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Dud’s Army

The make-over of FauxMo, a disaster recovery project, has been overtaken by circumstance. After his facile daggy dad routine was found to be not fit for purpose in the face of a crisis a revised personal brand was no doubt being worked on by the empathy consultants and image managers.

But a comprehensive and coherent national response to a virulent pandemic leaves no time for a re-branding. Or does it?

Wait, there it is … the practised choke in the voice, the wiping away of a tear. Unfunded empathy, albeit feigned, has been plucked from the disposable principles bin to serve the greater good – the resurrection of Scotty PM, V5.0.

Unfair? Too cynical? If it was anybody but Morrison perhaps so, but we have here the master cynic and spinmeister, the leader of a cynical party that divides through invented fears to rule as they see fit. Now that we are confronted by a valid fear, one not of their own fabrication, FauxMo and the Tories were caught flat-footed. Weeks of denial, prevarication and incompetence left the country exposed.

Panicked into action, FauxMo and Co. have seen their beloved lifters-and-leaners feudalistic #Mefirst ideology founder, as useful as a concrete lifejacket. I won’t lie – the schadenfreude of watching the rampaging, free-marketeers scramble for the sanctuary of the socialist lifeboat has brightened the gloom a tad and there’s some small promise of a better society and a greener planet once the pandemic has passed.

But through it all Brother Scotty has maintained his Mammonite’s faith in his elitist god, the dispenser of wealth and privilege to the deserving. He’s spent time on his knees and on Zoom to check in with the Big Guy; he’s not surrendered his core beliefs. Is the Corona virus his god’s test for him and his like to rebuild new and improved means to serve the interests of the righteous rich?

Should this be so he’ll need a marketing strategy and Flim-Flam Man will need a new persona to pull it off. Chubby, pie-stained, smirking dickhead won’t cut the mustard.

There’s BroSco’s role model, Deranged Donny, who in his lucid moments is merely moronic. Mr Tangerine Man could blame syphilitic dementia or hairspray poisoning for his current psychopathy but his criminality and greed are life-long characteristics. Rumpled Thin Skin, a 150kg freezerpack of congealed hamburger grease with a spray-painted complexion applied from the exhaust fan of a Cheetos factory is a joyless, friendless, habitual liar and monosyllabic goon who, with his demon spawn, has never seen a grift he shouldn’t graft, a charity he shouldn’t steal from nor a child labour force he shouldn’t exploit.

Trump’s cloistered privilege manifests itself in a weakness for ostentatious, gold-plated, dictator kitsch as narcissistic displays of wealth and power, his fawning obsequiousness to despots is paired with a disdain for the disenfranchised and powerless yet there is a real prospect that, heart attack or criminal charges aside, he’ll get a second term. Fat Donny and his crime spree is looked upon admiringly by many of our RWNJs – they see a test case for their own proclivities. FauxMo sees a populist hero. Despite Morrison’s fawning even he will see the lack of appeal of a Trump-lite in the face of a crisis.

Boris Johnson, the rumpled defective currently squatting at 10 Downing Street, may get into knife fights for the cheap haircuts but he does have the toff background and scholarly knowledge to lend a jot of credibility to the Churchillian delusions he’d adopted with his treatment of Brexit as his Battle of Britain, but it’s a bridge too far from The Shire to the war rooms of Whitehall for our second-rate ad man. Gravitas to BroSco is what he puts on his chips at Maccas so the British Bulldog theme is not credible.

So, another bespoke personal brand is called for.

Serious, take charge leader seems like the appropriate option for FauxMo to recover from the poor look of his cowardly Hawaiian decamping holiday, his partying at Kirribilli to a backdrop of bushfire smoke and his embarrassingly risible photo ops amidst the charred remains of people’s lives.

Despite the newfound, if belated, solemnity with the virus’s arrival, the real Morrison is still there. The facile slogans (“Australians being Australian”, “the Anzac spirit”), the hokey homilies, the condescending tone, the avoidance of scrutiny, the religiosity. The smirk still breaks through to remind us of the arrogance of this prick who’s more Captain Mainwaring than Winston Churchill.

FauxMo hasn’t changed, his elitist right-wing ideology has not changed and neither has that of the crime cartel working undercover as Tory MPs. Morrison’s capture by the mining lobby is complete with his call to Nev Power, ex-CEO of Fortescue Metals Group to head a Corona virus task force (“I said Nev, I said love, I said pet”). Nev has no knowledge of epidemiology; his expertise is digging huge holes in the ground and sacking people.

The institutions that underpin a fair and functioning democracy are still on their shit list – unions, the ABC, the CSIRO, Medicare and Centrelink have all demonstrated their value during the pandemic. The Tory attacks upon them will be resumed over time if we allow it – FauxMo has said he wants things to return things to “normal”. The Lib’s agenda has been put on hold, it will be resumed camouflaged as recovering from the crisis.

