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Rossleigh is a writer, director and teacher. As a writer, his plays include “The Charles Manson Variety Hour”, “Pastiche”, “Snap!”, “That’s Me In The Distance”, “48 Hours (without Eddie Murphy)”, and “A King of Infinite Space”. His acting credits include “Pinor Noir Noir” for “Short and Sweet” and carrying the coffin in “The Slap”. His ten minutes play, “Y” won the 2013 Crash Test Drama Final.

Fair Dinkum, Scott Morrison Turning It Around!

When you hear that Scottie’s turning it around, most of you immediately think of boats where, as Immigration Minister, Mr Morrison stopped us hearing about all those drownings of the coast of Australia by turning boats around so that they could drown in Indonesian waters. However, he’s recently done something much more miraculous than that: according to various media reports, he’s turned around the fortunes of the Liberal party.

Now I didn’t read any coverage of Saturday’s preliminary final in “The Australian”, but I imagine it went something like this:

Melbourne’s performance in the 3rd quarter against the West Coast Eagles was truly sensational! They quickly doubled their first half score of 3 points and Melbourne’s top player beat the Eagles best in terms of possessions!#

Why? Well, that’s the way they covered the latest Newspoll. ScoMo, or more accurately ProMo (kudos to whoever came up with that one!) has apparently turned it all around. Ok, given that the poll after the leadership chaos was so low that announcing that you were putting a banker in charge of implementing the recommendations from the Royal Commission into child abuse because bankers are so trustworthy, probably wouldn’t have caused them to sink any lower. But, hey Scott has turned it all around.

He’s fixed the funding wars in Education by appointing Dan Tehan and giving $4.3 billion to the non-government system. It was quite simple really; they just wanted more money. Of course this has led to some asking why the government sector isn’t getting more money. That’s simple. Good education isn’t about more money, it’s about choice. And people who send their kids to Government schools have chosen to do so. If they wanted more spent on their child by the Federal Government, they should have chosen a private school. The money’s been promised to those who educate the children of politicians, the funding wars are over and stop this politics of envy and class warfare.

Speaking of education, our special envoy for Indigenous Affairs recently tweeted from an indigenous school

“It’s so important to have structured learning. Direct Instruction in action at Warruwi school”

I’m really pleased that structured learning is taking place, but I can’t help but wonder if the camera was a distraction which stopped Tony receiving the direct instruction he so desperately needs.

See, there’s another example of Scottie turning things around. Tony, whitesplaining to the indigenous people that they need to learn to speak English. Of course, we can’t have people in remote areas continuing to only speak their native tongue. I’m not sure why. I think it was something about if you’re going to live in this country you’ve got to learn to speak the language that arrived a couple of hundred years ago, not the one you’re ancestors have been speaking for generations.

In case you haven’t worked it out, I’m not so sure that Scottie is really turning things around. I mean, the “daggy dad” image that he’s trying so hard to cultivate doesn’t seem to be well thought out. After all, those of you who have a father or uncle like that, probably love him, but when your friends come over or when you spend more than a few hours at home, you suddenly remember why you moved out. You know, after he explains why you shouldn’t go out dressed like that or how your nose ring is probably the reason you’re unemployed and not the fact that your employer just moved his entire operation to the Philipines. I think that while some may feel a bit of empathy for Scottie “Daggie Dad” Morrison, we certainly don’t want him to live with us.

And let’s face it, how many of us would like to see our fathers Prime Minister?

#I’d like to apologise to any Melbourne supporters who happen to be reading this by mistake because we all know that nobody who barracks for the Demons would be deliberately reading anything on a socialist site like this. Also, I didn’t check the statistics so I don’t know if that suggestion about the Melbourne player is true or not but, in my defence, I was parodying how a Murdoch paper would approach it!

Scott Morrison Cancels Government!

Right, just remember that you read it here first.

Any day now, ScoBro will cancel the government. I mean, they can’t go all the way to May of next year without everyone noticing that the only reason for replacing Turnbull was that Rupert Murdoch said so, and Morrison and company are having trouble working out what to do because Rupert hasn’t actually given them any specific instructions. And to think it’s the Americans worried about foreigners interfering with the democratic processes.

(As an aside, I’m calling Rupert Murdoch a foreigner because he’s a citizen of the USA, having renounced his Australian citizenship. Yep, he can’t be an actual MP. If anyone tells me that he was born in Australia so he’s Australian, I hope they’re not the same people who told me that I can’t keep saying that I couldn’t call Tony Abbott English.)

Lately, the Liberals have been changing their minds even more often than they’ve changed their Prime Ministers. Let’s look at all the cancellations and sudden changes over the past few weeks.

  1. Parliament was cancelled so that the leadership could be sorted out.
  2. Malcolm Turnbull’s leadership was cancelled
  3. The Emissions Reductions part of the NEG was cancelled
  4. The Guarantee part of the NEG was cancelled.
  5. The NEG itself was cancelled.
  6. Malcolm Turnbull resigned as an MP
  7. The investigation into bullying was cancelled because those women decided that they weren’t being bullied after talking to the PM.
  8. Scott cancelled COAG telling us that this would only lead to less TimTams being eaten in Canberra. (This is an actual statement of his, in case you think that I’m just making a pathetic joke!)
  9. The Coalition cancelled the idea of the Westminister system where misleading Parliament was a sackable offence by deciding that Peter Dutton didn’t actually mislead Parliament because when he said he didn’t know the people requesting special treatment with the au pairs, Dutton was using “know” in the Biblical sense.
  10. The announcement of an extra $4,000,000,000 to the private schools cancelled the whole idea of needs based funding in education and any idea that the Liberals actually believe in a fair go. Unless, of course, you “have a go” by hiring a lobby group to ensure that you get one.
  11. And today, our decisive PM changed his plans at the last minute and didn’t appear at press conference in Wentworth which Kerry Phelps gatecrashed. It must have been last minute because it caught the Liberal candidate by surprise.

So, it seems only reasonable to presume that Scott will announce that he can’t continue with such an obstructist Parliament where he keeps having women wear red and people moving no confidence motions. He’ll claim that an election will give us all fresh air and it’s the one sure way to unite everyone behind Rupert.


Adani To Go Announces Its Intention To Continue Announcing Deadlines…

Every now and then The Australian Financial Review has an article that gives me a good laugh.

