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The Nationals have re-tooled

New England recaptures the title of Dope Capital of Australia.

Barking Barmy Joyce, our most celebrated family man, has resumed his role as the nation’s Number 2.

Having a bloviating prosperity cultist who consults eagle paintings for career advice and a habitually pickled pest in the top two positions in the country is quite the achievement even for a nation that has sleepwalked through eight years of the Lying Nasty Party’s belligerent kakocracy.

Deputy PM Mickey McWhatsisname rose from obscurity to become one of the most unrecognised names in politics. He’s a man so soporific that migrating birds fall from the sky whenever he speaks. He has the substance of a chalk outline and is now reluctantly returning to his previous role as idiot at large – monitoring exploding cow pats and burning effigies of inner-city, latte-sipping greenie-lefties. Barking Barmy Joyce has resumed the position of leading the ignorance pride parade that is the National Party, the fossil fuel-obsessed creationists who don’t believe in fossils.

Image from Twitter

It seems that the Nats have decided that exploiting the credulous rubes who love a “character” requires more than just dressing as Elvis. And regional Australia does love its outsiders – how else to explain the incoherent Bob The Mad Katter, One Nation’s homunculus and “living soul” Malcolm Roberts (a diminutive Screwloose Lautrec) and Buoy George Christensen the floating member for Manila. So, time to embrace the National’s ethos of back to the future and resurrect a bloke whose red neck joins up at the front – the florid fornicator from New England; Barking Barmy Joyce.

Barmy is the answer to questions no one seems to have asked. Do dinosaurs still roam the earth? Who’s been plucking Gina Rinehart’s chin hairs? Do the ladies’ lavs in Tamworth pubs have panic rooms?

Barmy lost some skin (and some teeth) when, while maintaining his focus on the bush, his girlfriend’s IUD blew up in his face. But you can’t keep a cheap drunk down. While he still thinks Wi-Fi is the plural of wife and that gay marriage will damage our cattle exports he’s back, promising that his rortin’ rootin’ days are behind him, updating his register of extra-marital interests and announcing his newly discovered humility via text ($600k expense claim pending).

Barmy is no outlier in the Nats. Despite qualms about his hands-on style from the wimmin in the Party one of Barmy’s most enthusiastic supporters and a representative sample of the lead paint lickers is Matt Coalface Canavan of the Man-Coal Love Association. For Matty every paddock, every orchard, every vineyard and every endangered habitat is a coal mine awaiting a government subsidy. Matty’s future-focused business acumen – along the lines of a Canavan Saddlery and VCR Rentals franchise, is built on the concept of maximising tax payer inputs to dud investments for familial benefit in the Angus Squizzy Taylor tradition. But I am sure Matty’s support has nothing to do with his brother’s investment in a busted-arse coal mine.

Joyce and Scooter Morrison should be quite a team despite the fact they despise each other.

Joyce the great testiculator waving his arms about and talking bollocks, his puce-faced ranting complementing FauxMo’s end-times dogma – the apoplectic and the apocalyptic working together for a shared vision of Australia as a scarred landscape of massive holes in the ground, dry rivers, poisoned acquifers, collapsed eco-systems and dead coral reefs but on the plus side a healthy stream of donations from the eco-vandals of the mining lobby.

Barmy himself may well say “I’m no Albert Weinstein“, confusing the iconic genius with the Hollywood sexual predator and zimmer frame test pilot, thereby both proving the point and rekindling memories of his past proclivities. He’s declared that after three years in back-bench penury he’s a changed man who does not intend to rejoin his fellow Pepé Le Pew Club members Porter, Tudge and Lamming trawling Canberra’s nightspots looking for knee tremblers behind the coat racks. His new crusade is to fuck the country not his staff.

* * * * *

References:

‘I didn’t sleep for a week’: Catherine Marriott speaks out about alleged sexual harassment by Barnaby Joyce. ABC

Barnaby Joyce spent $675,000 in expenses but less than three weeks on ground while drought envoy. The Guardian.

Barnaby Joyce signed off $80m for Angus Taylor’s old company after zero was paid for same sort of water nearby. Michael West Media.

An outline of #AngusGatesYumpu.com

Matt Canavan’s family obsession with coal. The AFR.

 

This article was originally published on Grumpy Geezer.

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19 comments

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  1. ROY EDWARDS

    BARMY CHOICE………….”It just works….”.

    Wonderful article….it’s just a shame Ronald Chump isn’t still in the White House (but returns in August at gunpoint I hear on the grapevine).Then we could send Barmy Choice over there!.WOW…what a meeting THAT would be.

  2. ajogrady

    Grumpy geezer.

    So many funny but accurate descriptions of our corrupt to the core failed government members but tragically even worse then this is the failure of our democtratic system that so many made the ultimate sacrifice in the belief that democracy would not be gamed to benefit the few.
    Democracy is being gamed by big media and played to benefit big business. If businesses pay large amounts of money to “influencers” to gain advantage over their competition then how much is the influence of the media outlets of Murdoch, 7 and 9 worth to the L/NP? Advertising with these media outlets should be counted as political donations to the L/NP.

