccine rollout, it should be made very clear that they only had a better rollout because they weren’t victims of their own success like we were and they thought it was a race.
  9. It wasn’t a race but now it is and we have to catch up, so will someone do a story about the restorative power of curries when it comes to hair growth?

I think that’s about it.

Quotes from the movie, Forrest Morrison:

“Life is like a box of chocolates because you never know what you’re getting unless you look at the bottom of the box and then all the chocolates fall out.” – Scotty

”Listen, you promise me something, OK? Just if you’re ever in trouble, don’t be brave. You just run, OK? Just run away.” – Jenny

“I may not be a smart man, Jenny, but I know what polls are.” Scotty

”Run, Scotty, run!” Rupert Murdoch

”Stupid is as, stupid does.” Barnaby Joyce.

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Why Did We Need Katie Hopkins When We Have So Many Unemployed Bigots Here Already?

Ah, cancel culture strikes and Katie Hopkins is sent away simply because she refused to obey the law… The outrage industry strikes again.

I know I’m repeating myself, but well, isn’t history just littered with people who repeat themselves until somebody says why didn’t they say that before and when the person says that they did, they’re asked why they didn’t say it more often…

Ok, in capitals so we all hear it:

WHY ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY PAID TO BE OUTRAGED ALL THE TIME LIKE BOLT AND JONES, THE VERY PEOPLE WHO ACCUSE OTHER PEOPLE OF BEING PART OF AN ‘OUTRAGE INDUSTRY”???

But then there’s a lot of things I don’t understand!

For example, what are we to make of this?

“Prime Minister Scott Morrison says his government is in ‘constant appeal’ for the Australian Technical Advisory Group on Immunisation to change its advice on the AstraZeneca vaccine.” Sky News

However the matter doesn’t end there with Scotty thundering at reporters: “Are you suggesting that the government when advised by the technical and advisory group on immunisation, some of the most senior level scientific medicos in the country, tell the government that the preferred vaccine for people of particular ages is 50 then they changed it to 60 that the government should refuse that advice?”

Yep, but the recent brouhaha with Katie Hopkins confuses me even more.

Ok, it’s true that there’s a certain irony that someone who is so hostile to lockdowns would come all the way to Australia just so she could be locked down in the Big Brother house, However, one wonders whether she was ever more than a publicity stunt for Channel 7. You know, “We’ll pay you X amount to come to Australia and be so offensive that we sack you. You can go back home and every news outlet will be giving us free publicity and then you can go back home and do some interviews about cancel culture!”

Win/win!

Anyway, I sort of have trouble when “conservatives” decide that they can break the law because they don’t agree with it. Yeah, yeah, I get that people need to break laws when they feel that they’re unjust or something… But when someone like Sally McManus – that union person – says something about being prepared to do just that, wasn’t she’s told that the LAW is sacrosanct? It’s not up to us to decide, to pick and choose what laws to follow – but hey, she wasn’t a CONSERVATIVE saying that we should break the law. She was one of those people who don’t understand their place and who thinks that they can break laws just because they want to, as opposed to people who have lawyers who can get them off…

Hmm, I’m tempted to make some tasteless joke about Gladys dating her lawyer because she needs someone who can get her off, but that may seem sexist to some and I may be forced to do that optional training that’s meant to solve sexual harassment and bullying in Federal Parliament. Oh wait, it’s optional. Yes, well that should make about as much difference as Scotty’s recent hair transplant makes to the vaccine rollout.

Yes, compare the favourable coverage some publican in Echuca received from Nine News when he decided to defy the lockdown and stay open with how they react when some poor casual worker decides to keep working in breach of health orders. One is doing it because it’s hard to keep a business afloat so we need to be understanding of the pressures, while the other is only doing it so that they can eat.

Whatever, it was good to see the PM demonstrate to us all that he’s still alive by holding a press conference where he announced that things were basically on target but just a little bit late and that’s mainly the fault of ATAGI… which, apart from the fact that he told us earlier this year that they wouldn’t be setting targets, does use the term «on target » in a rather unique way. «I was basically there for the ten o’clock meeting, apart from the fact that it started at ten and I arrived at midday! »

Of course, it was offensive of one journalist to suggest that the government do anything other than follow the health advice. That’s why the PM is adopting the Great Barrier Reef strategy. It would be wrong to ignore an independent body, so we’ll do the best we can to pressure them to give us the advice we want to follow. And if that doesn’t work, we can cut their funding like we did with the audit office… Mind you that only works if they’re funded by the government.

Yes, sometimes Scott Morrison just rambles on with meaningless waffles and lies, but other times, he disappears and says nothing.

Either way, his detractors are never satisfied… and speaking of Dutton and Frydenberg, apparently, Dutton thinks he has the numbers but without Mathias there to confirm them, he’s not willing to move. Josh was sure he had the numbers but after a recount, he discovered that he was short by sixty billion…

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Barnaby Has Already Achieved Net Zero!

One thing I’ve noticed about Coalition governments is that they like to tell us that they have a plan. Ok, exactly what it is may not be self-evident. I guess that’s why they need to tell just that there is one even if it’s; a) commercial-in-confidence or; b) part of a booklet that us that doesn’t mention the details but has lots of photos of Coalition MPs or; c) being developed in greater detail to be released some time in the very near future… Yes, in the scheme of human history any time this century is in the near future.

So it was rather surprising to hear Barnaby Joyce on the ABC this morning tell us that he couldn’t commit to net zero until he’d had a chance to look at the plan and consider the whether saving the planet was worth the cost…

Ok, I’m going to have to digress and make a point that I’ve made many times before: WE ARE NOT SAVING THE PLANET WITH ACTION ON CLIMATE CHANGE!!

That might sound a bit controversial. I may even sound like I’ve gone back to my National Party roots when I say that the planet’s climate has changed many times in its history and that it’ll adapt. but hear me out. Of course, the planet will adapt. It’s humans that may not. We may become extinct and take all those things we regard as cute and cuddly with us, leaving just the cockroaches… which, in spite of what some may think, does not include Rupert Murdoch and his stenographers.

Yes, Barnaby wanted the Labor Party to release a plan for achieving net zero. He didn’t seem to realise that he’s been in government for the past eight years… perhaps that’s because he’s been a bit disoriented over the past few years owing to… can I say a range of factors without another Coalition MP getting all litigious?

