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Rossleigh is a writer, director and teacher. As a writer, his plays include “The Charles Manson Variety Hour”, “Pastiche”, “Snap!”, “That’s Me In The Distance”, “48 Hours (without Eddie Murphy)”, and “A King of Infinite Space”. His acting credits include “Pinor Noir Noir” for “Short and Sweet” and carrying the coffin in “The Slap”. His ten minutes play, “Y” won the 2013 Crash Test Drama Final.

Abbott Suggests Following Britain By Reintroducing Imperial Measurements!

No, Tony Abbot didn’t actually say that!

At least he hasn’t at the point that I’m writing this.

Whatever, Boris has suggested that they’ll be legislating to allow shops to use the old imperial stones, pounds and ounces in Britain. This is real and not something I’m making up and while it sounds absurd given the confusion, not to mention the expense of such a move, Boris has actually announced his intention to do this. However, given the knighthood to Prince Phillip, I’m not sure that by the time you’re reading this that the headline about Tony Abbott won’t actually be true.

Although when I think about it, I did order a footlong sub the other day so we still use imperial measurements in some shops. I think I should be clear that I was in Subway and I actually ordered, paid for it and left with my order. I didn’t leave my credit card, walk away and then suddenly have them find out that I was intending to eat a quarter pounder from MacDonald’s because I called a media conference to announce my dietary intentions for sometime in 2040.

That’s why I’m not fit to be in government. I wouldn’t have spent lots of money on subs that I wasn’t going to use and while it could be argued that I haven’t, I think the fact that the shop I’ve pissed off have my credit card could possibly lead to it being an expensive exercise. In Victoria, there was a lot of flack when Dan Andrews didn’t proceed with the deal for a freeway which the Liberals had signed up for in their dying days. Unlike the submarine deal, he wasn’t the one who signed up for it, only to change his mind.

Speaking of submarines, Christian Porter has resigned.

I know that previous sentence may not seem to make sense to those of you who don’t follow politics closely but the current modus operandi of the government is to distract us from the previous disaster by pointing us in the direction of another disaster until one of them has something that we can focus on where there is more than one side of the argument.

To demonstrate with a complete hypothetical:

  1. Let’s say the government has failed to plan for bushfires in 2021/2 and a bushfire breaks out.
  2. Scott Morrison announces his intention to holiday in Hawaii because not telling people seemed to upset them so he’s being completely upfront about his refusal to hold anything unless directed by his photographer. (Behave… this is not the Benny Hill Show)
  3. There is a media outcry but we talk about the PM’s right to have a holiday.
  4. If this is not going well, we suddenly that a government MP has been caught sending inappropriate texts to a member of his staff.
  5. The member of staff puts in a complaint.
  6. He/she is sacked.
  7. She/he goes to media.
  8. The story becomes the news of the night.
  9. The government then talk about an MP’s right to privacy and how inappropriate it was that this staffer released the private texts.
  10. There is some discussion about the right to privacy.
  11. The government point out to various media organisations that not only do they have the private texts of people but that recent legislation means that the AFP and ASIO are legally entitled to change them.
  12. An inquiry is announced into whether Fast Phil should be the one to hold the inquiry into the invasion of privacy or whether a Royal Commission is needed to ensure that all retired judges are gainfully employed.
  13. There is a terrorist alert.
  14. Someone is arrested for terrorism and their next door neighbours are arrested too.
  15. We start to talk about whether the next door neighbours’ rights were violated because they were arrested for their failure to alert the authorities to the fact that people in the street were printing anti-government material.
  16. Peter Dutton says we don’t have time to worry about rights in a time of war. When someone asks who we’re at war with, he declares war on China.
  17. We start talking about whether the Defence Minister has the capacity to unilaterally declare war without consulting the PM.
  18. Dutton declares a state of emergency and claims that – as Defence Minister – he is now in charge.
  19. Morrison sacks Dutton and declares himself head of Border Force.
  20. At this point, we are now listening to Insiders discuss whether the PM has the right to sack a Defence Minister after a state of emergency has been declared and whether, in fact, the Defence Minister has the power to declare one, and if he (or she) does what happens if the PM doesn’t like it…

Where were we? Ah, Porter and the blind trust.

Yes, sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the twees.

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Some Christians Rely On Blind Faith; Others Rely On Blind Trust…

My wife watches a lot of murder mysteries, so I’ve sort of picked up how this should be done. You examine all the potential suspects one by one and then in the final reveal you announce that it was the least expected…

Ok, now I’m aware that some politicians have become very trigger happy with litigation, so let me just remind them that I have some very good lawyers prepared to represent me in any case just as long as I can find several thousand dollars a day and I’ve assured them that they should have blind faith in me. They suggested that they’d rather a blind trust account, so I said, “Set one up, why should I care where the money comes from.” One of them suggested that this was dangerous because some criminal enterprises could use it to launder money and I said that so long as I don’t know where the money comes from, I’m ok. After all, it’s not as though if I suddenly found that I had millions of dollars that I didn’t earn that any government agency could ask me to explain where it came from. At this point, the lawyer told me that I needed to retain him/her before they gave me advice explaining the law and how people who couldn’t tell the government where their money had come from often had problems with a whole range of different agencies…

Bloody lawyers!

Anyway, it seems that when you’re a Christian, all sorts of people spring to your defence… And not just the lawyers.

So, because I’ve given up on politics and gone back to writing works of fiction and because I don’t have blind trust in the legal system not ripping me off, I’m going to pitch my fiction to you in the hope that you’ll be prepared to back me to get this fiction on to the screen. I’m going to call the character, Eric.

Mulligan Let’s imagine that Eric considers a journalist called Lucy Mulligan has defamed him. (This is work of fiction, so if there’s any journalist out there by that name – or any similar sounding name, I’m prepared to change the name so that she doesn’t feel the need to sue me.)

Eric decides to sue her but taking legal action can cost more than a humble man like him could be expected to raise, but hey, principles are at stake here so he decides to engage lawyers anyway… Mm, that’s a bit implausible unless the lawyers are prepared to work pro bono.

I know, let’s have a mystery person offer to stump up the cost for his lawyers.

Yeah, that works. Except who tells Eric? And at what point? Look, this is at the pitch stage. We’ll work out the holes in the plot later…

Ok, so he sues. This Louise or whatever her name was and the organisation behind her, mounts a truth defence. After reading the defence, Eric decides to settle for mediation. After mediation, Lucy or whatever her name was, says that I’m not apologising. To which, Eric says fair enough at least I didn’t get my day in court and this story has a happy ending because – after standing up for his principles – Eric can tell us all that he had a great victory because Lucy has promise not to reveal the allegations in return for paying the cost of his parking during the mediation session.

Now this is an elevator pitch and I’ve already taken too much time unless the elevator is stuck between the floor working on a federal integrity commission and the floor purchasing aircraft to battle bushfires…

The big climax where the intrepid journalist gathers all the suspects in the one room and reveals the forces working against her.

