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Abbott’s Address To The National Press Club Tomorrow

Now, I know that there’s every chance that this alleged transcript of Abbott’s address tomorrow is not genuine, but I’m sharing it anyway because, well, when was the last time anyone needed to check whether documents were genuine before sharing them with the public. (Think Utegate, people, so if it turns out that this is wrong, I guess I’ll be next Communications Minister).

Good afternoon,

First let me address the elephant in the room, and before anyone tries accuse me of another gaffe, I’m refering to the Queensland election result, not the journalist sitting to my left. (Pause for laughter) Yes, it was a terrible result for Campbell Newman, and I did consider trying to take time out of my busy schedule to help, but Campbell assured me that everything was okay and that I wouldn’t be needed.

Of course, it’s easy to be wise in hindsight, and yes, if only I’d ignored him and gone there to campaign, things would have been different, Campbell may have kept his seat and we wouldn’t be facing the awful prospect of a hung parliament. But Queenslanders are very proud, and unfortunately, he just couldn’t accept that he needed my help.

But on to more pressing matters. I’ve copped a lot of criticism over the knighthood for Prince Philip, and that’s fine because we live in a country where people are allowed to criticise and say unjustified things, even about someone as important as the Prime Minister and even when the person is doing such a great job, so I’ll just cop it on the chin. But I would like to explain my logic there. There are many people I intend to bestow knighthoods upon…he’s just one of them. If you remember I did say that the people receiving knighthoods didn’t have to be Australian when I re-introduced the honours. Once you see the full list, it wouldn’t look so out of place. In the coming years, I intend to knight John Howard, Rupert Murdoch, Shane Warne, Gina Rinehart, George Pell and, posthumously, Bob Santamaria. I just felt that, as Philip is a man of mature years, who’s been suffering health problems, I better move him up the list a bit, just to be on the safe side. And in order to show my goodwill here, I’m pleased to announce additional knighthoods to Cadel Evans and whoever scored the winning goal in the soccer to be effective immediately.

It’s not always easy being the man in charge, as I’m sure Ange Postecoglou will vouch. Just when you’ve done all the hard work, getting your team a goal up, someone will stuff up and let the other side score! But great leaders don’t give up. The reshuffle their team. Take a few stars off the ground and let some fresh people have a go. Julie Bishop has done a fantastic job as foreign minister, but I feel that it’s time to give her a rest, as she’s looking a bit tired. I’m just asking her, and Communications Minister, Malcolm Turnbull to go on a fact finding mission to the Ukraine to interview the separatists, followed by a quick tour of Syria to meet with ISIS in the hope of engaging them in dialogue. Scott Morrison will be going to Manus Island and staying there until he’s persuaded all the asylum seekers to either settle in Cambodia or go back where they came from. And he should be quite succesful because when I talk to Scott, I almost wish I could go back where I came from. (Pause for laughter)

When I announced my Paid Parental Leave Scheme, a lot of people said that it was too expensive and it was far too generous, after Labor had wasted all our money on school halls. After all, why do schools need halls when students should be in class being tested. But we are a government who listens, and I’m pleased to say that we’re postponing this policy until the Budget returns to surplus sometime in 2023. And with the savings we make, we’ll be able to subsidise the cost of anyone who currently employs a nanny. Who said we never support the nanny state? (Pause for laughter)

2015 will be an exciting year when we start to see the results of much of our hard work. The abolition of the carbon tax should lead to an increase of $500 in everyone’s household budget, and when the housewives of Australia get their hands on this money, we should see an unprecedented boom in the purchase of new irons. (Pause for laughter) But seriously, the retail sector will be picking up. Did you see how much busier the shops were just before Christmas? The mining sector, freed from the constraints of the mining tax, won’t have to hide their profits any more, which should allow them to dramatically increased the cost of iron ore. And petrol, well, we’ve done a marvellous job of reducing the cost of petrol to less than a dollar a litre in some places. John Howard said that this wouldn’t happen in his lifetime, so I really better check on his health and hurry up with his knighthood. (Pause for laughter)

Yes, for all its stresses, like The Lodge not being ready – another thing Labor didn’t do properly – it’s a great time to be Prime Minister. And I certainly wouldn’t be able to do it without support from that wonderful woman, who’s done so much for me and has been there through all the hard years. So you can just forget it, Mr Murdoch, that one isn’t negotiable, but I’m sure we can work something out because you’ve always been such a great Australian. Thank you all, and now I’d like to take questions.


While you’re all smirking and assuming everything I write is satiric, have another read of this from last year. Of course, I was making it up.

