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Tories – a taxonomy

Taxonomy is the practice of categorising and naming of species. The official scientific name of an organism consists of its Genus and its Species Identifier, for example Corvus corax for crows, Homo sapiens for humans and Homo phobias for Lyle Shelton of the Australian Christian Lobby.

Taxonomies are useful for understanding the relationships between species and their behaviours so I am somewhat surprised that there has been no scientific classification of the Tory family of organisms given the devastating affect they have had on the environment. In the absence of such I have drafted my own take on Tories which perhaps the boffins can finesse with further studies.

The Tory family is believed to have branched off from hominids at about the time money was invented. Whether sea shells or bit coins, money provided a valuable evolutionary tool to those creatures who were prepared to use it to advantage themselves at the expense of others – Darwinism in action. Tories are great believers in the survival of the wealthiest.

Note: Tories are not endemic to Australia. They are common also in the UK (Tory bloviatus) and the USA (Tory magamentalis).

Two sub-families form the Australian grouping (Tory avariciousi and Tory yokelensis). Avariciousi is found in urban areas while yokelensis’ natural habitat is the countryside. They have been known to interbreed, producing rather bizarre hybrids known as Darians and Clarissas, identifiable by their lack of a chin and their fondness for chinos.

The best time for Tory spotting is when they gather together in the Australian Capital Territory each year to gorge on taxpayers’ money and drink themselves to stupefaction – the gutters of Kingston and Manuka are ideal places for Tory watching.

Trivia: We Tory watchers call ourselves twatchers.

There are some commonalities across the genera and species that comprise the Tory family: an aversion to light, their call of “labor labor labor, look over there”, a staggering incompetence, an insatiable appetite for money (other people’s) and a beligerent hostility when cornered.

Rattus fabricatus

Beehive ridiculousii

Warringahi wreckus

In a strange twist of devolution they are cold blooded. As with Darwin’s finches from the Galapagos Islands they have evolved into various genera, a process that sped up noticeably upon the appearance in 1996 of Rattus fabricatus, commonly known as the lying rodent. The lying rodent is thought to have bred with Beehive ridiculousii – the lumpen Bronnysaurus Bishop from Sydney’s northern beaches whose Spakfilla features and red-lipsticked rictus made her look as if she was 3 days late for her own funeral.

The offspring from the coupling of fabricatus and ridiculousii is Warringahi wreckus colloquially known as the feral friar who has an appearance similar to the early hominids. Covered in hair with an ape-like gait and a staccato cackle it resurrected rumours of the legendary yowie. It is now thought to be extinct.

A creature that is on the brink of extinction – the agrarian bloodsucker (Barnabus rortii) is found in the northern tablelands of NSW rummaging through the wheelie bins of Tamworth public houses after dark. It has an easily recognisable call – “caaaarp, caaaaarp”, a stumbling gait, gelatinous white thighs, fetid breath, bulging eyes, florid facial features resembling a baboon’s backside and teeth like a leper’s toes. It was displaced from its Canberra mating grounds by the bobble-headed booby (no-one can remember its proper name) from the Riverina region whose comatose demeanor is often mistaken for a constant state of hibernation. The booby has recently learned to walk on 2 legs.

The most prominant example of Tory avariciousi is Happi-clappus mammonitis – the smirking tit. Mammonitis is a migratory specimen, flying to Pacific islands in the Australian summer & only returning when the heat reaches all the way to Hawaii. Mammonitis marks its territory with its own excrement and habitually displays both thumbs in a gesture that is taken to mean “how good are these? I just took ’em outta me own arse”.

One species known for its aversion to light is Dodgi asfukkus, or the black angus. The natural habitat for this species is large holes in the ground and dead native grasslands. The black angus also frequents the Cayman Islands where it stashes its reserves of money for leaner times.

The black angus’ call is a loud “ka-ching”.

The red gladys, also known as the purple flyer is an introduced species from Hong Kong. The red gladys was released into the wealthy suburbs of Melbourne after being bred in captivity by the Chinese Communist Party who hope it will spread its genes throughout the Tory avariciousi family while distracting them with wads of cash.

The screeching shrew is from the west coast and is characterised by a helmeted crest on its head, not dissimilar to that on a cassowary, and with a shrill call that peels paint – “oil noime noimes”.

The screeching shrew has other similarites to the cassowary – it’s shy, hiding from the AFP and behind whiteboards, yet is vicious when cornered.

Nobody has witnessed the mating habits of the screeching shrew and nobody wants to. We’ll simply leave it as rumours that it prefers the ‘reverse cow-girl’.

Kipfler autocratus, the potato-headed boob, is known to become aroused (evident from a slight upward movement of the left side of its mouth) in the presence of dark uniforms and semi-automatic weapons. It’s best to approach autocratus dressed in civvies.

When out of sight it is believed that autocratus likes to adorn itself in a gimp mask and neck-to-ankles black latex accessorised with a riding crop.