  1. Is it the man who blamed her for spending a year in jail for a crime that the Highest Court in the land found that he shouldn’t have been found guilty because juries don’t quite get the law and can’t find people guilty when we don’t like the decision?
  2. Was it the Chinese who hoped that by saving him, they’d one day be able to make Eric the leader of our country? Or even more implausibly, a popular name?
  3. Was it the friends of Lucy Mulligan who hoped to one day force Eric into an admission of guilt because they’ve formed the blind trust with the name “WeScrubPhotos&OtherEvidence.”
  4. Was it some elaborate EricKeeper scheme whereby the taxpayer was billed through some elaborate scheme?
  5. Or was it the white-shoed friend of the ghost of Joh Bjelke PetaSon who through channelling Joh, understands that you can bankroll most politicians and they’ll be prepared to head your party…

Ok, there’s a few flaws in this. For a start, at what point did Eric realise that he was being set up by taking the money? I mean, he can’t be completely stupid or where’s our hero.

And, if I make it suspect number 5, isn’t that a little too predictable given he’s been using his money to buy political influence since I didn’t have blind trust in our political system.

And, why did Eric decide to go ahead with things unless he already knew about his benefactor?

And why didn’t the High Court open up Western Australia?

Oh wait, that’s a whole other story…

Anyway, my lawyers will be drawing up my GoFundMe page so that I can get this work of fiction actually onto the big screen… or the little screen… or just made into street theatre.

Please contribute… We need all the blind trust we can muster.

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How To Win At Elections OR We Are Not Overcoming The Monster…

Above all, and it is the supreme characteristic of every monster who has ever been portrayed in a story, he or she is ecocentric. The monster is heartless; unable to feel for others, although this may sometimes be disguised beneath a deceptively charming, kindly or solicitous exterior; it’s only real concern is to look after its own interests, at the expense of everyone else in the world…

“Despite its cunning, its awareness of the reality of the world around it is in important respect limited. Seeing the world through tunnel vision, shaped by its egocentric desires, there is alway something which the monster cannot see and is likely to overlook. That is why, by the true hero, the monster can always be outwitted…”

The Seven Basic Plots by Christopher Booker

I am reading a book which I wanted to read from a time when I used to spend more time writing fiction than writing about politics…

Ok, ok, I know that there’s going to be some cheap shot about how politics is all about fiction and truth is relative and…

Let’s just leave all that to one side and possibly come back to it later… Ok, ok, that’s polly speak for I’m never going to mention this again and when you bring it up I’m going to say that we’re already discussed it…

The book is about the seven basic plots and the first one is: “OVERCOMING THE MONSTER!”

So, is the monster Scott Morrison or Rupert Murdoch? In a lot of the mythical stories which Booker quotes in his book, once one has dispatched the initial threat to the village or country, a new, more fearsome and tricky monster emerges to take revenge on the hero for the death of the first… Mm, John Howard becomes only the second sitting PM to lose his seat in a general election and Tony Abbott emerges from the sea to reek his vengeance on the forces that unseated the PM. And while Kevin is severely wounded and incapacitated by Tony and Julia manages to hold him off with the help of the Independents, Tony eventually destroys the government before being devoured by his own hungry fellow travellers. While many rejoice at the defeat of Abbott, the Liberals turn out to be a many-headed hydra where once one head is removed, its place is taken by something even more shocking.

Of course, I’ve always believed that the problem with political discourse is that you define the other side as evil, which justifies many dubious acts because, after all, it’s evil that we’re fighting. In suggesting that he’s a monster, I am ignoring the PM’s request to the Women’s Safety Summit last week where he said, ““I know everyone joining us for this summit wants the same thing. We will go much farther, you know, when we can all appreciate that we are all, from whatever place we are coming from to this summit, earnestly trying to achieve that same goal.” That’s hardly the speech of a monster, is it?

Oh wait, what was it that Booker said again? “The monster is heartless; unable to feel for others, although this may sometimes be disguised beneath a deceptively charming, kindly or solicitous exterior; it’s only real concern is to look after its own interests, at the expense of everyone else in the world…”

Mm, so maybe we need to look to the actions of the various mythical heroes when working out how to defeat the monster. David defeated Goliath, after all, by keeping his distance and scoring with a well-aimed stone. Perseus avoids being turned to stone by not looking directly at Medusa and using the reflection from his shield to locate and kill the Gorgon. Which mythical hero should we emulate?

Or perhaps something more modern? Dorothy defeated the Wizard by simply noticing that behind the screen, he was just an ordinary man… Although that’s been Scott’s defensive play when trouble strikes: “See I’m just a dad who likes making cubbies, curries and chook pens. And I make time from my busy schedule to fly into Canberra and do Prime Ministering as often as I can but getting this work/life balance thing isn’t easy…” And in H.G. Wells “War Of The Worlds”, the unstoppable Martians were defeated by exposure to a simple virus… Mm, sounds like they should have ordered the vaccines sooner.

Whatever, I’m sure that I’m on to something here. Let’s think, modern heroes…

Ah, James Bond. Well, not so much Bond himself, but the fact that the villain always reveals his plans once he has captured James and, once he escapes, he knows exactly what to do. Although, when I think about it, that’s no help because we know exactly what Scotty will do. He’ll schedule a press conference to announce the fact that they have a plan, even if they’re not very specific beyond telling us that they either are announcing an inquiry into The Thing That Needs Fixing or that they already have a plan and this plan is a good one which will totally fix The Thing That Needs Fixing. If any journalist should have the temerity to ask about this at some later stage we know that Scotty will tell us that it’s too early or that it’s too late but at least their plan was a good one even if the “hindsight heroes” are pointing out that it didn’t actually work.

Mm, maybe that’s the answer. We create a character called “Foresight Hero” who goes around telling us what’s going to happen.

I’ll work on it and get back to you. It’s all fine now, because I have a plan!!

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Hope Is The Thing With Feathers And That Makes Scotty Glad!

One of Emily Dickinson’s poems was “Hope Is The Things With Feathers” and my first thought was that she must have meant that hope enabled us to fly. In fact, her poem talks about hope lifting us up with its song… which is what Gladys and Scotty are trying to do. They are trying to lift us with their warbling.

“Don’t worry about the depressing numbers look at the beautiful numbers like the ones that show that we still have a majority in parliament. They’re the sort of numbers that we find really inspiring and so what if there’s a few more cases today. Case numbers aren’t important unless you’re in a Labor state and then they’re an indication of how badly the government is doing.”

“Thanks to my great management,” says Gladys, “in just a few weeks you’ll be able to go on a picnic providing you can demonstrate that you’ve been vaccinated.”

Now one of the problems with vaccinations is that some people don’t want to get one. Well, it’s a free country and if that’s your choice, fair enough. What I find strange is the people who argue that they should be free to not get one, but then want to convince everyone else how dangerous vaccines are and want to ban people who do get the jab.

So, take Craig Kelly…

I’m tempted to say, please. Somebody has to… But that’s a very old joke and without him to laugh at, you might notice how much politics resembles an episode of Would I Lie To You?

