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Turnbull, Abbott, And A Live Blog – Not As It Happens People, But You’ll Be Watching The Future Unfold.

Live Blog – As It Is About To Happen!

Now for those of you who are wondering how I can tell you what will happen, I’d like to point out that I’ve done of a lot of theatre over the years, and – generally speaking – actors follow the script. Unless they stuff up completely. In which case, all bets are off. And given the current mob of clowns we call the Federal Government, that’s a real possibility, but even they should get the occasional line right.

Simply put, this means that if someone has a script of say Shakespeare’s “Julius Ceasar”, they can be pretty sure that Brutus isn’t going suddenly throw himself in front of Ceasar and take a bullet (or a dagger) for his mate Julius. Similarly, one should beware the Ides of March, and when the person beside you tells you that Marc Antony will ask you all to lend him your ears, you’re probably right if you argue that it’s not really worth doing unless interest rates go a lot higher…

And while I’m not sure that the script I was handed last May, which assured me that Turnbull’s future was assured. (Yeah, I know I keep linking it, but that’s only for people who haven’t actually read it, so you don’t have to go back if you’ve already read it!)

And I know that Steve Bracks hasn’t entered federal politics, nor has Peter Costello managed to announce that he misses politics and would nominate for Doncaster which was supposed to happen when Kevin Andrews stood down, sparking a pre-selection contest with another Peta, but Kevin Andrews announced that he wasn’t standing down. So I was wrong, but stick with this anyway because it’s Friday and we all need a good laugh and by next week, nobody will be laughing.

How things will unfold:

  1. Abbott will call a press conference to announce that there are more important things than who’s PM and that we need to start concentrating on what’s important such as keeping Australians safe. If a Murdoch journalist gets the first question, they will ask him if that’s the case, will he step down for the good of the country; if it’s one from the ABC/Fairfax collective, they will ask him then why is he trying to make the central issue in the Gillian Triggs/Human Rights Commission Report whether Gillain Triggs is the head of the Human Rights Commission. If an independent journalist was ever allowed to ask him a question, they’d probably ask if he’d stayed in the priesthood and become a bishop (irony there, eh?), would he have attacked the person bringing the sexual abuse of children to his attention as he did to Gillian Triggs. The IPA, on the other hand, would ask him, why hasn’t he replaced Gillian Triggs with Tim Wilson like he promised them.
  2. The media will quote various unnamed Liberal “insiders” and “sources” high up, and quote various other journalists who tell them that they wouldn’t be sharing this if they weren’t so high and what was in that last cocktail, but apparently Loughnane and Credlin are married and this is something that’s caused a lot of ill feeling, not just between the two of them, but others as well, and shall we have another one of the cocktails before I write the story about Abbott’s numbers being dayed?
  3. Malcolm Turnbull will call a press conference to announce that he has no leadership plans and that he’s behind Tony 110%, even when he’s wrong and that you couldn’t get a more loyal minister than he is, so all these suggestions that he’s about to challenge are just being made up by journalists searching for a story, and, by the way, any suggestion that he was criticising the PM when he gave my stellar performance on Q&A are made by people with an axe to grind.
  4. Not to appear disloyal, Julie Bishop will announce that she, too, is behind the PM 110%.
  5. Joe Hockey, in a vain attempt to keep his job as Treasurer and show that he has an understanding of numbers, will insist that one can’t have actually have more than 100% of anything. When someone asks him if you can have eleventy percent, he will attempt to blame the Labor Party for the fact that he was made Treasurer when most observers expected him to be Leader.
  6. Tony Abbott will demand that Turnbull pledge his loyalty.
  7. Malcolm will say that he’s never been anything but loyal.
  8. Scott Morrison will realise that the reason he was removed as Minister for Immigration was so that he couldn’t use his recently granted powers to deport Tony Abbott and hold the other potential rivals in a detention centre while he assessed their claims to be leader.
  9. The day before the next projected spill, Abbott will visit the Governor-General and call an early election.
  10. The Murdoch Press will argue that this is the best way forward, as it clears the air, and will allow the Liberals to govern without all the negativity from Labor, The Greens, the Independents,doctors, patients, etc, before criticising Labor for having no policies, followed by a critique of any policies they have released. Their editorials will urge us all to vote for Tony and give him the numbers to make us all better off by lowering our wages.