Anyway, he did tell us where he was – Walcha Road – several times in the interview… perhaps it was code, perhaps it was a request for someone to come looking for him. Whatever, it certainly answers my charge about him being disoriented incorrect when it comes to geography. However, I was referring to that video he released where he demanded that the government get out of his life… Personally, I agree and think it would be awesome if the government had no connection to Joyce, however…

So Labor, it’s up to you. Barnaby has told us that they don’t have a plan and this is a problem for Scott Morrison – who we’re told wants to achieve net zero emissions at the same time as vaccinating the population. Both are to happen, “as soon as possible” which is a pretty ambitious plan for most of us, but it seems pretty pedestrian for a man like him who believes in miracles. Couldn’t we have at least one of them happening before it’s possible instead of waiting for the possible? Otherwise, where’s the miracle?

sigh<

Maybe I should just congratulate Barnaby for achieving net zero in politics and conclude that maybe the planet knows what its doing and when the cockroaches take over, it might be an improvement.

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Josh Frydenberg: Why Everything Is Labor’s Fault But Liberals Are Just Victims Of Circumstance!

From the time of the oil shocks of the 70s, there’s been one consistent approach to the rhetoric of the Liberal Party: If Labor were in power when something happens, then it’s their fault but if the Liberals are in power, it’s also Labor’s fault… unless we can claim that it was obviously nothing to do with us and any suggestion from Labor is just playing politics with something that should be above politics… That’s the thing with Labor, they play politics, we don’t, we just get on with the job of finding some scapegoat and moving on in the hope that you’ll be upset that Labor dared to say anything when hindsight is easy from those people who warned us that this was likely to happen!

Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice that over the past week a couple of interesting things have happened with regard to the whole pandemic thing. First, there was the brouhaha about whether or not Kevin Rudd had any effect in the acceleration of the Pfizer rollout. While the front page of The Australian told us that millions of extra doses were here, they seemed to be using the word “here” in a way that I don’t find consistent with the dictionary definition, and it seems to me that what we have is another announcement that we’ve moved from the front of the queue to further up the queue and our improved place means that we’ll actually be getter more doses sooner than was scheduled even though they’re not really needed because, apparently, vaccines wouldn’t have prevented the Sydney lockdown or as some people call it, « the ban on browsing in shops that aren’t big Liberal donors »!

But putting aside whether Rudd was successful or not, and putting aside any suggestion that Rudd was trying to make himself seem like the country’s saviour. Put Kevin completely to one side and don’t even start with the “at least he tried” or anything. If we accept that Kevin didn’t achieve anything, what are we left with?

It seems that the current Prime Minister (Scott Morrison, in case you’ve forgotten) could make 55 phone calls trying to get Marty Corman a job, but when it comes to contacting Pfizer, “he doesn’t hold a phone, mate!”! Of course, the government can soon jump to action when there’s a genuine emergency. Look how quickly they responded when Kevin was getting a bit of thanks. How quickly they contacted Pfizer and got a spokesperson to tell everyone that Kevin had no role in contractual negotiations. Speed of light when something’s really important…

Of course, I know some of you can’t help but point out that there was never any suggestion that Kevin was involved in contracts. And some of you will be wondering how high up the spokesperson was. But leave all that and give credit where credit is due. When it comes to patting themselves on the back, the current mob of Liberals are gold standard.

All of which brings me to Joshie from the now-marginal seat of Kooyong and his performance on 7.30.

I’m going to begin by saying that the obvious way to deal with things is to establish clear guidelines before an event. If you haven’t done that because the unexpected happens then put in place rules or guidelines for what happens in the future. For example, if worker can take time off to go with their partner for their baby’s ultrasound because we have a family-friendly workplace, does that mean that another worker can take time off to get my partner pregnant? Obviously not, and unless the rules are clearly spelled out then you have all sorts of questions about what’s allowable and what’s not and if the boss’s partner is given time off to get his or her hair cut, then you’re going to have resentment, even if you do say that in the future you can all get you hair cut on company time.

Apparently, we’re all sick of Daniel Andrews’ whinging. Now, I know that not everyone stands with Dan, but I find it hard to imagine that even his worst critics would suggest that he’s spent the past year or so complaining. As far as playing politics goes, Andrews seems to have worked constructively with Scott Morrison which is nearly as amazing as seeing « Scott Morrison » and « work » in the same sentence. But no, pointing out that Victoria has had to fight for every cent while NSW is presented with heaps of extra funding is just « whinging ». Josh and his state Liberal mates have never been guilty of that. They’ve never complained because there was a lockdown then complained that the lockdown wasn’t quick enough. No, they’ve just been terribly constructive.

Josh went on to dismiss any criticism as “bots and Trots”! That’s the sort of witty rhyme that must go down a treat at Liberal functions but will annoy anyone who doesn’t think they’re a robot and doesn’t identify with the Trotskyists… And no, I don’t mean the Maoists and Stalinists!

But I guess that’s the way the right-wing works. Any criticism is just envy! Why, who hasn’t made a mistake and vaccinated 160 boys who just happened to have consent forms? The fact that it was a private school has nothing to do with it: You’re just starting class warfare. This is political correctness gone mad. Refusing to buy something because you don’t approve of the people who are behind it? Why, that’s cancel culture. Once everyone’s on an Indue card, we will decide who you purchase from and the circumstances in which you purchase!

Is it too far-fetched to suggest that in the near future, we’ll have some Liberal-friendly commentator saying that the current mess is all the fault of Labor for not winning the last election?

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Scotty The Inspiration For My Own Four Phase Plan!

There’s something very reassuring and inspiring about the Prime Minister’s four phase plan.

No, I don’t mean the one about post photos of Jen and the girls if photos of him making a curry isn’t enough to distract from the last SNAFU. In case you haven’t seen it,

  • PHASE 1: Reaching a certain vaccination threshold after offering all Australians the chance to get the vaccine
  • PHASE 2: Post-vaccination phase where focus shifts from suppressing the virus to minimising serious illness and death.
  • PHASE 3: Consolidation phase where health authorities manage Covid-19 similar to other infectious diseases like the flu.
  • PHASE 4: Complete return to normal with no lockdowns or border closures, and quarantine only for unvaccinated travellers.

As Scotty from 100 easy curries to make using more ingredients than you need, explained “The first phase is the one we are in – vaccinate, prepare and pilot…We continue to suppress the virus. That involves the implementation of the national vaccination plan to offer every Australian an opportunity to be vaccinated with the necessary doses of the relevant vaccine as soon as possible.” This explains why he was photographed sitting in the cockpit of that plane. It’s not because the pit was named after him; it’s to show that he’s our pilot. Phase one also includes the helpful information that we’ll reach “a certain vaccination threshold” which is so much better than the uncertain one that we’ve had until now. This also explains why he offered the under forties the chance to go to their doctor and be charged to have their GP tell them that they didn’t advise it and there weren’t enough vaccines to go round anyway.