(Would I Lie To You? is a British comedic panel show where guests are given the chance events to describe, some of which are lies and other unlikely ones true. It’s quite impressive the way that some of them can convince the other side that the most outrageous things are true. Mind you, this is just a game and we can be impressed with their capacity to seem convincing. I suspect that something similar happens when someone has been a journalist in Canberra for too long and they become more impressed with a politician’s capacity to convince people that they’re not responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people instead of being appalled by the fact that they actually are.)

So, if any of you are tempted to take Craig Kelly’s advice about vaccination, just ask yourself three questions:

  1. Would you accept his advice about your need for brain surgery?
  2. Would you allow him to perform brain surgery on you?
  3. If you answered no to the first two questions, I think the point has been made but if you answered yes, then wouldn’t you rather send me ten dollars and I can send you an alternative which I can’t disclose for fear of Big Pharma shutting me down but Donald Trump gave me a secret personal endorsement and for just an extra two thousand dollars I can get you an autographed photo of the time Donald, Clive, Craig and I all met and discussed how to.. sorry, what question was I asking? Oh, yes, I can send you Hydroinvermyasinagainsthumanity but only if you promise never to reveal who sold it to you because the drug companies are trying to shut it down owing to the fact that nobody has trialled it…

Anyway, Emily Dickinson was wrong. The thing with feathers turned out to be Gladys and she flew away before things got so bad that she’d have trouble with the misdirection of “That’s not the number that matters; this is the number that matters!”

Yes, Scotty doesn’t hold a hose, but Gladys doesn’t hold a press conference!

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Scott Explains Why Women Must Understand How Ambitious He Is For Them!

There are times when I think that the intelligent people have actually taken over and have a brilliant plan to get rid of the stupid. Then, I think to myself, that sounds elitist and like I think that I’m special. But then I think what makes me think I’m one of the intelligent and not just one of the bugs to be squashed.

Just to illustrate my thinking here: Let’s reduce any problems caused by having too many people for the available resources by convincing people to do something dangerous that will potentially kill them thus getting rid of all those silly enough to believe either of these two things: a) Covid doesn’t exist and b) that taking a horse worming tablet would cure it. Of course, some people seem to believe both things simultaneously which gives them a double shot of being someone who will be part of Gladys Berijiklian’s: “Death is pretty bad but keep it in perspective, poor Portia hasn’t ridden her pony in over a month…”

I guess that’s the thing though: All human progress has depended on the stupid. It was the person who said, “Hey, let’s get out of the cave and take our chances!” that led to everyone else saying, “Grug hasn’t come back. I wonder if there’s really something more out there…”

Mind you, Grug had been eaten by the first predator he found and the next six people out of the cave all died too, but the one who hung back and made notes about how they all died managed to go back into the cave and say, “People, I’ve discovered a thing called science and if we just observe and make notes then we can learn a lot about what it needs to survive and improve our lot…”

Of course, being cave men – which is only slightly above the National Party on the evolutionary scale, they threw rocks at her, forcing her to pretend to be a man so that they’d listen to her and science could eventually be taught in schools…

Which, of course, brings me to the current federal government…

You’d think that someone who’s Prime Minister would have a better understanding of how the wrong word or phrase can completely ruin what would otherwise simply be your average stuff-up. I mean, it’s one thing for Scott – as Grace referred to him… You know, Grace Tame, Australian of the Year. She called him Scott which is just fine because they’re on first name terms… He always refers to her and Brittany by their first names because, well, he’s pals with those girls and if you can’t call your pal by their first name…

Anyway, it does show how much he hates some his colleagues because he always refers to them as “Mr.” or “Minister”…

Where was I? Oh yeah, it’s one thing for Scotty baby to decide that he’ll set the agenda by using the keynote speech at The Women’s Safety Summit to explain to all those women how hard they have it and how terrible it all is. He read letters from women who’d been the victims of male violence out aloud and while it would be a lot to expect that he’d sought their permission, one hopes that they were at least aware that their personal experience was going to end up in a keynote address, so that they weren’t suddenly going, “Hey, that’s my letter he’s quoting!”

Yes, he didn’t have time to read the letter about the Vehement Denier, insisting it had to be handed straight to the police, but he had time to pick out bits to read for his keynote. He needed an inquiry to discover if he, or anyone in his office, knew anything at all about the incident that wasn’t covered up before the 2019 election but in a sudden spirit of openness, he shared the assaults on women from the countless letters and emails he’d received “from women sharing some of the most anguished and personal experiences of their lives”.

One letter, he told us, was from Queensland and “it came in a small envelope, and it was written on lined A4 paper, in cursive script, running writing”… Why go into such detail? I guess to prove that it was real and you’d actually read it and it wasn’t something that had been inserted by some speechwriter. It’s detail that makes things sound authentic, even empathy.

You know, the sort of detail that made it look like he wasn’t with his wife and kids because he was tweeting a Father’s Day message from months before. Although maybe he always planned to be found out so he could tell us again how he’d promised his kids a trip to somewhere else and because he couldn’t take them even though he’d promised, he felt it incumbent on himself to move heaven and earth and a VIP jet to be there with them on the day because just seeing him should be enough and who, but the most hard-hearted would begrudge the poor little blighters time with their Dad…

But you’d think that Scott – or his speechwriter – would have some memory of his arm around Malcolm Turnbull and the words, “I’m ambitious for this guy,” just before his orchestrated double cross of Turnbull AND Dutton.

You know it really doesn’t suggest a bright future for the next National Plan when he said, “And it is one we seek to emulate in an even more ambitious way as we develop the next National Plan to end violence against women and children.” Mm, was there something wrong with the old one, apart from not implementing it or starving it of funds?

And, “We come to this Summit with an open mind, an ambitious spirit, encapsulated by the target to end – not reduce, but end – violence against women and children,” suggests that his mind is as open as his spirit is ambitious for a target to end violence against women and children.

Yep, Mr Morrison is so ambitious for women that he’s implementing a whole 6 of the 55 recommendations from Kate Jenkins’ Respect@Work Report.

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“Mr Speaker, This Is Coalvid, Don’t Be Afraid, Embrace It, Step Toward The Light!”

Thankfully the playgrounds are opening again in Victoria. Over dinner, I told my son that I’d be able to take him there again tomorrow and hopefully that would improve his mental health. He pointed out that I hadn’t taken him there since he was in Grade 4 and – apart from the fact that he can now take himself because he’s already graduated university and that you only need to have passed Year 12 to go to the playground by yourself. I was about to point out that I was usually busy at work but he interrupted to say that he was going to bed because he has an early shift tomorrow.

sigh< His generation is never grateful.