Of course. Just like I made up the bit about Steve Bracks returning to politics.




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  1. Peter Ball


  2. stephentardrew

    Bewdy Mate.

  3. aortic

    on yer bike TONY!

  4. Rossleigh

    Somebody just informed me that “Liberal’s Real Solutions” is an anagram for “SOS, Liars Able To Lure In”!

  5. pierre wilkinson

    the most protracted political suicide in our history

  6. Amanda V

    pierre thats because they can’t get rid of Abbott until they have rammed through some more draconian legislation trouble is Abbotts not as good at ramming as they thought.

  7. Julie Writes

    Fasten your seatbelt, Pony, it’s going to be a fast and furious ride to oblivion

  8. diannaart

    Has anyone ever seen Rossleigh and Tony Abbott in the same room?

  9. Anomander

    How you manage to get these leaked docs Ross is a wonder.

    Anyone would think you were the PM’s speechwriter…???

    Of course we all know you can’t be because there aren’t nearly enough Umms, Errs and Ahhhs.

  10. iggy648

    Beware of the Victoria Police publicly arresting someone the LNP don’t like!

  11. Rossleigh

    Anomander, the “Ums” and “ahs” get added in by him, as he always does a rewrite. The whole knighthood fiasco came from his inability to read his own handwriting!

  12. Kerri

    Well Abbott helped Napthine lose by turning up and giving him a hug! He helped Newman lose by not turning up and Lisa did all the hugging, well kissing actually, for him. So Abbott will be mightily confused and of course it’s all Labors fault. As for Malcolm Turnbull? All good things come to those who wait? I call him the smiling assassin. Like you Rossleigh I wouldn’t trust Turnbull as far as I could throw him. Or should that read throttle him. We need to bring peoples awareness to Turnbull’s plotting and the many faults he has displayed. Tones would have been smarter to get Turnbull managing a review of a republic. Lock him far away into something his peers (LNP members not House of Lords) would never countenance. It is clear, however, that if Abbott did knight Phil before it was too late, that this is a major point of difference between him and Julie Bishop!!
    Next ALP PM needs to put Knighthoods back in the annals of history where they belong but first just one dameship???
    Arise Dame Julia for services to humanity!

  13. PopsieJ

    In ancient times the court jester ( Abbott, otherwise known as Baldric ) was there at the kings ( Rupert Morerdick ) pleasure to keep every one entertained and focussed on his, the jester’s stupidity, whilst distracting every one from all the nefarious affairs of state.
    To morrow will be the ultimate in cringe worthy efforts by the jester that even the king and his minions can not endure. So, it’s off to the tower with Abbott accompanied by all the minions who giggled and smirked at his jokes at his jokes

  14. Hotspringer

    @ diannart, & Anomander: I think he is having an affair with that kinky Peta the drunken driver.

  15. Michael Taylor

    How many terror scares will there be in the next week?

  16. Popsie J

    Michael Taylor.
    Well Julie has just come back fro Afghanistan so the ADF will be back soon and the latest video from Headchoppers Inc is out ‘so maybe more F18 s and boots on the ground in Iraq to combat the deadly US (OOPs sorry) the ISIS death cult.
    Other distractions could be that Ange asked Abbott( Baldric) to captain the Socceroos but unfortunately he was busy captaining team Australia etc, etc, etc,
    Oh and BTW the ALP Queensland send Baldric its best wishes and says carry on with the good work and all those States and congressmen who are on the F35 gravy train say thanks for buying the worlds most expensive nearly flying lemon.
    Nothing better for me than a good rant on Sunday on the internet, it sets me up for a good happy week

  17. paul walter

    Loved the pic of the little imp at the head of the page also. Hope she turns out smarter than mummy and daddy, though.

  18. vivienne29

    Well that explains it all.

  19. Möbius Ecko

    The few right wingers that have come out on social media are spruiking the same as they always do, so nothing has changed there. If this is who Abbott continues to pander to then good, it ensures Abbott will go the way of Newman.

    Queensland is doomed, it will now become a communist/socialist (they can never distinguish between the two) haven destroying the very fabric of democracy. Not counting this has always been utter nonsense, I don’t think they have bothered to look, or have turned a blind eye to the undermining of democracy carried out by Abbott and Newman.

    Debt, debt, debt, debt and debt as far as you can see. Newman was fixing it and now we will be swimming in it for eternity. Again they either deliberately ignore or are ignorant of the greater debt both Abbott and Newman racked up.