Ok, it’s behind a firewall so I can’t give you a link but today’s article about Angus Taylor begins:

“Energy Minister Angus Taylor has slammed greenhouse gas reduction policies as “corporate greed dressed up as saving the planet” while a key ratings agency warned the government-created vacuum in energy policy was putting reliable energy supply at risk by delaying investments in on-demand generation.”

Apparently, it’s only thanks to those philanthropic coal barons that we’re going to get lower energy prices. Meanwhile, Melissa Price, the Minister for Environment or something unimportant, is looking to continue Tony Abbott’s Direct Action policy. This is the policy where we give the worst polluters money and ask them to stop making as much mess with their emissions. It’s rather like the policy where people pay criminals large amounts of money and in return the criminals don’t set their business on fire. The only difference is that criminals actually keep their end of the bargain.

Mr Taylor has the backing of ScoBro who told us:

“Angus is bringing back a package of things right now to see how we can get greater investment in what I call fair dinkum power, that’s the stuff that works when the sun doesn’t shine and wind doesn’t blow.”

Personally I suspect that the day “the sun doesn’t shine” we’ll all be in a lot of trouble, but hey, I just love that they’re trying to get greater investment in “fair dinkum” power. Bloody bonza, mate. This is more important than a few sheilas being bullied, eh? God, if you can’t stand the heat, get back to the kitchen where youse belong.

Ok, that was just a little audition in case Scooter Morrison needs a speech writer. It’s a job I wouldn’t mind because – at my age – I don’t like taking on long-term jobs, prefering short term contracts.

But speaking of fair dinkum things. Did anybody notice that Adani missed their funding deadline again? No? Well, they did. You see, Adani keep giving themselves a deadline for getting funding and when they don’t, they give themselves a new deadline. It reminds me of a friend I once I had who kept announcing their deadline for giving up smoking. The only difference was that the friend did occasionally stop smoking for a few weeks before announcing his new deadline. Still to give the guy his due, he hasn’t had one since his funeral.

Well, Adani may not be able to get funding, but they can get water. I know that there’s drought, but our PM is praying for rain so it should be no problem that Adani is given 12.5 billion litres of water without an environmental impact assessment .

I mean, who needs an environmental assessment when a coal company’s involved? They’re not the ones “virtue signalling”. Their ads are just reminding us that coal is good for humanity and that they only mine it to provide jobs for people.

So any day now I’m expecting one of two things:

  1. Adani will announce that they’re deadline for funding is March 2019.
  2. Scott Morrison will announce that they’ll lend Adani the money as part of their plan to reduce energy prices.

Yes, number 2 would be one of the stupidest decisions ever made by a political party, but we are talking about one who allowed Tony Abbott to be Minister for Women and whose signature policy was paid parental leave because, as we all know, babies are the only thing that matter to ladies.

The policy, like Tony, was eventually abandoned.


Who Fracking Tonight? And Other Great Hits By DJ ScoBroMo…

Ok, when somebody asks if I’ve got a fifty dollar bill followed by, “Put your hands up!”, it suggests to me that I’m about to be robbed.

Just in case this is a little unclear, you need to see the clip which Sco “The Bro” Mo tweeted. Of course, you can’t because Scottie put it up and Scottie took it down. It’s unclear whether he took it down because it was a clear breach of the guidelines for the use of Parliamentary clips or whether he took it down because people were worried that the later lyric of “Who fucking tonight?” may have Barnaby Joyce putting his hand in the air.

Of course it’s a shame that this should take away the momentum from all the achievements of the Morrison government. Just a few weeks after there were allegations of bullying, Scott has successfully put a stop to this. In the past few days, it’s been made very clear that we won’t have any more of these sorts of allegations. Nope. It wasn’t bullying, it was just the same sort of misunderstanding as someone asking you about your money and telling you to put your hands in the air. If you interpret that as a robbery and hand over your money, well, it’s hardly the robber’s fault. Similarly, standing in someone’s office and saying you won’t leave until they sign is the same sort of tactics that any good salesmen would use. Bullying, pah. And anyone who says that there was will be dealt with.

Speaking of bullying, did anyone find Pauline’s response to the nine year old confusing. She said that she’d like to give her “a kick up the backside”. Now I do realise that she was probably being metaphoric… Obviously, you can’t kick someone up the backside when they’re refusing to stand. However, while she was suggesting that the parents had put the child up to it, she was threatening to do (metaphoric) physical harm to the child, rather than the parents. She was telling us that the parents were brainwashing the child and her response was that the child should be thrown out of school. Was she suggesting that the girl would be better off being homeschooled?

Of course it’s been a week for contradictions. We just had Liberal MP, Ian Macdonald tell his colleagues not to send Peter Dutton to the High Court because: “A byelection in Dickson wouldn’t be easy, and could change the government six months before the Australian people go to a general election.”  Strange. I thought that the legal advice was that there was definitely no need to send him to the High Court because he was completely in the clear and there was absolutely no doubt and that it would just be a “lawyers’ picnic”. Yet it seems that some Liberals are suggesting that they shouldn’t send him to the High Court because that might cause a byelection. But how could it when there’s no doubt that he doesn’t need to go?

But back to the achievements of the Morrison governments. They’re doing their bit to ensure more women in Parliament by endorsing a man for the seat of Wentworth. Ok, they preselected a man, but Scott Morrison, Peter Dutton and Malcolm Turnbull all seem to be working in unison to ensure that Kerryn Phelps, the female independent candidate, gets elected.

However, that’s not all the Liberals are doing to help get more women into Parliament. No, Helen Kroger has adopted their successful NEG strategy. That’s the one where you give something a name and then you tell everyone that this is your plan and, hey presto, everyone stops worrying about it because when anyone asks you can tell them that you have a plan and what’s more it’s got a name. Kroger has helped create the Enid Lyons Fighting Fund, which doesn’t plan on fighting Enid Lyons as the name suggests, but rather intends to help women get elected to Parliament by letting them shadow MPs and get mentored and all sorts of other swell stuff. It sounds really good and even if it hasn’t been given any funding, it is a plan and I’m sure that one day someone will be able to say that the only reason that they’re in Parliament is because of Enid Lyons Fighing Fund which as yet is only the Enid Lyons Fighting because as I mentioned has no fund attached.

