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Abbott To Be Next High Commissioner To The United Kingdom?

Image from smh.com.au

Image from smh.com.au

OK, early last year when I told you that Malcolm Turnbull would be Prime Minister and lead the Liberals to the next election, I doubt that anybody believed me.

So when I tell you that Tony Abbott will be the next High Commissioner to the United Kingdom, I suspect that many of you will find it difficult to believe.

“Tony?” you’ll be saying. “Our Tony giving up all that volunteer work with the fire brigade when he’s wanted to play fireman since he was a little boy? And leaving Australia for Britain where he’ll have precious few chances to wear his speedos? Impossible.”

“Besides,” you say. “He’s planning to come back. He’s probably gathering his storm troopers, putting on his Darth Vader mask and re-watching ‘The Empire Strikes Back’, all the while thinking that he can rid Australia once and for all of that troublesome republican if he can just master the Jedi mindtrick of making us all forget anything he’s ever said, like no cuts to health or education.”

“And,” you add, “what about poor Andrew Bolt. If he was heartbroken when Tony was dumped as PM, how will he cope if Mr Abbott leaves the country. His column will lose its edge and he’ll just become a blubbering, pathetic crybaby who won’t have the strength to continue his difficult juggling act of supporting Aussie values like a fair go for everyone and free speech, while arguing that anyone who disagrees with him shouldn’t be heard at all and that they’ve forfeited any rights by their refusal to join Team Australia.”

Yes, I understand. All true.

But just wait. The good wishes extended to Joe have mellowed our Tony. Even though he wasn’t there to see his old buddy’s farewell speech. Yep. Mr Abbott’s moving on to the next stage of grief – acceptance. He’s thinking how pleasant it is not to have your every move criticised. Time to lead a more sedate life as a High Commissioner.

Of course, how this will affect Margie’s business operations is a minor problem. Perhaps she can stay in Australia and he can stay in some police barracks in London. Or perhaps, Sir Philip of Edinburgh can put him up in one of the spare palaces … Whatever … Not important.

The important thing is that Abbott is going back to the mother country. As he said about his time over there in ‘Battlelines’, it’s like a homecoming.

Yes, just like with Mr Turnbull, I’m making it up.

And when it happens, it was just coincidence.

 

39 comments

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  1. M-R

    Jesus Christ. The mind doesn’t boggle so much as cringe. Totally. It would be so hideously embarrassing, just like his time as PM.

  2. Sue-Ellen Smith

    Please, let it be true!

  3. Blinky Ewok

    What a horrible idea. He has trashed Australia’s reputation overseas, he should go back to his “not caused by climate change” wild fires.

  4. OldWomBat

    Tony Abbott makes Pooh Bear look like an intellectual giant. Why would Australia appoint him as ambassador to anywhere? Why would anyone accept him?

  5. Terry2

    Well, he’d be able to breeze through Immigration at Heathrow : just flash his British Passport !

  6. Robin Alexander

    its bad enough that he is going to make a speech at the Thatcher dinner (imagine the um’s and ah’s) but I think he should go to the Vatican join his friend George! they would be a good pair (believe George is causing trouble with Pope) so Tony would be in his element there ??

  7. Peter F

    I do hope he has his passport sorted. It would be such a pity if he were to be refused entry when trying to return here. Of course, they are being pretty strict on asylum seekers over there, too, so he might not be let in. (Unless he has a British passport.)

  8. i have a nugget of pure green

    good thing he still has UK citizenship then.

  9. Adrianne Haddow

    So he will be able to share his evil in two places close to his heart. His expertise in supporting Islamaphobia and demonising asylum seekers should go down well in the motherland.
    Maybe his media mouth piece Bolt will have to join him. I’ll gladly chip in $20 to help them pay their fare, on a leaky boat.
    Or maybe the Border Farce can escort him in one of their flashy yellow boats.Should look good with the red speedos.

  10. Dave

    Nah, Ambassador to Holy See with pell as a roommate, in pells’ palace.

  11. lawrencesroberts

    When Golden Sacks declares the republic tony may well get stranded there.

  12. Roswell

    Can a British citizen be a High Commissioner for another country?

  13. Ruth L

    I strongly object to this fool being paid with our taxpayers money to be The Ambassador anywhere!
    The attempts by other NLP morons eg Awful Abetz,Jitttering Joe and many more to paint him as saintlike is ludicrous.

  14. Loz

    Agree with the above. They do not deserve nice cushy jobs after what they tried to do to the most vulnerable of our society.

  15. Florence nee Fedup

    I seem to recall another former Liberal PM visiting the Queen after he retired, seeking a job/title from the her. Ended up with be given job as Lord Warden Cinque Ports.

    Would give Abbott excuse to dress up. Menzies loved the uniform.

  16. Buzz

    He should be the next ambassador for Syria.

  17. Very happy

    They can have him!

  18. Very happy

    Oh yes, they can then send Bush, Blair and Howard to the middle east. Hockey? who cares where he goes, anywhere will be good!

  19. diannaart

    Rossleigh; your prescience is getting very scary (if not a little suspicious).

  20. roaminruin

    Affecting Margie? Rather, where’s he going to stash Credlin.
    Seriously, there was something weird with those 2. I’ll bet she took quite some time and effort when she shook the drops off after Tones took a pee.

