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Abbott and Me – OK, I declare Tony The Conclusive Winner For January…

For the past few years, Tony Abbott and I have had a little competition. Which of us is better at creating satiric content on the political right. Every time I write something, he ususally manages to outdo it. You only have to go back through my blogs to see this in action.

When Joe said that poor people don’t drive, it was a pathetic attempt to get into the game, but he lacked the gumption to take it to the next level and suggest that they take taxis, which is why an increase in fuel excise won’t affect them at all. And he’s failed to take the initiative by claiming that it’s his fuel excise increase that’s driven the price of petrol down, because we all know that Australia dominates the world – just look at how Rudd’s spending caused the GFC…

And we also have Barnaby’s suggestion last night on ABC’s 7.23 (it’s the Budget Cuts, we have to economise) that Abbott’s stupidity made him feell that the man was more like him. Or to be entirely accurate:

LEIGH SALES: Will you put your house and your money on Tony Abbott leading the Coalition at the next election?

BARNABY JOYCE: Yes, and the thing I like about Tony Abbott – and I’ve said this before – it’s sometimes the mistakes that prove the authenticity of the person. And I want the authentic. I want the person who I believe is real because when they’re authentic, you can trust them.

Or as he later said:

BARNABY JOYCE: People are smart enough to determine – look, Leigh, if I’ve got a dentist with a drill in my mouth, I don’t care if their friends think they’re a cracker or if their friends don’t like them.

Yep, all he cares about is that the dentist makes mistakes and proves that he’s authenitc. Thank god, you forgot the anesthetic, he thinks, it proves that you’re real, just like the pain in my tooth.

But while Barnaby deserves a pat on the back for trying, we must remember that he is from Queensland, so it’s always hard to work out if they’re as good as Tony or me, or genuinely stupid enough to live in a state that elected Campbell Newman in the biggest landslide in Australian politics. Although Barnaby did have the sense to move, so he may not be as silly as he sounds.

Now, I know that I shouldn’t be just saying that I’m good, It’s unappealing. Confidence may be a wonderful thing, but just asserting that one is good is… well, a little pathetic. Particularly, when Abbott has done such a great job of sending up the whole imperial honours thing, as well as making poor Rupert look pathetic by reducing him to electronic graffiti (I guess Abbott’s not taking his calls, so what can a poor billionaire do?)

So, when it comes to satire this month, I have to concede. How does one do better than this?

“This is a very strong team,” Abbott said. “And one of the reasons why so many members of the team are able to perform so well is because they’ve got a very good captain.

“It takes a good captain to help all the players of a team to excel.”

Although I may be quoting him out of context. He may be referring to a completely different captain, and not himself. I need to fair…

Actually, when I think about it I don’t. Our beloved ruler, King Rupert decreed:

“Forget fairness. This change only way to recover team work and achieve so much possible for Australia,”

Mm, this may a problem for Fox News. Henceforth, will they have to drop their “Fair and Balanced” slogan and just be known as “Something we forgot and Balanced”?

 

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25 comments

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  1. diannaart

    Does anyone know if Abbott thought up ‘electronic graffiti’ all by himself?

    Just a thought. He couldn’t could he? Because ‘electronic graffiti’ is now viral.

  2. corvus boreus

    diannaart,
    Hypothetical.
    Room full of staffers

    Peta enters.

    Peta (waving sheets of printed E-mirth): What the f%*K do we call this shit???

    silence

    Anonymous Intern (raises hesitant finger): Electronic graffiti?

  3. Hyper Bollocks

    Dianna,

    I rather doubt Abbott came up with the term (he just doesn’t have that sort of wit), but I did find it rather clever, frankly. A version of the term has been around for some time:

    Digital Graffiti as a Social Media/Social Expression Tool

  4. Owen

    Careful diannaart with “electronic graffiti”going VIRAL he may well be expecting some kind of “co payment” or at least a sniff of a Cuban cigar or a couple of middy’s to wash it away????

  5. bobrafto

    Abbott has Brown Nose Fever, he couldn’t give a gong to the queen becos that would have made her a dame but he could make the Prince a Sir.

    Has anyone seen that pic of Abbott on Australia day standing next to a table with a framed print of the queen on top?

    It’s what you call a Clayton’s Photo Op with the Queen. Having your picture taken with the Queen when you’re not having your picture taken with the queen. Abbott is dead set struck with Brown Nose Fever.

    Has anyone observed footage of Abbott shaking hands with world leaders?

    Abbott is like a terrier, keeps on pumping the hand and won’t let go and it is this little quirk of Abbott’s that reveal the extent and severity of his Brown Nose Fever.

    No doubt we can all blame the Brown Nose fever for Abbott’s addled thinking.

    It will be interesting to see whether Credlin goes and is replaced by Murdock’s self proclaimed dogfcuker Chris Kenny. The Chris Kenny who said I will be remembered as the dogfcuker.

    Joe Hockey is urging his colleagues to stay the course (into the rocks) or not to rock the boat because if Abbott is made to walk the plank so will Joe.

    A new leader will rearrange the deck chairs and Joe and couple of others will find themselves overboard.

    Quite right the Abbott and his mob are satire

  6. CMMC

    Why is he trying to identify with those constantly weeping cricket players?

  7. corvus boreus

    It looks like her left hand is initiating some kind of hapkido maneuver as an instinctive response to his attack.

