By Terence Mills

They tell me that our politicians pulled an all-nighter on Thursday and had to hang around on poets day – a most unusual occurrence – to tidy up some loose ends and for the blokes to find their ties – you can always tell when a male politician is pretending to be hard at work, off comes the tie and up go the sleeves, not so much with the ladies, it seems. Still, it was worth it as the parliamentary tooth-fairy also known as the Remuneration Tribunal made a determination to boost politician’s pay by 2% from 1 July. This follows a 2.4% increase granted in July 2013 and a further 2% in January 2016. A pious George Christensen [you can tell this is satire, Eh?] told reporters that this modest increase was in lieu of penalty rates. Barnaby Joyce mumbled to him, behind his new Akubra, that politicians don’t get penalty rates as they only work Monday to Thursday and George explained to the assembled media that this modest increase was in lieu of the penalty rates that politicians had historically foregone.

I’m told that a pensioner on the steps at Parliament House, with a begging bowl, asked if she, could share in a little of this largesse, to help pay for increases in rent electricity and gruel? They sent Peter Dutton out who told her in no uncertain terms that she was a Labor stooge and if she wasn’t careful he had a nice little tropical island where she would spend the rest of her days and that, like Oliver Twist, she could eat cake – Peter was never good with his metaphors and under a certain new regime of English proficiency would be unlikely to be granted citizenship.

Meanwhile the deficit levy on high earners has been lifted – another reason for high-fives in Aussies Cafe in Parliament House – as the deficit is now a thing of the past and, thanks to Modern Monetary Theory, we no longer have a debt problem as we have a new colour printer in the parliamentary annex churning out fifty-dollar bills for all and sundry – except pensioners and Labor stooges – Peter Dutton is the monetary monitor so watch it.

Malcolm has said he will put all his additional loot to good use and invest in a third world economy; not Australia as you may have been thinking, but a nifty hedge fund in the Cayman Islands that he recommends as being well away from the scrutiny of the tax office who, it appears, are far too preoccupied with organising their own investment rorts anyhow.

Overall, an excellent week with Malcolm flying high and the coalition delighted that it has been able to take a Labor policy, chisel off a few sharp edges, apply a bit of spin, cut the funding – which Labor had never funded anyhow we are told – slip in a lazy $5 billion extra, found behind the couch cushions in the Joe Hockey’s old office and cut the roll-out period for Gonski 2.0 from ten years to six: high fives and low fives all round!

Pauline Hanson, Nick Xenophon, Derryn Hynch and the Greens all claim credit for the coalition’s amazing new education breakthrough although, surprisingly the Greens didn’t even vote for it.