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The Antichrist is a potato

By Grumpy Geezer

Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t there!
He wasn’t there again today,
Oh how I wish he’d go away!

When I came home last night at three,
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall,
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door…

Last night I saw upon the stair,
A little man who wasn’t there,
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away…

(Antigonish, William Hughes Mearns, 1899).

He’s still there Scotty, standing right behind you; those vacant, hooded eyes in that cadaverous countenance are studying your shoulder blades. You’ll feel his fetid breath quicken and sense his arousal as he imagines plunging the shiv. The Prince Of Darkness, in the form of a potato, is getting tetchy.

* * * * *

Herr Kipfler, the dismal Dutton, will not be denied his ultimate prize – the triumph of the dark forces of uniformed goons and hoodlums of his Gestapotato as the absolute political authority with himself as Ubermensch. Not satisfied with effectively being Skidmark Morrison’s number 2 he desperately wants to take his place on the throne*.

(*Sorry, but the poo jokes are too tempting – Skiddy’s early release of a chocolate hostage in Engadine Maccers is just so emblematic of his political style – “I’ll just drop this here and move along”).

And, who knew… his contrived daggy dad routine had literal origins.

Spud-Dutton, the dark lord, is plotting and scheming; testing the mettle of Skiddy the great pretender by publicly opining on subjects that are still, as yet, outside of the broad-reaching netherworld that he’d built for himself when Trembles Turnbull as PM meekly surrendered his balls to the dark side.

Spud on China

Spud is not the ripest legume from the Lib’s veggie patch; he’s a man who thinks the Terracotta Army are soccer supporters from the small Balkans country of Terra Cotia, so when calling out the Chinese in Skiddy’s absence there was no thought given beyond poking the dragon for effect –

  • geeing up the winged monkeys of the lunar right by flashing his tough guy credentials to garner commitment to his evolving coup, and
  • daring Skiddy to call him out – anything less demonstrates that Morrison is weak and vulnerable.

The crusty-trousered clown from The Shire may have been the winner from the Liberal’s last season of Survivor but his aberrant dedication to trickle-down theocracy, the painting of his farts as rainbows and his arrogant avoidance of accountability will make for a bad look as the next election draws closer and the dupes start to reach for the smirk removal cream.

Surely though the feculence that is Dutton is beyond the pale, even for the Nasties? Howard was abhorrent, Abbott was ludicrous, Morrison is appalling and yet all three were embraced by the lead paint lickers who now dominate their party. Consider a random sample of the trough snorkellers who will be called upon to back the uber tuber – those grifters and gleaners who’re swamping the drain:

Count Yorga impersonator Kevin Andrews – who, upon emerging from his crypt and opening an umbrella has people thinking he’s turning into a bat.

Grecian 2000 poisoning had Kev fancying himself as PM material at one time but his inability to form an image in a mirror or cast a shadow spooks the punters.

Kev could boost Spud’s appeal to the hordes of undead – those wrinkled masses of “where’s my franking credits” fogies who would sell their grandchildren’s future for a discount coupon at the bingo.

Eric Fabio Abetz has given up on his dreams of invading Poland, stripped to the waist on a panzer turret with blonde Aryan locks streaming in the wind as he rushes towards Warsaw. These days Fabio is holed up in Hobart managing his real estate portfolio, peeling oranges in his pocket to avoid sharing and licking his Tony Abbott bicycle seat collection.

The promise of a promotion to Reichsinspekteur of Tasmania could see Fabio endorsing Spud’s pending night of the long knives.

James Paterson. Monty Burns’ love child, little Jimmy yearns for the day when he can grow a toothbrush moustache on his upper lip rather than having to train his emergent pubes into a fuzzy replica.

James would make an excellent apprentice for Spud, striding along the razor wire in black uniform poking the Newstart queues with his riding crop while fondling his sidearm.

This smarmy arse-dandruff is the future of the Nasties? FMD!

Michaelia Cash, with alsatian at her side, snarling and foaming at the mouth (her, not the dog) hauling unionists from their beds, boiling bunnies and foreclosing on orphanages is a nightmare in a trouser suit.

I’ve seen more attractive heads hanging out of a poacher’s pocket. This dunking stool passenger is ugly inside and out and hence an ideal candidate for Spud’s front bench.

Image from YouTube

Anne Ruston. Equipped with a face like a kelpie’s chew toy, a fully functional FMD chromosome and delusions of adequacy, Ruston is yet another bible-toting myopic moron from the Nasty Party book-burners’ club.

This scatologist’s specimen is one more six-fingered bandit who, on $200,000 p.a. + grift, thinks that $40 per day of Newstart is a disincentive to finding work. Ruston would be right at home in a filth-filled, fly-blown garbage skip i.e. any possible Dutton government.

* * * * *

These are but a very few random examples of those who could back Dutton, Beelzebub in sub-human form, to deliver another spill.

Morrison’s new threshold for a leadership change requires two-thirds of the party-room vote to trigger a spill motion, which is a difficult hurdle for Spud to overcome particularly given his Wile E. Coyote-level logistical skills.