And let’s not forget energy prices. Every time I see the ad on TV telling me how the Federal Government is working to reduce energy prices I feel a little warmer… which is good because I’m trying not to put the heater on. Exactly what they’re doing wasn’t clear from the ad, so I did what it suggested and went to the site where it told me that they were: “Holding energy retailers to account to ensure consumers are aware of the options they have to change energy plans.” 

Awesome. That should work. But that’s not all. As well they are: “Increasing the scrutiny of the energy market with MORE FUNDING to the Australian Energy Regulator and the ACCC to ensure consumers and industry get a fair deal.”

You’ll notice, if you go to the Powering Forward website, the Government is using LOTS of CAPITAL LETTERS and BOLDFACE to show ExAcTLy HOW much they’re DOING.



Charity Begins At Home Or We Need To Talk About Harriet

School Counsellor’s Office. Mr and Mrs White enter.

Counsellor: Ah, thanks for coming in.

Mr White: We’re really glad you called.

Mrs White: We’ve been really worried about Harriet.

Counsellor: I understand, but really, it’s nothing to worry about.

Mr. White: Yes, but some of the things she’s been doing. She keeps taking her younger brother’s toys and insisting that he shouldn’t have them until he’s earned them. I mean, I do appreciate a work ethic, but…

Mrs White: But he is only two. And then there was what she said when she saw that the government was helping farmers with the drought.

Mr White: Yes, she insisted that we shouldn’t be giving charity to people who didn’t come from the same house as we did. I said that they were in need and she just said that they didn’t have the same surname so why should we help them. And she locked one of her friends in the cupboard because she didn’t come in the right door.

Mrs White: We’ve been asking her for the key for months now, but she insists that the friend has to stay in the cupboard so none of her other friends come in by the wrong door.

Counsellor: So she does have friends?

Mr White: Well, not so many since she had her thirteenth birthday and told them that they had to make a large donation to sit at the table with her.

Counsellor: Yes, well, I can see how this may seem like a real worry to you. However, I’m just throwing this out there, but have you ever considered that she might be…

Mr White: Go on!

Counsellor: A Liberal!

Mrs White: No, she can’t be. I mean what sort of…

Mr White: Not our daughter surely. I mean, she can’t be. She’s female.

Counsellor: Now I know that you may need some time to adjust to the idea but believe it or not, there are female Liberals. It’s just that they’re much more likely to be hidden away than the type you see in the media, but female Liberals are more common than you might think.

Mrs White: But what makes you think that she’s a Liberal?

Counsellor: Well, one of her teachers noticed that she kept blaming everyone else whenever she made a mistake. By itself that wouldn’t be unusual but then we noticed her complete lack of empathy and her inability to make a consistent argument for anything. For example, when she was doing group activities, she’d insist that she’d done all the work and then when the marks were in, she’d loudly declare that this shouldn’t go on her report because the other students had done it. Classic Liberal behaviour.

Mr White: Is it… Is it something to do with the way we raised her?

Counsellor: Now, you mustn’t blame yourselves. Sometimes these things just happen and because we live in a tolerant society she’ll be able to lead a relatively normal life. Of course, she’ll never be able to make a meaningful commitment or trust any of her friends, but apart from that, she’ll be able to function just like a normal person.

Mrs White: Is there anything we should be doing? Like is there any treatment or help available.

Counsellor: I think the main thing is just continuing to be supportive and remembering when attempts to install herself as head of the household, that it’s the condition and nothing that you should blame her for.

Mr White: So there’s no cure or…

Counsellor: Well, there are people trying a radical new therapy. Apparently if you give Liberals lots and lots of money and keep telling that they’re the adults, they behave politely and only lash out at things like renewable energy or unemployed people.

Mr White: How much money?

Counsellor: All of it, but I only mentioned that to say that people are trying to help. I don’t know if there’s any scientific validity behind the therapy.

Mrs White: But the lack of science wouldn’t matter, would it? I mean, if she’s really a Liberal…

Counsellor: The main thing is not to over-react. As unbelievable as it may seem, there are lots of Liberals out there and if you can just steer clear of certain topics, you might never even be aware that they’re any different from you or me.

Mr White: Is there some sort of support group? Malcolm Fraser inspired a lot of people by showing that you could make an almost complete recovery from being a Liberal.

Counsellor: That’s what I mean. You shouldn’t talk about recovery. You should just respect her choices.

Mrs White: So it is a choice thing?

Counsellor: Look, I’m not an expert. We do have someone at the school who’s very good at understanding they way Liberals think and he’ll be able to give you some strategies for getting Liberals to do what you want.

Mr White: Who’s that?

Counsellor: The school chaplain.



Scott Morrison Worried About Whisperers But Dog Whistlers Welcome!

Scott Morrison is tweeting like a Trumpster. One of his recent little gems contained the following in response to a “Daily Telegraph” article about a course to help teachers identify students who may be transgender:

“We do not need ‘gender whisperers’ in our schools. Let kids be kids.

Now there’s so much here that I’m almost at a loss for words… Which some might say is the first positive achievement for Scottie. I could start with the absurdity of taking anything a Murdoch paper says as being remotely connected to reality…

Speaking of Murdoch Muck, here in Victoria, the government tabled 80,000 pages of documents which showed that the Opposition leader, Matty “Family” Guy, spent over two million dollars of taxpayer money to settle a legal case even though the advice was that they’d have an excellent chance of winning the case. As far as we know, it didn’t go to a Liberal donor or the Great Barrier Reef Foundation, but the strong suggestion was that he did it to save his job. This was only worthy of a small article on page 3. However, the next day when it was discovered that the 80,000 pages also contained some privacy breaches of private citizens, this was front-page news. Balance?

Anyway, I’ve decided to start with some statistics. There was a county in the USA which had one of the lowest rates of people per square kilometre in the country. There were no big factories and the cities were all relatively small. It had one of the highest rates of cancer in America. Why? Ok, I’ll give you the answer later.