See we’ll soon all have the opportunity because it’ll happen as soon as possible, which is the same deadline for so many other priorities like an integrity commission, an inquiry by Phil Gaetjens or infrastructure in a safe Labor seat.

Of course many of you may have noticed that according to the PM, we’re not in Phase Two yet. That’s the one where «focus shifts from suppressing the virus to minimising serious illness and death.”

This explains why we need to open up, get out from under the doona and avoid lockdown until we say “whoops, should have done it before there were so many hot spots that nobody can be bothered reading them all.”

Anyway, Mr Morrison has inspired me to develop my own four phase plan for helping kids catch up after all the remote learning they’ve done.

  • PHASE 1: Reaching a certain attendance threshold after offering all students the chance to return to the classroom and teachers to ensure that they’re professionally dressed both top and bottom.
  • PHASE 2: Post-return phase where focus shifts from work students can be doing at home to situation where they can be distracted by nearby students instead of their siblings and parents.
  • PHASE 3: Consolidation phase where authorities manage any problems by suggesting it’s the fault of new fads in education, a lack of quality graduates becoming teachers, or teachers just not trying hard enough.
  • PHASE 4: Complete return to normal with no concern about how kids are learning and no remote learning or school closures, and stories about education reserved for when some narrow international test shows that we’re behind some other countries when we always able to be number one in the world like we are in all sports and other endeavours.

Before closing I’d just like to respond to what Julia Banks said about why she left politics. She’s accused Morrison of being menacing and like a wallpaper. Now I’d just like to point out that the only time anyone’s suggested that a wallpaper is «menacing » was in a 19th Century story called “The Yellow Wallpaper” about a woman with mental illness, and as we know from reports which the PMO assures us doesn’t come from them about all those other women negative saying things about the Big Swinging Dicks club, you can’t ever believe any woman who got stressed because none of the Liberal men have ever experienced sexism and anyone who has must be a bit of a girl who can’t stand the rough and tumble of politics like blokes can. Now I have it on good authority – not the PMO’s office, no definitely not, we don’t need another six month long inquiry into who knew nothing and what they didn’t say about what they didn’t know – that the Prime Minister reached out to Ms Banks and tried to understand but she was too upset to express her reasons clearly and what can a bloke do when a woman just says that she’s leaving because of the disgusting behaviour and bullying of the people in charge except shake his head and sigh and make another curry.

Say what you like about Mr Morrison. I always find him an inspiration.

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A Guide To Covid Vaccinations OR Naked Men Startle Deer…

Now a lot of people are suggesting that there is a lot of confusion surrounding the rollout of vaccines here in Australia. I’d like to point out that the only reason people are confused is that they’ve been listening to the updates from Morrison and Hunt instead of simply turning up and being either turned away or vaccinated.

Before I go on, did anyone actually have two naked men being startled by a deer AND Victoria one of a handful of places not in lockdown on their bingo card? You did? Well, I think if you can lie like that, there’s a place for you on the Coalition front bench…

Just to save time here, as well as sparing any Coalition MPs the expense of getting a lawyer to draft me a letter, I would just like to say that I apologise and any suggestion that any individual on the front bench of the Coalition has told a lie was made in error and I don’t wish to impugn the good name of anyone. I certainly wouldn’t wish to make them waste any more money on lawyers whether it’s their own or taxpayers. As I would be unable to mount a truth defence because there’s no evidence on the internet that any of them have actually said anything that they later say they never said, I feel my only course of action is to apologise and to agree to pay the costs that they haven’t incurred owing to the fact that my apology occurred before they received legal advice, making it an enormous win for whoever took offence to my suggestion that their statements may have been only loosely connected with what most people call reality. I think we can consider this an even bigger win for the Coalition than when strenuously-denier Christian Porter settled his case with the ABC.

Anyway, it’s quite simple:

  1. If you’re over 60 the Astra Zeneca vaccine is the best one for you to have.
  2. If you’re over 50, it was the best one but now it’s not, so don’t get it unless you already got your first dose, in which case you should get your second dose..
  3. IF you’re between 40 and 50, you are eligible to get a Pfizer dose as soon as you find someone who has one. It’s not recommended that you have the Astra Zeneca.
  4. If you’re under 40, you’ll be turned away unless the person at the centre doesn’t check your ID and like those pubs that served you when you were under 18, you can get away with getting the non-recommended Astra Zeneca.
  5. If you’re Jane Norman, you might get lucky and get a Pfizer.
  6. If you’re any age you can get an Astra Zeneca vaccine because it’s been clarified that there was never a time that you weren’t able to. It’s just that nobody would let you and now it’s a bit like growing up and putting on your big boy pants and saying, “You’re not my boss and I’m going to do this even though you told me that it was dangerous.”
  7. Because people are over-reacting to the potential side-effects and the fact that we were just told that lots of other vaccines are coming, we’d like to point out that all of them are relatively safe and effective, so go get one, but only after taking to your doctor who is indemnified against any hiccup.

I think that explains in a way that should be clear to everyone, except for Amanda Vanstone who went rogue and missed the memo that the states were hoarding vaccines and they should use what they had without the need to keep some for second doses. Her opinion piece in the Costello propaganda paper accused Victoria of mucking things up by using vaccines and not holding some back because we couldn’t expect to given extra for a second one for those who’d had their first. But then Amanda has never been great at… actually I was about to finish that sentence and so many things came to mind that I can’t actually remember which one I was intending to use.

Like the vaccine rollout, someone else will need to take over if it’s going to be finished any time in the near future.

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Why A Stay At Home Order Is Better Than A Lockdown!

“Hi Ben, I think it’s your shout.”

”Ok, two beers, thanks.”

“We better drink ‘em quickly before Dictator Dan gets back and shuts the whole state down.”

”Like in NSW you mean?”

”Nah, they’ve just got a stay at home order. That’s not a lockdown. Glorious Gladys doesn’t do lockdowns. She keeps the state running..”

”Actually I believe they’re calling it a lockdown now so you may have to stop calling Gladys ‘glorious’!”

“Well, even if they are locking down, it’s not really her fault.”

”How do you figure that?”

”Well all those other premiers were locking down unnecessarily when they only had a handful of cases, so she presumed that she wouldn’t have to because NSW would only be a handful of cases too.”

”Isn’t it possible that it’s because they locked down early that they only had a handful of cases?”

