By Robert Stygall

‘On tonight’s show I’d like to welcome all the way from Mel-born, Australia – Robert and Liz.’

‘Hi, Oprah – we’re excited to talk to you.’

‘Now we’re speaking to you tonight because you are making an amazing claim – you say that you are the rightful King and Queen Consort of the United Kingdom.’

‘That’s right. I can trace my ancestry directly back almost a thousand years to the original Saxon Kings. In fact, back to Harold the Second in 1066. Whilst the current usurpers only go back as far back as Edward the Seventh in 1901 with the so-called House of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. You got to admit that doesn’t sound very British does it. Look a hundred years ago rebranding your name to the House of Windsor to disguise your Germanic origins, may have worked on the plebs, but surely today people are too sophisticated and well educated to believe such contrived mythology – setting aside Donald Trump supporters of course?’

‘I think we’ll leave Donald to one side – so how did you end up missing out?’

‘Well, my Great, Great, Great etc etc Father had the throne illegally stolen from him by William the Conqueror. And as we know he was about as British as garlic snails. So, the end result is we have had close to a thousand years of various usurpers and families stealing the monarchy from the previous thieving incumbents. So, I am here to restore the purity of English monarchy and to re-establish the link back to the true and original Kings and Queens of England, the Saxons.’

‘So, you are sure you can prove your direct lineage to Harold the Second.’

‘Yes, my DNA matches perfectly with the DNA recently recovered from the arrow in the eye that killed him. I now have the best constitutional lawyers in the world supporting my claim. As a consequence, I will shortly be serving notice on the present usurpers the House of Windsor, to vacate my numerous residences.’

‘So, what will you do with these newly acquired properties?’

‘Well, Oprah, mention is often made of the people’s palace, well I will return Buckingham Palace to the people. It will be converted to a theme park and entertainment centre. I have already booked the headline acts for the first concert ‘Queen’ and ‘The Pretenders’ – lets Ruck the Buck, oh yes.’

’Windsor Castle I will retain for my own use but of course it will be renamed Saxonia Castle.’

‘Robert, isn’t there a problem, with you living in Australia and being King of the United Kingdom?’

‘Well, Oprah, for over a hundred years the Australian head of state has been a Windsor King or Queen located in Britain, so I can’t see how they can complain when we reverse the situation.’

‘What about Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales?’

‘Let’s face it. They are a vestige of Colonisation. I will give them Independence and ironically, they will then most likely cede autonomy by re-joining the EU. However, I know I speak for many when I say we will miss the many cultural contributions, these countries have made to the British way of life. For example, deep fried Mars bars, sectarian tribalism and massed male choirs.’

‘Robert do you think you and your family have the moral authority to rule England.’

’Well, Oprah no family is perfect, but I can assure you no-one in the House of Saxony, as we will be known, has been a Nazi sympathiser, exploited and sexually abused young girls or boys, lived a luxurious and decadent lifestyle off the taxpayer via Royal stipends, made racist and insensitive remarks on an ongoing basis, had multiple extra-marital affairs, or exhibited mad or bizarre behaviour as a result of generations of in-breeding; so I think that is a good start.’

‘What about the system of honours – will you keep them?’

’Firstly, all existing honours will be cancelled. However, you have to admit they are a very clever way of allowing power and influence to be exerted at virtually no actual cost. No, instead, we will have a lottery each year and Knighthoods and the like will be randomly drawn out. To be honest this will probably result in more worthy recipients than the current system. Rolf Harris, I rest my case. By the way, when I say randomly drawn out, we will of course ensure there will be an appropriate representation of aged, female, physically handicapped, LGBTIQ, left-handed and racially diverse recipients.’

‘Well thank you, Robert, we have to leave it there and good luck with your claim.’

‘Thank you, Oprah, and God Bless The House of Saxony.’