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Young Fogies: Generational change in the LNP

Perhaps there’s cause for some optimism when a newer generation of Tories is ready to take over the reins. The current crop of self-serving, fossilised inertia occupying the front benches of an exhausted, clueless government can’t last forever and some fresh faces and new ideas on the conservative side can’t hurt. Can it?

Well, imagine a room full of Young Libs – a bunch of Tristans and Felicias discussing their stock portfolios and au pairs over canapes and Moet in the Grand Reception Hall of the Friedrich von Hayek Memorial College For Tiresome Tory Twats. I’d rather have my teeth filed by a cack-handed proctologist than be within a bull’s roar of them. The young fogies, hoorah henries, wannabe Gordon Gekkos, rugger buggers, offspring of the squatocracy and vapid socialites in Burberry cardigans, all with the ability to bore for Australia. This is the future of the LNP?

The private schools and churches provide a gene pool of stick-up-their-arse born to rule sociopathic elites, parasites and feudalists with a cloistered life experience centred around wealth and privilege, many of whom have attended the IPA masonic lodge of archaic Milton Friedman capitalist dogma. These are the LNP anointed ones – the future “leaders” whose vision is formed through a rear-view mirror not a windscreen.

The world is burdened with young fogies. Old men with ossified minds are easily dealt with. But men who look young, act young and everlastingly harp on the fact that they are young, but who nevertheless think and act with a degree of caution that would be excessive in their grandfathers, are the curse of the world. Their very conservatism is secondhand, and they don’t know what they are conserving. (Robertson Davies. Canadian novelist, playwright, critic, journalist, and professor).

The neo-cons have at least challenged that gendered description from Davies with a slew of female fogies ready to join Sophie Mirabella, Bronwyn Bishop, Michaelia Cash, Sussan Ley and Melissa Price in the sisterhood’s hall of horrors.

The prayer circle of L-platers pissing on our biscuits includes some well known and some more obscure personalities:

Josh Friedenberg, touted as a future PM, the chubby Joshie is on a mission to prove that he can fuck an economy more comprehensively than his predecessor Sloppy Joe Hockey. Joshie’s the type to buy a frame and then look for a picture to fit it.

Matt Canavan. If Gautam Adani’s dick is freshly free of coal dust then you’ll know that young Matteo has just paid him a visit.

Tim Wilson. Freedom Boy is a fan of deploying water cannons to dispel dissent. When Timbo talks freedom he means his, not yours.

Andrew Hastie. Hands up for Hastie – now there’s an idea for a bumper sticker.

David Littleproud. Evidence that nominative determinism is really a thing.

Gladys Liu, whose racism offset her gender handicap in the eyes of the Tory pre-selectors.

My personal favourites however are these shockers:

Amanda Stoker, another fully credentialed del-con crazy having qualified at batshit level on the Personality Defects Honour Roll at the Ayn Rand School For The Irredeemably Obnoxious.

A typically hypocritical look-at-me-I’m-a-Christian this reincarnated Maggie Thatcher is from the LNP religious nut cluster Anglican branch, Old Testament division. Mandy’s victims of choice are the poorly paid – poorly paid means paid too much according to Mandy to whom gruel and a stale crust is sufficient recompense for 12 hours spent at the workhouse forges.

James Paterson, the face that invites a slap. The Germans have a suitable term for it – backpfeifengesicht. He’s Spanky The Tadpole playing adult dress ups. It’s very easy to imagine a lederhosened James with an Aryan Youth Of The Year rosette pinned proudly to his pigeon chest selling inflatable Peter Dutton sex dolls from a trestle in front of his mum’s house – any money raised to be used for a new night of the long knives putsch to rid the Tories of any remaining bed-wetters. Unfortunately for little James he’s only allowed plastic cutlery and he still needs his own mattress protectors but once he’s graduated from toast soldiers and water pistols this odious little munt will be touting the economic advantages of slave labour and invading New Zealand.

