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Barnaby Speculates About His Private Life In Public!

Just when you thought that Barnaby had been consigned to the back bench and we could all concentrate on things that matter, Mr Joyce reminds once again while you can sometimes keep a good man down, you certainly can’t keep an ex-leader out of the news.

Now, I suspect that some of you thought that Barnaby would have had enough of being front-page news and that he’d be looking forward to spending some quiet time with his tea towel and new partner. You’d think he’d take the time to paint the nursery, pick out which toys he’d like to see thrown from the cot and decide the colour of the dummy which he’d proudly teach Barnaby Junior to spit.

Alas, no!

It seems that the colour of the nursery is to be grey because that bastion of family values…

Is bastion the right word there? Bast… something. Anyway…

It seems that Mr Joyce has told “The Sydney Morning Herald” that the child’s biological father was “a bit of a grey area”, a revelation which must fill all of us – including Vikki Campion, the child’s mother – with a great sense of relief.

Mr Joyce makes a salient point when he chides “The Daily Telegraph” for assuming that he was, in fact, the father without checking. However, from there I find both my sense of what’s an appropriate comment to make and my knowledge of the facts of life differing from the Honorable Mr Joyce.

To quote “The SMH” directly:

‘Mr Joyce conceded that the fact they were physically apart for almost all of the critical period in which conception occurred, meant the question of paternity remained “a bit of a grey area”.’

Now, my understanding of biology suggests that if they were physically apart during the critical period of conception then there’s no chance that he’s the father unless by insemination. However, even if Mr Joyce was travelling in Europe and Ms Campion was in Queensland for part of the time when conception may have occured, and even if he was acting PM in early July with “close personal protection body guards”, neither of these things mean that the happy couple spent no time together, and as Billy Bragg told us: “the time it takes to make a baby can be the time it makes to make a cup of tea”! Unless the “close personal protection body guards” also doubled as a condom, there’s no reason why an acting Prime Minister couldn’t decide that, rather than make a cup of tea, he’d find some other way to fill in the time which led to the creation of a little bundle of Joyce.

Apart from this, there remains the strange comment about the question of paternity being a “bit of a grey area”. Let’s just remember there’s been a bit of a discussion about staying out of politician’s private lives and, in the strange case of Barnaby Button, we were told that it was opening a can of worms if we were to go down that path. Now that he’d lost the leadership, you would have thought that Mr Joyce would be content to leave his worm in the can.

But Barnaby, now unconstrained on the back bench, feels that he must inform us that he may not be the father. Why he wants us to know this, I have no idea. I would have thought of all the things you’d want to keep private, it’d be the fact that you may not be the child’s real father and I don’t mean that from a political point of view. I mean, would you really want your child being told at some time in the future that your father had speculated in the paper that he may not be your actual parent? Ok, ok, I know that in the case of Barnaby’s son, it could be a great relief, but still it does seem a strange thing to put out there.

Is he trying to tell us that Ms Campion was having relations with other people as well as himself? Nothing wrong with that, of course, given they weren’t in a committed relationship with each other. But it does help justify his argument that she wasn’t his partner at the time she was being employed in the offices of other members. See, I wasn’t lying, can I have the leadership back?

And, while many people would be happy to admit that they’d had more than one sexual partner around the time of their child’s conception to their friends, there aren’t so many that would be happy to broadcast this fact to the wider population in a newspaper interview, if only because it may make Auntie Doreen’s questions at Christmas lunch a little more uncomfortable than usual.

Or is he trying to suggest that the child may have been an immaculate conception and that he is the modern day Joseph, step-dad of the Second Coming. And speaking of second comings, I expect to be Deputy PM again now that I’ve cleared up this idea that I’m fathering a child to a ex-member of my staff.

Whatever, whether he meant to or not, the poor kid now has the terrible prospect that if he doesn’t look like Barnaby, it will lead to speculation about who the real father is, with Michaelia Cash threatening to repeat rumours even though she doesn’t believe them.

An even worse prospect for the unfortunate child is that he does look like Mr Joyce.



