Actually, I’m not clairvoyant. I nearly had a relationship with a clairvoyant once, but she wisely decided not to meet me.
Anyway, using the power of reason and simple deduction, I can confidently tell you that these stories will appear in the media in February:
“TURNBULL ANNOUNCES INTENTION TO PURSUE TPP REGARDLESS”
In spite of all other eleven countries pulling out, Malcolm Turnbull has announced his intention to pursue the TPP. Branding Labor “obstructionist”, he complained that there was nothing standing in the way of a successful negotiation apart from Bill Shorten.
“We have every confidence that we can reach an agreement with ourselves and it’s only Bill Shorten and his Green mates that are stopping us from have a free trade agreement with Australia.” When asked what a free trade agreement would contain, Mr Turnbull said that details were confidential, but it was certainly something that would enable more people to do meaningful work enabling them to pay back any debts that they may owe Centrelink. “It’s ridiculous,” he said, “Labor and The Greens want to know what’s in the deal even before it’s written. One Nation, on the other hand, have shown themselves to be flexible and have told us that whatever we do is ok by them. No wonder, this country is going backwards when Bill Shorten is too gutless to just acquiesce and do whatever the government wants.”
“MUSLIM LINK TO TERRORIST THREAT”
A building displaying the billboard with the two Islamic girls wearing a headscarf was threatened with bombings and revenge attacks. “This is Australia,” wrote Eric Herring of 45 Trump Street, Hitler Hills, “and we shouldn’t have to put up with things like that! Either take down the billboard or we will!” When it was pointed out that the billboard had been removed shortly after Australia Day, Herring tweeted that this was a great victory for the common man.
The two girls on the billboard have been taken in for questioning over their role in this incident.
“TONY ABBOTT GIVES SPEECH SUPPORTING EVERYTHING THAT TRUMP IS DOING”
Tony Abbott says that it’s good to have a President who is actually doing things, while giving the keynote speech at the “Make America Great Again” society in Bertie county. After assuring everyone that this wasn’t meant to be a criticism of his own leader, he added that it was really, really good to be overseas telling people how he was happy just representing the people of Werr-i-was – or whatever his electorate is called. “No,” Tony Abbott told the assembled crowd of almost a dozen people, “I had my chance and I did brilliantly, I just wasn’t very good at telling people what a great leader I was, so it’s really, really good that you have a leader like Trump who’s learned to communicate and tell you all how awesome he is. If I’d learned that lesson early on, I’d probably still be PM, because I didn’t make any other mistakes.” He added that he knew that his time had come and gone and there was no chance of him being Prime Minister again, no matter how much the country needed it.
“CHRISTOPHER PYNE SAYS THAT HE’S STILL RELEVANT”
Christopher Pyne announced: “I’m still relevant.” When asked to elaborate, Pyne looked confused because nobody had ever asked him to do that before.
“NDIS IN TROUBLE”
As one of his first acts as Health Minister, Greg Hunt announced that in order to ensure that NDIS would be value for money, it would be taken over by Trump Health. “We all know that the private system runs things much better, that’s why we turned the TAFE system over to private providers,” he announced, before adding that the cost blowout because of Labor’s earlier decisions meant that the Medicare levy would need to be increased to 5% for those earning less than $100,000. When asked if he meant to say those earning more than $100,000, he replied that people like that already contributed enough in tax.
“CHRISTENSEN CALLS FOR CHANGES TO RACIAL VILIFICATION ACT”
George Christensen addressed a meeting of the “Give Australia Back To Australians By Deporting Muslims, Aborigines And Anybody Else Who Doesn’t Wear A Flag On Australia Day” and announced that if he forms a new party it will eliminate 18C and replace it with legislation supporting free speech by forbidding anybody from calling people “racist” or “homophobic”. He added that he had no plans to form a new party “just yet” as the Liberals were still doing what they were told, but they had been dragging their feet a bit with the whole 18C thing and he wasn’t sure how long he could wait to say what he really thinks about “certain people”.
“TRUMP TWEETS RESPONSE TO COMEDIAN AT TRY-OUT NIGHT WHO ATTEMPTED JOKE”
@realDonaldTrump: Dwayne Trout tried to make joke about me. Failed badly. He should stick to his day job. Will the…
@realDonaldTrump: place in New York that gave him a try-out give me equal time? Come to that will Twitter stop cut..
@realDonaldTrump: ing me off after 140 characters? I am President.
Mm, why do I suspect that sometime in February I’ll be wondering if maybe I am clairvoyant after all…