All right, back to gender issues…

Speaking of gender issues, isn’t Julie Bishop a beacon of light these days? Now that she no longer has much power to do anything about it, she’s speaking out about the terrible culture of bullying in Parliament. Ok, I shouldn’t be too cynical. After all, Julie has always been a supporter of women. All right, she did say that she wasn’t a feminist but that’s ok, because you don’t need to be a feminist to believe that women should be selected on merit and if there aren’t a lot of women in the Liberal Party that’s because there are no women of the calibre of George Christensen, Craig Kelly, Tony Abbott or Kevin Andrews. But one has to remember how Julie sprung to Prime Minister Gillard’s defence after her misogyny speech telling us:

“I think the Prime Minister’s problems have got nothing to do with gender, most of her problems are her own doing and it has to do with her competence, her honesty and her trustworthiness…I don’t think it is a question of toughness, I think it’s a question of competence and I think we’re overdoing the women have to be tough, women have to be competent.”

Bishop’s stand now seems quite different from her approach when we had a female PM, but, in terms of forgetting one’s past statements, she doesn’t even rate a bronze medal. Scott’s statement at the end of his tweet about letting kids be kids wouldn’t be so bad if he hadn’t – as Immigration Minister – been happy to lock them up on Nauru and ignore any suggestions of abuse because these are operational matters.

Of course, the whole idea that somehow teachers and counsellors are encouraging people to become transgender would be laughably absurd were it not for the fact that after the election of Donald Trump people are often happy to believe that laughably absurd is happening.

The implication of Morrison’s term “gender whisperer” seems to be that some people are going around slyly trying to convert kids into adopting a transgender personality.

Now let me quite clear here. I know so little about transgender people that I’m way out of my depth. I personally know of several. However, I have never talked to them about it, nor have I ever counselled someone going through any issues associated with it. In one case, I talked to one about poor attendance when she was a female student, but I have no idea if her poor attendance was relating to gender issues because nothing she told me gave me any inkling that she had any. In short, I am a complete moron on these matters and, as a teacher, it may have helped if I’d known a bit more about how to identify what was going on so that I could have referred her to someone who would have at least helped her work through these and not drop out of secondary school.

But even as a complete moron, I understand that the concept of satanic teachers whispering evil thoughts into students’ heads is neither likely to be happening, nor very likely to be effective. This is akin to the old idea that if you don’t talk about something then kids won’t know about it and they’ll be safe from it. This has been applied to such things as sex, suicide and same-sex attraction. And, as with all those things, people don’t suddenly change because you mentioned it.

I mean, if I say: “Have you thought of joining the Liberal Party?” I doubt that many of you are going to rush out and sign up in the next few minutes, but if I ask why you haven’t joined GetUp! then I may just give some of you a nudge which has you sending your hard-earned money to that terrible organisation trying to unseat Dutton.

Now the article which inspired Scott to tweet after taking as fact something from Rupert’s propaganda unit pointed out that since there was a significant increase of over 200% in people wanting to change their gender in the past three years and it suggested that was because teachers were being trained to identify possible transgender kids. This may be true. After all, there was a significant increase in the number of left-handers once schools stopped giving corporal punishment to anyone trying to write with their evil hand. Prior to that, there was no such thing as a left-hander and it’s only political correctness that allows the left to exist.

But back to the USA county with the high rates of cancer. Did you work out why? Yes, it’s because it has a small population. The county next to it had the lowest rate of cancer. If you only have a small sample then two or three can make an enormous difference. For example, homicide rates over Melbourne won’t vary much from one year to the next. but if there’s a triple murder in one street then the murder rate in that street will probably have jumped quite substantially. It doesn’t mean that the street is suddenly less safe. Similarly, a jump of 200% is pretty meaningless unless we know if that’s six kids instead of three, sixty instead of thirty or six hundred instead of three hundred.

Perhaps it’s time to stop expecting consistency from our politicians and accept the fact that Scott can change from the stern Immigration Minister who ignored reports about the sexual abuse of children to a kind person who just wants kids to be kids.

Unless they’re on Nauru where they need to be punished for the “sins” of their parents.

Scott Morrison And Other Ugly Things

Well, ScoMo – as we’re all encouraged to call him – saw something ugly. Not just ugly, but “one of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen”!

What was it?

The testimony of those abused by that Royal Commission we didn’t need? No, not the one into the banks. The one into sexual abuse of children at the hands of institutions. Remember the Liberals were dragged kicking and screaming into that one, too.

Or was it the sight of children in detention? No, that’s a deliberate policy. It’s a deterrent. I mean, if you have children self-harming and suicidal that should put people off coming to Australia without their au pair papers in order.

Was it animals dying in the drought? Of course not.

It was, of course, a union official who photographed his kids. Yes, John Setka. tweeted photos of his kids holding a sign telling the Liberals to fu#k off and catch real criminals. He acknowledged that it was a mistake and took it down.

So, if that was one of the “ugliest things” Scottie’s ever seen, I would suggest that he doesn’t get out much…

Although the Liberal bloodbath of the past month should be enough to make Mr Morrison aware that life is not as sweet as we’d like it to be.

I heard on the news that the government was close to reaching a deal over Gonski with the Catholic system. Of course, they don’t have to reach a deal with the public system because nobody who counts sends their kids to a public school.

Scott himself, for example, sends his kids to an independent Baptist school. I know this because I read a little article about how he doesn’t want anyone imposing their values on his children… Apart from him, of course.

Why don’t Baptists have sex standing up?

They’re afraid it might lead to dancing.

And, in that way we’ve come to expect from public apologies, if any Baptists were offended by that, I’m sorry. Anyway, Scottie is sending his kids to a Baptist independent school so that they won’t have values imposed on them!

Which is all very well. I mean he’s suggesting that public schools shouldn’t be imposing values on children. And that sounds fine.

Except for two things:

  1. John Howard suggested that it was the lack of teaching values in public education that was reason for parents choosing a private school. He fixed this by giving every school a poster with a list of Australian values and a photo of Simpson and his donkey. Simpson, ironically, was an “illegal immigrant”. As, if one thinks about it, were all the ANZACS invading at Gallipoli.
  2. It’ impossible to run a school without the teaching of some values. For example, when a teacher chooses to intervene and stop a child being bullied, he or she is making a values decision. “Harden up, princess,” isn’t something that a teacher would get a lot of support for… Front bench of the Liberal Party is another story. Similarly, when one tells people that everyone needs a turn, one is telling people that fairness is important. One could say that we’re basing it all on merit and the white males should get all the turns, but outside Parliament, this is considered politically incorrect and gets lots of criticism.