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  1. OldWomBat

    Joyce = despicable. Just following the party line – “It wasn’t my fault!” I wonder who in the alp he will end up blaming – probably Shorten as part of the Kill Bill surge.

  2. DrG

    Joyce gets sent to the back bench and sits beside Abbott and now we hear a line about a child he may or may not have conceived? Remember Abbott’s mea culpa before the DNA was in for the ‘son’ he was claiming? Methinks these two charmers have come up with an explanation over several drinks too many.

  3. Matt Gibbins

    It would be impressive if Immaculate Conception is involved with Barney’s child. It would make Ms Campion truly blessed.
    The Immaculate Conception is commonly confused with the Virgin Birth of Jesus. Jesus’ birth is covered by the Doctrine of Incarnation, while the Immaculate Conception deals with the conception of Mary, not that of her son.

  4. babyjewels10

    What next? So now there’s some man out there contemplating Barnaby claiming and raising his child? Far out.

  5. Kaye Lee

    And it wasn’t her ex-fiance….

    “We split in August 2016 and we haven’t spoken to each other since,” Mr Bergin said.

  6. Terry2

    Barnaby Joyce has revealed he can’t be certain he is the father of his pregnant staffer’s baby.

    The former deputy prime minister said the child’s paternity is ‘a bit of a grey area’, as he was on a trip to Europe at around the time she conceived.

    Mr Joyce said he cannot be sure he is the father, but he plans to raise the child as his own, The Sydney Morning Herald reported.

    Better send in Sixty Minutes and Charles Wooley, they’ll work out the actual date of conception for you !

  7. johno

    Shades of grey. The ozzie political soapy saga , chapter 6.

  8. Kaye Lee

    On what planet does Barnaby live that he would think announcing to the world that his partner had multiple sex partners at the time she conceived was a good idea? Where is the regard for the child who may want to actually know who his real father is rather than just being grateful to Barnaby for filling the breach? Presumably Vikki has some idea of the contenders?

  9. diannaart


    I always value your take on issues – however, what I really want to do is never, ever hear anything about or from the execrable Barnaby Joyce ever again. I know I am dreaming, but these conservative males… just when you think self-importance ends, stupid takes over.

  10. John O'Callaghan

    This whole episode is just bizarre,i have never seen anything like it in politics before and it just goes from one sleazy soap episode to the next!.
    What this bastard is doing is throwing his so called partner under the bus,and virtually accusing her of sleeping around and generally acting like a slut!
    This bloke has no morals or principles what ever, and needs to throw himself at the mercy of his wife and daughters and beg their forgivness… but he wont do that will he?

  11. Kyran

    Oh dear, the serial Dummy is at it again. Having wondered about the ‘Tony Abbott pretend child’, who was an adult by the time Tony found out about it, and the ramifications for all concerned, I didn’t think any politician would be that moronic to play that card. DrG sums up the likely motivation for Bananas mea culpa (the other serial Dummy!).
    Having speculated on the likely outcome of a Wooley intervention, Terry2 beat me to that one too. Tom Bollard has already done a ‘cross interview, splicing the Wooley/Arden interview with the Sales/Joyce interview. Ah, if only we could treat a bloke with the contempt we could treat a woman.
    Then there were the “We were on a break” flash backs.

    Which begs the obvious questions. Was Bananas on a break from his wife or his girlfriend? Was his girlfriend on a break from him or her fiancée? Would Australia like a break from Bananas? Given his criminality, will Pezzullo’s goon, Dutton, deport him to NZ? If he does, will Bananas be eligible to enter NZ politics?
    Oh, dear. Woe is me. Oh bugger. That’s started Harry Belafonte flash backs.
    “Daylight has come, the shift is over, and they want their work to be counted up so that they can go home.”
    No, no, no, not the Banana Boat song. Although Bananas clearly wants his ‘work’ to be counted, now that daylight has come (so to speak).
    The other one. You know, when little Bananas goes to daddy Bananas for advice.
    “Hey, worries is me
    Shame and scandal in the family, hey!
    Woe, it worries me
    Shame and scandal in the family!”

