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God Told Me That Trump Is OK, And Cory Bernardi Too; It’s Jesus Who He Condemned!

All right, the title has nothing to do with what I’m writing. It’s not quite click-bait, but in an era where I’m competing with the tweets of Donald T-rump and the coal-powered humour of Scott Morrison, then I have to resort to whatever I can to get your attention…

Now that I have your attention, I find that I have nothing worth saying. It’s like when you win government and find that you don’t actually have an agenda…

(This is not a reference to either the Liberals or Donald Trump who have a clear agenda. They both want to make everything great again. But not for people who didn’t vote for them or give them money… Well, they’re not Robinson Crusoe on that)
.

Yep, I have nothing to say! That’s not really my fault. I figure that it must be the fault of the Labor Party because everything else seems to be their fault. Good God, they’re practically the Devil, because they keep making the Liberals do things.

“The devil made me do it!” cries the repentant sinner.
“Labor made us do it,” cries the Liberal minister.

The only difference being that the Liberals argue that Labor is making them do it before they actually do it, whereas the repentant sinner usually tries his line after he’s done it!

You see, Labor are making the Liberals think about a tax rise.

For four years, the Coalition has been saying that we don’t have a revenue problem, we have a spending problem. In the last couple of days, they’ve floated the idea of a tax increase. (Relax, relax, I suspect that this will go the way of everything else they’ve floated. At least the Titantic made it out of the harbour!)

Anyway, it’s not their prefered option. But Labor/the devil is making them do it…

There was a bit of a suggestion about reducing the discount on Capital Gains tax on property, but apparently this would cause a revolt by the Coaliton MPs who own more than five investment properties. Turnbull, in spite of never needing to sell and therefore never needing to pay a Capital Gains tax, decided that this needed to be ruled out because Labor had suggested it at the last election. And without even doing the numbers, he knows that the number of Liberals with more than five investment properties who could vote against him in a leadership spill would be enough to end him as PM.

Anyway, I was going to make a point here, but I’ve forgotten what it was and that’s clearly because Labor made me forget it…

Wait, no, it was something about coal being cleaner because Scott Morrison managed to pass it round the chamber without anyone getting their hands dirty.

No, it was something else. Something about Donald Trump…

Oh, bloody Labor Party, I’ve forgotten what I was intending to do…

That’s right. I was planning to work out my budget for the next few weeks, but thanks to the Labor Party I have a spending problem because I bought too much alcohol last week when I got depressed that Malcolm Turnbull’s performance in Parliament was considered an improvement when he gave the sort of display that would lead to a suspension for bullying, if a Year 8 boy tried that in a school debate.

Bloody Bill Shorten…
Bloody Labor Party…
Bloody media…

I mean, they’ve made the Liberals exchange preferences with those PHONIES…

(Just in case you aren’t aware, PHONIES is an acronym for Pauline Hanson’s One Nation Isn’t Everyone’s Stooge!)

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Labor once formed government with that dangerous extreme group “The Greens”, so there’s no problem with the Liberals helping One Nation get a few members up… After all, some of their members are less extreme than some of the National Party, so why would you preference them ahead of your Coalition partner?

Where were we?

Oh, that’s right. We were fixing my Budget.
And it had a problem coz the devil made me do it!

P.S. God didn’t actually tell me that Trump was ok. He actually said that he wasn’t going to tell me anything “on the record” but I could quote sources close to the Bible who wonder why the same people who are so definite on bits and pieces here and there on gay marriage, don’t have the same level of clarity about working on the Sabbath which is one of the ten commandments. Surely, if you’re going to risk you immortal soul by working on the Sabbath you should be entitled to extra pay. When I tried to clarify which day was the day of rest, sources close to the Bible suggested that it was the Labor Party who had confused things, and it was Bill Shorten’s fault even though he wasn’t born at the time.

P.P.S. Sources close to the Bible have suggested that they were misquoted and that unless we actually try to be a little more circumspect, then we’re all screwed in spite of what Rupert tells you.

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41 comments

  1. brickbob

    I just finished reading your piece and i cant remember one bloody word of it,and yes i am blaming Labor.
    ps….. If you ever … ever .. show that image of Pyne wearing that hat again i will personally send a heavy set nasty man round to break your knee caps………………

  2. Rossleigh

    Ah, brickbob, the photo of Pyne was Labor’s fault…
    Anyway, you’ll probably forget!

  3. passum2013

    please morph pynes heah over a tassie devil or a baby in nappies this wood be worth seeing shared Australia wide

  4. lawrencesroberts

    Labor are a bunch of light-weights. Why don’t they point out the inevitability of “renewable energy” or the price of oxymoronically named clean coal or that The P.M. has put solar panels on his Harbor-side Mansion.

