Dear Malcolm,

Last year you were voted captain even though everybody knows that Tony’s really the best person to be junior school captain because he’s really good at sport and you’re just a nerd who sucks up to people, so don’t think that just because we’re writing to you that it means that we think you’re in charge or anything.

We’ve collected signatures on a petition asking you to demand that the teachers stop telling us that we can’t bully people who are different. We don’t like it when people tell us that it’s all right to be different because this is Australia and a free country and we have the right to bully people and if we don’t want certain kids in the class we should be allowed to call them names until they burst into tears and go home so that we don’t have to put up with them.

We managed to get 31 signatures on the petition and there would have been more but somebody lost it for a while, but it’s all OK, because it’s been found again and we’re going to ask the teachers to sign it too and if they don’t, well, we’ll know that they’re the sort of teachers who we can’t respect and who should be sacked because they are trying to impose what me dad told me was a “gay Marxist agenda” on everyone.

We know that you asked somebody to have a look at the anti-bullying thing and that they said that it was basically OK, but that just shows that they’re the sort of person who shouldn’t have been chosen because they got it wrong. We want you to stop everything until we can meet with each other and decide that it should be stopped forever and that we were right in the first place. And we don’t think that anyone who disagrees with us should be listened to because they’re the sort of people whose opinion is wrong.

Tony’s signed it too and you wouldn’t want to make Tony angry because he’s been so nice to you since you became school captain. He could have given you a wedgie or a Chinese burn, but instead he said,”Malcolm’s the captain now and even though he’s making stupid decisions we should give him all the support he deserves and I’m going to hang around over here next to the monkey bars and not look for a fight.” He brought us a cake and we formed a gang and called it the Monkey Bar Pod. He said that he was just going to stay out of the way and just hang with his gang and you know that Tony means what he says and even though he said that he would have been able to overcome the trouble he was in and by the end of the year, he would have been made captain again because his uncle Rupert thinks he’s an awesome kid and the people running the canteen liked the fact that he was helping them sell whatever kids wanted because we shouldn’t restrict people’s choice so they were going to hand out free lollies and fizzy drinks to help him get elected and maybe even cigarettes.

Anyway, if you don’t agree to this then you’ll make Tony angry and he’ll probably get up in the school assembly when you’re meant to be speaking and say that he’s not going to fight you because you’re too weak and he promised that he wouldn’t, and you’ll just look like you’re too chicken to fight him and you’ll have to stay away from the monkey bars and our gang will rule.

So you better do what we say if you want to stay captain. Not that it means anything because Tony is much better than you and we really like him because he’s a man and you’re not.

Yours,
George and Cory.

P.S. Bill keeps calling us names. Can you make him stop?