Ok, mightn’t happen quite like that.

But I may be closer than many realise.

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23 comments

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  1. Lyle Upson.

    ooops, my post is caught in your post trap … hope it returns

    cheers

  2. John Kelly

    Well Ross, you might be close to the mark and then again, you may not. I don’t see Abbott resigning unless he gets a great job offer outside of parliament. The DD scenario is well within his mindset. I suspect, however, he will face another spill and lose to Turnbull 60/42. That won’t stop the internal bloodletting though because Turnbull won’t wear either Hockey or Brandis.

  3. Loz

    In these depressing days it’s good to read your witty articles.

  4. stephentardrew

    Gotta laugh Ross its all good fun while things are on the move. Beats getting depressed.

    Gotta keep up that hopey changey thing as Sara Palin, in her more deluded than just deluded moments, would suggest.

  5. Bultaco Metralla

    I reckon you’re right. Abbott will wreck the place before he submits to humiliation.

  6. CMMC

    Woolworths CEO says leadership quagmire is bad for business.

  7. Kaye Lee

    Regardless of which way they go they are stuffed. Keep Tony and you are committing political suicide. Put Malcolm in and he either has to piss off his party by changing their whole policy setting or piss off the public by making no difference. Plus he is on the record for many principles that he has since foregone. And if Julie were silly enough to put up her hand, I am assiduously collecting her more vitriolic diatribes about “Rudd-Gillard-Rudd” and “illegitimate government” and “stabbing in the back”. Michaelia Cash’s Shakespearian effort in the Senate would also get many reruns. I almost feel sorry for the Liberal Party. What to do? (you wanna talk shit-eating grin, you should see my face right now)

  8. JohnB

    Sorry to spoil all your fun, but I wan’t to see Shorten resign the ALP leadership for personal reasons – to be replaced by the R&F’s original ballot choice Albanese.
    I’ve had enough of the politics of the right.

    Then we’d be cooking with gas!

  9. stephentardrew

    Gotta agree JohnB.

  10. mark delmege

    I dunno John and Ross. I’m not sure that Labor has the nous anymore but sure they are better than this lot but we will still be disappointed. Ross I was thinking Abbott might last until the executions which would also be his death too and if they don’t happen then maybe a little longer. Right now I don’t really care too much either way I’m just happy to see them squirm but it’s not good for anyone.

  11. Michael

    The liberal party are in such disarray at the moment I can’t see anybody standing against TA. I mean who would want the job of leading this rabble. Most of them are just total right wing nut jobs, living in the past with their 1950’s ideologies, racist views, trying to increase the gap between the haves and have not.

    liberal politicians are like the bullies in Tom Browns school days that haven’t grown up.

    But hey, it’s all labors fault, that dysfunctional government that managed to get us through the GFC. intact.
    It’s labors fault they left the coalition with one of the lowest debt to GDP figures in the OECD. Which incidentally the coalition are increasing daily. It’s all labors fault that unemployment rates are high. It’s all labors fault that business confidence is at an all time low.

    Gotta stop, my blood pressures starting to go through the roof.

  12. silkworm

    Breaking news: 35% of Australians like turd sandwiches.

  13. Annie B

    Loz … “In these depressing days it’s good to read your witty articles.”

    I agree with your comment 100%. … Cos it IS all very depressing isn’t it. …. and Ross makes us laugh in the face of reigning confusion.

    Also think Rossleigh’s No.9 suggestion might be very close to the mark. Before the next spill – the idiot will call an early election. … This way, he can save a fraction of his frightened face.

    I do believe the PM is in fact, very afraid. ……. As he should be. I could not countenance a return of the LNP at this time.

    Many of Rossleighs’ tongue in cheek suggestions here, might in fact be closer to the mark in reality.