  5. paulwalter

    Yeah, what is this absolute phobia the Liberals have concerning even the thought of taxing the rich, let alone tormenting them the way they torment everyone else? If you even look like pursuing it they will blather on about taxation as theft and moan about educating other peoples children, but never will they contemplate that property itself maybe theft… some things they just don’t want to know about.

  6. Bob Parker

    Following the headline I must remind you all that Bernardi is quite ok. For Pete’s sake he has an IQ in DOUBLE DIGITS. Think about that! He is only 100 points or so short of being up there with Einstein. So there!

  7. Kate Ahearne

    Thanks,Rossleigh. Hilarious, but we can’t have hilarity at the expense of the facts, and last time I looked (about 50 years ago) that working on the Sabbath thing wasn’t one of the 10 commandments. It was one of the many bonus commandments – like, Thou shalt not be gay, Thou shalt not be left-handed, Thou shalt be well advised not to be born female, Thou shalt smite, Thou shalt sacrifice thine first-born son….

  8. Neil Aitchison

    There won’t be a conscience vote on same sex marriage in parliament because the people voted for a plebiscite at the last federal election that has now been blocked by the Senate….and so the people don’t want any other way of legalizing same sex marriage this term of parliament. For the left-wing activists to try a push through a conscience vote (which, by the way, the plebiscite is a conscience vote of the electorate so they would have got their conscience vote by having a plebiscite) is totally irrelevant and contrary to what the people want – the people don’t like elitist activists forcing their arrogance and skewed version of reality on the rest of us. There is a high likelihood that the Coalition government will get re-elected as the right-wing voters stand up against the Marxist activists, thereby stopping homosexual marriage from ever happening in Australia. The homosexual activists are dead scared of a NO vote if the people ever have a say about legalizing SSM which is why they doggedly opposed a plebiscite.

    Marriage is far more than just a wedding ceremony and calling someone “husband”, “wife” or “partner” and it is also far more than just “two people being in love” (or more likely in today’s way of thinking, a lot of marriages are more built on lust rather than love and so they are doomed to fail even before they start). For same sex marriage advocates to say that “You couldn’t use term husbands and wife in same-sex marriage, but otherwise it wouldn’t be any different to heterosexual marriage” is an incredibly shallow and meaningless view of marriage. Real marriage is a family-based institution for the nurture of children through to the next generation unlike same sex marriage which is a sex-based concept never tried before in the history of human existence. The latter is for the self-gratification of the individual (ie. to make them feel good) and in a political sense, same sex marriage is solely trying to make homosexuality look acceptable – in other words, there is nothing about same sex marriage that compares to real marriage. Real marriage is a millennia-old institution for procreation and male-female marriage is a proven pillar of successful civilisations since the dawn of time. Same sex couples simply don’t have the biology to do real marriage and the only way that they can make marriage seem plausible to them is to steal the word “marriage” and redefine it to suit their purposes. Even their idea of having a family is to use artificial reproduction and then deprive a child of a mother or a father. Such a confected lifestyle turns children into mere luxury accessories for selfish homosexual parents.

  9. wam

    if your piece wasn’t so real i would be laughing and if neil aitchison wasn’t so laughable i’d be crying.

    The dilemma is who has god on their side?

    I’d usually plump for a pastor but his use of a rainbow puts his veracity in question.

    So you, rossleigh, and labor will rise from the atheism which so spread like lot’s wife, crushed, on the cuts of the cat o’nine tails wielded by the rabbott.

    Not too far a lift because bill was properly trained by the jesuits. However it appears he was home with mum for the flagellation seminars and has merely maintained his rough cloth singlets, blue of course.

  10. Peter F

    Neil, you do challenge Ross, but not necessarily in the manner you might have intended. Would you consider writing your own satirical articles on a regular basis?

  11. Peter F

    Ross, I bet the Labor party couldn’t have touched that coal without getting their hands dirty.

  12. rossleighbrisbane

    Actually, Kate, the Sabbath thing is one of the ten. Check out Exodus 20 verse 8

    20 And God spoke all these words:

    2 “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

    3 “You shall have no other gods before[a] me.

    4 “You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

    7 “You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.

    8 “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. 9 Six days you shall labor and do all your work, 10 but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. 11 For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

    12 “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

    13 “You shall not murder.

    14 “You shall not commit adultery.

    15 “You shall not steal.