”I don’t think you can say that. As Scott Morrison said last year, we can’t hide under the doona forever.”

”So why is he in quarantine?”

”He just wants to keep us all safe.”

”Then why didn’t he vaccinate us all sooner? It sure looks like it should have been a race.”

”You just jump on any chance to criticise the Liberals. Thanks to Scomo we’re all a lot safer. Those vaccines are so dangerous they’re going to stop administering them after October.”

”That’s just Astra Zeneca. And even it’s got a much lower death rate than Covid, which I seem to remember you telling me was such a small death rate that we shouldn’t worry.”

”Yeah, but you can’t help getting Covid whereas you can refuse a vaccine because they’re all dangerous. Pauline Hanson and Clive Palmer have been alerting people to the fact that over two hundred people in Australia have died after getting the jab.”

”That doesn’t mean that the vaccination caused the deaths. I mean, if you get hit by a bus on the way home from the vaccination centre, you died after getting the injection but it doesn’t mean that Astra Zeneca was the cause.”

”Well, it does because if you didn’t go there you’d have been safe at home.”

“Like when we have a lockdown?”

”Ha ha.”

”Look, heaps of the first people to get vaccinated were in aged care, so that suggests that they were old and likely to be near death in many cases. I mean, Prince Phillip got a jab and then he died. Are you suggesting that the vaccination was responsible?”

”Seems likely!”

”What? He was 99!!”

”Exactly. He’d lived ninety nine years and then dies a few weeks after getting one. Can’t be coincidence.”

“Hang on, weren’t you saying just a few weeks ago that there was lots of people who were being diagnosed as having been killed by Covid when it they could have died of something else and they just happened to have the virus so the death rates were a lot lower than we were being told?”

”Yeah. So?”

”Well, that’s the exact opposite of what you’re now saying about the vaccines. You’re saying because the two things happen then there has to be a link whereas a few weeks ago you were saying that there was no link. This means that you re changing your argument to suit your beliefs.”

“So are you. If you didn’t accept that there were deaths that were blamed on the virus you can’t now say that all these people dying from injections and buses are just some coincidence.”

”That’s not exactly what I’m saying.”

”Well, what are you saying?”

”I’m not sure any more.”

”Whatever. I don’t think we should trust the government because they’re in the pocket of Big Pharma and they just want to make money.”

“Whereas Scotty from Marketing and Gladys the Great are insisting on keeping the economy open because that’s the way to keep most people healthy.”

”What about people’s mental health when you have a lockdown. Lots of people got very depressed and suicidal when they lost their business or their job.”

”Interesting that you had no interest in people’s mental health when I talked to you about Robodebt.”

”Ok, the point I was making is that those people were probably depressed anyway because they’d been unemployed so they were likely to kill themselves whereas the people I’m talking about are only depressed because of the government shutdown.”

”I’ve finished my beer. It must be your shout this time.”

”Speaking of shout, did you see the clip of Barnaby giving it to Labor in Parliament? Magnificent.”

”Just buy me the beer. If you going to talk about Joyce being Deputy PM, I’m going to need a drink.”

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Barnaby And The October Election That May Now Be Later!

Monday, 21st June.

You’d think Ben-Roberts-Smith-VC-Kerry-Stokes-Employee’s admission that he drank out of a replica of a prosthetic leg and not an actual prosthetic leg to the best of his recollection, would be the most absurd thing that you’d hear all day. As an admission in order to make one sound more reasonable, it’s right up there with, “No, this is not a photo of me in a compromising position with Donald Trump… It’s something I photoshopped to make it look like we were having intimate relations because I love the man and I didn’t realise people would see it when I used it as my profile pic on Facebook…”

Anyway, that was not the strangest thing that happened today.

The Nationals have decided that rather than stick with Michael McWhatisName, they’d go back to the Big Bananaby. Why? Well, it seemed to them that he was the best person for the job because – and I want you to stop for a long time and consider this – he was not only what the Nationals saw as a better person for the job than Elvis McCormack, but they couldn’t find anyone in their ranks who was more competent than either of them.

Whatever, I look forward to the future when the Nationals decide that, just as the name the Country Party was too limiting, they forge ahead and decide to call themselves the Multinationals because who gives a fuck about Australia… Before I’m picked up on this, I will say that their new leader certainly gives one and that’s why they’ve installed him…

When I say that he gives a fuck, I mean about the country, just in case there’s a bit of confusion and those trigger happy litigators in Parliament try to sue. Barnaby is one man who wants to leave the country a better place for his children. A country where they’ll be able to get jobs, because, heaven knows, he certainly won’t be able to support that many children no matter how big his super grows with the Deputy PM promotion or how much he gets paid for interviews about how terribly intrusive it is to have the media around all the time.

Perhaps the most interesting point about the return of Barnaby Joyce to the role of Deputy PM isn’t related to the discovery that at least one Coalition person can actually accurately count numbers. No, for me, it was the fact that the commentary was all about how there were whispers of a spill but the Canberra Bubbling Journalists were all telling us that it mightn’t happen and, even if it did, Joyce didn’t have the votes to succeed.

Ok, I have something that we need to break to these people very gently. It’s entirely possible that those backgrounding you have no idea what’s actually going on either but once they admit that, you won’t buy them dinner on your expense account. Of course, it’s also possible that they may know and still be prepared to lie. I know these things are terribly obvious, but so many of the guests on Insiders don’t seem to have noticed.

Perhaps, David Speers could have me as a guest and I could make stuff up and, even though it would often be wrong, at least it would be more interesting than his regular guests… and more plausible than Sky After Dark.

Mm, would a Rossleigh on Insiders hashtag work? Or should I just go on Hard Quiz and have as my special subject, “Things that we all know but journalists tell us we’re wrong about and then we’re proven right but they’re the ones that keep getting media time.”

So, will Scotty go to the election in October as he’s planned or will Barnaby’s ascension mean that he delays it? Or will he suddenly think that he better go next week?

I’ll put my money on October still…

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What About The Other Secret Trial?

A few weeks ago, various Australian MPs were expressing their outrage at China for holding secret trials. I understood their concern. Secret trials are something that should be reserved for the enemies of capitalism and not something that those lefty Chinese should be engaging in.

Most of you have probably heard that Witness K pleaded guilty and was given a three month suspended sentence. Witness K, for those of you who are unaware, was on trial for conspiracy in that he revealed secrets about what the Australian government was doing in relation to Timor-Leste. I presume I don’t need to add allegedly here because, if they weren’t guilty of it, it wouldn’t be a secret, it would be misinformation and you can’t accuse someone of spying when they’re just making stuff up. And if you’re going to start charging people for making stuff up, there goes most of Sky News, the fossil fuel industry and the entire front bench of the Coalition.