Scott Morrison And How Jesus Got It Wrong With That Loaves And Fishes Miracle!

Now some of you may have noticed that we have a new Prime Minister…

I mean Scott Morrison, just in case some of you either haven’t caught with the news or were afraid that Peter Dutton had decided to have another go as revenge on whichever Liberal leaked the fact that old Mr Potato Head does, in fact, have a compassionate side. Ok, it may only be for French au pair girls, but it sort of undermines his image as the hard man of the party.

Anyway, Mr Morrison – or ScoMo, as we’re all encouraged to call him – is an evangelical Christian. That’s ok. I have nothing against religion. Whether you want to believe that God created a world with sin in it just so he could crucify his son and forgive us for the transgressions of Adam and Eve or whether you think that saying “Beam me up, Scottie” will get you back to the mothership, that’s fine with me. It’s only when you people start trying to impose their religion on others that the trouble starts.

Of course, Mr Morrison is a member of the Liberal Party so this shouldn’t be a problem. As you may have noticed, the Liberal Party have no trouble asserting their strong beliefs and values in principle and then totally ignoring them in practice. Take free speech and Chelsea Manning, as a recent example. Or take one of their most cherished beliefs: The market is best and governments shouldn’t interfere with the free market. This is one of their core tenets… Except, of course, when it comes to coal-fired power stations. Obviously, Mr Morrison isn’t going to let his beliefs as a Christian – or a Liberal – have any effect on his term as PM.

Mr Morrison is on your side. I know this because, at his first press conference, he looked straight at the camera and said, “I’m on your side!” This could be confusing to some people. Was he talking to the cameraman? Or the person behind the cameraman? Or was he talking to someone he knew was listening to the press conference, like the IPA? Or was he talking to Malcolm, just to remind him that he really was on Malcolm’s side still and he only took the job as PM as a favour to the leader he was so ambitious just a few days earlier?

In fact, he cleared it up with a tweet. “Today I gave each of my Ministers a lapel pin with the Australian flag on it. I’ve been wearing this for many years now. The reason I wear it is because it reminds me every single day whose side I’m on. I’m on the side of the Australian people.”

Of course, this would have been a difficult tweet to get exactly right. I mean if he hadn’t added that last sentence it might have still been unclear about whose side he was on. Or if he’d written: “The reason I wear it is because it reminds me every single day I’m on the side of the Australian people”, it may have sounded like there was likely to be some confusion and he needed reminding about whose side he’s on. After all, I’m sure Barnaby Joyce’s new partner wouldn’t like it if he announced that he was wearing a pin because it reminds him that he’s committed to her and without it, he’s liable to forget that he’s not to hang around in bars trying to pick up women.

So Scott’s on your side. But apparently only if you “have a go”, because as we learn from Mr Morrison’s Twitter account:

“Family businesses like Galvatech are more than just companies. They represent Australians – like John and Darren – having a go and getting a fair go.” 

As the Liberal Party clarified on Twitter by quoting our unifying leader:

“If you have a go in this country, you will get a go. There is a fair go for those who have a go – that’s what fairness in Australia means.”

In Australia, in Australia, you must “have a go to get a go”. By inference, if you don’t have a go, you don’t get a go. And “having a go” means being in business, obviously, because it’s partners like John and Darren that represent Australians. By “partners”, of course, I mean business partners because – given his stand on marriage equality – there’s no way Scott would be endorsing them as representing Australians if they were a same-sex couple. Neither would he be encouraging them to “have a go”. However, they’re in business and that means they’ll get a “fair go”, but if you’re not getting a “fair go” then that’s probably because you’re not “having a go” and that’s got nothing to do with the government, because the government helps those who help themselves. Like, for example, au pair girls because they’re prepared to “have a go”, while those arriving in a leaky boat are queue jumping who doesn’t deserve a “fair go” because they’re not ‘having a go”. Although I would have thought that risking your life trying to emigrate to another country might be construed as “having a go”, but I’m not the expert here.

Apparently, this is where Jesus got it wrong. No, not because his parents being illegal immigrants into Egypt, fleeing their homeland just because Herod was “having a go” and slaughtering the firstborn son in every household, thereby getting rid of potential challengers in a way that was even more ruthless than recent Prime Ministerial spills. According to the press releases, Jesus managed to feed a multitude with just a couple of fish and a few loaves of bread. However, he distributed them to everyone,  Bloody bleeding heart. This is not the sort of Jesus that the Liberals believe in. Surely reports of Jesus kicking the money lenders out of the temple are fake news and he merely accidentally knocked over one of the tables in his rush to pat them all on the back. Surely Jesus wouldn’t have fed people merely because they were hungry, without asking if they were “having a go”! No, according to Scoomoo, this sort of approach isn’t the Australian way.

In Australia, you need to prove yourself worthy before you’re entitled to a “fair go”. And one of the best ways to show you’re “having a go” is to not need any government help – unless you’re a farmer in a drought area or a coal miner.

Banks Bullied – Morrison Threatens Anyone Who Behaves Badly!

Ok, just in case you’re confused. It was Julia Banks who was bullied. I’m not talking about the Royal Commission where those pesky people told the major financial institutions that when Dire Straits sang “Money For Nothing”, he didn’t mean it to form part of a business plan.

I’m not sure who takes the prize for the most ironic response to Ms Banks’ decision to pull the plug but I certainly think that both Scott Morrison and Craig Kelly deserve special awards.

Scottie for telling the press that he’d “laid down the law” to his party over bullying. I guess he told them in no uncertain terms that bullying wouldn’t be allowed and if anyone was caught bullying then they’d be… um, bullied into submission by their leader?

However, I think Craig is in a class of his own… Actually, I think Craig is in a world of his own, but his suggestion that she was just not tough enough because, as he put it so eloquently, “You’ve got to roll with the punches in this game.”

I trust that both the punches and the game were metaphoric.

Of course, it’s easy to just go along with the Craig Kelly/Scott Morrison view on this. Julia has announced that she’s not going to seek re-election because she’s been bullied and that’s a shame and it shouldn’t have happened. However, that presupposes that it was her choice and that the bullying wasn’t because some Liberal powerbroker, like say, Christopher Pyne, actually succeeded in his plan to push one of his mates into the seat.