  8. bobrafto

    I’ll stick my neck out and predict Turnbull to be leader shortly.

  9. Graham Houghton

    Simply, this country is without a government. It’s no laughing matter any more. I am as amused as anybody by the antics and statements of these fools, but we need a government that is functional. The big top is about to come down. And if it doesn’t come down under control, it will create an instant emergency and chaos for years to come. Laugh all you like, but this is serious.

  10. jagman48

    Barnaby Joyce is my pick for the clown of the team. He amuses me every time with his wit. Ok he can’t string many words together that makes sense, but he goes beetroot red while he says it. Good value here.

  11. CMMC

    Turnbull, …what?

    The Mad Uncles can’t stand Turnbull, that is what delivered Abbott to leadership in the first place.

    Who wants to inherent a recession?

    BTW, has Abbott really appointed some Murdoch hack to be Consul General to Singapore, or did I dream it, hard to tell these days.

  12. diannaart

    CB

    My money is on the hesitant intern – who has every reason to be nervous – signs of intelligence are considered a threat by Abbott and his stooges.

  13. diannaart

    Hyper – I never really gave serious thought that Abbott was the author of such a term.

  14. diannaart

    Owen

    Hopefully the hesitant intern will step forward and sue Abbott for plagiarism – um, which sounds highly unlikely, somehow bullies like Abbott are adept at claiming all the glory, while blaming everyone else for anything that goes wrong.

  15. diannaart

    Kaye Lee

    A significant photo – especially as this hand-shake of Abbott’s is being used on a woman.

    The arm grasp:

    The left hand is used to grasp the other person’s forearm, elbow, upper arm, or shoulder while shaking hands. The arm grasp is a sign of dominance since you can control the other person this way. The higher up the arm the left hand is placed, the more intimacy is conveyed. A touch to the upper arm is a bigger invasion of personal space than grasping the forearm, for example….. Depending on the type of relationship the two people shaking hands have, the arm grasp can come across as either warm or domineering.

    https://jaefiction.wordpress.com/2010/09/19/body-language-handshake-ii/

    Grasping the elbow is appropriate if the people have a warm relationship. Otherwise it is an expression of dominance. No prizes for guessing Abbott’s body language.

  16. corvus boreus

    diannaart,
    The other significance of the arm-grab is that, with the draw/step in to the recipient’s off-side, it leaves their left hand floundering (witness KL’s photo).
    It is a power-play maneuver, pure and simple, and I have no idea how many conventions of Korean culture he was transgressing by implementing such a maneuver on their female leader.
    The ‘Gorilla-grip with arm-bar’ certainly breaches all the established etiquette of civil diplomacy.

  17. corvus boreus

    Suggested caption,
    “I’d love to see where those pearls go, maam.”

  18. bobrafto

    My opinion is that he is so entranced in meeting a world leader that he isn’t aware that he shaking hands to excess.

    And for some strange reason Abbott’s arm thrashing reminded me of a gent I knew when speaking in company would unknowingly scratch his balls and it was a bit disconcerting in female company, especially if he was talking to a female.. But I digress. lol

  19. Patriciawa

    I agree, ” Barnaby deserves a pat on the back for trying!”

    After reading and thinking about your post, Rossleigh, I now understand why last night watching Barnaby on national television I was thinking that maybe he wasn’t so bad, not really as stupid as I’d considered him, after all! He deserved some credit for something, which I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Had I been unfair in my assessment of him all these years?

    No, it was because he was out there trying! Being loyal too, a quality too rare on both sides of politics these days.

    But now I can also see that it’s because he looks quite good against the Coalition benchmark. Compared with Tony Abbott, even
    Barnaby Joyce can look like a leader.

  20. Anthony Shorter

    Abbott allegedly offered Greg Sheridan, one of Rupert’s head kickers at the Reptile Oz the post of High Commissioner to Singapore. (Confirmed by the Reptile’s editor)
    Sheridan had the good sence to say no.
    For a really good laugh, google Sheridan On Abbott, Greg’s bromantic piece of adoration of his bestest friend and fellow disciple of Saint Bartholemew Santamaria from their student days to their current mutual love, edited by the Monthly.
    You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you,ll cringe with embarrassment and maybe loose your dinner.

  21. diannaart

    CB

    I didn’t for a nanosecond think Abbott had a personal relationship with President Park Geun-hye, although, here he is again:

    http://www.korea.net/upload/content/editImage/Ko_Au_hands_L1.jpg

    and again

    http://www.korea.net/upload/content/editImage/Australia-131010.jpg

    but keeping his hand to himself – in fact I bet he’s trying to protect his shirt:

    http://resources3.news.com.au/images/2014/12/11/1227152/212235-5ee892a0-80bf-11e4-9363-aba3d5afaa70.jpg

    I apologise for images of Abbott. To make up for this please check:

    http://www.mrwallpaper.com/wallpapers/funny-kitten.jpg

  22. Annie B

    diannaart …..

    Loved the kitty pic – so cute & funny, I have kept it.

    Also didn’t mind seeing the two finger salute that Putin ‘appeared’ to be giving Abbott …. in the 3rd pic. !! That actually is amusing – the smoothing of the tie ( a nervous gesture ) but one designed to keep his hands off Putins’ elbow.

    I reckon Putin would’ve decked him if he’d have tried the arm grab. !! LOL.

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