Anyway, I wasn’t going to write about Victoria because I was more concerned about the epiphany I had when I realised that Scott Morrison’s message never changes no matter what he’s talking about… Actually, his message changes all the time… but it is consistent. What I mean is that he has a particular way with words, Mr Speaker, and that way is the way that words only work when they are used to mean something, Mr Speaker, and that is sometimes the way that leads people to think that he has said something when, Mr Speaker, he has not – in fact – said that very thing that people, Mr Speaker, think he has said, Mr Speaker, but has instead, Mr Speaker, said nothing at all. And, Mr Speaker, to quote Harvey Dent aka Two-Face from The Dark Knight, “It’s always darkest before the dawn comes and it hits you that the sun is up and it’s time that we were also looking forward with hope because there’s a new dawn and it’s better than the one we just had because that was today’s dawn and tomorrow’s dawn is the future and we must move forward, because moving backward could mean that you bump into something…”

However…

Ok, I’m a bit slow sometimes, but I suddenly remembered his coal speech and I put it together with his Covid speech.

“This is coal,” he said, bringing a prop into Parliament in spite of the convention forbidding it. “Don’t be afraid. Don’t be scared.”

Compare this with his Covid speech: “We should not fear it. We should embrace it. And we should move forward together.”

Just lately, he’s been demanding that the Premiers stick to the Doherty plan and not keep locking down which sounds all right until you remember that only one state is anywhere near 80% vaccinated, and that’s because they got the lion’s share of the vaccines… Why was that again? Oh, that’s right, they needed them desperately and the other states weren’t going to miss out, NSW was just going to get the extra ones that didn’t exist. Whatever, the Doherty plan kicks in when the population is 70% vaccinated, not when NSW is ok.

I’d say that I’m starting to notice a pattern here, except I’m not. When it came to lockdowns, the same people who were telling us that we needed to “live with Covid” and not be scared, were the ones who suddenly grew concerned about people’s mental health. Yep, when people get depressed looking for jobs or dealing with Centrelink, the response is “Harden up, princess!” but Covid lockdowns are responsible for every mental health problem in the country and we need to open up businesses for the sake of mental health… mainly the mental health of the people who weren’t earning enough to double their donation to the Liberal Party.

As a Victorian whose been locked down more times than Scott Morrison says “Mr Speaker” in a sentence when answering a question, I have to say that lockdowns can be hard on your mental health and it’s very tempting some days to just move to NSW where Golden Gladys has managed a wonderful impersonation of Schrodinger’s Cat.

In the famous thought experiment, the cat was both alive and dead at the same time. Now, I’m not suggesting that Gladys is both alive and dead, but it does seem strange that she is both having the “harshest lockdown Australia has seen” and showing us how to live with the virus without the need for locking down.

Like the people who seem to be able to embrace the idea that we need to worry about mental health while not actually doing much to help people with mental health issues, as well as feeling like the budget has to get back to surplus but we need to give high-income earnings tax cuts, as well as telling us that we can’t afford the NDIS but franking credits refunds to people who don’t earn a taxable income are no problem*, Gladys seems to be able to hold two seemingly contradictory positions at the same time. Yes, she was unlucky in love and that Maguire guy pulled the wool over her eyes, but she should stay Premier because she’s very astute and makes good decisions.

Yes, it’s going to be a difficult month or so until the Federal election. I said October at the start of the year and I’m going to call it a win if it’s in November because, like Scotty’s approach to the vaccines, what difference does a month or two make?

*I should point out yet again that Labor weren’t going to abolish franking credits. People were never going to be taxed twice. They were simply going to stop the practice of giving a franking credit refund to the people who paid no tax which meant that this tax wasn’t even paid once. Generally speaking, the people who benefited from this had little or no TAXABLE income, which meant they could be earning large amounts from their superannuation if they were over sixty or had a clever negative gearing arrangement with several properties.

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Covid, Morrison And The Day My Car Stood Still

When people suggest that I’m just one of those sheep that follow people in authority blindly, I must admit that I have to agree with them. I mean, who am I to argue with them? I don’t actually think that I’m a sheep, but who am I to argue with someone who has a really strong opinion? Obviously, they have done the research and they have a really strong grasp of how it all works.

So, arguments about vaccinations and lockdowns and whether Gladys is gold standard I find difficult because I can see some really good points on all sides. It’s true that Big Pharma make enormous profits by selling us drugs we don’t need, but it’s also true that they supply drugs that actually keep people alive, even if they’re doing it for commercial rather than altruistic reasons.

I’m not a genius so I tend to rely on other people’s opinions a lot. You know, should I support a lockdown or will that just make me a sheep?

“No,” someone on Facebook told me, “you need to ignore the power structures and come and join us in protesting Covid restrictions.”

“But,” I suggested, “I’d rather not be in a large crowd of people before I’ve got my second vaccination.”

“YOU GOT A VACCINATION?” the person thundered. “Get away before you contaminate me with your shedding.”

“I don’t own a shed. I’m not very masculine when it comes to tools,” I tried to tell him, but he was probably out of earshot because this was a Facebook conversation and he’d stopped it before he could tell me what to do in order not to be a sheep.

Anyway, I couldn’t have gone to the protest without taking public transport and I never take public transport because – like renewable energy – it’s too unreliable. Like a coal-fired power station my car never lets me down.

My car just suddenly stopped working. I don’t know why, and unfortunately a very persuasive guy just convinced me that mechanics were just in it for the money and there’s no way that I need ever consult one again.

“Really?” I asked. “Because I’ve been told that I need to keep my car serviced so that it doesn’t use too much petrol.”

“Cars don’t need petrol,” he assured me. “That’s just a myth perpetuated by mechanics and oil companies. Cars run just fine on methane, which can be created from excrement.”

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Positive,” he told me. “You can run your car on shit and the silly sheep spending money on petrol have never looked into that.”

“So you’ve successfully run your car on petrol?” I asked.

“Nah, I don’t have a car. Cars are part of the whole evil mechanistic world that controls us.”

I nodded. If someone who’d totally rejected automobiles wasn’t an expert on such things, then who was?

Next day, I collected as much dog poo as I could find and put it in the petrol tank and I continued to do that for several days.

Then, for no explicable reason, my car just stopped working. I’d take it to a mechanic but such people are simply wolves.

Not that I need to worry.

I’m not a sheep.

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Who Gave Craig Kelly Your Number?

Now, just for the record, I am a member of Clive Palmer’s United Australia Party. I joined prior to the 2019 election with the idea of standing as a candidate in Kooyong then quitting the party during the election campaign citing the reason that they clearly didn’t do due diligence given that three years ago a Google search would have given them access to plenty of blogs, some of which showed that I thought that Clive Palmer was an even bigger buffoon than Pauline Hanson…

I’m still a member because there seems to be no mechanism by which one can resign. There was nothing on the website and my emails didn’t get a response. I haven’t tried that hard because the occasional email from Clive lets me know exactly what he’s up to and gives me a good laugh. For example, a few days prior to the actual election last time, Clive announced that they were on track to win government. The fact that he failed to win a single seat didn’t phase him – he wrote after the election that it was a great success and that they’d achieved a great result.