    And of course the unfounded personal attacks. The alleged rape by a senior Labor figure, the malfeasance by another unnamed one and so on. Again ignoring the proven malfeasances, corruption and cronyism of Abbott and Newman.

    I want these radical right/Tea Party supporters to continue their unfounded attacks as Abbott and the Liberals through the IPA will continue to pander to it, being too scared to excoriate it, thus further alienating the general populace.

  20. Kerri

    Someone send a pic of Newman in biker colours to George Christensen and ask him to “have a sense of humour?”

  21. Terry2

    Tony’s postscript to the Press Club:

    In conclusion ladies and gentlemen of the media I have to confess to you that what you have been witnessing has been a charade. I have been a dual and loyal citizen to Her Majesty and to Great Britain since childhood and I now acknowledge that this means that I have never been eligible to enter the federal parliament of Australia as an elected member and thus my prime ministership has been a Constitutional fiction : a pantomime if you will.

    I hereby tender my resignation and will leave this place in the company of members of the Australian Federal Police or as I have come to know them in our shared dormitory, Eric and Bruce.

    I shall return to Great Britain after a short stay on Manus Island.

    Farewell cruel world !

  22. Kaye Lee

    September 26 2013: Mr Abbott also said that his government would be consultative and collegial.

    May 15 2014: Promising a “co-operative, consultative and collegial process” Mr Abbott said it was time for the states to do more.

    February 1 2015: “I accept that there have been some difficult times – I absolutely accept that – and obviously we’ve had some difficulties in the Senate, but we have listened, we have learnt and we will be a more consultative and collegial government in 2015 than we were in 2014,” he said in Sydney.”

    So does this count as a broken promise or incompetence? That’s the trouble when you just repeat the script over and over and over. It’s all just words to Tony – they mean nothing

  23. kiatagal

    A little brush up needed in the speech, not one mention of Team or Very Good Team Captain nor Crystal Clear or Fair Dinkum.

  24. Kerri

    It’s a trivial point, but did anyone else notice, when Abbott spoke to the media, how only the middle three centimetres of his forehead furrowed???

  25. corvus boreus

    My scrying of the probable gist of tomorrows press gig.
    (For conciseness of space all ums, ers, Let me be clears, allow me to says, redundancies and repetitions have been edited out.)

    ‘Gentlemen, and Ladies, let’s not forget our ladies, welcome and thank you for coming to listen to me.
    The people of Queensland have spoken, and I have listened. I am a good listener.
    Now Campbell Newman is a top bloke, a mate of mine, a close personal friend, easy to do business with, but, as a humble and thinking man myself, I see Campbell as a bit of a stubborn man.
    Not that I’m blaming him in any way. He made a corporals call to go alone into battle, into the fight to the death. And it is always a dirty fight with Labor. But I do not complain.
    I take some blame on the chin that I did not make my own captains call and campaign by his side. He would have blossomed under my paternal eye. I could have hugged him to show how well we fitted.
    The people of Queensland needed to see that Campbell Newman was part of team Australia.
    I should have been there beside Campbell to remind Queensland that he was part of the team that has axed the carbon and mining taxes, slashed the red and green tape that were stifling development, and has really opened Queensland up for business.
    It is no bad thing to keep reminding people that this is what we have achieved.
    I made the mistake of heeding the advice and wishes of others, and it is an error I have learned from.
    I understand, and respect the statement that the people of Queensland have made with their choice last Saturday.
    They are obviously not part of the team and do not want to stay open for business.
    I am going to give all their roads money to New South Wales and Western Australia.
    No questions. Thanks for coming.’

  26. gangey1959

    I think you forgot the addendum, in which he states that his entire presentation, and the fielding of the resultant questions, will be given by his trusted maid, Peta, after which she will ceremoniously throw herself under one of Gina’s dump trucks, specially prepared, serviced and spit-polished for the occasion by the guys at the supermarket car-wash, and driven by the latest recipient of a 457 visa.
    Campbell Newman’s ashes will then be used to mop up any excess blood.
    Otherwise, a very well written article once again Rossleigh.

    PS Just think. If we had a FTA with Korea, they would have won last night because Australia would have scored enough own goals to make it worth Korea participating in the first place, and also keep their “no goals against” record in tact.

  27. paul walter

    Kerri, he is resentful and bit punch drunk. But why the need for three or four morons to be standing about, at his latest interview?

    The look on Julie Bishop’s face tonight told a few stories, also. She said, through gritted teeth and aiming a death stare at the camera, that she was, “behind the leader”.

    That could explain the funny look on Abbott’s face, if it was the moment some silverwear was getting acquainted with his back.

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