By Grumpy Geezer

Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t there!
He wasn’t there again today,
Oh how I wish he’d go away!

When I came home last night at three,
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall,
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door…

Last night I saw upon the stair,
A little man who wasn’t there,
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away…

(Antigonish, William Hughes Mearns, 1899).

He’s still there Scotty, standing right behind you; those vacant, hooded eyes in that cadaverous countenance are studying your shoulder blades. You’ll feel his fetid breath quicken and sense his arousal as he imagines plunging the shiv. The Prince Of Darkness, in the form of a potato, is getting tetchy.

* * * * *

Herr Kipfler, the dismal Dutton, will not be denied his ultimate prize – the triumph of the dark forces of uniformed goons and hoodlums of his Gestapotato as the absolute political authority with himself as Ubermensch. Not satisfied with effectively being Skidmark Morrison’s number 2 he desperately wants to take his place on the throne*.

(*Sorry, but the poo jokes are too tempting – Skiddy’s early release of a chocolate hostage in Engadine Maccers is just so emblematic of his political style – “I’ll just drop this here and move along”).

And, who knew… his contrived daggy dad routine had literal origins.

Spud-Dutton, the dark lord, is plotting and scheming; testing the mettle of Skiddy the great pretender by publicly opining on subjects that are still, as yet, outside of the broad-reaching netherworld that he’d built for himself when Trembles Turnbull as PM meekly surrendered his balls to the dark side.

Spud on China

Spud is not the ripest legume from the Lib’s veggie patch; he’s a man who thinks the Terracotta Army are soccer supporters from the small Balkans country of Terra Cotia, so when calling out the Chinese in Skiddy’s absence there was no thought given beyond poking the dragon for effect –

• geeing up the winged monkeys of the lunar right by flashing his tough guy credentials to garner commitment to his evolving coup, and
• daring Skiddy to call him out – anything less demonstrates that Morrison is weak and vulnerable.

The crusty-trousered clown from The Shire may have been the winner from the Liberal’s last season of Survivor but his aberrant dedication to trickle-down theocracy, the painting of his farts as rainbows and his arrogant avoidance of accountability will make for a bad look as the next election draws closer and the dupes start to reach for the smirk removal cream.

Surely though the feculence that is Dutton is beyond the pale, even for the Nasties? Howard was abhorrent, Abbott was ludicrous, Morrison is appalling and yet all three were embraced by the lead paint lickers who now dominate their party. Consider a random sample of the trough snorkellers who will be called upon to back the uber tuber – those grifters and gleaners who’re swamping the drain:

Count Yorga impersonator Kevin Andrews – who, upon emerging from his crypt and opening an umbrella has people thinking he’s turning into a bat.

Grecian 2000 poisoning had Kev fancying himself as PM material at one time but his inability to form an image in a mirror or cast a shadow spooks the punters.

Kev could boost Spud’s appeal to the hordes of undead – those wrinkled masses of “where’s my franking credits” fogies who would sell their grandchildren’s future for a discount coupon at the bingo.

Eric Fabio Abetz has given up on his dreams of invading Poland, stripped to the waist on a panzer turret with blonde Aryan locks streaming in the wind as he rushes towards Warsaw. These days Fabio is holed up in Hobart managing his real estate portfolio, peeling oranges in his pocket to avoid sharing and licking his Tony Abbott bicycle seat collection.

The promise of a promotion to Reichsinspekteur of Tasmania could see Fabio endorsing Spud’s pending night of the long knives.

James Paterson. Monty Burns’ love child, little Jimmy yearns for the day when he can grow a toothbrush moustache on his upper lip rather than having to train his emergent pubes into a fuzzy replica.

James would make an excellent apprentice for Spud, striding along the razor wire in black uniform poking the Newstart queues with his riding crop while fondling his sidearm.

This smarmy arse-dandruff is the future of the Nasties? FMD!

Michaelia Cash, with alsatian at her side, snarling and foaming at the mouth (her, not the dog) hauling unionists from their beds, boiling bunnies and foreclosing on orphanages is a nightmare in a trouser suit.

I’ve seen more attractive heads hanging out of a poacher’s pocket. This dunking stool passenger is ugly inside and out and hence an ideal candidate for Spud’s front bench.