I had expected Georgina Downer’s plummy-vowelled daddy, Alexander Curly Downer, to be found trouser-less one day hanged by his fishnets beneath a London bridge with a feather duster up his clacker, pasties over his nipples and his tackle taped to his thigh. Tory toffs have a penchant for accessorised auto-erotic asphyxiation and they don’t come toffier than Curly, but alas, it did not come to pass.

Curley’s spawn Georgie bears an unfortunate close resemblance to her pallid, purse-lipped, pinch-faced pater. She is continuing the Downer dynasty (emphasis on the ‘nasty’) signature disdain for the hoi polloi, having a fixed snoot of sour condescension, with her nose in the air and a sense of six-fingered entitlement that would embarrass a bishop – none of which will deter this free-marketeer from seeking to get her pampered arse onto the public payroll. She could however improve her prospects by wearinging her stockings over her head to disguise her trademark look of a goblin licking piss from a nettle(1).

Bridget McKenzie is a gun nut and deputy leader of the Frackers and Miners Party who may one day fill the deputy PM shoes once occupied by the Barmy Barny Joyce. Barmy’s not proven to be the leafiest shrub in the hot-house, misinterpreting biblical references to “thy rod and thy staff” for instance but he has added colour to politics. Purple.

That vivid, puce ponce pops up on our screens on a regular basis as the Purple One pontificates on the issue du jour but his ludicrous delivery lacks cred – this man thinks gravitas is what stops the sheep from floating away.

Back to Bridget – like the good and faithful Nat that she is she has consistently voted against any and all action to address climate change. And also in line with her party’s practice she’s quite adept at spending tax payers’ money in her own interests whether it’s $500,000 to move offices, $20,000 for a private plane to attend a hockey game or $74,000 for touring the mini-bars in hotel rooms across the country. Bridget has a bright future in the Frackers.

* * * * *

These are the would-be architects of our future. Impressed by their own self-importance and imagining themselves as Winston Churchills or as jet-setting oligarchs surveying their extensive property portfolios from an RAAF VIP aircraft these stultifying, gormless dullards only get creative when it comes to diverting public monies to themselves, their families and their mates.

Continued exploitation of the environment, erosion of rights, secrecy, inequality, rampant authoritarianism, avoidance of scrutiny, shifting public assets to private mates and their peculiar brand of publicly subsidised capitalism – it will all continue as the Tories shift further and further to a fully blown kleptocracy under the Tory Youth Brigade, unobstructed by a timid and cowed Labor Party. We are fucked.

(1) Adapted from a great sledge by Malcolm Tucker, The Thick Of It, BBC TV.

Fun reading for young fogies:

Cory Bernardi, impresario: fostering the new generation of young fogies – Jason Wilson, The Guardian 17 March 2016

Young Fogies – The Washington Post. Hilarious put-downs of the breed.

This article was originally published on The Grumpy Geezer.

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  1. Paul Davis

    GG as usual some delightful pithy quotes. Couldn’t go past these gems:

    James Paterson ….. the face that invites a slap
    Barnaby Joyce ….. misinterpreting biblical references to “thy rod and thy staff”

    We live in dangerous times, beseiged on all sides by madmen and monsters with no hope of respite or rescue on the horizon. Fascist tory attitudes prevail everywhere, even up in Townsville where the charming mayor criticised charities for offering food and showers to the local homeless. She even locked the public toilets to prevent homeless people using them.

  2. Grumpy Geezer

    I read about that Townsville mayor just a few minutes ago Paul D. What chance the decent citizens thereof will vote the poisonous cow out at the next local government elections?

  3. Aortic

    Talking about public toilets Paul, with all the problems we face delightfully delineated by the GG, the PM’s immediate attention is focussed on removing the signs from public toilets to exclude gender discrimination. Talk about fiddling while the joint burns. This failed advertising idiot got into power on the basis on Tony Abbott inspired negativity and I defy anyone to come up with one positive idea he has had since. Off to Timot Leste tomorrow where he must be so proud of his parties previous efforts in the oil gas split back in the days. If this case goes ahead against Collaery and Witness K, old and crook as I am, I wil be on the street protesting about his absurdity propagated in the name of ” National Security”.

