Ok, I was going to get my wife to help but she said that she had better things to do and the dog wouldn’t sit still and I wasn’t sure how much Valium to give it so that it would be placid like Scotty’s dog, so I’ve just decided to say have a good Easter…
Meanwhile, in case you missed the message from our fearless leader, I’ve enclosed a transcript. This is entirely from memory, so I may have the odd misplaced word or sentence:
Scotty and Jen:
Happy Easter, Australia.
Easter is a very special time where people all over Australia are coming together in ways that they haven’t been able to do over the past year and I’m not referring to desks here. No, I’m referring to the idea that families and friends can come out from under the doona and start spending money again.
It’s a particularly special time for Christians of all faiths and we all need to stop and consider the significance of this time when Jesus forgave his tormentors and encouraged forgiveness and I think it would help if we all did likewise and stopped picking on Liberal MPs just because they made a few mistakes like overspending taxpayers’ money and hiding in bushes and other things that may result in defamation action were I to list them.
At times like this, I remember how Jesus threw the money lenders out of the temple because he only wanted prosperous people going to services and the money lenders enabled the poor to borrow enough to afford to pay the admission price of a ticket to Heaven.
Of course, not everyone celebrating Easter with their loved ones will be familiar with the true meaning of the occasion which is a shame because they’ll all burn in Hell, but let’s not bring politics into what should be a day for joy after those silly lockdowns that stopped us all going to the football. Thankfully now the footy’s back and we can concentrate on what’s really important.
And speaking of sinners burning in Hell, we shouldn’t forget all those affected by the terrible floods. Jen and I were fortunate enough to meet several of them and use them for great photo opportunities. I remember Jen whispering to me that I should forget about chicken coops and cubbies and start on the Ark. We had a great laugh about that.
To the women of Australia, I have this message: I have listened and I have responded. I’ve given the Minister for Women a big promotion and I’ve given her an assistant. You could say that Marise needed Amanda Stoker but don’t say that out loud or you’ll sound like Moe answering the phone in a Simpson’s episode. Anyway, I’ve established a task force of ladies to have a bit of a natter and read some report about helping combat harassment which apparently we’ve had for quite a while. It’s their job to stop all those women problems that I’ve become aware such as women feeling like their voices aren’t heard just because we didn’t actually read the report.
To show just how enlightened I’ve become.I’ve even decided to let Jen say a few words.
I’m particularly looking forward to spending time with my family because that’s what real women do. And our daughters are getting older which is really something quite amazing because I didn’t realise that would happen, but even though they’re older and refusing to appear in this video, they’re still looking forward to searching for chocolates which they do every year, but this year we thought we’d give them a special treat by actually providing them with some.
They’ll appreciate that. And whoever you are or wherever you are, stay safe and take care and remember that loving others as you love yourself is one of the great Australian values of mateship, so look after each other just as we look after our mates like Gerry Harvey and Solomon Lew.
Happy Easter, everyone.
Can we get this stinking animal of my lap and send it back to its owner now?
Just cut that last bit out.
They’ve stopped filming, it’s all right.
Are you sure? I don’t want another open mike incident like those idiots Abbott and Dutton had in New Guinea.
Like I said, it’s all from memory but I think I got the gist of it.
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