Interviewer – Good morning, today marks a fresh start for Mr Rabbit, and after his in interview with us before his election, we thought it was time for a follow-up. Good morning, Mr Rabbit.
Mr. Rabbit – Good morning.
Interviewer – It’s been a rough time for you just lately, hasn’t it?
Mr Rabbit – Look, ah … I … never said that it would be easy, but overall, I think we’ve been pretty successful. We’ve removed the tax on animal droppings and we’ve stopped the goats.
Interviewer -Yes, but you still haven’t introduced your Direct Excrement Plan, where you pay larger animals to pick up their own droppings.
Mr Rabbit – We have a plan to do that, so it’s all under control.
Interviewer – Aren’t you concerned about all the excrement that’ll be produced while you get your plan up?
Mr Rabbit – On the contrary, excrement is a sign that the farm is working well, and anyway, this farm only produces a small amount of the excrement in the world.
Interviewer – Some are saying that you don’t actually believe that excrement causes problems, and they’re citing your “Excrement science is crap!” statement to suggest that you’re not really serious…
Mr Rabbit – If I could just interrupt you there, that statement was taken out of context.
Interviewer – So what was the context?
Mr Rabbit – The context was that I thought I was with people who wouldn’t report it.
Interviewer – Moving on to your stopping the goats…
Mr Rabbit – Yes, we’ve been very successful, only one goat has made it to the farm since we introduced our turn back the goats policy.
Interviewer – If we no longer have goats arriving, why can’t the goats we’re holding in the abattoir be released into the community?
Mr Rabbit – Because it would send the wrong signal and undermine our policy and just start the illegal entries again.
Interviewer – But if you’re turning them back what’s the problem?
Mr Rabbit – These goats have come here illegally!
Interviewer – Some would say that there’s an inconsistency with your policy of strong fences when it comes to goats, but you’re happy to reduce requirements on the 457 animals.
Mr Rabbit – The 457 animals are just here temporarily to fill in the areas where we have no animals in that can fill a particular role.
Interviewer – But some of the roles seem a bit strange. I mean, there are stories of chickens and pigs coming in, when we have plenty of our own.
Mr Rabbit – Well, many of our hens aren’t capable of laying eggs, so we’ve brought in some specialist roosters who’ve just been cleaning up the yard while we wait for them to settle in to an egg laying routine.
Interviewer – And the pigs?
Mr Rabbit – The pigs are all on a fly in, fly out basis, in areas where we can’t get our animals to go.
Interviewer – It’s been alleged that some pigs aren’t flying anywhere.
Mr Rabbit – That’s not my understanding.
Interviewer – Onto the repair of the leaky barn, Joe Hoggey’s told everyone before the election that you’d have the barn fixed in no time, yet now he’s saying that it may be ten years before he stops the leaks.
Mr Rabbit – Well, you can blame Kevin Rooster’s mob for the leaky barn, and now they’re trying to sabotage our repair by stopping us from using the sick animals to hold down the loose boards.
Interviewer – They’re suggesting that – apart from being unfair to use the sick animals this way – this wouldn’t solve the basic problem, which is that the farm needs to make enough money to replace the loose boards.
Mr Rabbit – We all have to do our bit. Even the sick animals … I mean, looking after them till they get better is a nice idea, but we can’t afford that.
Interviewer – Of course, Mr Hoggey’s comments that there’s a tortoise somewhere in the world that’ll live to be 350 didn’t help matters.
Mr Rabbit – Mr Hoggey was just making the point that we need to ensure that – as we’re all living longer – then we need to things that ensure we have a quality of life when we’re older.
Interviewer – How is sitting on a barn a good quality of life?
Mr Rabbit – I’d think that animals would b just happy to contribute.
Interviewer – And finally, we need to address the elephant in the room.
Mr Rabbit – There is no elephant in the room, that’s just one or two animals making up a story…
Interviewer – Apparently, Miss Takesaplenty seems to be having too much influence, and this has led to speculation that there may be a challenge to your leadership.
Mr Rabbit – No, I think you’ll find that we’re all content, and everybody’s happy with the job I’m doing.
Interviewer – But the suggestion is that Mr Bull and Ms Peahen want to replace you, and have been actively canvassing the other animals.
Mr Rabbit – What makes you say that? Mr Bull is happy with his bull role, and Ms Peahen is more than happy just strutting round telling other farms the way things are.
Interviewer- But even Mr Fox’s helpers are being critical of you, which tends to suggest that Rupert Fox himself is worried that you’re a one term animal.
Mr Rabbit – Mr Fox assures me that he’s right behind everything I’ve done.
Interviewer – With respect, he’s concerned about the things you haven’t done. Even Andrew Boar is pointing out your faults.
Mr Rabbit – I have a plan.
Interviewer – Can we see it?
Mr Rabbit – I’ll show you closer to the election.
Interviewer – The election’s already happened, Mr Rabbit.
Mr Rabbit – Yes, but we have another one coming up in a year or so!
Interviewer – Well, how much closer to the election can we see it?
Mr Rabbit – Ah… probably anything from three weeks to six months … after the next election. I mean, if we release it before the election, there’s a strong chance that animals may not vote for us.
Interviewer – You’re out of time, Mr Rabbit.
Mr Rabbit – No, I’m not! Mr Fox assured me that I had until March …
Interviewer – I meant for the interview. Thanks, Mr Rabbit. Till the next time.
Mr Rabbit – Oh, right. Yes. It’s been a pleasure.
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