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The bastards from the bush

The rustic oiks bent Scooter over a pork barrel

The Bastard From The Bush – selected extracts

So they took him to their hide-out, that Bastard from the Bush, And they gave him all the privileges belonging to the Push; But soon they found his little ways were more than they could stand, And finally the Captain thus addressed his little band:

“Now listen here you buggers, we’ve caught a f’ing tartar; At every kind of bludgin’ that bastard’s got the starter, At poker and at two-up he shook our f’ing rules, He swipes our f’ing liquor and he knobs our f’ing girls.”

They sprang upon him in a bunch, but one by one they fell, With crack of bone, unearthly groan and agonizing yell, Till the sorely battered Captain, spitting teeth and coughing blood, Held an ear all torn and bleeding in a hand bedaubed with mud.

“You low polluted bastard,” snarled the Captain of the Push, “Get back to where you come from, that’s somewhere in the bush, And I hope that vile misfortune may tumble down on you, May some lousy harlot dose you, till your bollocks turn sky blue.

Attributed by some to Henry Lawson.

Nice re-election campaign you’re planning. Shame if anything happened to it‘ said the Bastard from the Bush to the Captain of the Push. With a head made from a long-abandoned jack-o’-lantern, teeth like leper’s toes and the breath of a brewhouse spittoon the florid fornicator’s threats to shoot himself in the head carried a tone of crazed believability. Captain Scooter caved. After all it was just the extortion of billions more of other people’s money – National Party tradition and Liberal Party habit. An easy price to pay for a veneer of coalition unity. The great carbon con was agreed – taxpayers would fund more carbon, energy inefficiency and obsolescence and it’d be sold back to them as rainbows while Scooter printed the brochures to hand out at his stall at COP26.

The ‘hic’ from the sticks Barking Barmy Joyce struggles to keep under .05 – net zero is a concept that defeats his limited capacities. The economic, environmental and social opportunities of clean energy are beyond the sales skills of the country’s “best retail politician”. But pork and grift speak to Barmy, the spin could be finessed by more gifted charlatans while he and his fellow Nat trogs performed for their climate criminal sponsors and donors.

Selling the past as the future has fallen to a select few within Barmy’s circle jerk:

Gorgeous George Christensen is a big-talking nobody, yet with a wide profile to maintain – hence the intake of pies, cream buns and conspiracy theories. George’s CV has every RWNJ grievance and fringe lunacy that he plans to develop for his pending post-politics career as Australia’s Alex Jones. George expects to convert his voter niche of toolies, roadside dumpers and persons-of-interest into subscribers to his web site.

Climate denial is easy clicks for Gorgeous for that time when freed from scrutiny he can fund a revisit to Manila to redeem his unused frequent perver points. Gorgeous’s weight loss regime of a shit and a haircut has not paid off but one benefit of retaining his panoramic profile is that he’s eligible for the 2-for-1 full English breakfast at Tiffany’s Titty Bar & Grill in Angeles City. I’m looking forward to his reviews being posted.

In contrast George’s spindly chum Matt King Coal Canavan is all prick and toenails. He could pass for George’s left-overs. He’s a Mr Squiggle look-alike in blackface whose schtick is suckering enough of his constituency into believing that he’s on the tools so that he can keep his shiny bum planted on air-conditioned parliamentary senate leather.

Matty’s a man of convictions:

Matt Canavan:Where I’m from there’s not a lot of roads or airports.”

Narrator: He was born on the Gold Coast and grew up in Brisbane. His white collar office is located in the city of Rockhampton. Rockhampton Airport is a major Australian airport with flights to Brisbane, Mackay, Townsville and Cairns and transports approximately 580,000 passengers each year.

 

 

His physical presence reminds me of Michelangelo’s statue of David – if you chipped away the marble and just left the dick.

Shotgun Bridget McKenzie is a pin-up girl for all types. Her particular brand of smarm may be the product of her role as chair of the Parliamentary Friends of Shooting (that’s a real thing) and her award of Ivan Milat Achiever Of The Year (that’s not). Her vibe is ‘don’t cross the Bridget mixed with sweaty inflatable girlfriend. Her rationale for supporting the end of a habitable planet is likely just ‘cos I can’ ego wanking.

Contributing to the log jam in the gerbil maze that passes for coherence in the National Party is Keith ‘Cec’ Pitt whose grasp of economics is not so much Friedrich Hayek as John Frum. Cec’s input to the list of demands was $250B of taxpayers’ monies to invest in rustic carbon-generating boondoggles that even the corporate spiv mates avoided like an invite to Bridget’s hymen restoration.

Striving for ordinariness and failing to achieve even that modest goal¹ – ‘who is Keith Pitt’ you may ask. Fair enough – his most lasting impression was when he faceplanted into a snow drift. (¹I can’t attribute that wonderful quote as I can’t find who came up with it.)

Can I say to the honourable member, find me a solar panel that works in the dark.” – wait til he finds out than EVs can run at night, that windfarms don’t slow the rotation of the earth, or that guacamole is not a country in Central America.

A measure of Barking Barmy’s genius is that included in his list of demands was the return of Cec to cabinet – the very role that Barking fired him from just 4 months earlier. Please form an orderly queue to bang your head in the nearest door.

Watching Barking at a presser is a lesson in platinum grade self-delusion. He fronts the media with his hands clasped over his paunch, spouting yokel homilies and reciting the names of country towns he’s managed to memorise like a puce Geoff Mack rendition of I’ve Been Everywhere and showing off his greatest feat of self-discipline by not vomiting on his shoes while the cameras are rolling.