Anyway, to the best of my knowledge Witness K is no relation to Joseph K who was the main character in Franz Kafka’s well-known novel, “The Trial” which is about a man who suddenly finds himself on trial even though it’s unclear exactly what he’s charged with. Kafka’s writings have led to the term Kafkaesque used to describe any nightmarish and oppressive bureaucracy that occurs in real life which leads me to the whole notion of secret trials.

The concept behind the legislation that allowed some of the most Kafkaesque elements in the legal system was that, were the trials of terrorists to be reported it might give away valuable information and actually aid the terrorist. Sort of like when the PM announced that we’d managed to catch all these criminals because they were using an encryption system that had been fed to them by the law enforcement agencies. From that time on it’s pretty clear that only those criminals who don’t keep up to date with the PM’s pressers would still be using the messaging service.

Anyway, given that Witness K now has a suspended sentence of three months, one has to suggest that his trial wasn’t exactly the sort of thing that the legislators had in mind when they introduced the whole secret trial concept. I mean, a suspended sentence is meant to be a deterrent to discourage you from committing the crime again. What are we expecting Witness K to do? I won’t reveal any more government misbehaviour for fear of having to serve those three months?

I remember arguing at the time that so much of the anti-terror legislation just went too far and was a fundamental erosion of rights. The answer to any criticism was something along the lines of: Technically it does say that, but this is Australia and we’d never have governments doing the sorts of things that you scare-mongering, lefty types are suggesting.

My point was always that the legislation exists and governments change and as soon as I’m leading the country I can promise you that Pauline will be locked up as a security threat straight away because her stupidity is a definite challenge to the country. In fact, anyone who opposes me is a threat to my security and therefore in need of being detained and questioned by the anti-terrorism agencies and such questioning cannot be reported under parts of the legislation.

In other words, while we may be talking about the so-called secret trial of Witness K, there may be lots and lots of other secret interrogations taking place and we wouldn’t even know.

Anyway, in spite of all this, I must say that I support John Barilaro’s use of the fixated person’s unit in dealing with satirist friendlyjordies and his producer. I know that many people have criticised him and said that this unit was meant to be about potential terrorist threats and if the NSW Deputy Premier felt stalked then he should have just used the police rather than this overreach. However, given how tardy the NSW police were in taking a statement from Christian Porter’s accuser, it’s understandable that Barilaro may have no faith in their ability to act promptly. And thankfully now that the matter has been dealt with and, according to the bail conditions, the friendlyjordies’ producer may not possess or distribute any caricature of John Barilaro.

I’m sure we all feel a lot safer knowing that NSW law enforcement can protect people from such things.

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If The Morrison Government Had Been Historical Figures…

As we seem to have entered a phase where the level of spin in the country is so great that Shane Warne would have struggled to get a game in Prime Minister’s Eleven, I’ve started wondering who the various politicians in the Morrison government had been if born in previous times.

For example, if Christian Porter had been King John:

”This has been a complete capitulation by the rebel barons! They have agreed to stop spreading lies about me and their insurrection is at an end. They have acknowledged that I am the rightful king and that they will pay their taxes and that I have a right to set them and we’ve set all this out in a document I initiated called the Magna Carta. They have also acknowledged that I am clearly above the law because this document was created by me and if I’m not the chief law-maker then who is?

Or if Scotty Morrison had been Fletcher Christian:

”Yes, I said I was ambitious for Captain Bligh and I gave him a small boat and the opportunity to demonstrate his sailing skills by getting back to England. As for any suggestions that I was plotting against him, I deny it completely. There was a vacancy once he was put on that boat and the ship needed a captain.”

Or if Peter Dutton had been Abraham Lincoln:

”Look, I make no apology for the conditions that slaves are held under. If they choose to come here by boat, then they have to accept what they’re given, and no, I don’t swallow the bleeding heart abolitionists who say that they were forced to come here. They could have chosen to be shot in their homelands.”

Or if Stuart Robert had been Pontius Pilate:

”Well, we sent Jesus a letter asking him to prove that he wasn’t guilty of anything and he didn’t reply, so I asked the soldiers to look into it and I don’t see any connection between this and his decision to allow himself to be crucified. I don’t like the term ‘Robocross’ and I’ve never heard it before, but holding me responsible is unfair and I completely wash my hands of any blame!”

If Josh Frydenberg had been Captain of The Titanic:

”You’ll notice that in spite of the problems caused by the iceberg which was completely out of our control, that we’re now in a much better position. While there’s still some problems in the stern, you’ll notice that the bow of the ship is higher than ever and is still rising, which is a credit to our capacity in steering the ship.”

If Craig Kelly (ok, he’s no longer technically in the government) had been Christopher Columbus:

“Ok, I think we’ve sailed far enough to prove that the world is flat, we should turn around now and go back before we lose sight of Spain.”

If Linda Reynolds had been Richard Nixon:

”The people involved in the Watergate break-in were all sacked from their current role and it was up to the hotel as to whether they wanted to press charges. I think anyone suggesting that I should have done more is just… Oh, I’ve just remembered that I have a pre-existing condition brought on by people asking too many questions, so all appearances are cancelled until you’ve forgotten about this!”

The Murdoch papers if any of them had been found to be Jack the Ripper:

”While Jack has his eccentricities and nobody would suggest that he’s without fault, his colleagues all agree that he does a great job for his electorate and that he’s a great retail politician. Any suggestion that he should be dis-endorsed at the next election would be an over-reaction.”

 

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Swans: Dane, Wayne, Norman and, of course, Nassim Nicholas Taleb

The other day, former AFL player, Dane Swan, had his thoughts on the Melbourne lockdown reported in what’s alleged to be a Melbourne newspaper after which a number of people took to Twitter to point out Dane’s lack of expertise in the area of epidemiology and crisis management. (To be fair, I think that a look at Swan’s playing career and life would suggest that he may have some expertise in the latter…) This response led Mr Swan to tweet the following:

Of course, this is one of the great things about platforms like Twitter; they enable anybody to have an opinion no matter how many head knocks they may have suffered. The terrible thing about Twitter, as Dane Swan points out, is that sometimes people have an opinion which differs from one’s own. Swan’s tweet seems to suggest that while one shouldn’t be excluded from an opinion just because one is a sportsman, losers who haven’t excelled are losers and shouldn’t be allowed to judge his thoughts.

