By Kyran O’Dwyer

Imagine this.

A job with an entry level salary of about $200k that requires no qualification or previous experience. There is no dress code, no KPIs, no oversight. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

It’s not like those on Newstart. For about $16k ‘income’, they have to observe standards far in excess of the standards applicable to those who define their rules. Pick any one of the myriad of support services that most Australians consider necessary, and tell me the requirements for their paltry income is less stringent than those who imposed the criteria. Just one. Any one.

That’s before we start on ‘the perks’ of being a politician. Living away from home allowances, even when you are living in your own home. (Or your partner’s. Or your trust company. Or whatever). That such consideration should be given to the homeless is, clearly, an untenable proposition. Plus their other entitlements. Their expenses, their super, their hobnobbing with the likes of Twiggy, Gina, Adani, Rupert. If you thought a $200k entry level salary is good, your expense allowances will dwarf it. It’s expensive keeping up with appearances. Just ask Dorian Gray. It is simply logical that your employer, the taxpayer, should fund your every indulgence.

In addition, there are ‘post job’ bonuses, comprising an ongoing salary even when you finish working, with no restriction on receiving any other income. These ‘post job’ jobs are a certainty, given the number of people who will be keen to repay your ‘in job’ considerations. Sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it?

Understandably, these jobs only come up every few years. Some people do pre-job training with suitably qualified bodies. The IPA, the Liberals, the Nationals, the ALP, RTOs with credentials par excellence. Even though there are no standards for these jobs, some people still need pre-job training. Go figure. At least they are not interns.

There are 150 positions in the House of Representatives (HoR) and 36-40 in the Senate in any normal election year.

This may sound daunting, but don’t despair. In 2013, 1,188 candidates stood for the 150 HoR vacancies. That’s 7.9 applicants for every job. In the same year, 529 candidates stood for 40 Senate vacancies. That’s 13.2 applicants for every job. Bearing in mind that there are over 17 applicants for far more menial jobs, with far greater scrutiny, out there in the real world, this is an opportunity second to none.

Admittedly, the entry criteria may seem pretty tough, but it’s not.

Firstly, you cannot be entitled to the rights or privileges of a foreign power. This seems difficult, but it’s not. If you were born overseas, or your parents were, or your grandparents were, you will need to identify the relevant country or countries and establish how to renounce that citizenship. This internetty computer thingy makes it a very simple process. You would have to be pretty stupid to mess that one up. In the event you went through an RTO, you should ask for a refund of your fees.

Secondly, you cannot have been convicted, or be in the process of being convicted, for a crime carrying a penalty of more than one year’s incarceration. Now, that one’s not hard at all. Most people will recall a particularly long conversation with the police, particularly when it starts with “Did you bring your toothbrush?”

Thirdly, you cannot be an undischarged bankrupt or insolvent. This one is also easy. For a start, it is specifically referring to financial bankruptcy. Intellectual and moral bankruptcy are perfectly acceptable. In the off-chance you don’t know if you are a bankrupt, it will have been a rather lengthy process, with lots of paperwork. Don’t fret too much. “I don’t recall” is a handy phrase to learn. It’s not like it’s a ‘robo-debt’ letter, with all of its attendant obligations. In this rarefied space, temporary amnesia is not only convenient, but totally acceptable.

Finally, you cannot be in receipt of a government pay-cheque, whether it be a salary or a contract with a government department. Most people would know if they were receiving a benefit from the government, don’t you think?

So, that’s the entry criteria. Easy, peasy.

In the off-chance you did not understand the criteria, applied for the job and got it, don’t worry. There is no penalty if you ‘made a mistake’. You might lose the job, but you can keep the money. Any legal fees incurred in defending your stupidity will be picked up by the taxpayer. It is not, after all, a Centrelink application. Whilst ‘ignorance is no excuse’ in the real world, you have entered a rarefied space where being ignorant is a virtue.

The application process is even easier. You see, depending on which survey you want to believe, only 12 – 20% of Australians trust their politicians. My personal belief is that these figures are inflated. There are, of course, variables. ‘Trust’ is a word with a dictionary definition, but each person’s definition of trust is personal, even peculiar.

