Hi, here’s my report of the past few days. I’m hoping to be made the Politics editor because there seems to be a vacuum.
Snippets from Parliament:
Prime Minister’s Office
“Mr Prime Minister, you know that the March is on Monday, don’t you?”
“Of course, it’s been March for over a week now.”
“No, sir, I mean that women will be marching on Parliament next Monday. It’s been all over the media…”
“I’m a busy man, I don’t have time to read things.”
“Yes, but I think you need to work out a strategy.”
“Ok, could someone put out a press release saying I understand because my wife is a woman and she’s lonely, so I completely understand what women are like?”
“We’ve already done the ‘Jen is lonely’ bit, so I think you’ll need to actually do something like meet them.”
“But I can’t do that?”
“Well, I’m the PM and they’re protesters. Don’t they understand that it isn’t safe?”
“I think that’s why they’re marching. They don’t feel safe and they feel that we haven’t effectively dealt with these recent allegations.”
“Didn’t we manage to discredit the people making them with some carefully worded articles and friendly media allies?”
“Yes, but I think there’s a bit of a mixed message when you say that Brittany isn’t credible when she tells people that we’re trying to undermine her.”
“So, what do you suggest? Should I get Jen and the girls to go and play in the cubby house as a distraction.”
“Sorry, but the cubby house isn’t big enough. It couldn’t even fit all the WA Liberal MPs. No, you probably need to meet them. Look, if you’re worried about being booed, invite a delegation to the office.”
“But they’re women. I don’t invite women into the office unless they’re working for me or making the tea.”
“Yes, but it’d be a good look. You could offer them some sort of job like reading the report we got last year and doing a report on which bits of the report they’d recommend that we look at with a view to implementing after we’ve dealt with the vaccine rollout out because that’s our number one priority and this report is our number two.”
“What’s our number three?”
“Doesn’t matter. Once you get past one and two the media will just distract them with a story about which member of the Royal Family said something racist and how they all reject accusations of racism because it’s only foreigners saying it.”
“Great send out the invitations and I’ll get someone to make some scones. I guess, as Minister for Women, Marise should be there, so she can make the scones.”
- * *
Corridors of Parliament. Jane Hume stops Janine Hendry.
Jane: I do hope you take up the Prime Minister’s offer to meet with him in his office.
Janine: Yes, ok.
Jane: I mean, it’s a great offer. He only invites important people there like overseas leaders and members of the Swinging Club. I’ve been here for ages and the only time he invited me was to tell me that he thought that I needed to work harder if I wanted to be a minister. I was going to tell him that I already was, but he’s a busy man and it was such an honour that I just stood there nodding… which is the main role of a minister these days. So promise me you’ll go. It’s one of the highest honours this nation can bestow… I made the mistake of curtsying when I went but apparently, a simple bow of the head is the normal protocol… Oh, and don’t forget to take a plate because apparently, Senator Payne says she doesn’t have a recipe for scones and won’t be at the meeting.
- * *
“Mr Morrison, the women have declined your invitation for a delegation and they want you to meet with all of them.”
“Don’t they realise that I’m a busy man?”
“I’m sure that they do, but they said that it wasn’t enough to meet with a delegation. Something about all or nothing.”
“Honestly., don’t they realise how lucky they are? Should we point out how rarely people are invited into Parliamentary offices?”
“Um, I’m not sure that’s a wise choice at the moment. Anyway, perhaps you can acknowledge them in Parliament and say how great it is that they feel they can protest safely. That sort of undercuts their message about not feeling safe.”
“Great idea. I can point out how they’re lucky that they’re not being beaten with clubs or shot and that I’m the sort of empathetic leader who just ignores them.”
- * *
“I’d just like to point out that it’s not just the ten minutes listening to their speeches. We’d have to walk over there and that takes six or seven minutes and we’re busy people. I mean, some of these women have spent hours getting here, so you can’t tell me they don’t have time on their hands and can’t walk a few steps to the PM’s office.”
- * *
The Parliamentary Flaw
Morrison: “Isn’t it just great that women can bring their concerns to us here where we can show how much we respect them. When Jen says something critical of me I also responded by pointing out how lucky she is to have a man like me when plenty of other men refuse to build chook sheds because of their job but I say what could be a greater priority. Similarly, how good is Australia when you can march and nobody shoots you?”
- * *
Ok, I think I got most of it. I’m writing it from memory so I may not have it one hundred percent accurate but like I said, I am auditioning for Peter Van Onselen’s role writing for “The Australian” so accuracy isn’t really needed…
Whoops, is that defamatory? Or do you have to actually diminish someone’s reputation which PvO has already done that himself?
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