    Then little Bananas will have to go to mummy Bananas for a definitive idea.

    “Now he went to his mama, covered his head
    And told his mama what his papa had said
    His mama, she laughed, she said, “Go, son, go!
    Your daddy ain’t your daddy but your daddy don’t know!”

    Oh, woe is all of us, as long as this fool is a standard of any sort.
    Thankyou Mr Brisbane and commenters. Take care

  12. Rossleigh

    I understand completely, diannaart, I was going to refer to him as he who must not be named, but I was afraid that would lead to confusion because people would think I was referring to Rupert Murdoch.

  13. Matters Not

    So Baby Beet mightn’t know who his father is – yet. Given that Vikki visited North Queensland at the relevant time, there is every chance that George Christensen is a serious contender for that title.

    George has a way with the ladies apparently. Just join the dots.

  14. Judith Bacon

    Mnnn? Joyce claiming paternity of Ms Campion’s child (no shades of grey there that Ms Campion is pregnant) being a grey area would possibly explain why he hung onto his leadership for so long even when all and sundry could see he had to go. So Barnaby now wants to be seen as helping a damsel in distress? Or is he taking a leaf out of the Whiteboard Cash playbook and slut shaming? I would rather his demotion was over what he did to the Murray Darling.

  15. Kaye Lee

    Remember how Barnaby was against Gardasil injections……..

    “Cervical cancer could be effectively eliminated in Australia within the next four decades, medical experts say, after new data revealed infection rates had plummeted to just 1 per cent in young women.

    Research published by the International Papillomavirus Society, lead by doctors in Melbourne, showed a dramatic decline in the rate of Human Papillomavirus (HPV) in women aged up to 24.

    The data revealed infection had fallen from 24 per cent to just 1 per cent in that age group in the last decade.”

    To say Barnaby’s judgement is questionable is a huge understatement.

  16. johno

    The Fizza will be having kittens over this latest development.
    @MN, I am too scared to join dots.

  17. Vixstar

    Ask Mickey Mouth cash she knows all the gossip apparently, sbe writes it on the white board for future reference.

  18. Glenn Barry

    Well I guess that means he may well be a limp dicked alcoholic suffering brewers droop who needed someone capable to come and inseminate his not-at-the-time-partner.

    Yeah did he just insinuate that she’s unfaithful to him when he was being unfaithful to his wife?

    Barnaby is just LOW, he should have hooked up with Michaelia Cash, she’s down far enough to be on his level.

  19. kerri

    Joyce has treated Ms Campion with the same principles he employs for his wife and four daughters.
    When it looks like it might effect him, he abandons them.

  20. Ozman

    If ms Playjoyce was a staffer on $196,000 a year does it mean she is now on paid maternity leave ?

  21. Ozman

    And if the original Mrs Joyce is granted a divorce for the Beetrooters adultery will she get some of his salary, pensions etc ? You know he really is a Dickhead, but Hey, he is our Deputy prime Minister

  22. Ozman

    Best thing that could happen is that suddenly the Beetrooter is a Kiwi (again ) and our beloved leader Mr Goldman Sachs deport him back to New Zealand.

  23. irascibleexaminator

    All I can get from this is….. and? My contempt for Barney was never about the folly of an old man and an attractive-ish woman.
    I did speculate that Barney was being taken for a chump and I warned that these type of relationship statistically don’t last. And therefore he should have known better.
    It was solely on his incompetence and feral abuse of his power and the tax payers’ money that fired me up.
    The notion that he was a appropriate ( competent, and yes even Altruistic enough ) to Represent his electorate in terms of the interests of the whole country has been proven beyond reasonable doubt is asinine, He is a pathetic narcissist with pretensions,to the detriment anyone around him. Clearly he should be out of parliament and the sooner the better.
    Anything else other than that is schadenfreude.