Not that I know that, of course. I’m just speculating. Like I speculated about Malcolm being made PM in 2014. Or Scott Morrison using Peter Dutton to cause the spill, then putting himself up as the compromise candidate.

Nobody has told me anything about Christopher Pyne. I’m just using him as an example. There is no way anyone could imagine him being a bully.

The fact that I live in Julia Banks’ electorate is just a coincidence.


Scott Morrison – The Next Line And A Generation In The Sand…

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the phrases, “the next generation of the Liberal Party” and “line in the sand”,  I may not have enough to retire, but I’d certainly have enough to buy a decent set of noise-cancelling headphones.

Of course, as Malcolm mansplained a few days ago, politics is the art of the possible. It’s also the art of framing things so that you disguise the forest by getting people to look at the leaves and not notice all the felled trees.

So, it’s a whole new generation. We’ve moved from the old Turnbull and Julie Bishop to the young Morrison and Josh Frydenberg and, hey presto, you’ve got a whole new generation. Immediately the whole Liberal Party has entered a “new generation” because with the new PM, we’ll have an enormous range of more up-to-date policies, reflected by his youthful outlook on such things as marriage equality and climate change. Ok, well, maybe not, but hey, he and Josh are both younger, so that makes the average age of the leadership team younger and that’s what a “new generation” means, isn’t it? I mean, we don’t have to go changing policies or anything.

Whatever, it’s time to draw a line in the sand. I know this because it seems to be the new line from just about any Liberals I’ve heard interviewed in the past few days. While I’d like an interviewer to actually point out that sands are known for shifting and that perhaps a line in the wet cement might actually have a chance of still being there next week, I do agree, we need to “look to the future” and “move forward” and “put the events of last week behind us”… And I didn’t even get the Liberal’s talking points for this week!

It’s time to forget the past and get on with the business of governing for all Australians so that they understand that the Liberals are on their side. As part of this philosophy, Scottie has appointed Barnaby Joyce as a special envoy for the drought, and offered Tony Abbott a role as a special envoy for indigenous affairs. For those of you wondering what a “special envoy” is, it’s basically an appointment made for a specific and expressly stated purpose, such as giving former leaders something to do. In the case of Joyce, his role will be to go around having a beer in drought affected areas and reassuring all those in marginal seats that the government is on their side and that the drought has nothing to do with climate change. In the case of Abbott, should he accept the role, his role will be to go to remote communities and stay there. Not all the time, of course. Only when Parliament is sitting or when there’s an election campaign.

So far Tony hasn’t accepted the role and has expressed concern that it’s not a real role and he’d just be given a title without actually doing anything constructive. According to Tony, we’ve just had a Prime Minister like that and we all know how that ended.

Anyway, I think it’s time that we all got behind this forward looking government and let them tell us how effective they’ve been in keeping unemployment at the same rate, getting the Budget back into credit in a few years time and putting downward pressure on energy prices thanks to things like suggesting that we have National Energy Guarantee which asks private companies to guarantee energy and keep prices as low as they can.

The NEG did get through, didn’t it? I mean with all the brouhaha of the past week, I sort of stopped paying attention so I don’t know where it ended up…

Oh, apparently so did the Liberal Party.

Anyway, Scott Morrison told us in his first speech: “We’re on your side”, and I believe him even though earlier in the week when he was asked if he had any leadership ambitions, he put his arm around Malcolm and said: “This is my leader and I’m ambitious for him.”

After all, how was he to know that he’d stand as leader just a couple of days later. How on earth would he have been expected to know what he was planning.

Scott, Scott, Morrison, Morrison (Apologies to A.A. Milne)

Ok, this is a repost from December 16th, 2013, but as the media have been wandering down memory lane with our latest PM, I thought I would too:

Scott, Scott!, Morrison, Morrison, Wetherby James Dupree

Scott Scott
Morrison Morrison
As one of the Ministry
Took great care
Not to say
that terrible word refugee.
Scott Scott Said to the people,
“People,” he said, said he;
“You must never report
What I don’t think you ought
So please always first check with me.”

Scott Scott
Morrison’s leader
Promised to stop all the boats.
Scott Scott Morrison’s leader
Used this to win many votes
Scott Scott Morrison’s Leader
Said to himself, said he:
“I can tell lies
And vow no surprise
and the next PM I will be.”

King Rupert
Put up a notice,

Scott Scott
Morrison Morrison
(Commonly known as dim)
Told his
Liberal Front bench
Not to go blaming him.
Scott Scott
Said to King Rupert,
“Rupert,” he said, said he:
“You must never report on the end of the town
without consulting me.”

Scott Scott
Morrison Morrison
Hasn’t been heard of since.
King Rupert said he was sorry,
So did the Queen and Prince.
King Rupert
(Somebody told me)
Said to a man he knew:
“If people go down to the end of the town, well,
what can anyone do?”

(Now then, very softly)
As one of the ex-ministry
Took great
Care of his leader
And locked up people with glee.
But Rupert said to his Minions
“Minions,” he said, said he:


All You Need To Know About How The Libs Leadership Battle Will Play Out (and several things you didn’t)!

So Parliament couldn’t sit this afternoon. Now the last time I couldn’t sit it was because a rather nasty boil on my buttocks, but the reason Federal Parliament couldn’t sit was completely…

Actually, when I think about it, it was a nasty, festering thing that caused the Liberals to knock off early.

Anyway, they felt that it was important to find out who the leader was before they got asked to pledge their support again, because backing Dutton one day then pledging your support for Turnbull the next then having to explain why you resigned from the ministry just a few hours after your pledge, doesn’t make you sound convincing when you next say, “Well, of course, I’m behind the PM. He has my full support… It is still a ‘he’, isn’t it?”

This afternoon, Malcolm came out and gave a press conference. In that typical strength and courage that we’ve come to expect from Turnbull, he announced that he wasn’t having a meeting unless he had to, but if he had to, then he wouldn’t be running. Or rather, he would be running. He’d be running right away and forcing a by-election in the seat of Wentworth because the new PM would need clear air, and nothing would give clean air like a by-election which would potentially lead to a minority government.

Turnbull went on to tell us that, unlike a few days ago when Dutton’s legal advice seemed enough to ignore questions about his eligibility to sit in Parliament, the matter had now been refered to the solicitor-general and we’d know by tomorrow whether Dutton’s eligibility would be a matter for the High Court. Let’s be clear here: If the solicitor-general says that they’re not sure, then it should obviously go to the High Court, which could lead to another by-election.