However, despite Skiddy Morrison’s pretence that the Nasties are a “united team” they remain a tumult of hatreds, unfulfilled vendettas, venality and ugly ambition.

Skiddy’s daggy dad contrivance is devolving into a bogan-in-Bali national embarrassment, Labor is finally starting to show some mongrel by targeting his weak spots (some may say wet spots) and Morrison’s notionless floundering on any and all issues is becoming too obvious to ignore.

The real intrigue however is what Dutton’s pet spooks may have to use on Morrison and how Dutton may play those cards.

Red Gladys, Chinese Communist Party enthusiast, Liberal member for Chisholm and ASIO person of interest

Prolific fund raiser and poster child of the Chinese Communist Party, Gladys Liu is skilled in the art of hiding in plain sight. With the Lib’s habit of looking the other way when large donations are involved she could’ve rolled up to her preselection in a Chinese tank, the pulped entrails of Tianamen protesters congealed in its tracks, a burning Tibetan flag flapping and a cock & balls drawn on her forehead in day-glo lipstick and the Lib’s would’ve just made sure the cash was banked before validating her parking.

The Libs left it to Gladys to investigate herself on allegations she’s a Chinese government agent of influence and to no-one’s surprise she’s returned a verdict of not guilty.

But Spud’s spook pals will have the full skinny on Glad – some leverage for her vote for a spill perhaps?

Brian Houston, Jesus-R-Us CEO, entrepeneur, financial planner and Skidmark’s BFF

After airing the TV pilot of ScoMo Does Jesus At Horizon Church and Audi Showroom our proselytizing Prime Minister seems to have cooled on that particular maketing initiative, getting surly and evasive when his best bud Brian from Hillsong is mentioned in context of Scotty and Brian’s excellent adventure to Trumpworld.

Dutton knows that Morrison’s bizarre brand of Jesusing and his default to prayer as a viable option for addressing climate change is a troubling dimension to his character. I’m willing to bet that as environmental crises and public discontent builds that Dutton will ramp up the demonising of protesters and dissident oganisations as a dog-whistle to the Nasty’s hardcore climate troglodytes – man of action vs Morrison’s prayerful phaffing.

Burned Spy

This is pure gold. QAnon is a right-wing conspiracy fantasy – QAnon’s central premise is that Donald Trump is secretly working to take down a global ring of elite, cannibalistic, satanic paedophiles.

QAnon is listed on the FBI Domestic Terrorism Watch List and has been associated with 8chan, where many members discussed and celebrated the mass shootings in Texas and in Christchurch.

“One of the bigger QAnon followers in Australia tweets under the handle @BurnedSpy34. He has over 21,000 Twitter followers and tweets QAnon-related thoughts and memes, plus original posts about consciousness. Like many QAnon followers, his political theories are bizarre, sometimes veering into sheer fantasy.”(Newsweek).

@BurnedSpy34 is close family friend of Morrison’s and his wife works on the PM’s staff.

You can bet your left bollock that Spud has mined all the info he can on this guy and will have this prepared as a potential coup de gras for his godly nemesis Scotty.

* * * * *

Dutton won’t want to stand idle as we get closer to another election and his prospect of multiple terms in opposition. He’ll be getting antsy and Morrison will be getting nervous. If you think Morrison is an appallingly incompetent and dodgy PM you’d be right – but should the satanic potato succeed we’ll be truly on a highway to hell.


This article was originally published on The Grumpy Geezer.

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  1. Keitha Granville

    My goodness GG don’t hold back 😛

    love your work

  2. Baby Jewels

    Sadly, upon the news this morning, that 60% of Australians, according to the Essential Poll, are happy with the performance of both parties, I dont think any of this matters a fig. I think we’re well beyond hope.

  3. Grumpy Geezer

    I restrained myself Keitha.

  4. Roswell

    Grumpy, you’re my kinda guy.

  5. MikeW

    Hilarious but so true, your best yet Grumpy.

  6. Roswell

    Grumpy, how did you make Dutton’s eyes to move like that? Very clever.

    (For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, stare at Dutton’s eyes – the photo below M. Cash).

  7. Zathras

    Come on Grumpy, don’t hold back. Tell us what you REALLY think.


  8. David Paull

    Glorious stuff Grumpy, thank you.

  9. Kathryn

    Love it! Grumpy, you’ve got the Dud Spud pegged! I thought you went rather easy on that disreputable, demonic, malevolent psychopath but, hey, it’s getting close to Christmas and I guess you’re in a charitable mood. Let me know when you’re ready to give this nauseating piece of human waste a really hard time, darling! Lol. xxx

  10. Grumpy Geezer

    Roswell, that’s an animated gif i found on the interwebs at (free use).

  11. Wobbley

    Now Grumpy, if can only convince those gutless sicaphants in the labor party to go a bit more mongrel and chase that gotcha moment that the msm seem unwilling to do we might have a chance, and by the way calling a spade a spade as you do I will continue my undying support for people such as your good self to rid this country of the blatant fascist rabble that call themselves a government.

