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Welfare Dependency More Pressing Than Depressing Declares Minister!

Alan Sludge, the Almost-human Services Minister, has told a $300 a head lunch at Sydney’s Hilton Hotel that welfare dependency as the most pressing problem facing Australia’s social security system.

Speaking at a lunch for The Centre For Economic Development, Mr Sludge told people, “Basically, it’s poison for the unemployed. As we all know the best form of welfare is a job, and everything should be geared towards supporting capable people into work, even if they’re not capable because of some temporary problem like the loss of a limb or two. For some people, welfare has become a destination rather than a stop along the way. Too many people are led into lives of dependence and passivity, with insufficient incentive to make the most of their innate potential. For a start, as you all know, lots and lots of the unemployed are on drugs and we intend to show them lots and lots of love by drug testing them and cutting their benefits. If they have no money, then they won’t be able to buy drugs and, hey presto, problem solved.”

When asked if this would leave them reliant on crime because a lot of the unemployed were also dependent on food, Mr Sludge explained that this was exactly the sort of incentive people needed to find a job. “We need to remember that long term welfare dependence sucks the life out of people which is why we’ve introduced a points system for job seekers who fail to meet their obligations to look for work, attend meetings with job agencies, spending three hours a day on the phone to Centrelink to challenge their robo-debt, work twenty-five hours on a work-for-the-dole scheme and undertake training in something that’ll have them job ready, such as coal-mining.”

Mr Sludge went on to point out that the average welfare recipient was costing the government as much the people at the Hilton were paying for lunch. “And that’s not for the year! That’s EVERY week! And while you’re getting a terrific meal most unemployed people just waste their money on addictions like food, shelter and books. This is why we need to extend the welfare card, so that we can control their spending and make sure that they aren’t reading too much.”

Sludge then reminded those assembled of Scott Morrison’s assertion that people who are on the top tax rate are basically working one day for themselves and one day for the government. “People on the top tax rate never get any benefit at all from government services because they all attend private schools, private hospitals and they never use public transport or roads, so basically they’re getting nothing for the money they contribute in taxes.”

One person suggested that Sludge seemed to be implying that the government wasn’t spending the money very well.

“Of course not,” said Sludge. “We’re completely useless. That’s why we need to privatise everything. You can’t let us attempt to run things. Look at the mess successive governments have made with the NBN… Of course, we’re delivering faster and cheaper than Labor because we’re just so much better than Labor, but still we’re hampered by the fact that we’re a government and it’d be better if we just privatised the whole country and sold it to Adani. Of course, we’d need to offer interest free terms because they’d never be able to afford it otherwise.”

“You’ll notice that Infrastructure Australia has just released a report from someone who was a minister in the Kennett government. The report basically said that what he did when he was a minister was a great idea and public transport works really well now, because instead of having trains run late like they used to do under public ownership, private companies just cancel the train so that they can still get their bonuses. Anybody who thinks that privatisation hasn’t improved anything is just a socialist who can be ignored. Either that or they’re some academic that’s trying to get funding for some study or other and there’s no reason for doing that, because we already know what works and what doesn’t. And clearly people who are unemployed don’t work and therefore need to be told what to do.”

Mr Sludge then announced that it was time for dessert so he’d finish his remarks with a dessert themed quotation. “Marie Antoinette apparently allowed the peasants to eat cake which led to a revolution. We certainly won’t be making the same mistake and you hard working economic rationalists are the only ones we’ll allow to eat cake.”

Dessert was then served.

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  1. Win Jeavons

    If privatisation is more efficient than government, why are so many of us worse off than once. Oh, I know, efficient does not mean done better, but done cheaper and with a nice profit for the provider. To hell with privatisation, where it rightly belongs !!!

  2. diannaart

    I finally get it, the real reason why neo-cons are so keen on keeping on coal mining – so unemployed parasites can work for the, er, benefit card.

  3. Jerry

    Yes it’s about time Abbott got off the Government teat and got a real job.

  4. zoltan balint

    Privatisation is good for two main reasons – the minister will get a job after politics and whilst in pollitics he will have less to do so less to screw up. Privatisation also has the added advantage of lowering expectations of workers with pay and job security. The LNP has been telling us for a very long time that the Australian worker costs too much and the private sector manages things better with fewer workers. If only we could cut more red tape so they can get on with doing the good job they are doing now and employ more people part time.

  5. Clean livin

    WRONG, Minister!

    Welfare dependancy is not the most pressing problem in Australia.

    The most pressing problem is lack of employment opportunities, and full time employment, leading to unwanted Welfare dependancy.

    And your mob are responsible for improving this situation. Something that seems to have slipped your collective minds as you bludgeon the resultant unemployed for YOUR lack of measurable action and ability to create a fully employed economy!

    Make no mistake, the coalition solely, is totally responsible for the continuing lack of a positive outcome in the economy, and resultant employment hours of the nation.

    Come the next election, you, personally, and your fellow coalition colleagues may yet be able to observe the outcomes of your failures to boost the economy.

    Try getting a job with “redundant politician” on a resume!……….

  6. paul walter

    The Centrelink stuff is the great unpublicised scandal of this decade, an exercise in meanness, cruelty and slander unrelated to realities.

    Put Tudge out of a job, take HIS income off him and see how “dependent” he becomes.

  7. Freethinker

    Clean livin, if you say that to him or any member of the government they will say the it is not their fault, it is the senate fault for not allow them to implement the policies for Jobs and Growth.
    This mob does not care less and do not have an idea what it is compassion.