Notwithstanding all that, my wife has had nothing to do with them, is fairly protective of giving out personal details and has never been a member of any political party. So she was quite surprised to get a message from Craig Kelly telling her that she couldn’t trust Labor, Liberals or Greens ever again… Just to clarify, she wasn’t surprised that she may not be able to trust at least one of these parties, she was surprised that Craig Kelly had her number. She had no desire to click the link and I certainly wasn’t going to click it for her… However, I did look it up on my computer. Of course, some of you are going to suggest that was silly because it could have been a virus. As a member of Clive’s party, I can simply counter that with viruses don’t exist!

The link took me to a video of Craig Kelly where he told us that the Liberal and Labor parties had ruined the country and that I should vote for the party hat he was now leading, which was Clive Palmer’s United Australia Party, which sort of begs several questions, such as how can he be leading a party which belongs to someone else and how can Australia be united when he’s attacking the government, the opposition and anyone who disagrees with him on vaccinations!

This is before one gets to the obvious question for Mr Kelly: at what point did you realise that the government you were part of was wrecking the country? As well as the obvious followup: what took you so long? Or possibly even: then why do you keep voting for them in motions of no confidence?

Apparently, my wife isn’t the only one to get a message from Mr Kelly. I notice on Twitter that two other people are saying how did this man get my number? That may not seem like a large number but when you add all the others who don’t use the word “man” in their tweet, you get a much larger one.

Whatever, it does seem like United Australia Party has found itself a leader and I will certainly be putting my hand up to stand as a candidate. I don’t know if Clive will give me the nod, but at least that may be one way I can actually resign from the party.

“Some People Are Just Dying To Live With The Virus!”

“Good afternoon, we have a spokesperson for the PM, Ms, Hope Leeder to explain the government’s new position on lockdowns. Good afternoon, Ms Leeder.”

“Miss. It’s Miss Leeder. I’m not a feminist.”

“Sorry, I was just…”

“And let me make it clear the government does not have a new position. The government’s position has always been that we need to open up immediately.”

“So you’re saying that there’s no change and the government is committed to opening up as soon as it’s safe.”

“No, I’m saying that Mr Morrison has been very clear that he wants these silly lockdowns to stop. Last year he told us to stop hiding under the doona even before we had a vaccine and now he’s saying that we can’t stay in the cave, so you can’t accuse him of being inconsistent.”

“But didn’t he say that sometimes a short, sharp lockdown was the only way to handle things?”

“I think you’re taking that out of context.”

“What was the context then?”

“He was talking about Parliament not the economy.”

“So he doesn’t support lockdowns until the vaccination rates get to 80%?”

“Of course he does. He just re-affirmed his commitment to Doherty modelling.”

“But didn’t he say in Parliament that the Doherty modelling had been updated?

“Yes, but that was confidential Cabinet information and you’ll have to trust his reassurance.”

“Let me try to understand clearly, we’re using modelling that can’t be made public to tell the public that they should trust the modelling?”

“The PM was very clear. There is an agreement with the Australian people that we’d follow the Doherty model so any going back on that would be breaking a promise and, while Premiers may break promises all the time, Mr Morrison is very careful never to make them.”

“I’m not sure that’s true.”

“Which bit?”

“Any of it, but just to be completely clear: the PM wants the states to guarantee there’ll be no lockdowns once the vaccination rate reaches 80%?”

“Or 70%. He was very clear that he doesn’t mind if it’s lower.”

“Is that 70% in total, including children or 70% of the eligible population?”

“I think it was 70% of the Federal LNP, but I’ll have to take that on notice.”

“What sort of death rates are the government prepared to accept?”

“None. Our policy is that we need to learn to live with Covid and people who are dying are clearly not adhering to our policy.”

“Nobody chooses to die.”

“Are you sure? We’ve been pushing the lockdown causes suicides angle pretty hard…”

“I meant that people dying from Covid don’t choose it.”

“We could debate this all day but the government policy is that we live with Covid and if they’re not doing that, we can’t be held responsible if they don’t follow our policy any more than we can be held responsible for those who chose to be contractors in Afghanistan rather than working directly for the Australian government.”

“On that, would you agree that the evacuation of Afghanistan could have been done better in hindsight?”

“Well, nobody can be expected to have hindsight about the past, but I think it’s worked exactly as we wanted it to. I mean, we can drag Peter Dutton out to tell everyone that those left behind were really possible terrorists and we can remind everyone about our strong border policies and people will stop talking about Covid.”

“Getting back to lockdown situation…”

“In Afghanistan?”

“No, in Australia.”

“I’d much rather talk about overseas…”

“The PM today made a speech about embracing the virus. Isn’t that the opposite of the health advice?”

“Sorry?”

“And he also said that it’s darkest before dawn. Is that actually true? I mean don’t you get slivers of light before dawn?””

“I don’t understand.”

“The Prime Minister was telling us that dawn wasn’t far away and that we were working toward the dawn. What did he mean?”

“Well he was trying to inspire the people…”

“And then he said that we were ‘hastening’ toward it. I mean who using a word like that? Hastening? We’re working towards it and we’re hastening towards it. Next we’ll be about to fight it on the beaches or we’ll be asked to understand that there’s nothing to fear but fear itself.”

“What’s your question?”

“I don’t have one. I just realised that this whole thing is some sort of demented word game and I should stop trying to ask sensible questions.”

“Well, there’s no point in continuing the interview!”

“Yes, Miss Leeder, on that we can agree.”

 

* * *

In breaking news, Matt Canavan has clarified that he doesn’t mind if The Wiggles choose to have a racially diverse line-up with female members. Just as they have no right to pick the Nationals front bench, he has no right to dictate their line-up and if they want to have people who’d have no chance of being preselected for the Nationals, then that’s up to them but he stopped watching them years ago once he realised that mother was never going to take him to a concert because he was over thirty.

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Gladys In “Pride And Prejudice”

It is a truth universally acknowledged that should anything go wrong while a Labor government is in power it’s their fault but Liberal governments are always the victim of unforeseen and uncontrollable circumstances.

However little known the causes for such a disaster, the columnists and shock jocks will undoubtedly ascribe said catastrophe to Labor’s lack of attention, as in the Pink Batts scheme, or to Labor’s desire for a nanny state, as in any time they attempt to pass any legislation to protect people.

“My dear Mr Morrison,” said Gladys one fine day, “have you heard that there is an outbreak of Covid-19 in my state?”

“No,” replied Mr Morrison, “but I’m sure you’ll manage to keep it under control without relying on those silly lockdowns.”

“Yes, but we may need some financial assistance and you’ve just said that Victoria won’t be getting any, so…”

“My dear Gladys, how can you even compare yourself to Victoria. Why you only have to ask and I shall get young Joshua to open up the purse and give you whatever assistance you need.”

“Thank you, sir,” said Gladys as she gave a delightful little curtsy.


All right, I know some of you aren’t Jane Austen fans so you probably won’t appreciate my attempts to turn the whole absurdity of NSW into some ironic novel… Although it is tempting to keep going until I work out whether to make Daryl into a modern-day Darcy…

But other events caught up before I could finish the whole novel.

