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By John Haly

Warning: Satire, sarcasm or irony could be utilised herein at any moment. Intelligent discretion is advised!

In the midst of massive marches in the capital cities protesting about the choice of date for Australia Day, Andrew Bolt started trending alarmingly on social media. Just when you thought, Andrew Bolt trending on Australia Day – given his previous opinions on aboriginals – could not possibly be good news, I had a changing paradigm moment. All of a sudden I am thinking of converting to Hinduism. If I sound confused, it is because I am no longer sceptical of karma.

Andrew Bolt was injured after falling from a ladder while attempting pruning a tree. Despite hopeful reporting removing the decimal point, it was confirmed to be only a 3.5m fall, injuring his wrist and ribs. Medical staff confirmed there was no head injury despite the fact that behavioural indicators may have suggested otherwise. Despite expectations, no confirmation that he blames political correctness & the unions have been found although the possibility that the ladder leaned to the left as he leaned rightwards may have been a contributing factor. Concerns have been expressed that this was probably the time to embrace his inner “tree hugger”, although some have queried if indeed the tree itself may bear some responsibility. Identifying the tree has been of some concern because the community is torn between pruning it further or awarding it for services to the community. Sufficient to say there appears to have been no further adverse consequences to the tree, for which many on social media have expressed grave concern.

The witch hunt for which tree was responsible?

Progressives have hoped that finally, Andrew Bolt might admit having to target the wrong threat to Australians. Instead of Australia spending billions on the negligible threat of “terrorism” that kills next to nobody in Australia perhaps Bolt will suggest we re-target our spending.

Perhaps it should be “Ladders” we recognise are the scourge of western society that we ought to be spending money on investigating and deporting offshore! Of course, he may be open now to championing the disparagement of chairs and beds as the causes of more significant numbers of deaths than even the worldwide number of Australian deaths due to terrorism. (That being 113 worldwide in the last 36 years whereas beds have killed 417 and chairs, 198 in the last decade alone).

Although, one can understand why the ladder may be what represents a predominant concern. I can see Bolt’s headlines now:

Lone Wolf ladders terrorising Aussie households believed to be weaponising gravity“.


Remember it is up to you more progressive folk go out to your own ladder and assure it that you understand that most ladders are useful. Note that while there are some aberrant ladders want to bring about the downfall of humanity, it is true that most moderate ladders are of the class that seeks to be uplifting?

War on Terror such a minor threat

Donations will be accepted to aid the recovery of the patch of grass he fell on between a concrete path and bench. Please note the concrete path and bench are not responsible for their unfortunate placement. The ladder appears to have suffered no ill effects from the fall.

This article was originally published on Australia Awaken.

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  1. Frederick

    I see that falling out of bed is a big killer too.
    Perhaps there should be a government funded media campaign warning us to look out for reds under the bed, and other monsters too.

  2. Joseph Carli

    I will note here and affirm the treachery of some ladders..I, myself, came into possession through a deceased estate of a relative, a wooden step-ladder of unique design…stoutly constructed, it is a patented variation of of the standard step-ladder , in that it has adjustable support legs that when out-stretched, can be loosened and tightened with wing-nuts to allow for any uneven ground. This is handy for that occasion when one needs to do a bit of pruning on a vine above some stepped paving or sloping ground.

    I call this ladder “The English Ladder” after the obviously Anglo-Saxon name of its patenter and inventor..perhaps a better nomenclature would be “Churchill’s Revenge”..on the Australian troops for not acquiring Gallipoli when demanded…for the fault in the ladder lie in the wing-nuts not being of sufficient capability to apply enough tension when tightened, so that if one leans too far out to one side to reach that elusive branch…the ladder support legs give way and it has a tendency to follow one’s reaching and propel the body earthwards without recourse of correction.

    I suspect that Mr. Bolt may have been in possession of one of these “English Ladders” and like his reliance on that “English tradition” preferred by a perceived elite of prejudice and racism…he was once again brought down to earth with a crash!

    I am thinking that if Mr. Bolt’s ladder has suffered irreparable damage, I will offer him mine gratis as a replacement.

  3. Vikingduk

    Must have been a Labor ladder or, possibly, possessed by an evil goblin or the tree and the ladder conspired to throw Andy Blot. So a Labor inspired conspiracy involving a terrorist ladder, a pissed off tree and evil goblins brainwashed by Moslem inspired tree hugging greenies, kardonay sipping Labor extremists and goblins. They were later seen at a local cafe slurping lattes and pigging out on smashed avo toast celebrating their success. There were questions asked though of the bench and seat—they were meant to catch him.

  4. Rossleigh

    I never knew my real ladder, and when pruning, I had to rely on being raised by my step-ladder!

  5. Peter F

    Rossleigh, I take that step-ladder to be your stock-in(g)-trade.

  6. Joseph Carli


  7. Roswell

    I’ll pay that one, Rossleigh.

    PS: Please don’t ask for any money.

  8. Jack Russell

    A snake and a ladder … was it an apple tree?

  9. Jack Arnold

    Copying Mollie Meldrum in a forlorn hope of increasing your personal following is likely to lead to a downfall.

  10. king1394

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_terrorist_incidents_in_Australia. Shows why the Bureau of Stats has to stretch the numbers on terrorism from 1978 to 2014 (34 years) in the comparison table, where the other events took place between 2003/12 or 9 years. Without padding up with attacks on Turkish Consul and Attache (2 killed by Armenian Genocide ‘Justice Advocates in 1980) and events including the killing of a security guard at an abortion clinic (2001) the sum total of deaths 2003/12 would be: NIL

  11. John Haly

    Ahh, Mr king1394, an excellent observation and indeed quite correct. If you go to the link attached to the word “terrorism” in that article you will note that we probably concur on these numbers and in fact I mention a few of of the same references myself.

  12. Glenn Barry

    no serious injuries – Bolt must have landed head first then

  13. wam

    When the tlob’s senses returned he recanted the words of your report, as the ravings of a twit when he was temporarily concussed by falling on his arse and put the real cause and fault clearly on the shoulder of the people in tassie who illegally stopped the clearing of the forrests that would have provide quality wood for the rails and steps of his ladder.
    ps lovely read, well done, John.

  14. kerri

    Was it a fair skinned bush masquerading as a tree?

  15. johno

    Thumbs up John. After reading put ladder under lock and key, with a guard and cctv.

  16. etnorb

    What a f#cking pity this Bolt clown was not more badly, injured using an “obviously” left-leaning Labor ladder to help prune his tree! His rants & raves are always given prominence in all the bloody Mudrake newspapers, when, no matter what he is on about is (usually) just crap, right-wing nonsense! How he is allowed to get his rubbish published is almost beyond me! However, because he seems to sprout the Mudrake line in almost every column, he must be considered a “hero” (?), to Mudrake & his editors here in Australia! What a bloody lucky lot we are here in OZ to be able to read his rants, raves & lies etc so often, NOT!!

  17. jimhaz

    The ladder was his Stairway to Heaven…but when he got to the top God pushed him back down and there was a small bustle in the hedgerow.

  18. wordsfromthegrave

    I heard he was knocked out and when he came to didn’t know who he was and had empathy for people less fortunate than himself. He said he believed in social equity and was immediately sacked by fox and the herald sun. He did however later gain his feelings of entitlement and denounced all human suffering as people just not getting off there arses and working hard to climb up the ladder to a better life. He was immediately reinstated to his old job.

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