Climate change, a greater threat than the virus, will be sacrificed in the name of “economic recovery”. Mining will be accelerated, safeguards dispensed with, the environment will be exploited as never before. Democratic oversight will not be fully restored. Rules limiting the number of people allowed to gather will be used to silence dissent. The sports rorts crimes will be brushed aside as unimportant. Accountability for the Ruby Princess debacle will be dodged. The incompetence of Stewart Robert and the dodginess of Angus Taylor will be swept under the carpet. Franking credits and tax cuts have already been ruled as sacrosanct. The spivs and grifters are working on their disaster capitalism business plans as we speak.

The positive steps that have been taken have a lifespan of 6 months, yet the negative aspects have no sunset clauses. Drought, fires, the virus and next up … a plague of profiteering locusts.

I hope I’m wrong. I fear I’m not.

This article was originally published on The Grumpy Geezer.


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  1. New England Cocky

    GG, Another gem of journalistic endeavour with your accurate delightful descriptions of our self-serving elected politicians and their strategies for ensuring on-going access to the Parliamentary Allowances Scheme. But I must protest your defamation of locusts.

  2. Geoff Andrews


  3. Baby Jewels

    Ohhhh, Fauxmo’s good at it. But yeah…nah.

  4. Kronomex

    Grumpy, I get the distinct impression that you don’t like Scummo Morriscum and Emperor Donut the Fat. Then again I might have just misread your article.

  5. Phil Pryor

    To have as a P M, a Prehistoric Moron, is bad enough; the anus lives in world of superstitious fantasy that never existed, so he and fellow idiots make up laws, rules, beliefs, dogma and doctrine to suit imperious, supremacist, righteous, triumphal upyourownarsery. A failed fraud of advertising is not fit to clean dunnies, let alone posture up to run a nation. Poxed Political perverts STINK.

  6. Jack sprat

    Climate change will effect the young a lot more than the older wealthier generation so little or token action taken to prevent it . The carona virus will effect the wealthier older generation a lot more than the young , so massive action taken . Growing up in the 60’s there was much talk about the generation gap,l am afraid we have not progressed and my generation has become what we set out to destroy .

  7. Grumpy Geezer

    Kronomex, you picked up the subtle subtext then. 🙂

  8. Pagnol

    In the face of the tsunami of praise soon to be spun by the MSM haling our PM as “ the leader that got us through it”, Mr Geezer provides balance and perspective. Lest we forget.

  9. whatever

    The various Premiers, especially the LNP variety, appear to be unimpressed with the leadership of Scotty. They regularly announce their own plans for dealing with the emergency.

  10. Ross

    Does anybody really think things will just go back to the way they were when this pandemic ends?
    That a government with a one seat majority and a major recession on its hands can somehow do a giant u-turn and return to the niggardly Newstart and drop all other social payment increases after six or even twelve months of their so called generosity.
    That would be political suicide, we can only hope they are that stupid.

  11. Vikingduk

    Yes and yes, Ross. They’re working on the post virus script now, one of the reasons to temporarily? end democracy, 4 month’s break, time enough to prepare the script to appeal to our fighting spirit, remember Gallipoli, the Anzacs, Kokoda, Alemein, true blue ozzies having a go to get a go, tighten our belts, hard times coming, not only paying off Labor’s debt but also our unlimited generosity in protecting us mighty ozzies in the face of the killer virus. They’ll remind us they are the superior economic wizards and that Labor will, of course, increase this debt, giving us a mega stupendous, gigantic black hole, debt and deficit disaster, of absolutely mind boggling proportions.

    By that time, a brand new fire season will intrude, a cyclone here, monsoonal rains there, corruption and cruelty and mean spirited arseholes will flourish.

    All presented by our very own messiah from the shire, the sanctimonious smirking jerk, who will, no doubt, require a smirkectomy to repair the severely strained current smirk. Him and josh the fraud, a pair of good ol’ boys. How good’s this they say, on re-election night, fooled the effwits again.

  12. Kronomex

    VikingdukApril 3, 2020 at 5:11 pm

    Don’t forget that they will almost certainly try and lay ALL the blame on Labor. If they lose the next election, and who is to say we won’t be The People’s Pentacostal Democratic Party of ‘straya before that date ever arrives, they will suffer within hours a massive party wide case of selective amnesia and immediately start in on Labor.

  13. wam

    The photograph is a perfect with your words grump. He is a dud, an inept religious twit.
    He may be in the realm of an aurther lowe and bill pertwee combo but with unlimited cash (thanks chrissy) he will be on the lnp pedestle with the fat warmonger., pig-iron bob and the lying rodent
    As an amercophobe I love trump his words miss his ears as they spill to the earth like wanker’s semen. I hope he is the man most needed in america to mobilise the young who may actually begin to drain the capital hill swamp????

    ps no fat in climate change jack???

