A five year old boy passed on the record of conversation between the Prime Minister and Peter Dutton. While some are claiming that this is inaccurate, my sources tell me that it’s completely accurate and anyone who is saying something different doesn’t have the facts. I have the facts, and they’re not alternate facts they’re actual facts according to people who’ve told me that this is what happened and anybody saying anything different shouldn’t be taken too seriously because I have senior people and I once knew someone who lived in Canberra. In fact, I have relatives in Canberra and they haven’t told me that this is a complete fabrication. Neither have they denied that there was a five year old boy in the room with Malcom and Peter. The five year old boy is the one who took notes and it’s from these notes that I have pieced together the conversation between them.
Malcolm: Ah Peter, I want to ask you about the recent disturbance on Insiders. You repeated your claim that a 5-year-old boy was led away by three asylum seekers and that caused the mood to elevate quite quickly. Now, that’s not true, is it?
Peter: Of course, it is true.
Malcom: It’s not true.
Peter: It is true. It’s perfectly true that I made that claim.
Malcolm: But the claim itself isn’t true. Who gave you this information?
Peter: Can’t remember.
Malcolm: You can’t remember. That’s not good enough.
Peter: Well, it worked for Arthur.
Malcolm: But just about everybody who’s speaking publicly is denying it. How are you going to back up your claim?
Peter: Easy. We’ll say that the true version is an operational matter and, as such, nobody is allowed to say anything about it and it’s only those without actual information can speak to the media because to tell anybody what’s happening breaks several laws.
Malcolm: Do you really think anyone would buy that?
Peter: It’s worked so far.
Malcolm: I’m sorry, I just can’t let you go on as Immigration Minister.
Peter: Oh, you’re stepping down so I can be PM?
Malcolm: No. You were a disaster as Health Minister and if anybody took the time to examine your record, they’d realise you were even worse in your current role…
Peter: Well, I might as well be PM then…
Malcolm: I’m not going to make you PM.
Peter: I’ve heard you don’t want the job any more.
Malcolm: Who told you that? Of course I still want the job!
Peter: Not according to my information. My sources say you couldn’t possibly be doing this badly unless it was a deliberate attempt to get dumped so you could go on world cruise with Lucy.
Malcolm: That’s just not true.
Peter: Now, who are you going to believe? Me, or some Twitter version.
Malcolm: Twitter version? What are you on about?
Peter: Hang on… Oh, I’m getting a text. It says that you’ve sacked me.
Malcolm: No, I didn’t.
Peter: I’m calling a press conference where I tell everybody that you’ve lost the confidence of the Party and I’m throwing my support behind a spill but I won’t be standing.
Malcolm: You’re what?
Peter: That’s what the text says.
Malcolm: But you’ve been doing the numbers for the past six months.
Peter: Yes… I’m a bit confused about that one. Oh, the text says that when Tony stands, I’ll have a change of heart and offer myself as the moderate candidate for the good of the party.
Malcolm: Who’s this text from?
Peter: My source on Manus.
Malcolm: Your source on Manus?
Peter: Yeah, the one who’s in Canberra counting the numbers.
Malcolm: Your Manus source is in Canberra?
Peter: Yeah, well, you wouldn’t expect anyone who’s actually on the island to have any idea of what was going on, would you?
Malcolm: Peter, I’d really like you to stay on us Immigration Minister.
Peter: But what will I say at the press conference?
Malcolm: You don’t need to say anything. You don’t even need to have a press conference. I’m not sacking you.
Peter: Ok, I’ll just say something about how you have my full support and that I have no intention of challenging you.
Malcolm: You bastard! You know that’s exactly how I launched my challenge.
At this point the notes stop because the five year old taking them decided that he needed a nap.