    16 “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

    17 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

  13. Johno

    Once a dickhead always a dickhead…

    The WA Liberal deal with Pauline Hanson’s One Nation has been given the blessing of former prime minister John Howard, despite his 2001 edict it must be placed last on his party’s how-to-vote cards.

  14. Möbius Ecko

    2 “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

    Historians have blown number 2 out of the parting seas long ago.

    1. The Egyptians were meticulous record keepers, tracking everything from each person, including slaves, down to the smallest amounts of goods like grain. Yet there are no records of the Israelites in Egypt for the period. Some religious historians have attempted to explain this by saying the records were lost or deliberately suppressed. Strange then that no other records of other races in Egypt at the time were lost or suppressed.

    2. The Egyptians had slaves but they were personal ones, not slaves used as mass labour. Large scale construction like temples and the pyramids used the population for labour, especially off season farmers. Indeed the Egyptians were very good to their labourers, giving them the best medical treatment of the time and feeding them well. Look at the hieroglyphs of pyramid construction and you don’t see whip cracking guards lording slaves, but foremen directing workers.

    3. Much of the areas and towns for the route mentioned in Exodus historically don’t exist or didn’t exist at the time the exodus was supposed to have happened. Indeed the area the Israelites were supposed to have settled shows no records or archaeology of any significant group having lived there.

    Much more if you research, and also some attempting to explain the discrepancies in Exodus and history/archaeology.

  15. helvityni

    When God spoke these words, was he speaking to a male only audience? He says you must not covet your neighbour’s wife, so does mean it’s OK to covet the neighbour himself…?

  16. silkworm

    “… the people voted for a plebiscite at the last federal election that has now been blocked by the Senate….and so the people don’t want any other way of legalizing same sex marriage this term of parliament…”

    Neil knows full well that the majority of Australians favour marriage equality. I’m sick of religious liars.

  17. Zathras

    Mobius Ecko,

    It doesn’t matter that there is no historical evidence for the Exodus, or the fact that the town of Nazareth didn’t exist in Jesus’ time or that archaeologists can find no evidence of walls around Jericho or that a lot of Christian practices and beliefs were “borrowed” from the myths of Horus and Osiris (to name just two) or the multitude of inconsistencies and untruths in which religions wrap themselves.

    It doesn’t matter that most self-professed Christians have never actually read the Bible but learned their religion from sanitised Hollywood or Sunday School stories.

    You’re arguing with people who think that dinosaurs (and unicorns) co-existed with man until a Great Flood occurred and that the Earth is only about 10,000 years old. Anyone who believes The Flintstones was more a documentary than a cartoon is beyond rational debate and lives a life of cognitive dissonance.

    What really matters is that they used to be lobbyists once but sadly some of those people now sit in Parliament and make decisions that affect us all.

    Somebody should really call them out to make personal declarations of how they really see the world.

  18. Roswell

    Neil, how would have you voted in a plebiscite?

  19. silkworm

    A few years ago I gave a lecture to the Atheist Society on the non-historicity of Jesus, and even amongst the atheists, there were some who showed great resistance to this concept. It seems that the religious dogma of Jesus’ historicity permeates all segments of society.

  20. Steve Laing - makeourvoiceheard.com

    Wow – Neil arrived and cut/pasted some diatribe from wherever. I’ve seen some crazy arguments before, but he’s gone full whacko in one post! Congratulations! Tell me again about how people past the age of childbearing and their biological imperative when they get married? I must have missed that bit. I think I’m going to pray for him.

    I was reading the comments on the Guardian about one of Trump’s brainfarts, and one of his glorious supporters actually said that his church had stated that Trump was going to do great things, so he was fully bought in. The fact that Trump has multiple divorces, condones sexual harassment, and even suggested he’d have carnal knowledge of his daughter, was clearly still considered acceptable christian from whatever weird church this poor fellow attended.

    The human ability to rationalise is an unbelievable thing! Though somebody did tell me that if we didn’t have this ability, our consciousness would “self-destruct”, which sort of makes sense.

    However I quite like the concept of Jesus (I’m an atheist, but my Dad is a now retired man of the cloth, so I’ve kinda been brought up in that environment, though it was never forced on us) – unfortunately if he ever was a real person, his story has been so bastardised from the original to fit whatever means of people control that those in authority could muster. Apparently if you translate from the original Aramaic, he was not the son of God, but the son of man i.e. just a regular bloke. I suspect his deification was one way to make him less dangerous – a powerful common man is bad voodoo and sets a very dangerous precedent. Only important people and Gods should be allowed to attract large numbers of followers, so actually promoting him to god status conveniently kills the concept of common people being audacious enough to propose such abhorrent socialist principles such as looking after each other, treating others as you would like to be treated, sharing your possessions etc. The “established church” and its many followers have largely adapted these dangerously subversive ideas by adding “as long as they are people like yourself, and only them” on to the end of each of these tenets. However this is almost entirely supposition on my part, and I may be spreading my own mistruths based on conversations I had with people long ago, so please don’t quote me.