For example, there was Matt Canavan’s tweet asking if the Taliban were going to commit to net-zero. This was so offensive that even his colleagues tried to distance themselves from it. Personally, I couldn’t understand the point he was trying to make. Was he suggesting that the Taliban would commit to net zero, so we shouldn’t be like them, or was he suggesting that they wouldn’t, so we should copy them?

Either way, the whole tweet was overshadowed by the chaos of the withdrawal, which was always going to be messy, according to President Biden. Nobody could have predicted that an army, which had previously been unable to defeat the Taliban with US help would think that it was better to run away than stay and be slaughtered.

Whatever, there was nothing Scotty and the team could have done, unless they’d known the future but they didn’t so the idea that they could have prepared a contingency plan where they tried to get those who’d helped the Aussies out prior to the pull-out assumes a level of thinking about the future that seems beyond this government. “Water bombers to fight bushfires? But why would need them when the fires were last year. We need to be sourcing vaccines which we meant to get but we weren’t aware. it was a race until someone pointed out that the big noise was the starter’s pistol. and Australia was about to get lapped, but never mind because we’re doing just fine now and look at how many vaccines we’ve delivered/how many Afghans we’ve taken/how much money we’ve saved by not building all the car parks we promised!”

On a personal note, today marks two weeks since my second Astra Zeneca injection, but like so much of Australia, I’m in lockdown. For many Victorians, this is particularly hard and am aware of the toll that lockdown can have on one’s mental health.

Having said that, I must say that I find it disturbing how concerned some pundits are with mental health and depression when they’ve never seemed to give a toss about it previously and anyone who’s brought it up has been labelled a “bleeding heart lefty” and told that they should harden up because this younger generation has had it too easy and a dose of national service in the army would do them all a world of good.

Yes, it’s the contradiction that gets me. I’m not suggesting that lockdown is easy, nor am I saying that kids unable to go to the playground won’t find it tough. I’m just wondering why now the same people who’ve been saying “Harden up, princess!” whenever anyone has talked about asylum seekers in detention, or the unemployed or any marginalised group, now suddenly find the fact that people are doing it hard a cause to be embraced.

It’s almost like they’re pushing an « open up the economy and consequences be damned » agenda!

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Coalition Announces That They Will “Meet And Beat” (Not About Prayer Room!)

Ok, I can’t help it but every time a Coalition MP says that they “meet and beat” their targets, I can’t help but think of that staffer and the minister’s desk.

I know, I know, it’s juvenile when we’re dealing with an important issue like climate change… Or rather, it’s juvenile when we’re not dealing with climate change.

For the first time in my memory, Barnaby Joyce seems to have summed up the government position better than anyone: Australia is not committing to spending money until they’ve seen the plan and until they have an idea of the cost they can’t possibly put a plan together.

This is so much clearer than Scott Morrison’s: “We must take action, as we indeed are, and continue to take action, as we will continue to, in developed countries, in advanced economies.” And, of course, Morrison did refer to the plan: “Our commitments are backed up by plans, and we don’t make them lightly. We consider them carefully.”

Yes, they’re considering their plan carefully. Just like their Car Pork Plan. Ok, the announcement of the intention to develop a plan did seem a little rushed but they needed to get the spreadsheet in place before they went into caretaker mode because you can’t allocate new funding to such a blatant bribe, if you’re in caretaker mode. Or something like that, but now they’ve been re-elected, they’re taking their time with the plans which is why only a couple of carparks have been built when nearly fifty were promised. No, now they’re taking their time and saying: “That carpark you were promised, do you still need it now that there’s no longer a station where you were planning to build it?”

At which point, Josh or whoever the local MP is, can say, “Now let’s consider this. We can build the car park where the station isn’t and then promise a few million dollars to build the station. That’s a win/win.”

Of course, some of you want to see the detail of the plan, but that would be contrary to everything this PM stands for. Remember when he took over as Minister for Immigration and announced that they wouldn’t be telling us how many boats were arriving because that only helped the people smugglers? When he was asked why his party had been helping people smugglers for years by announcing boat arrivals under Labor, he had a very good answer but he wasn’t prepared to reveal it because that would have only helped someone else and why should he help someone who isn’t in the inner circle.

So, we can relax because the government is going to respond with a careful plan and they’ll know how they can get there and what it will cost… Or to put the way Scotty and the guys working on climate change action into a different context, let’s imagine that they’re building a house.

First we need to have some land, and luckily they’ve been able to purchase some for less than ten times its market value. Next we need to decide how soon we can get the house onto the land and, as the PM said about climate change and the vaccine rollout, “We can’t get there until we do, but we’ll get there when we do and it won’t be a moment too soon or too late, it’ll be the finish of the race…”

Ok, that’s not an exact quote but his exact quotes are just giving me a headache lately because I’m having lots or trouble creating someone more banal while still having all the meaning of a song where the chorus consists of some sort of “Doo Whoop Ron Ron baby yeah!”

Anyway, now that we’ve established that the house can’t be built until it is, we need to look at our next step and we can’t rush that. We need to know how we’re going to actually manage to build the house before we can start working out costs. I mean, there’s a lot to take into account, like will certain things be better to use because technology changes things and until we know that we can’t possibly start a plan for how to actually start the house. However, we do have a plan and it’s to get the house there even if we don’t know what sort of house it is, how many bedrooms, the building materials and when we’re actually going to engage an architect. And until we have the blueprint, we can’t go around issuing blank cheques to our future expenditure because we need to remember that the future is uncertain and, anyway, I believe in miracles…

Tempted to write, “You sexy thing”, but Hot Chocolate haven’t had a hit since the seventies and it might make me sound old, and even more out of touch with this century than the Coalition…

Now, it’d be interesting to compare the “We can’t commit till we see the plan” on climate change with “You want to apply for a change room for girls for your men’s only yachting club? Well, I don’t see a problem there, have some money and work out the girls later!”

I’ll let someone else do that. I’ve decided I need a hot chocolate…

Oh, did anyone else notice that Josh leaked to the media about Morrison dropping the “F” bomb on a call to the NSW Treasurer? One article was at pains to point out that Frydenberg was on the call too. Maybe they were just protecting their source but apparently Josh leaks more than The Titanic...

 

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Perhaps COVID Is A Left-wing Plot To Reduce Conservative Voters…

The trouble with conspiracy theories is that they often have something plausible to a post-60s generation. Prior to that era people were basically gullible… In films, bad guys were always punished, as were bad women, and even when the police were corrupt, they’d meet a sticky end. We were expected to trust the Establishment, work hard and we’d get ahead.

Now, we’re more cynical, so it’s easy for a conspiracy theory to take hold because we want to believe that someone’s actually got some plan and that they’re in control even if we don’t like it. At least, when we stop THEM, the good people can take over.

And when people march in the street protesting that we should watch out because governments are taking away our rights, I have to admit that I would be prepared to join them if only they’d mobilised when we allowed anti-terror laws to turn into the sort of country that has secret trials and various other things which take away the very rights that we’ve had since the Magna Carta was signed by that English king who had worse people skills than Peter Dutton.

