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Save Yourself Some Time: All The Coalition Interviews Ever Here!

“Good afternoon, we have the Liberal Party spokesman for marketing and photo opportunities, Mr Farr Cup.”

“Good afternoon, pleasure to be here.”

“First off, how has the recent tension between the PM and Craig Kelly played out in the party room?”

“Ok, I reject the premise of your question, there is no tension. If you want to talk about tension ask me about the Labor Party and how they seem to be changing leaders at the drop of an opinion poll…”

“To be fair, they’ve only changed leader once since 2013.”

“Exactly. Why didn’t they stick with Bill, eh? Is it because they knew that he was unelectable because he never stays at home to build chook sheds?”

“He stood down when he lost the 2019 election, but I’d rather talk about this week’s events. There’s no lingering problem with Craig Kelly and his Facebook posts?”

“Look, I’m not going to comment on Craig Kelly’s posts because I haven’t seen them. I don’t comment on things I haven’t seen.”

“But didn’t you recently comment on a report you hadn’t read?”

“Are you suggesting that I shouldn’t be allowed to comment on that report? That’s the trouble with this country! It’s cancel culture gone mad. Rather than debating the issues people just want to shut things down and…”

“With due respect, I was just pointing out that while you were happy to comment on a report you hadn’t read, you’re refusing to comment on Craig Kelly’s posts because you haven’t seen them so that does seem a little inconsistent.”

“If you want to talk about inconsistencies, let’s talk about the Labor Party. They took all these policies to the last election and now they don’t want to talk about them just because nobody likes their leaders.”

”Moving on to the recent hotel quarantine outbreaks. There’s been a suggestion that the Federal Government should take charge of quarantine in order to have consistency…”

”Yes, well, those Labor states insisted on running their own quarantine so what can you do?”

”But wasn’t that because your government wasn’t doing anything?”

”On the contrary, we were focused on repaying Labor’s debt.”

”Haven’t we gone further into debt than we did under the GFC? And isn’t the debt larger than it’s ever been?”

“I don’t understand your point.”

”Anyway, what’s the government doing about quarantine?”

”I’m glad you asked. Scott Morrison has recently announced his intention to look at building a quarantine facility in Queensland.”

”Hang on, didn’t you say that this wasn’t feasible when the Queensland Premier suggested it?”

”Yes but she was suggesting an unused mining camp and what if the miners want to go back there and camp?”

”Whatever, wouldn’t be better to start using an existing facility rather than building one from scratch?”

”No, because there’s more bang for buck in building a new one.”

”You mean because of jobs?”

”No because we get to announce our intention to look at it, and then we get to announce our intention to build it, so there’s more than one announcement there.”

”And the third announcement when it actually happens?”

”What do you mean?”

”You get to announce the commencement of the building.”

”Why on earth would we need to build it? That’d just be a waste of money because by the time we get round to building it, there’ll be no need for it. We’ve got to start paying back Labor’s debt you know. I mean, we’ve got a lot of Back In Black mugs sitting around waiting to be sold when next announce that the Budget is back in surplus.”

”But that won’t be for decades.”

”On the contrary, we intend to announce it just before the next election.”

”You think you’ll have the Budget back in surplus by then?”

”Don’t be stupid. We’ll just announce that we’re on a trajectory that has the Budget back in surplus in the year 2025 thanks to the ten percent growth in the economy brought about by our superior economic management. By the time that hasn’t happened, we’ll have won two elections and nobody will even remember.”

“Just finally, China…”

”What about it? Do you want to talk about how we have to stand up to its growing influence?”

”No I wanted to ask about the hit to the economy from their boycott of our goods and how that’s likely to affect the growth you need to meet your projections.”

”Well, it’s good that you should be focused on how dangerous our dependence on China has become. I think we all know that it was that Chinese speaking, Communist spy which pushed us in this direction: Kevin Rudd! And if it wasn’t for him and Labor we wouldn’t have coal ships waiting to unload their cargo because if he’d has way we wouldn’t even be selling coal!”

”So what’s the plan to end the impasse with China?”

”We don’t want to end the impasse. We want to go to war so that we’ve got a justification for those submarines.”

“You want to go to war with China?”

”Well, not literally. We just want to sound like we need to be prepared and make everybody hate them so that we don’t cop the blame for the breakdown in relations.”

