By Robert Stygall
Santa Claus (aka Father Christmas) was today arrested by Australian Border Force (ABF) officers. He was detained on his sled, whilst making an unauthorised entry into Australian territorial waters.
On being arrested, pictures of Santa Claus were shown extensively on news media. This prompted hundreds of women to accuse Santa Claus of past inappropriate behaviour, whilst sitting on his knee, as young girls. A consistent theme of the complaints was that Santa had whispered to the girls with a leering look and often wandering hands, “Have you been a good girl this year?” The hashtag “#OnHisKneeToo” has gone viral on social media.
A number of animal welfare agencies have previously lodged claims against Santa Claus citing cruelty to reindeer. It was rumoured that Santa provides his reindeer with Ice in order to keep them captive and submissive. A spokesperson for the RSPCA said with a wink when asked about these rumours, “well just look at the chief Reindeer, Rudolph, we all know how he got his Red Nose.”
Richard Di Natale, leader of the Greens, also criticised the use of reindeer by Father Christmas as another example of animal cruelty. ‘Also, Santa’s reindeer do a lot of, what I shall refer to as darting, producing a lot of methane and hence contributing to global warming.’ He said the time had come for Santa to convert to Solar-powered sleighs. When it was pointed out to Di Natale that the North Pole is in virtual darkness over the Christmas period, he replied that we could change Christmas to the middle of the Northern Summer, which would be ideal for Australians.
Federal Police also carried out a number of simultaneous raids on Santa’s helpers. All were found to have breached their 457 Work Visa requirements. Many of the Elves subsequently claimed they were de facto ‘Au Pairs’ for Santa and therefore entitled to an automatic extension of visa, as per previous precedents. Peter Dutton denied he was being sexist and heightist by denying Santa’s Little Helpers’ Au Pair status.
After further questioning, ABF officers confirmed that Santa Claus could not provide any proof of citizenship, of any country. Whilst claiming to be a North Pole national, he was unable to provide any documentation to support the claim.
Peter Dutton and Australian Border Force stated today “Santa Claus has been arrested and has been found to be Stateless. Subsequent investigations have also found Santa’s Helpers to be in the same category. We need to send a message to the rest of the world, that no matter how high profile a personality you are, you cannot enter Australia without a valid visa. Santa Claus and 45 of his helpers, will now be sent, somewhat appropriately, to Christmas Island where they will be processed by authorities.”
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Worldwide reaction to the news has been rapid. Donald Trump said he had always had his doubts about Santa, he later tweeted ‘Santa has been shown to be another of the many bad people crossing our borders – in future, we’ll have an American delivering Christmas presents to our children – from this Christmas onward – Captain America will take over the role – no more Made in China presents.’
Boris Johnson stated that given the UK was leaving Europe it seemed an appropriate time to replace Santa with a British option. ‘There are many members of the Royal Family ideally suited to this role, and anyone who believes in a hereditary monarchy will have no problem believing in Windsor Claus.’ Despite pictures emerging of Prince Andrew dressed in a Father Christmas outfit together with scantily clad Elf’s; the Palace insisted he would not be applying for the role of Windsor Claus.
President Putin said he would personally take over the role in Russia, to be known as Father Vlad. He would ride barebacked (literally), delivering presents. Ukraine declined offers to have presents delivered personally by him.
Scott Morrison has also issued the following statement “As you are now aware Santa Claus has been arrested and deported. I know this will come as a shock, in particular to younger Australians, but it is a small price to pay, in order to keep Australia’s borders secure. I have therefore taken the decision to appoint Tony Abbott as Special Envoy for Christmas. All Christmas letters normally sent to Santa should now be addressed to Tony.”
Tony later denied that he has been encouraging children to write ‘All I want for Christmas is for Tony to be PM again’ letters.
Anthony Albanese said, ‘If we are re-elected, we will propose a transgender option for Australia, Priscilla Claus’ with echoes of Gough he said ‘it’s time.’
The two Tamil children being held on Christmas Island, Kopika and Tharunicaa cheered wildly when told Santa Claus was going to Christmas Island. However, their cheers turned to tears when they were informed that Santa Claus (and his helpers), were, in fact, going as fellow detainees.
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