So let’s look at scenarios for tomorrow:

  1. Dutton doesn’t produce the 43 signatures. No meeting. The solicitor-general says that Dutton is in the clear.  Everybody goes home, and we all pretend like this was just fake news.
  2. Dutton doesn’t produce the 43 signatures. No meeting.  The solicitor-general says that Dutton needs to be refered to the High Court. Everybody goes home. Turnbull now has the problem of losing Dutton’s vote after the High Court ruling.
  3. Dutton produces 43 signatures, Turnbull looks at them carefully and notices that one of them says “Mickey Mouse”, he points out that over half of them are illegible and they all used the same pen. He says there won’t be a meeting. Everybody goes home.
  4. Dutton produces 43 genuine signatures.  A meeting is held where Dutton is elected unanimously, because Scott and Julie realise that he has the numbers. On his way out, Turnbull points out that the solicitor-general’s advice means that he needs to go to the High Court. It’s generally thought that Dutton must step down till this is resolved. Scott Morrison becomes PM, but loses a confidence vote in the House owing to the fact that neither Turnbull nor Dutton are there to vote.
  5. Dutton produces 43 genuine signatures. A meeting is held which ends up being a four way contest between Dutton, Morrison, Bishop and Kevin Andrews. After the first ballot, Andrews accuses it of being rigged because he definitely voted for himself and so therefore must have received more than zero votes. After an investigation, it’s discovered the Andrews inadvertently voted for another candidate. In the run-off between Dutton and Morrison, Julie Bishop wants to know if she can get her hat back after throwing it into the ring because it’s a nice hat and she needs it to match her outfit for the Melbourne Cup. Morrison wins by one vote and in show of good will offers Dutton the Home Affairs portfolio. Dutton accepts and has ScoMo taken into custody under his special powers as Home Affairs Minister. Asking the reason for the  arrest is deemed illegal and Dutton becomes our first PPM, or Permanent Prime Minister.
  6. Dutton produces 43 signatures. Turnbull chooses not to call the meeting, but isn’t locks himself in his room with comfort food for two days, before coming out and blaming Bill Shorten. The Liberals fail to elect a new leader because everyone nominates and there’s nobody left to run the election.
  7. Rupert Murdoch endorses Pauline Hanson as the best person to run the country.

Ok, some of these seem a little far-fetched. For example, who could believe that number one is a real possibility. But just remember you all thought that when I first wrote in 2014 that Turnbull would oust Tony Abbott, or that Donald Trump would spend most of his presidency saying, “You’re fired!” or when I told you that Scott Morrison was expecting Dutton to be the Trojan Horse that would open up the leadership and he’d just sail through on the slipstream.

Let’s be real, people. Now matter how ridiculous our speculation about tomorrow’s events is, the current mob can find a way to do something even sillier.

The Loveliest Leadership Challenge Where Everyone Sang Kumba Ya!

After deciding that the “overwhelming support” of the party room wasn’t enough to pursue the policy endorsed on Friday, Malfunction decided that he needed to change the policy because overwhelming support isn’t the same as enough support.

He changed it yesterday.

Moving on…

Sky News told us today that some Coalition members called for an end to the chaos and infighting… I immediately inferred that the rest were supporters of Tony Abbott.

On the ABC, Amanda Vanstone told us Turnbull got more votes today than when he first won the leadership. I suspect that she meant when he first became PM…

Then, on Sky, we were told that this was a great challenge because it was totally lacking in the acrimony of previous challenges. Apparently after the challenge the Liberals asked the Nationals to come into the party room, join hands and sing, “Kumba Ya” with the slightly changed lyric of

Turnbull’s praying, Lord, Kumba Ya, Dutton hasn’t got a prayer, 

Oh Lord, Kumba Ya

The Nationals said that they hadn’t received the invitation in time, but they’d lay low and wait till after the drought before they dismissed climate change with all the energy of Barnaby Joyce.

The Project, on the other hand, attracted a lot of controversy because it was headed by the sort fo person who’ll be on the deportation list once Dutton…

Ok, I’ve been listening to interpretations of today’s spill…

Spill, now there’s a word. It suggests an accident. You know, someone was clumsy and they spilled something.

However, the spill from today was deliberate. I mean, Malcolm chose to call for a spill.

I guess I should be more respectful. After all, Malcolm is an ex-PM and as such he should be treated with more respect than addressing him by his first name. (I’m writing this on Tuesday and I’m presuming that it may out of date before anyone reads it!)

Anyway, I have it on good authority that Scott Morrison was more than a little smug last night because he was expecting that Dutton wasn’t going to challenge any time soon, so he’d have time to have his “friends” suggest that maybe it’d be a good idea if there was a compromise candidate and he’d slipstream into the job in the wind tunnel between the gap left by those who want Turnbull to be gone whatever the cost and those who don’t want Dutton to get the job because he doesn’t look like PM material… Although his looks may be his greatest asset.

But we had a spill.


An accident…

And by “accident” we mean something that somebody did delberately which led to unintended consequences.

In breaking news, Darren Chester has pointed out that even National Party members aren’t stupid enough to think that Peter Dutton is electable.

Well, from what the media is saying, Mr Turnbull has until Thursday to turn things around. From what I hear, Peter Dutton has until Thursday to grasp the dagger or Scott Morrison will be PM before Christmas.

Further updates once they become available. Or even sooner if I feel the need to scoop the MSM.




What’s More Likely? (A Post Concerning Unicorns, Shark Attacks And Peter Dutton’s Leadership)

It’s easy to get carried away with the present moment. We all know this, yet we often forget it because the present moment seems so compelling and urgent.

You’ve probably seen one of those memes showing the likelihood of being killed in a shark attack is much lower than the chances of you dying by slipping in the shower. Of course, nobody ever stops to consider things like: most people have a shower every day but only go to the beach a few times in summer. Whatever, it seems safer to avoid any activities involving water…

And while statistics can be twisted to demonstrate support for a politician’s cause, I usually try to ask myself a simple question: What’s more likely?

So when politicians propose solutions to problems which – so far – have never touched me personally, it’s always worth wondering if they’re selling you insurance against sharks or unicorns. In other words, is it something that’s a slight chance of happening or is it something that has no chance of happening. And then, of course, the follow-up question is: Is it worth the cost?