  3. Win Jeavons

    ” An apoplectic and an apocalyptic ” l love it!

  4. Henry Rodrigues

    Yes Australia deserves the Barmy bullshitter, how else does Scummo look good in comparison. And the stupid Australian voter will still put all their money on these creeps.

  5. Michael Taylor

    Grumpy, we should bottle you up. 😀

  6. calculus witherspoon.

    The only “tool” I can think of coming out of all this is Joyce.

    But it has been a useful diversion from things that matter like the FTA,

  7. Geoff Andrews

    Grumpy, ya just can’t help yaself, can ya.
    Thank the gods!

  8. Mr Bronte ALLAN

    What a great & true article Grumpy! You have summed up Barmy & Slo Mo to a tee! Sadly we still have to put up with this lying misogynist fucking pair of dopes for some time until the next election. Just hoping that the average Australian voter does not fall for all their crap & lies & votes them back in again! God help us all if this inept, idiotic fcking lying bunch of toads get reelected!

  9. GL

    I see that Bananababy the Insane is already causing chaos for Saint Scotty of the Marketing and he’s only been DPM for about two days. This is going to be fun to follow as more lunacy unfolds.

  10. Geoff Andrews

    The headline for this article could be, “The Nationals have re-fooled” but you’re right GL, it’s going to be fun, particularly for Grumpy.

  11. wam

    barnaby embodies the characteristics that suggest lnp men and women should go to be wearing boxing gloves.
    Surely, regardless of the bandit’s plans, the workers and pensioners will not vote for them again.

  12. libbie123

    so the banned is back – barnyard joke and the village idiots

    singing such gems as

    old king coal
    bridge(t) over troubled rorters
    i still call manila home
    put your right wing in
    i go to rio (tinto)
    i’m dreaming of a white australia policy
    something stupid
    have you ever seen the rain
    down to the river to pray

    and originals

    canavan to nowhere
    make your bed and lie about it
    slo mo(ment) in time

    if it wasn’t so ridiculous, i’d be in tears

  13. GL

    I can’t compete with libbie, but thought I’d throw in three more.

    “Do you hear the dumb Scottando?”
    “Another dope in the hall.”
    “Rodents on the Crawl.”

  14. GL

    Thought of two more:

    “Gina keeps me hangin’ on the telephone.”

    And one for Scotty of the Marketing:

    “I talk to the Twiggy because he’s a donor to me.”

    If they’re terrible it’s because Albo made a speech…

  15. GL

    Christensen is considering the clergy as a career (chances of that occurring is about 1%) :

    “He has told some of his federal colleagues he is considering a career in the clergy after politics.”

    https://www.smh.com.au/politics/federal/barnaby-joyce-hoping-to-persuade-george-christensen-to-remain-in-politics-20210624-p5840x.html

    The only reason, I suspect, Bonkersby wants to try and keep him in parliament is that there is a chance that the seat could go bye-byes without George being there at the next election.

  16. Benjamin

    The Nationals have re-tooled ?

    Don’t they mean, ROOTED by Barnaby ?

  17. New England Cocky

    Now now GG you have overlooked a few matters in this article that really should be exposed for what they are.

    It is common knowledge that Australian political parties only pre-select individuals who can bring in huge amounts of political donations aka ”political bribes” to keep the unelected political hacks who control pre-selection and leadership challenges in the luxurious life-style they believe that they deserve.

    A similar strategy is used by very wealthy people to encourage Feral government policy in their favour. Find a political idiot, publicly pay him $40,000 ”expenses” for being a Kiwi and having to stand in a bye-election, and suddenly all the coal in Queensland is headed for Abbotts Point regardless of environmental damage.

    Remember that Barnyard was dumped upon us poor suffering New England Neanderthals because Bruce Scott (then MP for Maranoa) chose to protect that electorate by deferring his retirement until AFTER the expiry of Barnyard’s tenure in the Senate. So Maranoa got David Little-to-be-proud-of.

    Not wanted in Queensland, Barnyard returned hat in hand to be welcomed in Tamworth by the far right wing White Supremacy misogynists still foaming at the mouth because Tony Windsor (Independent) and Rob Oakeshott had saved Australia from three years of Toxic Rabbit.

    Tamworth is a hotbed of political skulduggery as shown by the campaign against Tony Windsor in the 2016 Kiwi bye-election when Windsor was falsely and unapologetically accused of the the adultery being practiced by Barnyard with his bit of then pregnant fluff. Nice unChristian people these Nazional$.

    But Barnyard is no idiot, he has all the cunning and morals of a sewer rat and now a salary & Parliamentary Allowances Scheme access to insure that his income is secure well into old age.

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