  8. kristapet

    Sludge has been eating, far too much cake!
    The sugar component in: “let them eat cake”, has turned his brain in to gooey marsh mellow, causing neurological deficits

  9. Papuq


  10. Zathras

    I remember listening to Parliament when the Telstra sale bill was initially introduced. It started with the preamble “This Government recognises that private industry is always more efficient than public enterprise…”

    One member (I think it was a Democrat) objected because it meant that if this was introduced into Law, it would become illegal for government corporations to be more efficient than public ones and vice versa.

    It was always about political ideology and the transferring of public wealth into private hands and nothing at all to do with practicality and it seems that nothing has been learned since with some politicians remaining so far out of touch with everyday reality.

  11. Carol Taylor

    Sadly the Coalition government is caught in a real bind. You’re no Liberal if you don’t believe in lower wages and a “flexible” workforce. So, ok..we’re achieving that – wages are flat with massive casualisation of our part-time workforce. But oh damn! We need all those juicy tax dollars from a well paid lower and middle class know, the people who actually PAY their taxes. So what to do? Hit the unemployed of course, because we don’t have a revenue problem, we have a spending problem. So if you don’t want your middle classes paid more, you’ll just have to aim to have more of them working by the use of starvation and other tactics.

  12. darrel nay

    big government leads to big corruption – just look at the ongoing tax office fraud.


  13. darrel nay

    Most research shows that when people are shoved off the dole they are considerably happier and far more independent 12 months later. This reality is difficult to see if you live in a community with a sense of entitlement. I will always be grateful to my partner who taught me that we are not meant to be parasites. If a person is fit enough to work they should work.
    Many of us are sick of hearing “but, there are no jobs” – the solution is simple ie. show some initiative and start your own business. Increasingly, people are waking up to the fact that unemployment benefits are a tool designed to domesticate us. Human beings are meant to be productive – they are not suited to being dependent on the State.


  14. Rossleigh

    Gee, darrel nay, given that most small businesses fail, do you have any ideas for an “initiative” which someone with almost no capital would be able to start?
    You might as well say, “Why don’t the unemployed do what J.K. Rowling did and write a series of best-selling novels?”

  15. darrel nay

    reply for rossleigh,

    If you fall off a horse you don’t just give-up mate. Similarly if your business ‘fails’ then get back on the horse and turn short term ‘failure’ into a success.
    If you are short on cash, there are still countless opportunities in our society – for example, you could do baby-sitting, gardening,mobile hair dressing, etc. etc. etc. etc. It just takes a little nous and a positive commitment mate. You might even decide to ignore the doubters and write a “series of best-selling novels.


  16. Michael Taylor

    I have a good idea which I hope the governments adopts …

    Kick everybody off the dole – EVERYBODY – then sit back and watch. Within a month they’ll either have a job or would have started a thriving business.

  17. Rossleigh

    Baby sitting requires you to seem respectable enough that people would leave their child with you and mobile hair dressing is a bit hard without a car, but hey, have it your way.
    Plenty of opportunity… I guess that’s why you’re in the Business Rich List.
    Coz if you’re not, you clearly didn’t take your opportunities and simply didn’t try hard enough.

  18. Michael Taylor

    Rossleigh, I made my first billion by weeding gardens during semester breaks at uni.

  19. Freethinker

    darrel nay, I was expecting that kind of posts during the last minutes in the happy hour, but 9.15 am?

  20. darrel nay

    reply for michael taylor,
    I thought you might have made your first billion as a motivational speaker for the unemployed.


    p.s. weeding will leave you feeling a lot better at the end of the week as opposed to collecting a dole cheque.

  21. Michael Taylor

    I wasn’t on the dole at uni. I think it was called TEAS back in those days (now called AusStudy). Weeding was too back-breaking, so I later learnt Microsoft Access and made my second billion by building databases.

  22. Jagger

    You really have to worry about this country, when a political party is comprised of people like Abbott, Abetz, Andrews, J. Bishop,Brandis,Dutton,Morrison,Porter, Tudge, Turnball etc. and supported by the MSM and people like Darrel Nay.

  23. darrel nay

    Congratulations on your success Michael.

    Weeding does build character and a strong back though.


  24. darrel nay

    hey Jagger,

    Do you need a safe space mate?

    People are going to continue to disagree with you because your views are not omnipotent.


  25. Freethinker

    If only there was a malware software to stop some kind of posts here………..
    Michael if one come with that kind of software will make a fortune

  26. Jagger

    Darrel, come on now mate, take your medication and have a lie down.

  27. Michael Taylor

    People are going to continue to disagree with you because your views are not omnipotent.

    Back at ya.

  28. Wun Farlung

    Daniel Nay
    What and where is this research that shows people are considerably happier when shoved off the dole?
    I’ve just done a quick search and can find plenty of research stating that crime rates rise and mental well being decreases but nothing about people being considerably happier
    If you would be kind enough to provide a link so I can be enlightened

  29. Michael Taylor

    Wun, you’ll probably find the link on the Liberal Party website. It’s a site loaded with opinions disguised as facts.

  30. Wun Farlung

    I was thinking the Smellograph or Unorstrayan
    Liberal website same-same

  31. cathamo

    It seems to me that if sludge and dutton and the lnp are voted in by the hansonite fringe dwellers, ordinary Australians are in for a turbulent time and I would not be surprised if we have a rebellion

  32. diannaart

    “There is plenty of room for all hard-working people at the top of the pyramid”

    If you say this all day, every day, anything becomes true – just ask Malcolm Roberts.

  33. Florence nee Fedup

    They intend to do that with six month wait for dole. Same as someone who is disabled late in life are expected to seek work for three years before being eligible for disability pension. One must be punished for becoming ill or unemployed by being force to spend meagre savings accumulated over years.

    Where are the fact and figures for those they claim to be welfare dependent. Truth is, most have worked most of their lives paying taxes. Most on benefits for a limited time.

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