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Joe Hockey’s Financial Advice, And Why I Need Your Help To Follow It!

A lonely Joe Hockey (image from canberratimes.com.au)

A lonely Joe Hockey (image from canberratimes.com.au)

“I say to the Australian people directly, now is the time to borrow and invest,” said Joe Hockey.

Well, I went to the bank yesterday, in an attempt to do what the Treasurer said, and unfortunately the conversation went something like this:

Me – Hi, I’m here to borrow and invest.

Bank Person (who, hereafter will be refered to as BP, which may confuse some older Scouts) – Invest in what?

Me – I don’t know. Mr Hockey wasn’t all that clear on that.

BP – So let’s get a few of your details, what’s your name?

Me – Oh, do I have to give personal information. Isn’t that against privacy laws?

BP – Yes, before we lend you any money we need to…

Me – This is already harder than Joe Hockey made it sound.

(Ok, I’ll spare you the details of my name, etc. Let’s cut to next important question…)

BP – Income?

Me – Yes, that’s what I’m hoping for from my investment.

BP – What’s your current income?

Me – My super gives me about $12,000 a year. It’s the low interest rates and when Labor get in, I’ll be screwed because they want to tax people earning more than $75,000 from their super. That’s why I want to borrow and invest…

BP – You can’t borrow with that sort of income! How would you ever pay it back?

Me – Well, my wife has quite a good job. She pays more in tax than I earn.

BP – Well, we might be able to give her a loan.

Me – She doesn’t want one. She’s happy with what she earns. It’s me that needs to invest!

BP – I really don’t see how we can lend you any money, Mr Brisbane. You don’t have enough income.

Me – But I will once you lend me the money. Interest rates are so low that I need to borrow and invest. I mean that was what the Treasurer told me and he’s the man, when it comes to financial matters in this country.

BP – You don’t even know what you want to invest in!

Me – Someone told me that Brodie Grundy was great odds for the Brownlow.

BP – That’s gambling, not investment.

Me – So there is a difference then… Look, I’m happy to invest it in real estate, or shares or something like that, if it gets me the money. I could negative gear it and…

BP – You don’t have a big enough income to negative gear anything.

Now, I’ve written to the Treasurer to tell him that he needs to get the banks on board with his “borrow and invest” idea, but I suspect that the Public Service moves so slowly that I won’t get an answer any time soon. And I did suggest that maybe negative gearing could be used against future profits, so that when I’m earning a million dollars, they can take the tax out that I haven’t paid, but right about now, I’d like the tax I’ll pay then, so that I have enought money to negative gear. But again, I suspect that I won’t hear back any time soon.

So, I’ve decided to ask you all to help by clicking the ads. You don’t even have to buy anything. I’m not allowed because it breaches something or other.

And when I’ve got enough money to help the homeless…

I’ll probably be just as greedy as all the rest of the people who say, why don’t the homeless just go out and do what I did: Use other people’s money to invest and get rich!



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  1. David

    Oh that’s that them, I’m on half age pension and half Super income, I wont even bother approaching a bank. Hockey has rubbed me out but didn’t tell me I was an inadequate…if Ed wins in UK might have to emigrate to get away from this foul low life Govt.

  2. Glenn

    so why don’t most Australian’s get this guy. He has been blatantly honest all along about his agenda……”lifters and leaners” & “the age of entitlement is over”. He is not there to help anyone for anything. full stop. government is “open for business” as the LNP has so clearly stated. The LNP have moments like these of intense honesty. But how can you punch some people in the face, tell them it’s a soft loving kiss, and then they believe it as they spit out a front tooth?????
    OK, so Joe Hockey IS a clown. I get that. Is it so hard to get? Wake up Australia!!

  3. Wally

    @Glenn sorry you got 1 point wrong “He is not there to help anyone for anything. full stop” he will help himself, his LNP mates and the people who already have a lot of money who don’t need any help. He will not do anything to help the rest of us, the majority. I always believe that the role of a government was to do what is best for the majority while ensuring that minority groups are not disadvantaged or victimised.