And when people suggest that we shouldn’t trust Big Pharma because they push a lot of unnecessary things on us, I could agree were it not for the fact that some of the people who called COVID a hoax decided to stop doing so after the sort of life-changing epiphany that is also known as dying from it.

Ok, I know what you’re going to say: If things have changed, why do we still have the same forces of evil being elected? Where’s the socialist utopias? Why do people elect billionaires who tell them that they can’t trust unions? Why isn’t something done about climate change? Why did Barnaby Joyce complain about government being in his life just before he become one of the leaders of said government? Why does Matt Canavan open his mouth to say things when the only good reason he could possibly have is to eat? Is there ever a good reason to name someone George when George the Third was mad? Is there a reason for the existence of Clive Palmer apart from the obvious reason that he makes me feel like it’s possible for any idiot to sway a large number of voters so long as he enough money and a refusal to acknowledge copyright laws?

Yes, these are all good questions.

I suspect that the answer is that the right wing have grabbed hold of the conspiracy theories that made paranoid people vote for left wing parties or refuse to vote at all and swept them all up into things like MAGA or QANON, or, even worse, the Scott Morrison fan club.

Sky After Dark presents theories that would be more at home in the sort of undergraduate newspaper that was started by university students who felt that the one run by the student union was too far right because it merely advocated for the overthrow of the system and didn’t have a clear agenda for mandating anarchy with rules that would prevent a new hegemony from taking its place. Once upon a time, success was valued by the Murdoch empire but to get a gig on Sky After Dark you merely need to be shunned by your party, lose an election or have criminal charges laid against you at some point in your life.

Pauline Hanson – the Liberal who lost preselection because she revealed her party’s intention to attack immigrants and indigenous people before the election ruining Howard’s intention for it to be a happy surprise for all those racists who’d been silenced by people who didn’t understand that being a Liberal entitled one to be, well, it just entitled one, didn’t it?# – went so far as to tell us that she wouldn’t be vaccinated and that it was her right to die from COVID and, on that, who am I to do anything but support her?

And then it become clear…

COVID is a left-wing plot to get rid of the people silly enough to listen to conservatives who tell them not to get vaccinated thus reducing the number of people prepared to vote against their own interests… Ok, it’s a bit harsh like the Stalinist purges and Mao’s cultural revolution but that’s what the left is like!

Yeah, quote that previous paragraph at some anti-vaxer and watch the whole conversation change. Ok, they won’t agree, but then you can just have fun using all their previous arguments against them. You know, like when the same people who argue that people didn’t die of Covid-19 they died with it and it wasn’t the cause of death, turn around and try to argue that this person was vaccinated and they died so it was probably the cause of death and not the fact that they’re parachute failed to open when they were learning to skydive…

# For more on the subject of entitlement, I am working on a book called “Go Ask Alex”, which tells the story of how a very promising Liberal’s leadership was ruined when he found that the jokes that went down a treat with his friends lead to an addiction to being humorous which meant that he made fun of domestic violence. After that it was a long sad decline, leading to him being a figure of ridicule, even for those in Liberal circles. In his final years, he was reduced to writing columns in the media for no other reason than to make his colleagues look less ridiculous.

 

 

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Gladys, Climate Change And Why Some Days Everything Is So Obvious…

TNow, I’d think that this is hardly worth mentioning but then sometimes I think that and people go: “Wow, I never thought about it like that!” or “Gee, I’d forgotten that!”

In the past few days, an “important message” appeared in my letterbox. It was addressed to the adult householder and sealed so while I was tempted to think that it was something akin to the old sealed section of Cleo and dismiss it, I thought I’d better open it just so I could assert that I was, indeed, an adult member of my household.

To my astonishment it was from Clive Palmer telling me the figures from the CDC in the USA which showed how dangerous vaccinations were…

At this point, I should once again point out that I’m always wary of statistics, particularly when they come from people with an agenda. For example, “Never go to hospital! More people have died in Australian hospitals than all the astronauts killed in space flights put together, and we all know how dangerous space travel is.”

So back to Clive Palmer. I happened to mention this booklet to a work colleague and they expressed the view that, while they hadn’t read it, it certainly confirmed all their worst fears about the vaccines. I simply asked them if they had any similar concerns when Palmer was pushing hydroxychloroquine. They had no memory of it.

“Yes,” I insisted, “last year he donated all this hydroxychloroquine to the federal government. I’m just wondering if he’s got a stockpile somewhere and he’s trying to get people worried about vaccines so that he can shift his stockpile.”

I was accused of falling for a conspiracy theory yet again.

“Yet again?”

“Yeah, like how you’ve embraced all this climate change stuff even though there’s no evidence that the polar ice is melting. That photo with the polar bear was staged, you know.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“I can’t remember but it was a very reliable source. And you’re just going along with this whole Covid thing without thinking about it.”

“Whereas those listening to Clive Palmer and Alan Jones are thinking for themselves?”

“Exactly. This Covid is no worse than the flu.”

“But the flu kills millions.”

“Yeah, but we don’t lockdown whole cities and quarantine and vaccinate people because of the flu.”

“Actually we do vaccinate people because of the flu.”

At this point I started to understand how Sky After Dark has an audience, but later on that day I had an even bigger epiphany.

The news followed a report on Gladys Berijiklian’s progress in getting Sydney’s Covid situation under control with a report about some group or other telling us that governments needed to work together on climate change action.

Now I know this is obvious but I couldn’t help but think how putting the two things together made what I’d generously call the Liberal way of preparing for the future. It’s surprisingly the same modus operandi.

  1. While other governments are taking precautions and shutting down, we want to keep things open. No need to reduce emissions/lock Sydney down until we’re sure there’s a problem.
  2. All right we can see a tiny problem here, but there’s no need to panic and shut down because we can just mitigate the effects and keep a strong economy while adopting a “Can do” attitude.
  3. Ok, it seems to be getting a little bit out of control and people want us to do something but we might just wait and see if it’s really out of control because there’s no point in doing something until we’re absolutely sure our actions will be balanced.
  4. Mm, this is a real worry we should do something but not too much because we don’t want to cost people too much. We need to balance the economy with people’s lives and work out which is more important in a given instance.
  5. Well, it’s all happening, so it’s really too late for prevention so we’ll just rely on people and businesses to do the right thing and hope that technology/vaccines can save us.

Like I said, it’s obvious really. I once said that when I first bought a home, I one day hoped to live in a million dollar property. Little did I realise that it would happen without me moving. I also imagined that it would be a beachfront property. Given the way climate change action is happening, that might also happen without me moving, too

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“This Won’t Be A Sympathetic Interview, Mr Morrison!”

Sig O’Phant: Good evening, tonight we’re bringing you an interview with the Prime Minister. Good evening, Mr Morrison.

Morrison: Evening.

Sig: Now, this is going to be a hard-hitting interview and I’m not going to let you get away with anything because that’s my job.

Morrison: Of course,

Sig: So I have to ask the hard questions, even though I personally may not think that they’re fair.