Barking is Gina Rinehart’s biggest deposit. The occupant of the second highest office in the land is serving as the coal and gas industries’ gofer. Barmy will deride the science from the back of a ute, dressed as a hay bail and shouting at clouds to play to his constituency of Kickatinalong town mayors, clay pigeon shooters, PornHub bingers and water thieves. While Scooter is in Glasgow avoiding Emmanuel Macron and pimping his pamphlets this disturbed souser will be acting Prime Minister.

“These academics have got to bugger off.”

David Littleproud, nominative determinist and Nat’s deputy.

 

This article was originally published on Grumpy Geezer.

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19 comments

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  1. Henry Rodrigues

    Well said and done Grumpy. Aptly and accurately described. What a bunch of wankers, these Nationals are. I loved every turn of phrase, though Barmy and his crazy fucking army, won’t think so. Keep it coming.

  2. Brad Black

    I think the next nationals party meeting should be arranged for them and to include greedy gina, captain smirk, a one way ticket to a small Pacific atoll, and add spud dutton for his sense of humour and great rising sea level jokes. Pre arranged cameras on the atoll could keep track of all the fun splashing about in the ocean at high tide and the ‘lord of the flies’ hilarity at low tide. How good would that reality show be?

  3. totaram

    “Can I say to the honourable member, find me a solar panel that works in the dark.”

    Anyone that knows any Physics knows that this is a bullshit argument

    Why don’t they respond:
    Find me a coal fired power station that works without coal.
    Find me a gas-fired power station that works without gas.
    Find me a hydro-electric station that works without water.

    So what is he trying to prove? Nothing, if you know some science. Every electricity generator works by converting some form of energy into electricity. If there is no input there will be no output. QED

    As for no generation at night, he has not heard of storage (reversible pumped hydro) or even Hydro scheduling to save water during Solar Panel peaks by not generating and to generating hydro when other sources are not generating. This has been known for a hundred years and just needs to be adjusted or refined.

    What troubles me is that no one in the “media” takes these morons up on it.

    The reason is no one really understands our technological civilisation, so they are easily bamboozled by the moneybags who control the media. Sad.

  4. Yes Minister

    I shudder to think of what kind of na-na’s voted for barmy baaaaanaby.

    IMO, that clown has more than a few roos loose in his top paddock, mind you the Captain has a similar problem, as do all cabinet members

  5. New England Cocky

    @Brad Black: An interesting television concept. But you may not be aware that the membership of the Nazional$ Party is so small that meetings are usually held in telephone boxes, hence the Nazional$ complaining that Telstra is cutting services to the bush by removing public telephone boxes.

    In the Upper Hunter bye-election about 22 Nazional$ Party members foisted one of their own upon the electorate of unthinking agricultural families and open cut coal miners without any plan for re-training miners to install and service the alternative energy systems that will be replacing the need for coal in electricity generation.

    Notice that the Nazional$ had no plan for supporting any of the 40,000 academics retrenched because the COALition misgovernment stuffed up university funding ….. for the past 25 years since the rise of LIttle Johnnie Howard the Self-Serving.

    Remember … NO R&D means NO ECONOMIC FUTURE.

    So, all that remains is to discover a way to determine that the actions of the Nazional$ in this climate change debate are actually terrorism and treachery against the best interests of Australian voters ….. and we may despatch the profligates off to life without trial on a Pacific Island atoll in the worst replica if the present Australian refugee policy.

  6. Ross

    Mr Geezer, science has put up a rational explanation to the implied question in your posts i.e. why do relatively sane people keep voting for a rabble of clearly certifiable, totally unsuitable dipsticks and bathplugs to federal parliament. Well scientists are warming to the theory that the vast amounts of toxic chemicals humanity spew’s into the environment are shrinking the human brain and making humans stupid.
    The theory obviously does not apply to those of us who frequent the AIM but it does tick a lot of the boxes.

  7. Roswell

    Bloody ripper, Grumpy. 😂

  8. Bronte ALLAN

    Great article, as usual Grumpy! This mob of flat earth, happy clapping, lying, sports rorts, car park rorts, Robo debt bullshit, lying (again!) Coalition of obscenely wealthy person toadying, Mudrakes mates, etc are at it still. WE cannot believe ANYTHING any of them spout, after all, it will ALL be lies in some form or the other!

  9. Bert

    I have a fairly eclectic turn of phrase when it comes to describing RWNJ’s and politicians from that field of politics but when it comes to the current so called government, words fail me.

    Grumpy, you come close to the description I’d use but don’t quite get there.

    Unfortunately and I don’t think anybody could encapsulate how much I actually hate this mongrel bred pack of c^$t’s.

  10. John O'Callaghan

    The art of genuine satire which also gives one a bona fide belly laugh is not dead as long as Grumpy is in charge of the quill……… This bloke is in the same league as John Clarke and is by far the best in Australia……. bloody great stuff…….

  11. Michael Taylor

    It’s official. Grumpy Geezer is liked by more people than Morrison and Joyce combined.

  12. Brozza

    Thanks for the many laughs Grumpy. Brilliant as usual.

  13. Max Gross

    Damn! How I wish I had wrtitten that! Vote #1 for Grumpy Geezer PM

  14. BB

    OMDog Grumpy, well written. It’s ironic to think there is more truth in satire than in reality.
    Excellent….

  15. Mark Shields

    Oh FFS, what can anyone add to GG’s magnificent analysis! When will we useless convicts wake up and realise that Royal Freedom doesn’t actually excuse you of your responsibility but requires you to build a new state; worthy of modern intellectual minds! If you are wiilling to raise your petty little attitudes; then maybe an intellectual group with philosophical arguments, might just make the dumbest of proletariats able to make a democratic party!

  16. Harry Lime

    GL, when Macron met Scooter from Le Marketing, he was heard to mutter “La Chatte odieux”

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