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Rossleigh’s Easter Message!

Ok, I was going to get my wife to help but she said that she had better things to do and the dog wouldn’t sit still and I wasn’t sure how much Valium to give it so that it would be placid like Scotty’s dog, so I’ve just decided to say have a good Easter… 

Meanwhile, in case you missed the message from our fearless leader, I’ve enclosed a transcript. This is entirely from memory, so I may have the odd misplaced word or sentence:

Scotty and Jen:

Happy Easter, Australia.

Scotty:

Easter is a very special time where people all over Australia are coming together in ways that they haven’t been able to do over the past year and I’m not referring to desks here. No, I’m referring to the idea that families and friends can come out from under the doona and start spending money again.

It’s a particularly special time for Christians of all faiths and we all need to stop and consider the significance of this time when Jesus forgave his tormentors and encouraged forgiveness and I think it would help if we all did likewise and stopped picking on Liberal MPs just because they made a few mistakes like overspending taxpayers’ money and hiding in bushes and other things that may result in defamation action were I to list them.

At times like this, I remember how Jesus threw the money lenders out of the temple because he only wanted prosperous people going to services and the money lenders enabled the poor to borrow enough to afford to pay the admission price of a ticket to Heaven.

Of course, not everyone celebrating Easter with their loved ones will be familiar with the true meaning of the occasion which is a shame because they’ll all burn in Hell, but let’s not bring politics into what should be a day for joy after those silly lockdowns that stopped us all going to the football. Thankfully now the footy’s back and we can concentrate on what’s really important.

And speaking of sinners burning in Hell, we shouldn’t forget all those affected by the terrible floods. Jen and I were fortunate enough to meet several of them and use them for great photo opportunities. I remember Jen whispering to me that I should forget about chicken coops and cubbies and start on the Ark. We had a great laugh about that.

To the women of Australia, I have this message: I have listened and I have responded. I’ve given the Minister for Women a big promotion and I’ve given her an assistant. You could say that Marise needed Amanda Stoker but don’t say that out loud or you’ll sound like Moe answering the phone in a Simpson’s episode. Anyway, I’ve established a task force of ladies to have a bit of a natter and read some report about helping combat harassment which apparently we’ve had for quite a while. It’s their job to stop  all those women problems that I’ve become aware such as women feeling like their voices aren’t heard just because we didn’t actually read the report.

To show just how enlightened I’ve become.I’ve even decided to let Jen say a few words.

Jen:

I’m particularly looking forward to spending time with my family because that’s what real women do. And our daughters are getting older which is really something quite amazing because I didn’t realise that would happen, but even though they’re older and refusing to appear in this video, they’re still looking forward to searching for chocolates which they do every year, but this year we thought we’d give them a special treat by actually providing them with some.

Scotty:

They’ll appreciate that. And whoever you are or wherever you are, stay safe and take care and remember that loving others as you love yourself is one of the great Australian values of mateship, so look after each other just as we look after our mates like Gerry Harvey and Solomon Lew.

Happy Easter, everyone.

Jen:

Can we get this stinking animal of my lap and send it back to its owner now?

Scotty:

Just cut that last bit out.

Jen:

They’ve stopped filming, it’s all right.

Scotty:

Are you sure? I don’t want another open mike incident like those idiots Abbott and Dutton had in New Guinea.

Like I said, it’s all from memory but I think I got the gist of it.

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13 comments

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  1. Phil Pryor

    “Gerry and Solly, so slow and dumb, told Austtralia, “up your bumb!” we got the cash and we’re keeping it too, so taxpayer suckers, toodle oo!” It’s a merry old Easter when you pocket gifts and still earn heaps. Bugger those pesky poor, whining about germs, jobs, rents, hunger. Get a business, get government friends, get support, pay up, share the loot, buy racehorses, and GRIN as a winner should. These days the old sinecures, bribery, corruption, inducements, mates in high places, all this is very sophisticated. It’s a lucky country if you rig the race and get your bets on how you can…

  2. Josephus

    A horribly brilliant satire as usual. I wish street theatre enacted your scripts Rossleigh . In front of parliament, in theatres and in shopping malls.
    Satire exposes as nothing else can, cf Dean Swift or Voltaire.
    Can you approach a few out of work actors? We could crowd fund them.
    Satire can bring down governments .

  3. Kronomex

    When JC got to heaven he sought out the Big G, “Look Dad, I knew you were going to resurrect me but do you know how embarrassing it was to float up here looking like a circus tent lying on its side. Next time do you think you skip that part of me at least until I get here?”

  4. Kronomex

    Oh yes, forgot to mention that you, or anyone else of a religious bent, find the above offensive then by all means delete it but I’m not apologising for having a strange turn of thought.

  5. Terence Mills

    Nicely put !

    I’ve had a feeling of unease this Easter, almost as though some malignant force is lurking behind my garden shed and looking for opportunities to inflict evil on our small family unit.

    I saw a Dracula movie recently where Dracula was shipped from Transylvania to New York, in a coffin, in the hold of a ship : I noted that he escaped quarantine on arrival in New York which was odd.

    My own feeling of unease may have been influenced but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was until I read that the Murdoch executive jet with Lachlan onboard had flown into Sydney, skipping hotel quarantine with a ‘rich-guys’ special dispensation and then off to the Murdoch country seat, Cavan outside Yass. Where the heir apparent would undoubtedly be scheming more ways to inflict pain and humiliation on the long suffering media consumers of this wide brown – and somewhat soggy in parts – land.