Morrison: I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sig: I mean, you know I didn’t actually write these questions.

Morrison: Let’s get on with it.

Sig: Right. Ok, first question: You’ve had a particularly rough week, how are you sleeping?

Morrison: Not too bad. I’m missing Jen and the kids, of course, because I’ve had to go back to Canberra and quarantine for Parliament but, as PM, one has to make sacrifices. The Olympics have helped and weren’t Australia great in the pool. It’s just wonderful that we’ve managed to secure the 2032 gig for Brisbane thanks to the hard work of whole range of people in my government.

Sig: Excellent. On another matter, are you worried about Sydney?

Morrison: Well, it’s hard not to be, but they have an excellent leader and I’m sure she’s trying her best, even if the task does seem a little beyond her at the moment, but we’re here ready to give whatever support they need and I think that you’ll find that now I’ve talked her into a lockdown, things should be fine any day now.

Sig: So will you be re-introducing JobKeeper?

Morrison: I don’t see the need for that. It was introduced to solve a particular problem and we’re not going to solve last year’s problems with this year’s solutions. We’re going to solve tomorrow’s problems by concentrating on what needs to be done, which is what my government is doing. We’re getting on with it. There’s no point in being wise in hindsight and there’s no point in regretting what you might have done if you’d done something that probably wouldn’t have helped because vaccines aren’t the answer to stopping lockdowns, we just need to be thankful that our Health Minister has worked night and day to get more at some future date so that we don’t need to lock down.

Sig: Someone was suggesting that the only way to suppress the vaccine is to get more vaccines into Sydney. Why don’t we just take them from the states that have no Covid and put the guns where the battle is most intense?

Morrison: Thanks, it was a beautiful Beef Rendang, which is one of the kid’s favourites. Taste.com.au have the recipe.

Sig: Um, er… ah… ok. Mr Morrison, what curry did you cook for your last meal with your family?

Morrison: Yes, we have considered that but it just wouldn’t be fair to those states who didn’t get any. I mean we need to give extra to Sydney but not at the expense of those who need it too because there’s a need and thanks to us we have millions of vaccines on their way in 2022. Thanks to the work of Mr Hunt, millions have had their first dose

Sig: Um… And they enjoyed it?

Morrison: The protests were selfish and they achieved no purpose. If anything they’ve extended the lockdown.

Sig: Excuse me, Mr Morrison, but I think we’ve got our questions and answers jumbled. Would you like to start again?

Morrison: No, let’s just keep going. You can edit them letter and put them all in the right order.

Sig: Ok, but that could be a bit confusing for the rest of the interview. I’m not sure…

Morrison: Your next question was the one about the Labor Party and their backflip on tax cuts.

Sig: I can’t find it.

Morrison: Never mind, find it later and edit it in. I’ll just give you my answer: This just shows that Labor can’t be trusted. They said that they were against them at the next election and now they’ve flipped. How are they going to pay for their promises without the revenue from these taxes?

Sig: I think that’s all I was supposed to ask.

Morrison: You were supposed to ask me about leadership tensions in the Labor Party and how Shorten wants Albanese’s job.

Sig: I thought he wanted your job… Sorry, that was a joke.

Morrison: Not funny. Oh, and by the way, can you keep spreading the rumour that I’ll call an early election if Dutton or Josh actually get the numbers for a spill.

Sig: So you were serious about that?

Morrison: Of course not, but they don’t know that. Although, if they do have the numbers I’d probably be better taking my chance with the electorate, wouldn’t I? I mean, imagine how many more car parks and change rooms we could allocate with the Covid stimulus excuse.

Sig: Ok, well, I’ll get the producer onto the editing. thanks, Mr Morrison.

Morrison: Thank you.

 

Cartoon by Alan Moir (moir.com.au)

 

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Scott Morrison And The Ministry Of Information And Stuff That We Should Believe…

In a crisis, good information is paramount so it’s really lucky that this isn’t a crisis.

Just in case you’re confused, it’s not a crisis because we have everything on target and going to plan and now, we have a four phase plan which describes what will happen in the future assuming that it does. Added to this we now have some army guys running “Operation Covid Shield” which aims to shield the Prime Minister from any awkward questions by having the generals answer them. General Frewen announced in June that we were having a “complete refresh” which is army talk for: ‘’We just sustained a series of heavy defeats so we’re pretending that our strategy of retreat and surrender is part of a new plan for victory.”

But I think you’ll all agree that it’s good to have the army in charge… Well, not in charge. There hasn’t been a military coup, in spite of Dutton being Defence Minister. The vaccine rollout had been in the hands of private companies but like the Covid-Safe App and JobKeeper, it soon became apparent that this was only fifty percent effective. While it didn’t actually help with the battle against Covid-19, it did manage to transfer money from the pockets of the government into private industry which – as anyone following the Liberals knows – it’s better that people have the money rather than governments.

To illustrate this you only have to look at the Great Barrier Reef foundation who were given nearly half a billion dollars without asking for it, or the Car Park scheme where money was allocated for a car park next to a non-existent train station. You wouldn’t get private industry spending money like that. No, as the Liberals keep telling us, don’t trust us with anything, we’re incompetent! Well, they don’t say it quite like that, but they tell us that governments can’t be trusted to be efficient, even when they’re the government.

Anyway, back to the importance of information in battling Covid-19. Let’s clearly set it all out:

  1. Lockdowns are bad for the economy and we need to work to avoid them, and the Prime Minister says Gladys is wonderful because she’s managed to do just that.
  2. In order to stop lockdowns you need to get vaccinated.
  3. People aren’t getting vaccinated because there’s some confusion about the fact that they can’t book in unless they see their doctor and if they’re under sixty lots of doctors are telling them that they’d be better to wait for the Pfizer dose which is coming in millions of doses in the coming months.
  4. Scott Morrison’s office leaks to journalists that he was the one who encouraged Gladys to lockdown.
  5. More than half of Australia’s population is in lockdown, so you need to consider asking your doctor again about Astra-Zeneca because things have changed.
  6. We need to get more people vaccinated to get the economy moving.
  7. Brendan Murphy and the PM are telling us that more vaccinations wouldn’t have stopped the current lockdowns anyway because Delta is happening in other countries who have a much better vaccine rollout…
  8. By much better vaccine rollout, it should be made very clear that they only had a better rollout because they weren’t victims of their own success like we were and they thought it was a race.
  9. It wasn’t a race but now it is and we have to catch up, so will someone do a story about the restorative power of curries when it comes to hair growth?

I think that’s about it.

Quotes from the movie, Forrest Morrison:

“Life is like a box of chocolates because you never know what you’re getting unless you look at the bottom of the box and then all the chocolates fall out.” – Scotty

”Listen, you promise me something, OK? Just if you’re ever in trouble, don’t be brave. You just run, OK? Just run away.” – Jenny

“I may not be a smart man, Jenny, but I know what polls are.” Scotty

”Run, Scotty, run!” Rupert Murdoch

”Stupid is as, stupid does.” Barnaby Joyce.

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