This Taxonomy is a work in progress. There are many other species yet to be covered, including those of the related family Corporatus rapaciousii with which the Tories have formed a symbiotic relationship in order to steal water, poison the atmosphere, pollute the oceans, destroy habitats and share sun beds with on the French Riviera.

It’s difficult to get direct involvement from the species as they resist the science of evolution so this is an observational exercise and there’s only one of me.

This article was originally published on The Grumpy Geezer.

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  1. Bronte ALLAN

    What a great & bloody true article Grumpy! Your descriptions of these retards is so close to he truth it is not funny. Cannot wait for further research by you into the remaining idiots! Well done!

  2. Grumpy Geezer

    Cheers Bronte. I could be encouraged to further develop this. It was fun.

    And it’s even more fun because we know Tories hate being laughed at.

  3. Kaye Lee

    Hilarious. Just want to express my appreciation before putting my thinking cap on.

  4. New England Cocky

    heheheheheheh … GG strikes again!!!

    I regret to announce that Barnabas rortii is no longer on the endangered list, having successfully been crossed inter-generically with a Hotboxis amoralis to produce a second clutch of taxonomic bastards. Regressive evolution is the usual outcome from such adventures in breeding.

  5. Kaye Lee

    Gorgeous Christii, one of the larger examples of the booby family, flies from its native Queensland to the Philippines several times a year in search of a mate. The Gorgeous Christii is renowned for its ability to regurgitate coal dust.

  6. RomeoCharlie29

    You do the Kipfler spud a disservice. Otherwise an excellent read. I also look forward to an extension of the genomic project.

  7. corvus boreus

    Enjoyed that one.
    One notable omission in the field guide is the critter that sweatily squats around the tropical seat of Dawson.
    George Christensen is most definitely a specimen of ‘Gastro-bufo manillaphilius’ (commonly known as the Gutty Toad).
    Although physically unimpressive, this pond creature sports a loud and aggressive bark.
    Due to a lack of any identifiable means of courtship display, it tends to vagrantly migrate in order to mate.

  8. Terence Mills

    Brilliant !

  9. DrakeN

    Well, GG, you have excelled yourself with this one.

    It would, however, be a lot more amusing if it were not so close to reality.

    Keep up the good work, GG.

  10. Ross

    Interesting concept GG, I always thought there is a secret facility deep in the Blue Mountains where conservative politicians are created in large stainless steel vats by mad scientists.
    Or perhaps three witches invoking the demonic spirits over a foul bubbling cauldron which spills a fully formed Liberal party apparatchik ready and willing to wreak LNP/IPA havoc on the electorate.
    Maybe even a clutch of those alien eggs from which a monstrous creature erupts, clamps onto the face of an unsuspecting Labor Party victim and ends in a John Hurt moment of bloody chest eruption into a hideous One Nation senator.
    There has to be a rational explanation.

  11. Kaye Lee

    “Over the last 30 years politicians’ staff has increased dramatically. At federal level there are now some 17 hundred personal staff to ministers and members. The states probably account for over two thousand more. Add to this the direct political infiltration of federal-state public services and quangos with hundreds more jobs for the boys and girls, there is now a well-established political class.

    This has provided the political parties with a career path for members. In many cases it often produces skilled, partisan, “whatever it takes” warriors with a richly rewarded life through local state and federal governments to a well-funded retirement. Unfortunately while this career path, as Tony Fitzgerald states, does include principled well-motivated people … it also attracts professional politicians with little or no general life experience and unscrupulous opportunists, unburdened by ethics, who obsessively pursue power, money or both.”

    If you have not read this speech, which I link to all the time, I would highly recommend it, not least because it shows what a good politician can do. Vale Ted Mack, you were a good man.

  12. Kathy

    Thankyou GG, this one made me laugh.

  13. Patagonian

    Brilliant as usual GG! What about Maximus-Bloatis Kellyii? Thick as two short planks and with a face like a melted arsehole, Last seen eating itself to a myocardial cardio infarction. Approach warily, particularly if there is a plate of sausage rolls (or any fat/meat combination as long as it’s free) in the vicinity as its rolls of fat may engulf and suffocate you to death in its rush to get to the trough.

  14. corvus boreus

    I would classify Craig Kelly as a specimen of ‘Asinus pachycephalus’ (aka, thick-skulled ass).
    Known for it’s obstinately obstructive behaviour and incessant, insistent, mindless braying.

  15. Roswell

    corvus, you give Kelly too much credit. I don’t think he’s evolved to that level yet. He’s still swimming around in some prehistoric ocean.

  16. johno

    What Terence said.

  17. Hilde Rombout

    Brilliant! I have not laughed like this for days. Too worried about the fires. Thank GG, your expressions are just so hilariously to the point. Can’t wait for more tory taxonomy though and certainly need the laughs! Thank you!

  18. wam

    ‘blue ming’ taxonomy is another pommie sound worth a giggle

    Perhaps you could provide this lnp troll with a dichotomous key as an aid to classification?

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