    I have no doubt that Lachlan will be trying to secure his Sky foothold in free to air television which is scheduled to come to an end in July after WIN and Nine Entertainment came to an agreement on regional broadcasting to drop the marginal Sky offering – Sky After Dark (SAD) beamed into unsuspecting regional households which had previously been immune to the rantings of Andrew Bolt, Paul Murray, Peta Credlin and Alan Jones et al unless they had a Foxtel subscription.

    Already word has come out from Newscorp that they will stop delivering newspapers to newsagents in various areas of Western and Northern Queensland so the pensioners who have relished catching up on the footy through reports in the Courier Mail will from September have to take an online subscription – as if !

    You can bet London to a brick that whatever comes of young Murdoch’s visit it will be to the benefit Newscorp and the Liberal National coalition but not necessarily the Australian public.

    I wonder what else he has in store for us !

  6. Roswell

    Rossleigh, if you couldn’t get the dog to keep still you should have done what Scotty would do: have a life-size cardboard cut-out as a prop.

    And why stop at dogs? Did you not think to add in a monkey, a blue whale, a giraffe, a T-Rex or a dozen yabbies?

    Sloppy. I expected better. 😁

  7. Gangey1959

    Go Cowboys. I’ll just bet that our beloved dealer just has to drag his sorry arse to the footy again, because after all it is an easter tradition that goes back at least ten minutes and out pet happy clapper is all for traditionwith traditional things like women should be seen and not heard or even better not seen either cos they are scary when they are pissed off like when scotty messed up with the rooster shed and forgot the egg bit, and the footy is a tradition and even when the sharks broke tradition by winning the grand final back in 2016 that was just a once in a century disaster and won’t happen again in our lifetimes and if the Cowboys win scotty will have to go and visit the winning team cos that is a tradition that he started last weekend when he went to have a beer after the match with the winners who wern’t his team but were the eels who play for a different part of Sydney and have different colours and now the sharks are sad because scotty doesn’t love them as much cos they let him down by making announcements about winning before the start of the game and then just not delivering by a massive margin, just like he lets Australia down with things like the vacine rollout, or bushfire relief, or the nbn, or (fuck my brain hurts), or rorting sports and other public money……. which is also either a tradition, or a trend, I’m not really sure nor do I care, but anyway if the Cowboys win scotty will not only have to maintain tradition but also accept that once again a Queensland team has been better than his outfit and Annastacia will have a field day, and marone is just not scotty’s colour so the photo-ops will look awful.

    Have a great easter everyone.

  8. king1394

    I ignored your advice and read the line about Marise needing Amanda Stoker aloud, and I am still snickering.

  9. Wam

    Don’t think Mary let Jesus in without a
    ‘tut tut who’s a naughty boy then kissing Judas??? Serves you right!! The Romans are not Greeks you know an the Jews may have curly side locks but are violently straight.

    ps Waltz they missed the bat but let the empty coffin through and confiscated the stake and garlic

  10. David Tyler

    Good one, Rossleigh. Love it. Agree pretty sure it was not the Morrison’s dog. Had the feeling it was Jenny’s friend’s. Just eaten his mate’s stash of weed. Jen had a bit, too. Note the way she mechanically strokes it. Is not happy to be part of this ProMo. In fact without being a body language expert, I’d say he’s in trouble.

    Love the bit where Morrison quickly pulls rank and tells how special Easter is to religious people (like himself) and not just another bloody holiday where the pub isn’t open. Overall I was struck by how sanctimonious and insincere he appears. How trite his message, as you brilliantly satirise. And how he’s quite happy to put Jen through the whole ordeal of selling his message. Which never varies. Look at moi! How good is being PM?

  11. Josephus

    We need more nurses so why doesn’t Jen apply as many have?

  12. Max Gross

    Pretty sure you got the lot, Ross. Verbatim!

  13. Canguro

    @Rossleigh Brisbane,

    I see the feckless fool made reference to some bloke hiding in the bushes and making a nuisance of himself. I think he may have been referring to that Lemming fellow, the (once was) good Member for the Mosquito Coast on the southside of Brisbun. I’ve got a few concerns about Andy Lemming. He seems to be a touch off-kilter, what we once used to call a bit of a loony… hiding in bushes and taking candid snaps of those his inflamed meninges inform are out to get him… I’m wondering if he’s got a wall full of snaps back at the taxpayer-funded apartment of the enemies that lurk below his everyday persona, linked bits of woolen thread tieing together this one and that; their ages, occupations, Facebook links & friends, what coffee shops they frequent, where the kiddies go to school and so on, a one-man ASIO op doing his best for Orstrayla, and possibly fueled by a steady diet of illicit chemicals…

    I’ve known blokes like him – get a degree that gives you steady access to the heavy pills and go for it – I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s on the goey and the ice-pipe and a bit of Mexican dancing powder to wash it all down – he has that sweaty furtive look a a man possessed by inner demons and a relentless need to keep the treadmills of the mind turning at top speed and to hell with the paranoia.

    Gotta wonder though, about a man who on the taxpayers’ dollar feels it necessary to set up thirty-three dozen separate Facebook pages all purporting to be individual efforts of the said 33 dozen different folk (who just happened to share, funnily enough, the same lexical behaviours in their postings), Good on the Guardian for springing the Lemming and shining a torch down his burrow… pity the Feckless Wonder doesn’t read, or he might think twice about his unconditional endorsement of the Man over the Cliff and his foul play.

    And speaking of foul play, a pox on both their (foul) houses.

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