By Grumpy Geezer
Taxonomy is the practice of categorising and naming of species. The official scientific name of an organism consists of its Genus and its Species Identifier, for example Corvus corax for crows, Homo sapiens for humans and Homo phobias for Lyle Shelton of the Australian Christian Lobby.
Taxonomies are useful for understanding the relationships between species and their behaviours so I am somewhat surprised that there has been no scientific classification of the Tory family of organisms given the devastating affect they have had on the environment. In the absence of such I have drafted my own take on Tories which perhaps the boffins can finesse with further studies.
The Tory family is believed to have branched off from hominids at about the time money was invented. Whether sea shells or bit coins, money provided a valuable evolutionary tool to those creatures who were prepared to use it to advantage themselves at the expense of others – Darwinism in action. Tories are great believers in the survival of the wealthiest.
Note: Tories are not endemic to Australia. They are common also in the UK (Tory bloviatus) and the USA (Tory magamentalis).
Two sub-families form the Australian grouping (Tory avariciousi and Tory yokelensis). Avariciousi is found in urban areas while yokelensis’ natural habitat is the countryside. They have been known to interbreed, producing rather bizarre hybrids known as Darians and Clarissas, identifiable by their lack of a chin and their fondness for chinos.
The best time for Tory spotting is when they gather together in the Australian Capital Territory each year to gorge on taxpayers’ money and drink themselves to stupefaction – the gutters of Kingston and Manuka are ideal places for Tory watching.
Trivia: We Tory watchers call ourselves twatchers.
There are some commonalities across the genera and species that comprise the Tory family: an aversion to light, their call of “labor labor labor, look over there”, a staggering incompetence, an insatiable appetite for money (other people’s) and a beligerent hostility when cornered.
In a strange twist of devolution they are cold blooded. As with Darwin’s finches from the Galapagos Islands they have evolved into various genera, a process that sped up noticeably upon the appearance in 1996 of Rattus fabricatus, commonly known as the lying rodent. The lying rodent is thought to have bred with Beehive ridiculousii – the lumpen Bronnysaurus Bishop from Sydney’s northern beaches whose Spakfilla features and red-lipsticked rictus made her look as if she was 3 days late for her own funeral.
A creature that is on the brink of extinction – the agrarian bloodsucker (Barnabus rortii) is found in the northern tablelands of NSW rummaging through the wheelie bins of Tamworth public houses after dark. It has an easily recognisable call – “caaaarp, caaaaarp”, a stumbling gait, gelatinous white thighs, fetid breath, bulging eyes, florid facial features resembling a baboon’s backside and teeth like a leper’s toes. It was displaced from its Canberra mating grounds by the bobble-headed booby (no-one can remember its proper name) from the Riverina region whose comatose demeanor is often mistaken for a constant state of hibernation. The booby has recently learned to walk on 2 legs.
The most prominant example of Tory avariciousi is Happi-clappus mammonitis – the smirking tit. Mammonitis is a migratory specimen, flying to Pacific islands in the Australian summer & only returning when the heat reaches all the way to Hawaii. Mammonitis marks its territory with its own excrement and habitually displays both thumbs in a gesture that is taken to mean “how good are these? I just took ’em outta me own arse”.
One species known for its aversion to light is Dodgi asfukkus, or the black angus. The natural habitat for this species is large holes in the ground and dead native grasslands. The black angus also frequents the Cayman Islands where it stashes its reserves of money for leaner times.
The black angus’ call is a loud “ka-ching”.
The red gladys, also known as the purple flyer is an introduced species from Hong Kong. The red gladys was released into the wealthy suburbs of Melbourne after being bred in captivity by the Chinese Communist Party who hope it will spread its genes throughout the Tory avariciousi family while distracting them with wads of cash.
The screeching shrew is from the west coast and is characterised by a helmeted crest on its head, not dissimilar to that on a cassowary, and with a shrill call that peels paint – “oil noime noimes”.
The screeching shrew has other similarites to the cassowary – it’s shy, hiding from the AFP and behind whiteboards, yet is vicious when cornered.
Nobody has witnessed the mating habits of the screeching shrew and nobody wants to. We’ll simply leave it as rumours that it prefers the ‘reverse cow-girl’.
Kipfler autocratus, the potato-headed boob, is known to become aroused (evident from a slight upward movement of the left side of its mouth) in the presence of dark uniforms and semi-automatic weapons. It’s best to approach autocratus dressed in civvies.
When out of sight it is believed that autocratus likes to adorn itself in a gimp mask and neck-to-ankles black latex accessorised with a riding crop.
This Taxonomy is a work in progress. There are many other species yet to be covered, including those of the related family Corporatus rapaciousii with which the Tories have formed a symbiotic relationship in order to steal water, poison the atmosphere, pollute the oceans, destroy habitats and share sun beds with on the French Riviera.
It’s difficult to get direct involvement from the species as they resist the science of evolution so this is an observational exercise and there’s only one of me.
This article was originally published on The Grumpy Geezer.