“Thank you, your time is up.”

”That’s what you thought last election, isn’t it? But you were wrong. Ha ha!”

”I mean the interview is over.”

”Oh.”

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12 comments

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  1. TwainandHume

    Exactly.

  2. wam

    oh rossleigh, you wrote a sun shower with tears falling from a belly laugh.
    Perhaps it will inspire albo to utilise his given name and borrow some ears.

  3. Harry Lime

    I feel the strong presence of John Clarke.

  4. Josephus

    Agree. John Clarke lives; only wish I could laugh. This satire really is only one degree off the reality. Are these people, mega rich business folk or selfish officials and politicians , mostly morons or cunning clowns? Yes to all those who accept donations but NB smaller parties/independents do not…

    In a dictatorship satire is the only weapon left- oh hang on, we aren’t one, we just live inside a circus. A circus in which whistle blowers get prosecuted, not the criminals,I nearly forgot that.

    Tell those lies thinly disguised above to the refugees still stranded, to the homeless, to the blacks in prison for being drunk or rude, to assaulted women, to children taken away, killed or neglected, to the politicians in the pay of mines, water thieves and fossil fuel companies…

    A problem that I wrestle with though, is that the the air is rife with conspiracies, and I sound like a left wing one. I find this conundrum most distressing. Help please, anyone? Who is mad here, or driven mad? I suppose the answer is : evidence. Nonetheless I do feel I am going mad.

  5. Marcia

    Josephus, there are conspiracy theorists and there are conspiracy analysists. You come over as the latter. What if the media is letting the politicians get away with all the corruption so that when they pull the rug and expose it the destruction of the 2 party system is complete. It’ll happen when their alternative One Party replacement is good to go.

  6. Vikingduk

    Four king hell, Rossleigh, how dare you denigrate saint scotty of the sanctimonious smirk, after all, this steaming sack of shit, whoops, sorry, fine upstanding human, has a yuuugely big medal from cadet bonespurs of the us of a, also many responsibilities to shirk, community grants to rort, lies to tell, an economy to root, Craig Kelley’s balls to lick.

    Also, heard a rumour that the lying, pustulent pestilence will holiday with the member from Manila, in depth study of various strip joints, greasy spoons and cheap bars. Really, Rossleigh,this prime monster has many more standards to trash, character flaws to display, cruelties to enact, smirks to smirk. Why, the poor thing has had, as far as I know, two smirkectomies performed. All to keep us safe and secure, warm and cosy, cool and carefree. Smirks don’t come cheap ya know.

  7. Bert

    Rossleigh, this is too close to the truth for satire

  8. Kaye Lee

    “This satire really is only one degree off the reality.”

    Sadly, it is a very factual representation of what comes out of the collective Coalition mouth.

    Rossleigh always makes me feel really uncomfortable because it sounds ridiculous when reading it but you know it is, in fact, real. You could find those direct quotes in actual interviews. That IS how they speak.

    And yes, John Clarke would be proud.

  9. Phil Pryor

    It’s good to send up a faecal, frothy, fraudy, fantasy flubbery failure, Mr. Scott Laziliar, the Hawaii Harlot and dud deceiver, but who can laugh at the steady decline of a nation’s integrity, honesty, progress, justice, fairness, balance, environment, social awareness?

  10. New England Cocky

    Like they say Rossleigh, ”Many a true word is said in jest”. I am waiting for a genuine Phil Pryor commentary on the misdeeds of the COALiiton Murdoch marionettes.

  11. Phil Pryor

    Busy, distracted, diluted lately, Cocky, but, the current inner part of the government could meet, not in a cabinet, but in a colon…

  12. Josephus

    Just want to add that consensus is never worth a second’s attention. The 74 million who voted for the trumpery being a case in point. The nuns around 1640 in Loudon were possessed by demons, no doubt about it. That explanation was plausible because sexual hysteria was not part of the mental universe of the time. I have started to re read Conjectures and Refutations by Karl Popper. That work outlines the need to test, examine, consider contrary hypotheses. Science. Evidence. But humanity is not wise, and humanity will die warring over water or land. Nor need we hope that the giant lizards or flies that evolve millions of years hence and are able to reason and communicate will have any ethical sense at all. Nature has no moral purpose, as Spinoza wrote, being ostracised for his pains.

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