  4. David

    ‘He has been blatantly honest all along about his agenda’…What crap…Hockey wouldn’t recognise honesty if it bit off both the fat bastards danglers, if he has any, wrapped them in a gift pack and shoved them up his rotunda. Where have you been Glenn on a satirist writing course? Don’t give up your regular employment, the course didn’t get through. Hockey is nothing with a very large N

  5. Keitha Granville

    It’s all so totally biased any fool can see that. We tried to extend a loan we have on a house we rent to our daughter, but the bank said because my husband is now retired we’re a bad risk – even though the rent pays the whole loan amount, and as soon as they move out into their own place we’ll sell it ? Where’s the logic ? It’s not negative geared, it breaks even most years, or adds a tiny amount to our meagre income (which was the whole point in the first place) but apparently we’re not the sort of people Joe’s talking about.

  6. eli nes

    it is becoming scary??? for years the rabbott and hockey plus the media screamed about labor’s 25% gdp debt. Then the rabbott and the greens voted to increase the debt by over 100 billions since then 40 billion to the yanks (100%debt) and japan(200%),
    20 billion to the spanish and korea out of our economy and billions on war and to WA.
    What a shock when the rabbott announces that 50% or 60% of gdp is acceptable but little media interest and no excitement from labor.. Then hockey says to us borrow when household debt is 173% of income. These men are dangerously inept and why is little billy silent??

  7. Wally

    @eli nes “These men are dangerously inept and why is little billy silent??” just an observation but for what it is worth seems to me that Shorten is keeping his mouth shut because every time he goes on the attack Hockey and Abbott come out with more bullshit and the pro LNP press gobble it up. It is probably a better tactic to keep quite until the shit hits the fan and any constructive criticism Shorten offers would just help these useless idiots.

  8. stephentardrew

    Hope your right Wally.

    The cards are certainly stacked against social justice and progressivism. I still think that the small target approach is simply bereft of ideas and a sufficiently charismatic personality who can laugh in the face of difficulty and move the party forwards. Labor’s lack of a coherently argued attack upon supply side economics is disturbing. Your first post says it all and if Labor cannot stand upon principle, regardless, then I don’t think we can expect much from them. Let’s hope the Greens show more maturity and ignore the polls for a justice driven policy platform that helps promote their position in the poles through courageous well thought out attacks upon neo-conservatism.

    People need to be convinced of your worthiness and looking at Shortens popularity that certainly is not happening. You would have to be blind to pretend this is a successful approach to policy formulation based upon a set of justice based moral precepts. The only way to get people to accept sharing the load is to present a coherent philosophical argument for redistribution. The party is simply relying upon L-NP failure and a last minute attack pre-election. There is so much wrong with this approach that it begs belief that they would think you can change peoples minds through silence. Don’t blame the media that is just avoidance for their lack of creativity and foresight. Progressivism is about finding any means to get your message across not giving up by saying it is too hard.

    Labor needs a new strategist with the balls to attack regardless of media bias and relentlessly peruse what was their original reason for being: social justice’ equity and utilitarian redistribution of goods both physical and personal.

  9. Tony Rabbit

    All the states have their equivalent of “western suburbs” so I guess you’re right – it is YOUR western suburbs and not anyone else’s!

  10. stephentardrew

    Cameron wining in the UK. I wonder if Labor is going to get the message.

    You fight or you lose.

    You have well founded policies or you die a death by a thousand self-inflicted cuts.

    You wimp and your lost.

    Remember the rabbit out of the hat Howard children overboard deflection.

    Labor you need a triple bypass.

  11. mars08

    stephentardrew: “…Labor needs a new strategist with the balls to attack regardless of media bias and relentlessly peruse what was their original reason for being: social justice’ equity and utilitarian redistribution of goods both physical and personal”

    I maintain that the ALP is unable to take that approach … simply because they are not the party’s current primary ideals. I await some firm, clear, loud, controversial policy announcements to prove otherwise.

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