Image from YouTube

Anne Ruston. Equipped with a face like a kelpie’s chew toy, a fully functional FMD chromosome and delusions of adequacy, Ruston is yet another bible-toting myopic moron from the Nasty Party book-burners’ club.

This scatologist’s specimen is one more six-fingered bandit who, on $200,000 p.a. + grift, thinks that $40 per day of Newstart is a disincentive to finding work. Ruston would be right at home in a filth-filled, fly-blown garbage skip i.e. any possible Dutton government.

* * * * *

These are but a very few random examples of those who could back Dutton, Beelzebub in sub-human form, to deliver another spill.

Morrison’s new threshold for a leadership change requires two-thirds of the party-room vote to trigger a spill motion, which is a difficult hurdle for Spud to overcome particularly given his Wile E. Coyote-level logistical skills.

However, despite Skiddy Morrison’s pretence that the Nasties are a “united team” they remain a tumult of hatreds, unfulfilled vendettas, venality and ugly ambition.

Skiddy’s daggy dad contrivance is devolving into a bogan-in-Bali national embarrassment, Labor is finally starting to show some mongrel by targeting his weak spots (some may say wet spots) and Morrison’s notionless floundering on any and all issues is becoming too obvious to ignore.

The real intrigue however is what Dutton’s pet spooks may have to use on Morrison and how Dutton may play those cards.

Red Gladys, Chinese Communist Party enthusiast, Liberal member for Chisholm and ASIO person of interest

Prolific fund raiser and poster child of the Chinese Communist Party, Gladys Liu is skilled in the art of hiding in plain sight. With the Lib’s habit of looking the other way when large donations are involved she could’ve rolled up to her preselection in a Chinese tank, the pulped entrails of Tianamen protesters congealed in its tracks, a burning Tibetan flag flapping and a cock & balls drawn on her forehead in day-glo lipstick and the Lib’s would’ve just made sure the cash was banked before validating her parking.

The Libs left it to Gladys to investigate herself on allegations she’s a Chinese government agent of influence and to no-one’s surprise she’s returned a verdict of not guilty.

But Spud’s spook pals will have the full skinny on Glad – some leverage for her vote for a spill perhaps?

Brian Houston, Jesus-R-Us CEO, entrepeneur, financial planner and Skidmark’s BFF

After airing the TV pilot of ScoMo Does Jesus At Horizon Church and Audi Showroom our proselytizing Prime Minister seems to have cooled on that particular maketing initiative, getting surly and evasive when his best bud Brian from Hillsong is mentioned in context of Scotty and Brian’s excellent adventure to Trumpworld.

Dutton knows that Morrison’s bizarre brand of Jesusing and his default to prayer as a viable option for addressing climate change is a troubling dimension to his character. I’m willing to bet that as environmental crises and public discontent builds that Dutton will ramp up the demonising of protesters and dissident oganisations as a dog-whistle to the Nasty’s hardcore climate troglodytes – man of action vs Morrison’s prayerful phaffing.

Burned Spy

This is pure gold. QAnon is a right-wing conspiracy fantasy – QAnon’s central premise is that Donald Trump is secretly working to take down a global ring of elite, cannibalistic, satanic paedophiles.

QAnon is listed on the FBI Domestic Terrorism Watch List and has been associated with 8chan, where many members discussed and celebrated the mass shootings in Texas and in Christchurch.

“One of the bigger QAnon followers in Australia tweets under the handle @BurnedSpy34. He has over 21,000 Twitter followers and tweets QAnon-related thoughts and memes, plus original posts about consciousness. Like many QAnon followers, his political theories are bizarre, sometimes veering into sheer fantasy.”(Newsweek).

@BurnedSpy34 is close family friend of Morrison’s and his wife works on the PM’s staff.

You can bet your left bollock that Spud has mined all the info he can on this guy and will have this prepared as a potential coup de gras for his godly nemesis Scotty.

* * * * *

Dutton won’t want to stand idle as we get closer to another election and his prospect of multiple terms in opposition. He’ll be getting antsy and Morrison will be getting nervous. If you think Morrison is an appallingly incompetent and dodgy PM you’d be right – but should the satanic potato succeed we’ll be truly on a highway to hell.

This article was originally published on The Grumpy Geezer.