  12. New England Cocky

    Uhm … “Spud is not the ripest legume from the Lib’s veggie patch” … it is scientifically incorrect to call a potato a legume. Legumes are useful fixers of nitrogen in the soil while potatoes are a member of Solonaceae which includes many poisonous plants.

    But that minor point aside GG ….. are you sure you have got all that off your chest? Bit unfair describing those politicians as perceived so accurately by Australian voters. And I thought I was cynical!!!!!

  13. Grumpy Geezer

    Go with the flow Cocky – feel the vibe.

  14. Henry Rodrigues

    Grumpy….. You’re insights and oversights are invaluable and very entertaining too. Thanks for a great read. Just don’t hold back………….

  15. Jon Chesterson

    Grumpy Geezer – Love your metaphor and choice of poem, love your satire and your article – Magnificent! When the truth unveils itself this way, you’d hardly recognise it at a glance for rolling around on the floor in fits of bellicose laughter frothing at the mouth, lost somewhere between anger and shame.

    Allow me my little indulgence with ‘Monster for Home ‘n ‘Inhuman’ Affairs (Song of the Deadz)’ to make the Owl and Pussy scream…

    Middle verse –

    Billy-goat-bellyache scowl of an alley cat,
    spud on a broomstick what a galah!
    Rat on the razzle with a muzzle of gat
    stalking th’ deadz like a ‘straylian tzar.
    Billy-goat-bellyache cactus on sand,
    land where the billabong hangs from a gum tree;
    what desert can ever be flatter than that
    but cheap-as mutton-heads ‘deadz to me’
    deadz to me
    deadz to me!
    What a mutton-head dutton you are!

    AB, March 2018

    For the other two verses click here:–Song-of-the-Deadz–by-Barddylbach

    We must never give up the fight against the antichrist, whether we believe in anything or not. What isn’t there may otherwise never go away and what needs to be will never grace our fair shores – although I’ve heard we are rapidly losing that battle too.

  16. Paddy Pledger

    What is wrong with these kind of so called human beings, this crikey idiocy, don’t they know their Living in the best place in the world, yeah maybe Abbott and Morrison aren’t perfect but what a mess we’d have if grumpy and his cohorts were in charge. These left wing dills, never satisfied it’s always somebody else’s fault.poor excuse for human beings.

  17. Grumpy Geezer

    Ah, Paddy Pledger, a dissenting opinion. I’m ever hopeful that right-wingers will bite when the AIMN is kind enough to publish one of my rants and am ever ready to consider thoughtful or amusing views from the darkside. More work required there Paddy, but take some comfort in the knowledge that thoughtfulness and humour are never characteristics of the right so you’re not on your own.

    Living in the best place in the world? I agree, but no, i am never satisfied when we have regressive governments that have seen us sliding backwards by all meaningful measures of national well-being.

    You keep being a “quiet Australian” Paddy – live your life in a deluded bubble where all is fine. And cheer up – if Spud or his ilk ever gain full control then people like me will be confined in a gulag from where you need never hear from us again.

    You’re ScumMo’s kinda peeps.

    (“crikey” idiocy? Do you mean cranky? I’m OK with that.)

  18. Kaye Lee

    Paddy Pledger,

    “it’s always somebody else’s fault.”

    Josh Frydenberg: “by paying down Labor’s debt we help build the buffers to guard against future economic shocks.”

    The net debt of the General Government sector was $161,253 million at 31 August 2013. As at 31 August 2019, net debt is $399,059 million

  19. Grumpy Geezer

    Kaye Lee, after 6 and a half years “Labor, Labor, Labor” on every issue.

    But let’s not take the mickey.

  20. Kaye Lee

    Scott Morrison: “How on earth can the Leader of the Opposition, and I will call him the leader of the opposition, because I’ve yet to find something he doesn’t oppose, Mr Speaker, he opposed us for tax relief for Australians, he opposed us for security measures and now he opposes us for drought relief for farmers.”

    Well, actually, each one of those charges doesn’t stand up beyond the headline….but hey, when you have nothing to say, you have to deflect attention by pointing at someone else – if it isn’t Labor, it’s “global headwinds” or unions or bleeding heart doctors or ecoterrorist children or drug-taking gambling alcoholic Newstart recipients (a mighty feat on $40 a day).

    We are in a per capita recession but that’s probably our fault for having too many heads.

  21. Grumpy Geezer

    Paddy’s inspired me to start drafting some more invective.

    Cheers Paddy.

  22. Phil

    Anyone thinking Albanese is anything but a waffling fool, can kiss my lefty arse.

  23. Kaye Lee

    I don’t think Albanese is a fool but I am heartily sick of him telling me how well he gets on with everyone. Bully for you as my mum would have said. It is not translating into good policy or good alternatives.

  24. wam

    There are so many lnp twits with rust on their ideas that wd40 would have no effect making it difficult for allbo to choose a drip to splash on the box. But come on albo try??
    Kevin bloody Andrews is my spurned buy for Albo. Remind us how the rabbott with help from the left extremists doubled the debt? Don’t forget to tell us that labor kept the AAA rating in the crisis.

    chamberlain waved a bit of paper for peace but trump waves a tweet. I love him he is currently the worst thing to happen to the earth

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