‘Politician’ is, in my opinion, another variable. Notwithstanding those variables, I’ve never met a person who trusts a politician.

To get the job, you have to convince people who don’t trust you that you are better than the other applicants, who they also don’t trust. You can say anything you like, in the full knowledge that;
a) Not many people will believe you, and
b) If they do believe you, that is more an indictment on their gullibility than your credibility. They deserve no sympathy if they are that stupid.

Therefore, you need never worry if your promises seem ‘over the top’. Nobody in their right mind believed you in the first place.

Now, here is the real beauty of these jobs. Nobody expects you to do anything. Passing bills through parliament is an illusion, peddled to the masses. These were the people stupid enough to give you the job in the first place. Like any illusionist, you will learn that the critical aspect is the theatre, not the substance. We have had over three years of government where sweet Fanny Adams has gone through Parliament. Even budgets are optional. In the off/chance there is any criticism of the lack of progress, there is no end of excuses. “It is everybody else’s fault” is as acceptable as “The dog ate my homework”.

Everybody knows that government by ministers is far more practical. No need to make an argument in Parliament. Just sneak out the back and make a deal with your cohorts. Whether it be launching military actions overseas, negotiating with rogue states to incarcerate the unwanted, demeaning and belittling the weak and the vulnerable, shifting departments, amalgamating departments. Anything at all. You name it, you can do it.

You will never be held to account.

Interested? Of course you are. So, here’s what you do. Don’t just enrol to vote. Enrol as a candidate as well.

Realistically, some are more likely to succeed than others.

Our Upper House comprises 76 representatives, twelve for each State, two for each Territory. That means Tasmania, with 537k people, get one senator for every 45k people. South Australia, with 1.72 mill people, get one for every 143k people. Western Australia, with 2.67 mill people, get one for every 223k people. Victoria and Queensland, both on 6.14 mill people, get one for every 512k people. And New South Wales, with 7.77 mill people, get one for every 648k people. The Northern Territory, with 266k people, get one for every 133k people. The ACT, with 402k people, get one for every 201k people.

The only difficulty in doing that maths is trying to explain how that is, in any way, equal representation. Don’t worry too much. As a politician, nobody expects you to explain anything, let alone represent your constituents in anything even vaguely resembling equality.

Our Lower House is slightly more representative, ranging from one representative for every 107k people in Tasmania to one for every 212k in Queensland. The average across all of the states and territories is one representative for every 163k people.

If we all enrol as candidates, the ultimate job will be a prize for relatively few. However, based on Australia’s performance to date, it will likely take the ABS/AEC years to work out the outcome. If there are several million candidates, all voting for themselves, there will need to be counts, recounts, distribution of preferences. Then more counts, more recounts, more redistribution of preferences. When all of that is done, the successful people will go to Parliament.

Some unkind souls have likened Parliament to kindergarten. Using that analogy, the High Court is, undoubtedly, our very own kindergarten cop. Before you know it, the newly elected parliamentarians will be facing scrutiny. When they get knocked off in the High Court they can walk away with their salary. Their replacements will be found and submitted to the same rigmarole. This will go on for a few years. Then we can call a new election and start all over again.

OK, Parliament won’t have sat, nothing will have been done, and there will have been incessant discussion of the most inane aspects of the most inane people.

The only difference between the above scenario and the current situation is that more people will have imbibed at the trough.

Come on, people. It’s 2017. Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what your country can do for you. Whether you rely on the Constitution or an old religious tome, the defence is set in stone. That which was drafted and enacted so long ago, unbending to any winds of change, is now the shelter behind which you can cower from any future winds of change.

Yeah. OK. There are a few weaknesses in the foregoing. None of it, however, is intended to justify the status quo. It is merely an attempt to get a few more beneficiaries to the trough.

Mr Einstein’s definition of insanity was ‘doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting different results’. Based on that definition, the foregoing is insane.

The problem with the Constitution is not s44, or any of the other sections that come under the spotlight every so often. The only constitutional crisis we have is the document itself. Drafted and enacted more than a century ago, impervious to change. Until such time as this is rectified we may as well get as many snouts into the trough as we can.

Enrol as a candidate for the Ultimate Job. There is no downside.