  14. Lawrence S. Roberts

    Don’t crack jokes about our elected dictator. We are stuck with him for more than 3 years. The people behind him who anointed him well before his ascendency, who changed the party rules as a first stroke so he cannot be rolled and aren’t his cabinet pissed off that they are not part of the Junta!
    The make-up of his kitchen cabinet says it all. Australia one big hole in the ground with no beaches. Gina’s workforce will be lucky to get $2 a day. It will be cheaper to mine for ore with teaspoons.

  15. Kaye Lee

    I am really looking forward to their next election campaign.

    We stopped the boats will be a hard sell. Labor’s debt and deficit disaster is also out. Spending like a drunken sailor won’t work. We created 1 million jobs? I think not. No more 29 years of growth.

    Pretty much all they will have is we will cut taxes and that is going to look pretty bad when the ratings agencies cut our credit rating.

    And as someone else mentioned, winding back increased payments ain’t as easy as it sounds.

    What will they have left? We prayed for rain and it came?

  16. Michael Taylor

    Kaye, I’m going with what Carol just said in discussion:

    They’ll do a John Howard and go with the “safe pair of hands” or “strong leadership” waffle.

    We got you through the fires! We got you through the coronavirus! (If they ever do).

    Already the media is fawning over Morrison, comparing him to wartime leaders like Curtin. Geez, my Dad would turn in his grave if he heard that.

  17. Harry Lime

    F*ck me, after the Grumpy’s usual hilarious dissection of the pathetic Liar and his toadies, and the enlightening comments here ,I’m almost ready to rejoin the human race.But not quite yet.This current brouhaha has a way to run yet,and despite the evil plans of Shithead Morrison and his puppeteers,things may not go according to schedule.History is on our side in that self satisfied know all’s always outsmart themselves.I never imagined that I would be an unwitting player in a Shakespearean farce,but ,I must admit, it’s quite entertaining.

  18. Brozza

    Pagnol – one of my workmates said the other day that “Morrisons doing a good job isn’t he with the way he’s handling this coronavirus. Imagine all that pressure he must be under”.
    I gave him a stare of incredulity for at least 5 seconds before responding with “What!!!!, you’re far-ken serious, aren’t you?”
    He looked confused with my response.
    I shook my head and went back to what I was doing.

    I believe he gets ALL his news from commercial tv and radio.

  19. Matters Not

    A ‘crisis’ provides designated political leaders the opportunity to wipe clean the slate re past misdemeanours and also post better poll figures. Morrison is doing both. Has good reason to believe in miracles.

  20. wam

    Good one , brozza, smirko has the shining armour and albo has lost the chance on debt because the GFC is small potatoes and who do you trust to recover???
    As for cash kaye there is no limit on cash and no need to explain give give jacqui and phon a gift and redacting is easy peasy

  21. Matters Not

    A good article by Tingle this morning pointing out some of the radical changes on the political and economic landscape.

    an extraordinary thing to do, a much needed and good thing to do in the circumstances. And it obviously represented a huge break in the thinking of a conservative government … we shouldn’t kid ourselves what a huge structural change in the budget it will represent. … This isn’t on a scale that can addressed by simply cutting back programs you don’t like as a Government.

    Morrison is a formidable politician – a firm believer in whatever it takes. Will be hard to shift. Depending, of course, on how he handles this ‘mess’ but he’s off to a flying start.

  22. Vikingduk

    Kaye Lee awaits the next election drivel, whilst I await the next disaster that will finish ripping this foul construct to shreds. Yes, Kronomex, assuredly Labor’s fault. The deified motormouth, the messiah from shire, will be pictured with the hint of a halo, our saviour, saint snot of lies smirking face will be beaming at us constantly, billboards, fridge magnets, plays, movies. As we don our brown shirts, step in unison to the town square, the compulsory weekly patriotism rally, all heil our glorious saviour.

    GG, the best Donny orange descriptor yet, bloody bewdy, rumple thin skin.
    Great read.

  23. wam

    Good one matters
    Lying, cheating even killing for god always was acceptable, especially if disingenuously, kept from the sheep..
    The rabbott was not very good at godspeak but he is a pellboy and old school but smirko is a new christian standing aloof from the two confess and cross yourself establishments and he has the lie of cleanskin but he is the worst disaster to hit the secular side of government in our history and when staunch labor voters intone he has almost tamed the far right and is doing things for workers his pedestal is high enough to hide the lay feet.
    It is time for a change and albo’s labor must adapt to the reality that smirko cannot win government without the votes of the 3 sectors that are least supported by the lnp, WWW women, workers and welfare.
    Get back to the basics, albo, mobilise your shadows and for the throats of the cabinet members and discover the fears of the workers and welfare who switched to the lnp in qld and tassie and get to work.

    thank boobby for giving smirko the chance to access milnes money

  24. Grumpy Geezer

    Blow me down – they ARE giving the Churchillian allusions a run.

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