    Great article Rossleigh – very, very funny (from the clickbait title onwards) and clearly hit the appropriate nerves 😉

  21. Kate Ahearne

    Rosseigh, Sorry if I had anything to do with the flood of Bible stuff (which was all very interesting anyway). I do need to point out, though, that you have 17 commandments, not ten. I certainly didn’t remember 17! So I consulted Professor Google, and sure enough, there ARE 17, and one of them is the one about the Sabbath. Deary me.

    Neil, Very droll.

  22. Rhonda

    Hey Neil, given that you’re the sexpert on “Real Marriage”, I’d be interested in your take on Reality marriage: of the commercial telly variety. Good, Bad, indifferent, plebiscite-worthy???? Oh, save us! But pls don’t try to SAVE us. Nearly forgot 😉 – thanks Rossleigh

  23. Kate Ahearne

    Steve, Rhonda and Joyce, I’m pretty sure Neil’s post was a joke.

  24. cartoonmick

    How right you are. The “Blame Labor” excuse has been a well worn escape path for many a pollie.

    The left and right have always blamed each other, but recently, blaming Labor is no longer just a pastime, no longer just a hobby, no longer an automatic response, it has now become compulsory for anyone to the right of centre.

    BUT,,,,,, there is a positive spinoff for this trend,,,, It’s given me inspiration for several cartoons.

    Here’s 2 of them . . . .

    https://cartoonmick.wordpress.com/editorial-political/#jp-carousel-882

    https://cartoonmick.wordpress.com/editorial-political/#jp-carousel-1030

    Cheers
    Mick

  25. Johno

    Cartoonmick

    Great cartoons mate. Good to see the Tones getting out and about. In the modern tribe I thought the weaponry replacement was a bit lenient. I would have thought spears and clubs have been replaced with cluster bombs and stealth subs.

  26. Gangey1959

    ”No doubt about it, I gotta get me a smarter head.” The Hat.
    Or alternatively,
    ”Look mum, I’m banarnarby juice”
    Very amusing everyone else. Especially KA’s original commandments.

  27. Rossleigh

    Alas, Kate, Neil is very real and very serious. One click on his name will reveal his website, where an extra click will reveal this wonderful insight:
    “But with heterosexuality, we do not use a specific term that denotes male sexual heterosexuality nor a specific term for female sexual heterosexuality…..and the reason is?…..you guessed it, heterosexual relationships are infinately different to homosexual relationships! Try the simple $2 test: if you have one $2 coin or two $1 coins they are of equal value but they are not the same – try putting a $2 coin in a vending machine that only takes $1 coins, or 2x$1 coins in a vending machine that only takes $2 coins….you can’t do it even though both have equal value….equal value, but different. So too it is with homosexual (sodomy) marriage compared to heterosexual marriage.”

    And no, unfortunately, that isn’t some form of satire either, even if he does spell “infinitely” incorrectly.

    As for the commandments, the numbers in front refer to the verses in Exodus. Some commandments run longer than a single verse, but there are only ten.
    Interestingly, many Christian politicians seem to think that they’re except from the one about bearing false witness.

  28. Kate Ahearne

    Rosseigh, You’re kidding, right? Right? Uhoh! Deary me. It seems this is the second time in as many weeks that I’ve been fully taken in by someone who was ‘for real’ when I thought they were hysterically funny satirists. Gosh, it really is a great divide, isn’t it?

    Peter made this remark much earlier in the thread: ‘Neil, you do challenge Ross, but not necessarily in the manner you might have intended. Would you consider writing your own satirical articles on a regular basis?’ I thought ‘not necessarily in the manner you intended’ must refer to some kind of in-joke to which I was not privy – you know, old and regular contributors and all that – shared experience. And of course, I thought it might be a really good idea if Neil were to write some satirical articles ‘on a regular basis’. Mind you, I didn’t think he’d ever be as good as YOU, Rossleigh. Of course not. Not at all. Never. Never even entered my head. Nope, nope, nope, Clean Coal.

    I don’t remember now whether it was you or Roswell who very kindly alerted me to my mistake last time. At least by now I’ve worked out that you’re not Roswell and he’s not Rossleigh. Small mercies.