  24. Henry Rodrigues

    After all the scandal and the rorting of taxpayers money and the obfuscation and deliberate misleading statements by our ‘illustrious’ PM, on when he knew and what he knew, and now this unmitigated crook casting aspersions on the parenthood of his unborn child and insulting his partner by alluding to other perpetrators, if Australians vote for these shameless slimy bastards, they really must have rocks in their heads.

  25. Frank Smith

    What a disgusting GRUB Barnaby is!!!!

  26. paul walter

    Could have only been for the money. How hard up would you be to come up with something as destructive as that.

  27. ozibody

    In light of this new ‘ slant ‘ on the B.J./ V.C business, one is now encouraged to see a particular view on the topic. Much of ‘news’ today is set up (ahead) thru’ Perception, which is developed over a time frame allowing the perception to be eventually presented as ‘ Fact ‘.

    So – could it be that either of the pair has ‘cooled’ on the ‘ couple factor ‘ (after all the hullabaloo) and B. J is leading the way with this recent ‘perspective’ ? … and bad luck to all who sail in the original Titanic ! .. along with any slur on V.C !

    In today’s neocon news world ‘ Perception ‘ plays the starring role, where it is used to establish a ‘vehicle’ wherein the new Truth is eventually revealed ! … How often is the magic phrase ” ,,, can now be finally revealed ” …used to establish a supposedly True Story ?

  28. Zathras

    It reminds me of the early Abbott days when Tony assumed he was the father of a girlfriend’s baby.

    Abbott decided to “do the honourable thing” and was going to marry the woman but at the last minute he got his mother to call his fiance and cancel the wedding.

    It seems Abbott and Joyce have several more things in common than first thought. As well as blind ambition, a penchant for getting their snouts into the trough of public money, an overestimation of their own abilities and plain old dishonesty they are both supremely egotistical.

    A good match.

  29. Kaye Lee


    Married men couldn’t take up Rhodes Scholarships. See ya later toots.

  30. Patagonian

    He’s a pillock or respectability, our BeetRorter

  31. Kronomex

    And now Beetrooter and the Mad Monk are making noises about toppling Trembles by saying they can get the numbers to remove him. It’s hard to find descriptive words that don’t involve the use of swear words to say what I think of that pair and Truffles, mustn’t forget him either.

  32. Aortic

    This bucolic belligerent buffoon keeps calling for privacy yet keeps fronting up to the most execrable press conferences I have ever had the misfortune to hear. I hold no admiration for the hapless Turnbull but you have to give him some sympathy for the self centred brainless mob that constitutes his front bench particularly. Hey Mal, it might not save your arse, but a bit of spine to rid yourself of the hangers on might make your legacy a bit more presentable. Won’t hold breath though.

  33. Zathras

    Kaye Lee,
    I’ve never been called “toots” before. Am I being harassed?

    It’s not that Tony called off the wedding it’s the cowardly way he got his mum to ring up and do it for him that says a lot for me about his real persona. He tends to take pot-shots at opponents from afar, especially when they are out of the country.

  34. Christopher

    Just brilliant writing, and thank you commenters. You just couldn’t make this stuff up, absolute gold

  35. Matters Not

    Don’t forget Barnaby’s latest forays into the media spotlight are being plotted, planned and executed by a person with such expertise that she didn’t have to be interviewed for any number of well-paid positions. The evidence of her brilliant tactical and strategic advice is there for all to see. LOL.

    Or maybe, Barnaby is just thick, won’t listen and can’t be advised?

  36. Rossleigh

    Or Matters Not, one could argue that Vikki Campion hasn’t been able to hold down a media position job as she’s been moving from position to position, so maybe she is advising him…

  37. Matters Not

    Rossleigh, there are any number of meanings that might be given to Vikki’s various positions, her movements and the Beetrooter’s reactions..

    But I won’t go there on this family friendly thread.

  38. Glenn Barry

    If you ran psychological profiles on the Federal LNP, there’s two possible outcomes, 85% for detention in maximum security and the remaining 15% for detention in solitary confinement with full time supervision because they are a threat to both themselves and others

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