It’s a common thing in social media and we shouldn’t be surprised that a whole range of people have a whole range of views. Neither should we be surprised when people start pointing out other people’s lack of experience/qualifications/breeding/intelligence or anything else that they feel is relevant to helping to explain why said person has no idea what he’s talking about.

The problem isn’t that social media has a lot of opinions that most people would be better off ignoring. The problem is that the level of discourse in the political realm generally is no better. For example, when Wayne Swan was named World’s Best Treasurer by a group comprising leading European bankers and investors, did the Liberals acknowledge the honour and congratulate him? Did social media think that these people must know more than they did because they were looking at criteria other than “Does Alan Jones approve?” No, it was ridiculous because he’d sent the country broke! We had no more money. Strangely we now have three times the debt and an enormous deficit but the Liberals found a trillion dollars in the back of the couch, and in spite of the lack of a budget surplus, they’re supposedly managing the economy well and various people are expressing thanks that Labor isn’t in power because they’d be spending too much money…

So what about Norman Swan, who like Dane, is no expert in epidemiology? The difference is that Norman is doing research and presenting the research. He doesn’t argue that he knows everything. Neither does he argue that nobody else has a right to an opinion. Compare this with the way in which some of the media present information. One ABC presenter recently argued that – as two test results were “false positives” we should wait until we’re sure that tests aren’t positives before adding sites to the exposure list. The expert she was talking to was trying to explain that it would be too late to stop the spread if they waited until everything was double-checked before releasing the possible exposure sites. “Yes, but some people had to isolate unnecessarily!” Apparently this is a bigger problem than if they were allowed to roam free spreading the virus for another couple of days.

When it comes to expertise, the media often make the mistake of thinking that getting one thing right qualifies one as an expert. Frequently when there’s a share-market or property downturn, they’ll search up some guy and announce that Mr Doomsday is a genius because he predicted this and then they’ll ask him what they future holds. Never mind that Mr Doomsday has been predicting the same thing for thirty years and he’s been warning that this is imminent. Predictions of this sort can only be useful if the time frame is within a reasonable limit. For example, if I tell you that this year’s Melbourne Cup will be won by a female jockey, you’ll hardly consider me to be worth listening to if it’s 2034 before the next female jockey wins it.

Nassim Nicholas Taleb wrote an interesting book called “The Black Swan” which put forward the proposition that there were sometimes unpredictable events which had enormous consequences, but that, when looking at them introspect, humans frequently talked about them as though they inevitable and obvious, rather than a random, disruptive event. The Europeans believed that there was no such thing as a black swan and refused to believe that they existed. Once it was established that Australia had them, and no it wasn’t a painted white swan, then it became mundane and so what!

The interesting thing about Taleb was that he predicted the possibility of something like the Global Financial Crisis. His basic argument was that we couldn’t be sure that we had it all under control because the unexpected is always a possibility, and in terms of history, likely. When he was being interviewed about this after the GFC, one interviewer asked what he thought would happen in the future. After all, he’d been right about the future being unpredictable, so why not??

The fact that Taleb got that right hardly qualifies him to prognosticate any more than if I say, “Here’s my Tattslotto numbers but I have no idea which numbers will come out because it’s just random!” It’s hardly going to have people celebrating the fact that I was right about not getting them right and asking for my expert forecasts on other matters.

Yes, we’re rather drawn to those making predictions even if they have no history of them ever being correct. Even though we didn’t predict the GFC, Tony Abbott winning the leadership of the Liberal Party, Tony Abbott being removed as PM by his own party, the vote for Brexit, the election of Donald Trump, Labor’s loss in 2019, the pandemic, but somebody will tell you that they’re sure that Morrison will be re-elected, even before the date is announced.

Anyway, I’m waiting for “The Herald-Sun” to interview Dane Swan on his thoughts for how to resolve the Israel-Palestine conflict.

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Forget Coal, Joel And The Latest Poll: Elections Are Won With Maslow

Now I know that many of you will have heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need, but for those who’ve never seen it, it looks something like this:

The basic idea is that one needs to meet the needs at the bottom before one aspires to the needs at the top. In order to demonstrate this, I’ll use a fictitious account of a young, homeless woman called Grace.

Grace is on the street and hungry when a man approaches her and tells her that he has a spare room and food and he hates to see anyone like this. While Grace is suspicious of his motives, sleeping rough isn’t safe either so she goes back to his house where she is fed and shown a room where she can sleep. With most of her physiological needs met, she barricades the door to make herself feel safe and gets some sleep.

After a few days, she comes to accept that the man has no ulterior motive and that she can come and go as she pleases and he is no threat to her. He gives her jobs to do so that she doesn’t feel like she’s relying on his charity. However, she feels no sense of belonging.

One day, on the way to the grocery store, she sees a guy rummaging through the bin looking for food. She approaches him and offers him some money so that he can buy food. He stands and looks her in the eye. He is strikingly good-looking. He tells her that his name is Pedro and that he has no need of her money because it perpetuates a capitalist system which is destroying the planet and that he prefers to scrounge for the wasted food and to live in the streets because that places less pressure on the planet.

Ok, I could go on for several pages with the love story that develops and how Grace is attracted to Pedro and all her dilemmas about whether she can leave her comfortable room to fulfil the next rung of needs: Love and Belonging. And how her decision to turn her back on the charity of the other man gives her Self-Esteem and that she rises above her need for food and shelter.

However, I’m not going to do that for three reasons: 1. I’d just be writing another sexist story about how a woman keeps getting saved by men. 2. It doesn’t fit with Maslow’s concept and 3. This is really more about elections and the story is just a vehicle for a lot of silly stereotypes that are so prevalent in the media.

I’m not suggesting that the Man is the government and that Pedro is The Greens, but I am suggesting that Grace is the electorate.

And this brings me quite neatly to the problem with how polls are used, viewed, analysed, and in the end quite meaningless unless we get to vote on things much more frequently. In the end, people are most focused on their immediate needs so they’ll vote for the party that appeals to their needs at the lower end of the hierarchy. This is why a fear campaign works well at times. And a party can scoop up some votes with the next step on the hierarchy with a sense of Love and Belonging. “As Australians…”

Before one allows something as important as battling climate change to affect one’s vote, one usually has to be high up on the hierarchy of needs. Consequently, Joel Fitzgibbon is appealing to those in his electorate who feel their jobs are threatened by any action, even though inaction won’t save their jobs in the long term.

When we start to look at the next election in terms of Grace, we can clearly see that it’s not that she objects to Pedro’s ideas about helping save the planet; it’s just that her more immediate needs are being met by the man who took her in. And so it is with the current Coalition government: they’ve taken a lot of people in.