  4. Miriam English

    This is a hoot and had me laughing aloud at several points. Thank you Mr Geezer. 🙂

    I laughed especially loudly at Barny Joyce ….. misinterpreting biblical references to “thy rod and thy staff”.
    Priceless! I wish I’d thought of that one. 😀

  5. Phil Pryor

    What a row of cunning stunts this lot of malodorous turds have done and still aim to do. With the lightning speed of knob polishing, mirror creating onanism, the young males mentioned here leave Capone in the shade and now may aim to outmatch Madoff. Some of the females are repulsive of body, soul, mind and manners. Conservative thieving, manipulating, gloating, grabbing and gouging is pure, unrefined shit and must be denounced, opposed, investigated. This nation deserves far better than institutionalised theft by these turds.

  6. Kitty

    The Melbourne University Liberal Club 2018 with James Paterson with a picture of their hero in the background. Would you trust the future to this unrepresentative swill?

  7. Barry Thompson.

    “her trademark look of a goblin licking piss from a nettle”.
    Wonderful! I nearly choked on my scrambled eggs.

  8. Diane Larsen

    Great read as usual GG brightened up my morning considerably as I am still in the doldrums over the loss at the last election I keep waking up feeling I am surrounded by fools and knaves.

  9. Kaye Lee


    I wrote about the Young Liberals some years ago too. I went undercover to chat to some of them. They are hilarious.

    Speak to a Young Liberal about why they are part of the movement and you are sure to hear the words “nanny state” and “socialism” very early in the conversation.

    They describe themselves as

    “a centre-right, mainstream political organisation with a political philosophy focused on limited government power, low taxes, individual responsibility, a focus on the family and a strong belief in rewarding initiative and private enterprise.”

    Considering membership is limited to 16-31 year olds, I found these to be unusual priorities for young people. Don’t they care about education, the environment, fast NBN, social justice, corporate greed, wars, income inequity, unemployment, affordable housing, discrimination, human rights, climate change – the sorts of things that usually interest and affect the young people of the world?

    At the conference in July 2013, Young LNP state president Hermann Vorster presented three proposals:

    Reinstate cracker night
    Random illicit drug testing for long term unemployed and welfare recipients
    Remove Australian content quotas for free-to-air television

    If that’s the best they can come up with, private schools should be abolished.

    Young Liberals

  10. Grumpy Geezer

    Kaye L,

    You went undercover – that gave me a laugh. I admire your stoicism.

    I have no issue with individual responsibility, family and rewarding initiative but i suspect my interpretation is a long way off theirs. Always bemused by rewarding initiative ala Angus Taylor and Matt Canavan. Initiative underwritten by our money.

    My exposure to staunch Lib acolytes was mostly when i was working in corporate where they were rampant. The strongest advocates for “rewarding initiative” were always the dodgiest bastards in the building, usually sales types.

    An anecdote – was out having a footpath coffee with one of my colleagues when one of the regular homeless who i had got to know wandered past so greeted him as usual, flicked him a spare gasper and $20. Colleague was gobsmacked – “why did you give him anything, he should go and get a job”. Typical mindset of most of the pricks – on $200k+ and begrudges $20 to someone who was handed life’s shit-stick. Glad I’m out of it and away from ’em.

    (I did love cracker night as a kid)

  11. Kaye Lee

    I loved cracker night too. I also remember how many fires we started. And the burns as you tried to be the person to hang on to a bunger for the longest before you chucked it. I didn’t blow up letter boxes or tie bungers to cats’ tails but other people did. Even when we did it supposedly safely, by going to cracker night at the local school overseen by the local volunteer bushfire brigade, one of them got hit in the head by a rocket as he went to “relight” it and was rushed away by ambulance. Much as I was a careful child, cracker night brought out the pyromaniac in all of us. Giving children matches in the dark is a bad idea.

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