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We Have A Petition And All The Kids Have Signed It Even Tony…

Dear Malcolm,

Last year you were voted captain even though everybody knows that Tony’s really the best person to be junior school captain because he’s really good at sport and you’re just a nerd who sucks up to people, so don’t think that just because we’re writing to you that it means that we think you’re in charge or anything.

We’ve collected signatures on a petition asking you to demand that the teachers stop telling us that we can’t bully people who are different. We don’t like it when people tell us that it’s all right to be different because this is Australia and a free country and we have the right to bully people and if we don’t want certain kids in the class we should be allowed to call them names until they burst into tears and go home so that we don’t have to put up with them.

We managed to get 31 signatures on the petition and there would have been more but somebody lost it for a while, but it’s all OK, because it’s been found again and we’re going to ask the teachers to sign it too and if they don’t, well, we’ll know that they’re the sort of teachers who we can’t respect and who should be sacked because they are trying to impose what me dad told me was a “gay Marxist agenda” on everyone.

We know that you asked somebody to have a look at the anti-bullying thing and that they said that it was basically OK, but that just shows that they’re the sort of person who shouldn’t have been chosen because they got it wrong. We want you to stop everything until we can meet with each other and decide that it should be stopped forever and that we were right in the first place. And we don’t think that anyone who disagrees with us should be listened to because they’re the sort of people whose opinion is wrong.

Tony’s signed it too and you wouldn’t want to make Tony angry because he’s been so nice to you since you became school captain. He could have given you a wedgie or a Chinese burn, but instead he said,”Malcolm’s the captain now and even though he’s making stupid decisions we should give him all the support he deserves and I’m going to hang around over here next to the monkey bars and not look for a fight.” He brought us a cake and we formed a gang and called it the Monkey Bar Pod. He said that he was just going to stay out of the way and just hang with his gang and you know that Tony means what he says and even though he said that he would have been able to overcome the trouble he was in and by the end of the year, he would have been made captain again because his uncle Rupert thinks he’s an awesome kid and the people running the canteen liked the fact that he was helping them sell whatever kids wanted because we shouldn’t restrict people’s choice so they were going to hand out free lollies and fizzy drinks to help him get elected and maybe even cigarettes.

Anyway, if you don’t agree to this then you’ll make Tony angry and he’ll probably get up in the school assembly when you’re meant to be speaking and say that he’s not going to fight you because you’re too weak and he promised that he wouldn’t, and you’ll just look like you’re too chicken to fight him and you’ll have to stay away from the monkey bars and our gang will rule.

So you better do what we say if you want to stay captain. Not that it means anything because Tony is much better than you and we really like him because he’s a man and you’re not.

George and Cory.

P.S. Bill keeps calling us names. Can you make him stop?

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  1. susan

    I wonder who leaked this letter? Christopher Pyne probably.

  2. Gangey1959

    Reallly scarey thing. I agreed with prissy chrissy today. I was actually happy with what he said.
    Is there something wrong with me, or is there something REALLY BAD about what george christensen and his mates are trying to do ?

  3. lawrencewinder

    Lovely analysis of what a cabal of putrid mongrel low-lives exist in the ruling rabble!

  4. Kaye Lee

    February was not the first time Coalition parliamentarians raised objections to the Safe Schools program in their party room. But when Nationals Barry O’Sullivan and George Christensen and Liberal Cory Bernardi previously waved Safe Schools material around in the closed-door meeting and said they couldn’t believe it was being federally-funded, Tony Abbott was prime minister. The then education minister, Christopher Pyne, dismissed the call, saying the government didn’t as a rule trash funding agreements already in place. And nothing more was said.

    But now Abbott has signed the petition against the program and publicly called for its defunding. (Christensen and Bernardi say it has resurfaced now because “more information has come to light” which is a neatly circular argument since it is them and their fellow conservative objectors who have been spruiking the new “information”.)

  5. Matters Not

    Turnbull touched the ‘tar baby’. ?

    Poor ‘judgement’ once again.

  6. RichardU

    Are we ever going to know who\w the petition signatories are? The people they represent are entitled to know.

  7. SGB

    Its come to this
    We have a leader who is not” the leader’ and has a number of followers and ‘the leader’ who seems to have numerous follows who are not helping ‘the leader’ do any actual leading!

    And ‘the leader’ is being lead by the followers of the leader who is not ‘the leader’, but ‘the leader’ actually appointed the followers of the leader of those followers!
    We all thought it strange, but perhaps he did that in order for them to ensure that as ‘the leader’ he would be on a position to follow the policies of the leader of those followers!

    See quite straight forward realy

  8. Backyard Bob


    It’s not like that at all. You see, the leaders not leading are following the leaders not leading so to lead the non leaders to lead the non leading leaders, which leaves the leaders of both non and other leaders to lead their respective leaders or non leaders to lead or non lead. However – deep breath – in the event that a leader but not a non leader should denote lead there will be a leadership spill to first determine which leader non lead in order for the leader to determine the leadership to make a leadership person lead.

    Then they’ll be a tea break. With scones. Pumpkin. And Jam. Butter is optional.

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