    …………

    One day very soon, we will know exactly what it is that Malcolm Turnbull is really up to. …. He appears to to be at the moment a bit of a master of disguise. ,,,, However, as one commenter on another article noted ” Turnbull is right of centre, moderate” …. which could mean a healthier approach to matters that would be better for Australia and Australians.

    If Turnbull succeeds in upending the Abbott on his pointy head, he sure will have his work cut out for him – trying to be CEO to that insane mob, hopefully continuing his preference for renewable energy etc. … and maybe, just maybe giving us a little renewed hope somewhere along the line.

    I don’t like Liberal Governments for as many reasons that have ever been listed on AIM N … but we have it – now all we need do is look for a leader who is diplomatic, sensible, invites respect, speaks correctly, and is not as neo-Conservative as Abbott and his mob of cretins.

    Speaking of which – I wonder who Malcolm Turnbull’s chief of staff would be. …. Certainly wouldn’t be Credlin. !!!

  14. eli nes

    A good chuckle especially, with so many federal dual passport possibilities, the beautiful possibilities from 8. (anyone with a grandmother born in england used to be eligible for a UK passport??)
    9 is scary because the electorate just might be stupid enough to still believe his slogans, feel sorry for his treatment by the media and vote for him.
    Very astute michael, shame gillard in 2013 and billy now didn’t/doesn’t accept such blame and confess the reason for AAA.

  15. rossleighbrisbane

    As a little aside here, I came across this while following a link: “Declaring the north to be Australia’s ”next frontier”, Mr Abbott promised a discussion white paper would be completed within his first year in office.”
    Mm, so many broken promises that his third major policy announcement never being mentioned again after the election seems to have just slipped from the consciousness, but it would be interesting to hear an an interviewer ask him about the discussion paper just to see if Abbott tried to use his Jedi mind tricks to convince us all it never happened.

  16. Rossleigh

    Yes, but his promise was for a discussion white paper “within his first year of office”. By my calculation, it’s over a year, but then maybe he’s going to count the time from when he moves into The Lodge…

  17. john o'callaghan

    The one thing i have enjoyed from this soap opera is watching the conservative commentators trying to justify it all,some of them have been very creative and are a joy to watch

                              That idiot Paul Murray is an Abbott apologist down to his boot straps and is absolute comedy gold,i dont know how it's going to end,but in the meantime i will keep ordering the popcorn and continue to enjoy the show.//
    
  18. sick up and fed

    and if we do have an early election, the idiot voters of australia will do what they always do, and we will end up with either a coalition or a labor government, and we will carry on with our bitching and moaning all over again, as we slowly realise that the mob weve just put into power were no better than the mob we just chucked out.

    what was that saying again about always doing the same thing but expecting different results? fair dinkum voters, if you think voting actually makes a difference, whatever you do, dont vote for either of the major parties… it doesnt matter which one you dislike more, neither are their for the benefit of anyone but themselves. our so called democracy is a sick bloody joke, just look at that collection of morons we have as our representatives! – if that is really the best we can do, then we are a mob of fools, and we deserve whatever we get.

  19. AndrewL

    Thanks Rossleigh.
    Certainly there are no politicians in either major party with anything resembling a vision for the future that improves the lives of all Australians, reverses the negative impact of our living style on the environment and empowers all people here regardless of their economic status through education. That is OK though as politicians should not be tasked with deciding policy. That should be left to smart people like scholars, scientists and economists. Politicians should be tasked only with implementing policy that results in making the vision a reality.

  20. mark delmege

    Come on AndrewL that’s rubbish. There are generally many ways of doing stuff – good ways and bad ways. Experts disagree all the time and they can all be wrong. IMO the politicians role is to debate and introduce policy after the best advice and then it should be up to the bureaucracy to implement and manage. Of course it’s never that simple. Most politicians haven’t a clue about most things – just a general belief that one way or another is better – depending upon factional and other influences. The reality is that our style of ‘democracy’ is pretty limited, generally unworkable and about as bad a system as could be imagined. Worse still our major parties are heavily influenced by (fifth column ) foreign interests. But we muddle through badly. At least we change parties every few years and fill more pockets in the process and share the mistakes about.

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