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I thought I’d write a letter to the Queen

By Barddylbach

“Sir Governor General … I will only say this once so pay attention,” she said.

While you were away in Nauru someone swore in our new Deputy Prime Minister, did you know, I know you did. Sadly it all looked gagged and scripted to the tones of salience bias and constitutional forgetfulness. Yes, I thought it was a disgrace too.

Now if I were the Governor General I says, I would be speaking to the Queen. There is a hierarchy here isn’t there?

If I were the Governor General I says, this is what I’d say to Malcolm Turnbull, “Look here, sport, I will not be swearing in your deputy PM, and here is why … [eyes float out the window, hands clasped behind my back]”, and I would follow this up with, “Malcolm my old mate, you find someone who is worthy to carry that office, and if you cannot find someone then I will dissolve this government with the powers invested in me under the Constitution of Australia, and let the people decide their fate”. And I would remind him of the catalogue of evidence that would have enabled me to declare my ‘no confidence’ in this government a long time ago … “You’ve had a good run, old chap,” working backwards methodically from the Barnaby Joyce bi-election cover up to save “your cliff-edge marginal voice…sorry arse. Do I make myself clear Prime Minister?”, I says.

Of course if I were the Governor General I says, I would have done this a long time ago and I would be echoing my deep regrets over my glass of Barossa heritage vintage drought shiraz, which I would be waving tediously and unceremoniously in front of him, before looking composed and nonchalant at the door.

And if I were the Queen I says, and gender is no impediment here any longer … (stay with me here), I would be summoning the Governor General for a private head to head, and ask him what he intends to do. I would be reminding him of his responsibility not just to her subjects in Australia, but to the reputation of the Commonwealth, ‘my Commonwealth … our Commonwealth’. And then I would be sending him on my behalf to Nauru if he had any doubts about what I was talking about. I’d tell him privately, “It would not be dignified of me to go to Nauru, Sir ‘Major’ General Cosgrove, this is why my government in Australia pays you vast sums of money to keep you and your esteemed wife in antipodean luxury. Do I make myself clear, Sir ‘Governor’ General?”

“One last thing ‘Sir General’… Do you think Nauru will survive another 50 years or will they become wards of State? You know refugees, rising tides [hint of royal sarcasm and karma in my thorny stare]. Perhaps you could put that question to your Minister for Home Affairs, what’s his name, that potato head chap?” And then I’d wave him out with or without his half empty glass of Olorosa sherry which I thought of offering him pretending that I hadn’t, and my head waiter holding a silver tray adorning the usual coat of arms at the door at the far end of corridor.

I thought I’d write that letter I says, pretending to hold Barddy’s Crown in the mirror, but then she may not read it. If I were the Governor General I says, but clearly I am not.


  1. Phil

    delightful – I says

  2. Kyran

    “I thought I’d write a letter to the Queen”. Entirely appropriate, Barddylbach. It is, after all, Mardi Gras, now in its 40th year, so there will be no shortage of Queen’s. Ironically, it was also about 40 years ago someone said;
    “Well may we say “God save the Queen”, because nothing will save the Governor-General!”
    As sure as ‘government’ has become a juxtaposition of ‘reality’ and history increasingly repeats, we can only wonder who could be this current ‘cur’s Kerr’. In any event, it seems unlikely this ‘government’ will make it anywhere near Remembrance Day, let alone 1975. They do so love the 1950’s.
    In 1975, Mr Whitlam noted “They won’t silence the outskirts of Parliament House, even if the inside has been silenced for the next few weeks …”. Some four decades later, most Australians seem to hope and wish for an all encompassing silence to descend upon the bog that is Canberra.
    It is for those historical reasons it seems unlikely our G G will intervene in the farce known as ‘Australian politics’. But you raise an interesting point with Queenie’s responsibility, “responsibility not just to her subjects in Australia, but to the reputation of the Commonwealth, ‘my Commonwealth … our Commonwealth’.”
    Queenie is also responsible for Nauru and PNG, both being in her Commonwealth.
    Given the history of 1975, it would be poor form for Turnbull to sack Cosgrove or vice versa. It does, however, make eminent sense for Queenie to sack them both. That is not a euphemism for a ‘ménage à trois’, however close Mardi Gras may be, as I have no idea as to the sexual proclivities or predispositions of any of the aforementioned. We may need ‘Cash for comment’, given the implied dubious morality of such a suggestion.
    See? We don’t need to write to Queenie. We desperately need her to do her job and write to G G, in the interests of the Commonwealth. She’d better get a wriggle on. This has to be sorted before the Commonwealth Games for obvious reasons.
    What else did Mr Whitlam say? Oh, yeah. This bit.
    “Maintain your rage and enthusiasm for the campaign for the election now to be held and until polling day.”
    Come on, Queenie. Write to G G.
    Hopefully it will turn out a little better this time!
    Thankyou Barddylbach. Take care

  3. Jon Chesterson

    Great links Anna…. Wow I’m thinking about a reroute, the only question is how entertaining to keep it!

    I thought I’d write that letter I says,
    I did… in my imagination, I says
    and that is where I published it.

  4. Jon Chesterson

    Kyran, ‘Well may we say “God save the Queen”, because nothing will save the Governor-General!’. I think the ‘major’ general has lost touch with ground control and there’s nothing he can do 😛

    Fancy that it was Mardi Gras last night too, I think someone is pulling our strings Kyran. To be honest I knew but didn’t make the connection, but strange as this may seem, “And if I were the Queen I says, and gender is no impediment here any longer … (stay with me here)” is a clear reference to the Marriage Equality legislation that passed through Parliament just last December. When conscious self talks to the unconscious or plainly speak it may just be serendipity.

    We do need to wonder about our Commonwealth, if governments within it are to ignore its purpose, repertoire and constitution in addition to their own; and to flagrantly flout the UN Charter and Rule of Law to which we are supposedly so bound. Ethics and morality is a human thing not a populist, elite, partisan or religious whim.

    Yes, well said lets maintain the rage shall we, Dylan Thomas will be proud of us, if not the Queen!

  5. Jon Chesterson

    Well Phil, it must be the cockney throwback 😛

  6. Hefina

    Who was that woman that swore in the New deputy PM was she GG’s wife? Even so she shouldn’t have been there. Another election please .

  7. Matters Not

    Hefina – please note:

    In the event of a Governor-General’s death, incapacity, removal, resignation or absence overseas , each of the state governors has a dormant commission to become the Administrator of the Commonwealth, that is, to take on the Governor-General’s duties until he (sic) returns from overseas or a new appointment is made. The convention has been that the longest-serving state governor is appointed administrator


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