“Good afternoon, we have the Liberal Party spokesman for marketing and photo opportunities, Mr Farr Cup.”
“Good afternoon, pleasure to be here.”
“First off, how has the recent tension between the PM and Craig Kelly played out in the party room?”
“Ok, I reject the premise of your question, there is no tension. If you want to talk about tension ask me about the Labor Party and how they seem to be changing leaders at the drop of an opinion poll…”
“To be fair, they’ve only changed leader once since 2013.”
“Exactly. Why didn’t they stick with Bill, eh? Is it because they knew that he was unelectable because he never stays at home to build chook sheds?”
“He stood down when he lost the 2019 election, but I’d rather talk about this week’s events. There’s no lingering problem with Craig Kelly and his Facebook posts?”
“Look, I’m not going to comment on Craig Kelly’s posts because I haven’t seen them. I don’t comment on things I haven’t seen.”
“But didn’t you recently comment on a report you hadn’t read?”
“Are you suggesting that I shouldn’t be allowed to comment on that report? That’s the trouble with this country! It’s cancel culture gone mad. Rather than debating the issues people just want to shut things down and…”
“With due respect, I was just pointing out that while you were happy to comment on a report you hadn’t read, you’re refusing to comment on Craig Kelly’s posts because you haven’t seen them so that does seem a little inconsistent.”
“If you want to talk about inconsistencies, let’s talk about the Labor Party. They took all these policies to the last election and now they don’t want to talk about them just because nobody likes their leaders.”
”Moving on to the recent hotel quarantine outbreaks. There’s been a suggestion that the Federal Government should take charge of quarantine in order to have consistency…”
”Yes, well, those Labor states insisted on running their own quarantine so what can you do?”
”But wasn’t that because your government wasn’t doing anything?”
”On the contrary, we were focused on repaying Labor’s debt.”
”Haven’t we gone further into debt than we did under the GFC? And isn’t the debt larger than it’s ever been?”
“I don’t understand your point.”
”Anyway, what’s the government doing about quarantine?”
”I’m glad you asked. Scott Morrison has recently announced his intention to look at building a quarantine facility in Queensland.”
”Hang on, didn’t you say that this wasn’t feasible when the Queensland Premier suggested it?”
”Yes but she was suggesting an unused mining camp and what if the miners want to go back there and camp?”
”Whatever, wouldn’t be better to start using an existing facility rather than building one from scratch?”
”No, because there’s more bang for buck in building a new one.”
”You mean because of jobs?”
”No because we get to announce our intention to look at it, and then we get to announce our intention to build it, so there’s more than one announcement there.”
”And the third announcement when it actually happens?”
”What do you mean?”
”You get to announce the commencement of the building.”
”Why on earth would we need to build it? That’d just be a waste of money because by the time we get round to building it, there’ll be no need for it. We’ve got to start paying back Labor’s debt you know. I mean, we’ve got a lot of Back In Black mugs sitting around waiting to be sold when next announce that the Budget is back in surplus.”
”But that won’t be for decades.”
”On the contrary, we intend to announce it just before the next election.”
”You think you’ll have the Budget back in surplus by then?”
”Don’t be stupid. We’ll just announce that we’re on a trajectory that has the Budget back in surplus in the year 2025 thanks to the ten percent growth in the economy brought about by our superior economic management. By the time that hasn’t happened, we’ll have won two elections and nobody will even remember.”
“Just finally, China…”
”What about it? Do you want to talk about how we have to stand up to its growing influence?”
”No I wanted to ask about the hit to the economy from their boycott of our goods and how that’s likely to affect the growth you need to meet your projections.”
”Well, it’s good that you should be focused on how dangerous our dependence on China has become. I think we all know that it was that Chinese speaking, Communist spy which pushed us in this direction: Kevin Rudd! And if it wasn’t for him and Labor we wouldn’t have coal ships waiting to unload their cargo because if he’d has way we wouldn’t even be selling coal!”
”So what’s the plan to end the impasse with China?”
”We don’t want to end the impasse. We want to go to war so that we’ve got a justification for those submarines.”
“You want to go to war with China?”
”Well, not literally. We just want to sound like we need to be prepared and make everybody hate them so that we don’t cop the blame for the breakdown in relations.”
“Thank you, your time is up.”
”That’s what you thought last election, isn’t it? But you were wrong. Ha ha!”
”I mean the interview is over.”
”Oh.”
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