But when looking forward to the next election, the question needs to be asked, does the electorate feel a strong sense of loyalty and gratitude to Scott Morrison and his merry men, or does it – like Grace – just feel that they’re better than sleeping on the streets. While the electorate may not embrace the extreme Pedro, it’s not because they don’t want to help save the planet. It’s just that they don’t want to put their own needs at risk. And any political party that can make them feel like it’s not threatening those needs can make the electorate aspire to feeling self-esteem and to do their bit for the world.

This is not just true of climate change. There are a whole range of issues where the polls tell us that the electorate would be behind a whole range of changes – take the marriage equality vote as an example – but we’re made to view them as risky by those opposing the particular change. In the case of renewable energy, we used to be told that people were against it because it was more expensive. Now that the costs are down, we’re told that it’s because it doesn’t deliver “base-load power” when the sun doesn’t blow and the wind doesn’t shine, or whatever that slogan is. What happens when batteries make that argument irrelevant? Well, I can just hear the PM telling us: “Isn’t it worth paying a few cents more for your power to keep coal-miners employed?”

Snigger at that if you think I’m being ridiculous, but remember that this is the government that had Dan Tehan tell us that the vaccine rollout “wasn’t a race”. Why not? Well, because the Melbourne Cup is a race, so…

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Scott Morrison, Just Cut My Grass!

Ok, I promised my wife that I’d mow the lawn today, but it just started raining so I really should wait until tomorrow… Or the day after. It’s not a race after all.

So…

Was my promise to mow the lawn a lie? Would she be correct if she were to say that if I didn’t keep my word in relation to the mowing, how can she be sure that I’ll stick by my marriage vows? Am I just a dishonest creep who says one thing, then does another?

Of course, when it comes to political promises we’re all a bit cynical. Only a fool would expect that a politician’s election pledges are all going to be fulfilled even when they’re in the form of a glossy booklet with a title like, “Real Solutions”. (The Liberals really do like their booklets outlining what they’d do if they got into power. They like it so much that they produce booklets of their plans even when they are in power!) Often there’s a good reason for it, but frequently, the political party had no intention of fulfilling the promises and they were just a way of getting votes. The difficulty for voters is distinguishing between the reasonable excuse and the free-unicorn-rides-for-everyone type promise. For example, should we look back and say that the Liberal promise to introduce a federal integrity commission was just a way of killing the issue at an election, or accept the very reasonable proposition that they haven’t been able to do it because they have no idea what “integrity” is and, consequently, are totally unsure how to go about creating such a commission?

Getting back to my un-mowed lawn, I’d like to suggest that wherever one sits on the issue of promises, there is an enormous difference between me being it put off because of rain and, “But, darling, I DID mow the lawn; it just grew back overnight!” While the promises of all politicians are suspect, I actually think that the Morrison government has moved into the category of telling us that the grass grew back overnight.

In the case of the vaccines, it is true that a lack of supply may have caused a slower than expected rollout, and we could nod our heads and say that the assertion that Australia was at the front of the queue still fits into the everyday hyperbole of political rhetoric. However, when we have politicians telling us that they never said that it wasn’t a race or that there was no rush because, well, that makes them a little bit responsible for the fact that some people have decided that it isn’t a race and there’s no rush, I think my claim that the grass grew back overnight is at least as plausible.

I recently read a wonderful essay by Rebecca Solnit called “They Think They Can Bully The Truth.”

Solnit talks about “the indignation that arises in powerful men when it turns out other people have things to say and that they might be listened to and believed”, While the whole thing is worth reading, I particularly liked her thoughts on Trump:

“More and more I come to see the compulsive, frenetic pace of lies by the president as a manic version of that prerogative of dictating reality. It’s a way of saying, I determine what’s real and you suck it up even if you know it’s bullshit. He has abandoned credibility for dictatorial power. When you’re a star, they let you do it, and the size of your stardom can be measured in how much you can force people to accept—or pretend to accept—contrary to their own intelligence and orientation and ethics.”

Worryingly, Morrison seems more and more to be going down the same path, which is a worry not just to me, but to all those mainstream commentators like Bolt and Jones who thought that they were in charge of dictating reality. It may be that Scotty’s days are numbered for no other reason than that!

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Breaking: Number Of Australians Vaccinated Just Exceeded Number Of Government Announcements On The Subject!

Ok, here’s a brief timeline of events in the vaccine rollout.

August 2020: Scott Morrison announces that Australia has secured 25 million doses of the Oxford Astra-Zeneca vaccines and that it would mean “early access” for all Australians. The vaccines would be “as mandatory as you could possibly make it.”

October 2020: Morrison announces that we’ve secured two more deals, one with Novavax for 40 million doses and another with Pfizer for 10 million, telling us “By securing multiple COVID-19 vaccines we are giving Australians the best shot at early access to a vaccine, should trials prove successful.” He followed by talking about how we weren’t putting all our eggs in one basket…” (Presumably that was about the vaccines and not how labour-intensive it was for Jen who needed to take multiple trips now that he’d built the chook shed.)

November 2020: Announcements that the government is working with states to work out how vaccines will be delivered once they are approved by the Therapeutic Goods Administration. The vaccines will be free but not mandatory.

December 2020: Morrison tells us that even though, Pfizer has been approved overseas, it won’t be available here until health experts are 100% sure that it’s safe. (Given no vaccine is 100% safe, we have to admit that he warned us that it wouldn’t be available here!)

January 1st 2021: Despite outbreaks in Sydney and other places, vaccines will not be rushed. Morrison announces: “On the vaccine, you don’t rush the [rollout]. That’s very dangerous for Australians. Those who suggest that, I think it’s a naïve suggestion.” We will start rollout in March as planned so that we can look at how it’s going overseas and learn from that.

January 7th, 2021: Rollout brought forward to mid to late February and it’s “hoped” that we could start with about 80,000 a week.

February 2021: Morrison receives one of the first jabs of Pfizer to “show it’s safe”. This rollout will eliminate the need for more extreme measures.

Early March 2021: 250,000 Astra Zeneca doses held up by Italy and EU. Minister Hunt tells us that this won’t affect rollout.

Late March 2021: Morrison announces that the vaccine rollout is back on target. Hunt announces that they’re ahead of target and they’re under-promising and over-delivering. Suggestions that states are “hoarding” vaccines.

End of March 2021: #ScottyFromAnnouncements tells us that it’s not a race, after we fall 3.4 million short of the target to have 4 million vaccinated by the end of March.

