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News For February 2017 (Because I’m Clairvoyant!)

Actually, I’m not clairvoyant. I nearly had a relationship with a clairvoyant once, but she wisely decided not to meet me.

Anyway, using the power of reason and simple deduction, I can confidently tell you that these stories will appear in the media in February:

“TURNBULL ANNOUNCES INTENTION TO PURSUE TPP REGARDLESS”

In spite of all other eleven countries pulling out, Malcolm Turnbull has announced his intention to pursue the TPP. Branding Labor “obstructionist”, he complained that there was nothing standing in the way of a successful negotiation apart from Bill Shorten.
“We have every confidence that we can reach an agreement with ourselves and it’s only Bill Shorten and his Green mates that are stopping us from have a free trade agreement with Australia.” When asked what a free trade agreement would contain, Mr Turnbull said that details were confidential, but it was certainly something that would enable more people to do meaningful work enabling them to pay back any debts that they may owe Centrelink. “It’s ridiculous,” he said, “Labor and The Greens want to know what’s in the deal even before it’s written. One Nation, on the other hand, have shown themselves to be flexible and have told us that whatever we do is ok by them. No wonder, this country is going backwards when Bill Shorten is too gutless to just acquiesce and do whatever the government wants.”

“MUSLIM LINK TO TERRORIST THREAT”

A building displaying the billboard with the two Islamic girls wearing a headscarf was threatened with bombings and revenge attacks. “This is Australia,” wrote Eric Herring of 45 Trump Street, Hitler Hills, “and we shouldn’t have to put up with things like that! Either take down the billboard or we will!” When it was pointed out that the billboard had been removed shortly after Australia Day, Herring tweeted that this was a great victory for the common man.
The two girls on the billboard have been taken in for questioning over their role in this incident.

“TONY ABBOTT GIVES SPEECH SUPPORTING EVERYTHING THAT TRUMP IS DOING”

Tony Abbott says that it’s good to have a President who is actually doing things, while giving the keynote speech at the “Make America Great Again” society in Bertie county. After assuring everyone that this wasn’t meant to be a criticism of his own leader, he added that it was really, really good to be overseas telling people how he was happy just representing the people of Werr-i-was – or whatever his electorate is called. “No,” Tony Abbott told the assembled crowd of almost a dozen people, “I had my chance and I did brilliantly, I just wasn’t very good at telling people what a great leader I was, so it’s really, really good that you have a leader like Trump who’s learned to communicate and tell you all how awesome he is. If I’d learned that lesson early on, I’d probably still be PM, because I didn’t make any other mistakes.” He added that he knew that his time had come and gone and there was no chance of him being Prime Minister again, no matter how much the country needed it.


“CHRISTOPHER PYNE SAYS THAT HE’S STILL RELEVANT”

Christopher Pyne announced: “I’m still relevant.” When asked to elaborate, Pyne looked confused because nobody had ever asked him to do that before.

“NDIS IN TROUBLE”

As one of his first acts as Health Minister, Greg Hunt announced that in order to ensure that NDIS would be value for money, it would be taken over by Trump Health. “We all know that the private system runs things much better, that’s why we turned the TAFE system over to private providers,” he announced, before adding that the cost blowout because of Labor’s earlier decisions meant that the Medicare levy would need to be increased to 5% for those earning less than $100,000. When asked if he meant to say those earning more than $100,000, he replied that people like that already contributed enough in tax.


“CHRISTENSEN CALLS FOR CHANGES TO RACIAL VILIFICATION ACT”

George Christensen addressed a meeting of the “Give Australia Back To Australians By Deporting Muslims, Aborigines And Anybody Else Who Doesn’t Wear A Flag On Australia Day” and announced that if he forms a new party it will eliminate 18C and replace it with legislation supporting free speech by forbidding anybody from calling people “racist” or “homophobic”. He added that he had no plans to form a new party “just yet” as the Liberals were still doing what they were told, but they had been dragging their feet a bit with the whole 18C thing and he wasn’t sure how long he could wait to say what he really thinks about “certain people”.

“TRUMP TWEETS RESPONSE TO COMEDIAN AT TRY-OUT NIGHT WHO ATTEMPTED JOKE”

@realDonaldTrump: Dwayne Trout tried to make joke about me. Failed badly. He should stick to his day job. Will the…

@realDonaldTrump: place in New York that gave him a try-out give me equal time? Come to that will Twitter stop cut..

@realDonaldTrump: ing me off after 140 characters? I am President.

Mm, why do I suspect that sometime in February I’ll be wondering if maybe I am clairvoyant after all…

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14 comments

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  1. Carol Taylor

    Question: how would Abbott know about “doing things” in order to recognise that Trump is “doing things”?

  2. Rossleigh

    I could answer that, but it may be considered:

    1. Libellous
    2. Sexist
    3. Pretty damn funny…

  3. etnorb

    I knew you would write about these “important” topics! Well written as usual!

  4. roma guerin

    Thank you Rossleigh. A bellylaugh, a long time coming.

  5. keertidalley

    when will the second american revolution start? when will trump be assassinated?

  6. MichaelW

    Many a true word said in jest.

  7. Kronomex

    That photo of Abbott at the top of the article is in fact the Mad Monk showing that, apart from climate change being nonsense, that gravity is nonsense as well by levitating backwards to join them on the truck.

    “CHRISTOPHER PYNE SAYS THAT HE’S STILL RELEVANT”
    What really happened is that Pyne (thick as a plank of) while standing in the lobby of a building misheard the word “elaborate” as “elevate” and entered a lift only to realise what was actually said as the doors closed. That’s why he was confused.

  8. keerti

    when they were giving out brains, he thought they said trains and he missed!

  9. Annie B

    Sitting here chuckling hard enough to produce a few tears. ( of laughter that is ). Such a funny article, but as always with lotsa truths hidden in it.

    Had a slightly different idea as to what the photo showed, but Kronomex took the cake on that description. As for Pyne – I prefer to opine not.

    Did anyone notice Abbott is wearing a red tie in the photo – what happened to the forever-blue tie ? Perhaps he forgot, in the fog of his morning dress routine, which party he was formerly leader of ? Or was he hoping his mates in the back-ground there, might think more kindly of him – – one day.

    🙂

  10. rossleighbrisbane

    Flicking through Facebook, I’m finding impossible to tell the Donald Trump satire from the “real news”! I wonder how this one’ll look in a months time.

  11. Kyran

    Channelling Nostradamus again? America used to have the “Village People” and is now governed by the “Village Idiot”. Ironically, the ‘idiot’ is trashing everything the ‘people’ once aspired to.
    Not to be outdone, our ‘deer leader’ is doing the work of two men. ‘Zig’ and ‘Zag’. He appears to have finally grasped he is surrounded by clowns and his only prospect of survival is how well he zigs and zags.
    Keating was recently quoted as saying something along the lines of “We need to clean the bugs off the back windscreen, we are reversing so fast.”.
    When satire and prophecy are likely to become the same thing, you have what is likely to be considered the safest job in the country.
    Thank you, Mr Brisbane. Take care

  12. Rossleigh

    An interesting point!

    How to Make America’s Robots Great Again!

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