    So now I need to apologise most abjectly to Steve, Rhonda and Joyce. But not to Neil, apparently.

    Also, I did ‘get’ the thing about the verses, but I wasn’t going to own up. (It did seem a bit odd that ‘And God spoke all these words’ might be considered a commandment. But these days so many peculiar things are considered commandments.)

  29. Rossleigh

    Here’s a link to Neil
    http://www.users.on.net/~mec/evangelical/advertiser/index.html

    Well, at least, while the ten commandments tell me not to “covet my neighbours… ox or donkey”, it doesn’t prevent me from coveting my own.

    And it certainly didn’t forbade me from coveting his ass…

  30. jimhaz

    I’m often rather indifferent these days to cartoons, but I liked more than a half of Mick’s work. Some were really quite clever. Thanks.

    I have to say the Abbott related ones really made me recall just how much I disliked him in both opposition and in power. So glad we don’t have him and Trump in power at the same time.

  31. Kate Ahearne

    Rossleigh, I will not tolerate American spelling in my classroom. Nor will I tolerate sass.

    It’s quite apparent to me that you have slip-slided (slid?) from toleration of gays to being gay yourself to bestiality. I have warned you about this. Mr Bernardi has warned you about this.

    Irrepressible boys are not nice boys, nor are they good boys. Please see me after class.

    Thanks for the link. I guess I don’t need it now !!!!

  32. Jennifer Meyer-Smith

    I love how Rossleigh says black is white and white is black and it all makes sense when in the context of this crazy LNP bunch of degenerates.

    On Twitter, I saw a clever meme depicting Ian Macdonald, as the outraged outspoken opponent to retrospective Gold Pass benefits for MPs, which queried whether the same over-rated knuckle-dragging dinosaur would fight as hard for pensioners and welfare recipients.

    A most appropriate comment about a LNP politician, who doesn’t deserve to share our oxygen.

  33. Kaye Lee

    Neil said “the people don’t like elitist activists forcing their arrogance and skewed version of reality on the rest of us.”

    Neil, I don’t like religious people forcing their arrogance and skewed version of reality on the rest of us.

    The idea that you get to vote on whether another person has the same rights as you is ridiculous in the first place and wasting $200 million of our money on it is unacceptable. If they truly had wanted a plebiscite they could have included one with either of the last two elections. They chose not to. Don’t try to con an old digger as my father used to say.

  34. cartoonmick

    Thanks Johno.

    What a shame you aren’t the Editor of a large MSM newspaper with a big budget and looking for a cartoonist.

    None of those Editors around these days. Labors fault !!

    Oh well, guess I’ll just have to be happy being the owner of a decent beer fridge.

    Cheers
    Mick

  35. Angry Old Man

    @Rossleigh @Cartoonmick

    Thanks, guys, I really needed a laugh. For a while there, I was dangerously close to becoming Apoplectic Old Man. I’m sure regular correspondents will understand why.

  36. Johno

    One quick look at Neil’s site had my eyes glazing over before I could say jack rabbit !! No comment.

  37. Jennifer Meyer-Smith

    I always find it perversely amusing that women are only given equal billing when it comes to marriage in orthodox society.

    Every other time women must scrape and crawl for any semblance of equal representation, especially in the religious institutions pushing for both sexes being present in marriage.

  38. Angry Old Man

    @Johno

    Thanks! I missed that article. Pure coal, as Scrotty would say. Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?

  39. Alan Baird

    There’s nothing wrong with clickbait. I clicked. I also agree that the Liberals are on a tape loop of Labor pains. EVERYTHING wot’s rong is down to Labor. In fact, if Mal hangs around ’til his retirement age as PM (risible) he’ll STILL be banging on about them as if Labor had lost govt the previous week. WTF caused Neil’s diatribe? He clearly has NOT been taking his medication. If I started having thoughts congruent with Neil’s, I’d be back on mine too. Apart from the 10 clauses religious reference, there was no connection with what emanated from his fevered mind. These people do add a certain colour to these august posts but I put it down to frustration, constantly waiting for god to put in an appearance… or failing that, a really telling and highly selective, targeted & pointed physical phenomenon that the faithful could applaud and say, “There! Tolja so!” Instead, either bugger all or some cathedral or mosque falls down. Global warming is so slow for divine attribution. All a total scattergun. In fact I’m surprised that no one among The Flock hasn’t done what St Victor did when god smote mightily the comely females who’d been unwontedly familiar with his body and uttered REALLY blasphemous words about the Big Killjoy Guy Upstairs, presumably also in frustration*.
    (*Courtesy of Monty and the boys.)

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