To illustrate my point: After the attacks on the World Trade Centre, governments introduced a raft of changes to make it “easier to catch terrorists”, arguing that some erosion of our rights and freedoms was necessary to protect us from the terrorists. Of course, if you look at history, you’ll notice that more people have been killed or tortured by governments with too much power than by random acts of political violence by terrorists. But hey, this time it’s different because we’re a nice government taking away your rights and we’ll only ever use these against terrorists… Or maybe child pornographers… Or enemies of the state… And that may include people who release information that embarrasses us… Oh and let’s not forget people illegally downloading movies.

Ok, that last one hasn’t happened… Or at least I don’t think it’s happened. Under Australian legislation, if you’re questioned by certain people on certain matters, it’s illegal to tell anyone.

Which brings me to Peter Dutton.

Present moment: Dutton is presented as a Minister who has run his portfolio so well that he’s considered leadership material. His portfolio has grown from one where he didn’t comment about on-water matters to one where it’s now his job to not comment on a whole variety of things. Of course, he does comment on Melbourne people not going out because they’re fearful of “African” gangs. I don’t know whether I should infer from this that we’d all be ok being robbed by “Australian” gangs or whether he singled out a group of identifiable immigrant background because it fits into his portfolio.

Past: Peter Dutton was once Shadow Health Minister. He distinguished himself by not asking any questions on Health Policy during Question Time, so it’s clear that a portfolio where he says nothing suits him. Once he became actual Health Minister, he started saying things. While Greg Hunt won an award as “Best Minister in The World”, there was no actual award for the worst. If there was, Dutton would have won convincingly. as he was considered the Worst Health Minister ever, by the medical profession, the media, his own party and just about everybody except for the Peter Dutton fan club, which at the time, had a membership of one.

So, are the Liberals really silly enough to get swept up in the present moment and forget what a fool Dutton makes of himself if he has to say other than his two stand-by lines: “We don’t comment on this sort of thing” or “Let’s all get angry at unions/Bill Shorten/African gangs/tribunals/the courts/foreigners/unicorns!”. As PM, he’d occasionally have to say something nice and smile. No, it’s not true that he can’t smile. We all remember his grin when making that joke about rising waters and climate change. Ok, it was unfortunate that he did in front of a microphone because he hadn’t worked out that those things actually picked up sound.

Surely the Liberals couldn’t be silly enough to think that Dutton would be capable of being anything more than a head kicker? Surely, they’d remember how Abbott was such a great Opposition Leader that he continued being Opposition Leader even after he made it to the Lodge.

Oh wait, it was being renovated and he had to stay with a group of men in some police thing. Anyway, that may explain Abbot’s concern about not reducing emissions.

So, I leave you with the question. What’s more likely? Will the Liberals stick with Malcolm Turnbull because to change leaders again makes them look inept? Or will they all get behind someone with a terrible track record and ensure a wipeout at the next election simply because the NEG doesn’t have a section specifically demanding that we all install a coal-fired power station in our living room?

Mm, might be time to buy that unicorn insurance…

Let’s Just Remember That Bloke In The Senate Didn’t Get As Many Votes As You Have Friends

It’s important to keep a sense of perspective here. I read somewhere today that Fraser Anning was elected with 19 votes. I’m not prepared to accept that as fact because it’s clearly wrong!

No, it’s not true that Anning was elected to the Senate with less votes than even Malcolm Roberts…

He wasn’t elected.

He was appointed after Malcolm “I thought that I was Australian” Roberts was turfed out because he had dual citizenship. Which makes Anning’s hostility to immigration a little ironic.

After being sworn in, even his own party didn’t want him and so he joined Bob Katter’s party.

When it’s all said and done, I may not have that many friends, and not everyone in my family would vote for me, but I suspect that I’d be able to rustle up more votes than he did.

So why are we all getting so worked up about a loser like this? I mean, why give him the free publicity he must surely be seeking…

Of course, we could accept the explanation of Bob Katter that – owing to his lack of university education – Anning had never heard the phrase “final solution to the Jewish problem” and that it was just an unhappy coincidence that his racism should coincide with one of the best known racists of the 20th Century.

I mean, we shouldn’t be calling him a Nazi. Godwin’s law and all that.

And is this perhaps another case of political correctness gone mad? I mean, free speech. You know, shouldn’t someone be able to call for a referendum on immigration without these attacks because doesn’t free speech mean that privileged white men should be able to say whatever they like without criticism?

But perhaps the time has come to stop arguing with certain people. Perhaps the time has come to simply stop all the “political correctness” that right wing nuph-nuphs complain about and start telling it like it is.

So, Fraser, why on earth should we think that someone who’s so ignorant of history that they’ve never heard the phrase “final solution” would have any ideas about how this country should be organised? And when you say we should introduce the White Australia policy does that include the dictation test*? Come on, Fraser, you must surely know what the dictation test is. Are you bringing that back in, or are you proposing a new,  more restrictive White Australia policy?  And were you aware that your speech contained a number of inaccuracies, or is that part of the whole thing that it’s only the elites who have to worry about things like what’s true and what’s not true? Or don’t I understand that it’s only the educated who have to worry about justifying their position – when you don’t bother finding out what’s true and what’s not true, you’re one of the people.

You know, one of those people who belongs to a party where the leader has their name embedded into the name of the party… like Clive, Pauline and Bob. Where we don’t like elites… Unless they’re the god-like founder of the party.

Fraser, you’re a stupid man and it’s about time we stopped all this “political correctness” and simply told it the way it is: Some people are born stupid, some achieve stupidity, and some have stupidity thrust upon them.

And speaking personally, I’m sick of all the stupidity thrust upon me from politicians, the media and the guy who hasn’t read anything about a topic but thinks that his opinion is just a good as a scientist who’s been studying it for years.

Let’s hear it for the clever, the informed and the thoughtful. Stop pretending that Trump is a good role model and accept that the foolish can be lucky for a while but sooner or later, people who play with matches start fires that they don’t know how to deal with.

*    “The Dictation Test applied to all non-European people entering Australia between 1901 and 1958. The applicant was required to write out 50 words in any European language (after 1905, any prescribed language) dictated by an immigration officer.”


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