“Excuse me, but I’d like to report a crime in progress.”

“Just one moment, madam, could you fill out this form and leave it with us?”

“Yes, but the crime’s happening right now. Just across the road.”

“Fill out the form and we’ll deal with it presently.”

“Ok, give me a minute.”

A few minutes later.

“Here’s your form, officer.”

“Right, then, so let’s put this in the pile over there and we’ll look at in due course.”

“But the crime’s happening right now.”

“Well, that’s for a court to decide. You’re in no position to decide what’s a crime or not. I mean, do you have any legal training?”

“As a matter of fact, I’m a lawyer.”

“Well then, you’d obviously know that it can’t be considered a crime until someone’s been convicted in a court of law.”

“Aren’t you going to do anything?”

“Of course we are. Later on, we’re going to read this report and we’re going to ask you why this crime wasn’t reported sooner.”

“I mentioned this to one of your officers, but he said that his shift was finishing and that I probably should wait and report it to the next person on duty.”

“Oh so you and he conspired to make it look I was the one who was neglecting the crime. You’re partisan, that’s your trouble. What’s your name?”

“Gillian.”

“Right. Well, if you’re the Gillian I’m thinking of, then you’re not the sort of person we want reporting crimes.”

“But it’s a crime, does it matter who reports it?”

“You ought to take a good hard look at yourself. What sort of a person are you? I don’t see how you can sleep at night.”

“Even if I’m done something wrong – which I don’t think I have, by the way – what’s that got to with anything? There’s a crime happening, and I’m telling you about it. Surely the thing to do now is to do something to stop it.”

“Yeah, well why didn’t you try to get the other officer to stop it?”

“I did – but he didn’t want to know about it either.”

“That’s because it’s his incompetence that’s responsible for all the crime around here. But whatever, the fact remains that you didn’t make a formal report until I was on duty, and that’s because you wan’t to make it look like the crime figures go up when I’m on duty.”

“I don’t care who’s on duty. I just want something done.”

“I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll give you ten seconds to get out of here before I arrest you for wasting police time.”

“Wasting police time? I want you to stop a crime!”

“We don’t have time. We’ve got too much to do.”

“What could be more important than stopping a crime?”

“Stopping the other officers round here from injuring themselves. Take Joe, for example, he keeps bumping his head when he opens the holding cell. And Christopher, whenever he attempts an arrest he locks himself in the cell too. I’ve got a full time job just making sure that they’re all injury free. It’s not easy being in charge.”

“Perhaps you’d better resign and let somebody competent take charge.”

“Gees, I knew you weren’t on my side. Right, that’s it! I’m taking you into custody and charging you with having a different view from me.”

“That’s not a crime.”

“Since when.”

“This is a free country. Don’t I have a right to express an opinion?”

“Of course, you do. But only if it’s the correct opinion. Joe! Get in here and put this one in the cells. And try not to bang your head this time.”