April 2021: Astra Zeneca halted for under 50s. Morrison and Brendan Murphy assure us that there are enough Pfizer doses to inoculate all adults by… some time in the future. Probably we’ll all have one by the end of the year… if we want one. Remember, it’s not a race.

April 9th: Morrison announces that we’ve secured another 20 million Pfizer doses to go with the billions of vaccines that we secured last year making it a certainty that we can all have at least one dose by Christmas when he’ll be bringing home all the Australians from overseas… He never said which Christmas you know.

April 11th: Morrison abandons target to have all Australians vaccinated by the end of the year.

May 2021: There is no target but we’ll probably all have at least one dose and we’re moving past Phase 1A which isn’t complete and Phase 1B which is also not complete and all those over 50 and Jane Norman can get vaccinated in early May

May 2021: Government suggesting that vaccine hesitancy is delaying the rollout. People should go and get vaccinated as it’s completely safe for most people over fifty but it’s too risky for those under 50, but there’s no risk for those who are eligible.

May 2021: Greg Hunt suggests that if you’re concerned about the available vaccine you can wait and get an unavailable vaccine. This is later clarified by the announcement that you may not be able to get the unavailable vaccine later because it will go to under 50s first, but we’re still on track even though we no longer have a track to be on.

May 2021: Morrison blames media for creating vaccine hesitancy and confusion by reporting what he and his ministers are saying.

June 2021: Scotty announces a multimillion-dollar campaign to urge people to take up the Astra Zeneca offer. Contract is given to Clive Palmer who, we’re told, has a history of being able to convince people via effective advertising. Craig Kelly will be the face of the campaign. Morrison holds a press conference to announce that the program is a success and that the borders will be opening so that he can go to Hawaii. “I haven’t had a holiday for almost three months,” he tells reporters, “and I promised Jen and the girls that we’d be going so I’ll see you when the weather fines up.”

July 2021: Morrison returns from Hawaii to announce election date.

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One Sign Of Intelligence Is Being Able To Change Your Mind or Why Scott Morrison Is Einstein!

Remember just a few years ago when we were told that we needed to be “energy agnostic”. Well, all that’s out the window. Apparently we now have to build a church to gas because the private operators have decided that they’d rather invest in something profitable.

Why do I call it “a church”? That’s because – like a church – it will be large and unused for much of the time and in future generations people will look at it and go, “Wow, what a large structure. I wonder why they spent so much money and something with no practical purpose. They must have really believed that someone would reward them in the next life!” (In the case of the Coalition, that’s Life After Politics!)

It’s very tempting to point out that once we took it for granted that governments would be responsible for building the infrastructure that enabled us to generate energy, but we were told by the Liberal Party that private industry was a lot better at it and market forces would make the whole thing a lot more efficient. Now we’re being told that the market has failed because the market relies on making a profit and nobody in private industry is keen to build a gas-fired power station for the simple reason that it’s not economically viable.

Of course, I shouldn’t criticise the Liberals for changing their mind and completely repudiating their free market principles and totally embracing socialism. After all, it’s only the intelligent who can change their minds. At least I think that’s true…

Whatever, the Liberals are certainly good at changing their minds. Sometimes they’ll even do it from one interview to the next.

Remember when they told us that people don’t need the government making decisions for them and that individuals were best placed to decide what to spend their money on… Of course, this was before they realised that once they got the Indue card out and accepted, they could eventually roll it out to pensioners and then the rest of us and we could only shop at approved Liberal donor stores.

Remember when Scotty was all about opening up the borders but then he saw how successful various state premiers were with their border closures. Now he’s determined to keep Australia’s borders closed until… well, it’s not like he intends to set a date because targets are for the accountable. We can’t say when borders will be open again, even with the majority vaccinated. As he put it: “Even in that circumstance, you’re talking about many Australians, millions of Australians, who wouldn’t have been vaccinated. Because A, they’re children or B, they’ve chosen not to be [vaccinated].” Unvaccinated children a concern? Is this different from “Schools are safe, I can’t be any clearer than that!” Too right it is, which just shows the intelligence of the man because he’s apparently changed his mind.

Remember when they labelled that ad about the vaccines with the Liberal Party logo? Well there’s another example of them changing their mind. Now they want bipartisan support for the rollout. Surely, Labor have to take part responsibility. Why? Well, they said that the logo shouldn’t be there because it was the government who were providing the vaccines and aren’t Labor an alternative government?

And then we have the NDIS which just a couple of Budgets ago was so awash with funds that Josh Frydenberg could take $4.7 billion from it to put us into surplus. While at $4.7 billion, those “Back In Black” coffee seemed overpriced, that’s nothing compared to the unsustainable nature of the NDIS now. We need to stop those “empathetic public servants” from giving wheelchairs to people. Everyone needs to stand on their own two feet even if they have no legs. Yes, social media was very cruel and mocked Linda Reynolds about her heart condition, but even she agrees that’s better than being awash with empathy like those public servants who fail to push those on the NDIS to get better. Our PM does believe in miracles, as we all know.

And Scotty’s changed his mind on debt and deficit too. We’re going to have deficits for the next ten years according to #Scottyfromannouncements. Yes, ok, Hockey said that the Liberals would deliver a surplus in their first year of government and every year thereafter but they changed their mind about that, as well as Hockey being Treasurer. And about having a stable government who didn’t change Prime Ministers. Of course it would be unfair to bring up how the Liberals changed their minds about Abbott’s rolled gold maternity leave, because that’s so many Prime Ministers ago.

Some of you will be expecting that I’ll also be pointing out the PM’s changing his mind on electric vehicles, but apparently he hasn’t. He told us that he never mocked EVs in the lead up to the 2019 election. No, no, he was complaining about Bill Shorten ruining the weekend by simply being PM and that would have ruined the weekend of everyone who mattered so EVs had nothing to do with it.

Yes, I can certainly recommend that you vote for Scott Morrison in the upcoming election which he assures won’t be held until next year, so I’d expect it in about three months. Even if you don’t like his policies and what he announces, there’s a better than fifty percent chance that they’ll never be implemented and that he’ll change them before the month is out. You can be content knowing that if you don’t like, for example, his intention to build a gas-fired power station, that once they’ve bought the land from the Liberal donor, and once they’ve spent a few million on consultants, they’ll change their mind and sell the land to a firm who wants to make electric vehicles or develop it for social housing.

I suppose you’ve noticed that lately, Mr Morrison seems to have a booklet in hands every time he appears in the media. Perhaps he’s working on the next slogan. “Liberals: We Have A Plan AND a Pamphlet.”

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