  21. Wayne Johnson

    if it were up to me I would drop in the middle of Syria and let them deal with you

  22. Adrianne Haddow

    Good point Roswell re citizenship and high commission job.
    Never mind I’m sure they can change legislation to accomodate that.
    Legislation changes seem to be their forte. Especially when it involves liberal party members and their mates.

  23. RosemaryJ36

    We are paying dearly enough for his relatively (grateful thanks!) brief but disastrous spell as PM with an over-generous pension and entitlements to follow.
    He ought to be persona non grata everywhere for the rest of his life.
    Incidentally – is it not good news about the change of government in Canada?
    It is enough to raise one’s hopes!

  24. jillosullivan

    don’t think the Brits want him .. not keen on Thatcherism these days

  25. brickbob

    Please never mention that mans name in this exellent publication again.”””’ Thank you.”

  26. Conrad

    Alan Bond was awarded ‘Australian of the Year’ (1978) but we always knew that The Old Dart was his real ‘home’, and he would eventually abandon Oz and return to Brit-land and that he did (though he later found that his ill health would bring him back to the Australian hospital system).
    We can have the same feelings about Abbott – he would love to be back in England being feted by British Conservatives.

  27. June M Bullivant OAM

    What a disaster, if they are to represent Australia, their past antics have been really stupid, what will the world think. This should not be jobs for the boys, but by merit.

  28. Friday

    Wow a deliciously tasty piece for 0630 hours on a Friday morning. Is it possible he could be housed in the barracks of the Swiss Gaurds and be the first FIFO commissioner? Oops, no this Pope believes man not god is responsible for climate change.
    Hopefully that man will just fade.

  29. corvus boreus

    Friday,
    Look higher.
    Tony’s dad said he would be Prime Minister or Pope; why not both?
    He has ticked the box for being the captain of Australia (axed the tax, stopped the boats).
    Like his sterling time managing a freight yard, being PM was more of a position he was dropped into than a true calling.
    Tony might make a play for the captaincy of ‘Team Catholic’
    Tony dropped out seminary school because the RC church was losing it’s judgemental fundamentalism and becoming too rational forgiving enough, and that was before a hippy communist took over.
    If Tony took over the reigns, he could authoritatively tell everybody that God doesn’t believe in that climate science crap either, and he could lobby his omnipotent buddy to make some more oil (which would help dispel this myth that fossil fuels are finite).
    God speaks, Tony…um…translates.

    Cardinal Pell is probably manuring and seeding the Vatican grounds for the reign of Tony Abbott (Pope Pius XIII) as we speak.

  30. Florence nee Fedup

    As ex-catholic, I should know answer to what I am going to say. I believe one doesn’t have to be a Cardinal to become a Pope. What would make it near impossible, as it is Cardinal that have the vote.

    With Abbott and his apparent talents and skills, it is near impossible to find a new role for him. He is unemployable.

  31. Florence nee Fedup

    I believe Abbott will never move on to another stage of grief. He will never get past not accepting that he failed. He will never forget or forgive. Just as he is still stuck in adolescent.

  32. helvityni

    Well sussed, Florence.

  33. Great Southern - WA

    The once was an idiot called Abbott
    Who’s brain resembled a rabbit
    Frequently rooted
    A hole lot stupid
    and when offerred a carrot
    would grab it

    One PM carrot was given
    To embarrassing us he was driven
    He demolished with glee
    Couldn’t built a teepee
    So assunder our country was riven

    The rabbit berry bosses were worried
    From a sequence of blunders he hurried
    They looked in distain
    At the rabbit with no brain
    And looked forward to the day he was burried

    A miniture bovine did turn
    And much of the warren did he churn
    Abbot the rabbit was kicked out
    With much an ado and a shout

    The royal rabbits were merry
    To send two of their reps from their berry
    So a suitable reward
    Was hastely stored
    To give Abbot Rabbit a ferry

    On this he would sail
    Far away but would bail
    For the boat had many a hole
    To the bottom he would sink
    That’s how they would think
    There number one primary goal.

    But he made it ashore
    Among royals galore
    and was given a very high place
    To the warren’s dismay
    He’s there to this day
    Much to our shame and disgrace

  34. Florence nee Fedup

    Have we sighted him in the UK. Just wondering how much this trip will cost us. Camping few days in north come to $180k I heard. Is Margie with him?

  35. Florence nee Fedup

    I hope the Queen manages to give him title, where he can dress up, like Menzies got. Must be one available for him, in back of one her drawers.

    Like the poem.

  36. philgorman2014

    Lets start a fund raiser to help Tony on his way to London, or to Rome, or Washington, or Baghdad, or Damascus, …. or anywhere.

  37. Ian Sprocket Muncher Parfrey

    I’m happy with this…..BUT..

    No Refunds
    No Returns
    The picture forms part of the product description.

  38. Sir ScotchMistery

    Interestingly, since he is still English, he can be not just the high commissioner, he can be the local bloke who does visas, which would be the ultimate payback after “we will decide who comes…”. He can then say “I will decide who goes to Australia’s shores and I will decide how they do it…”.

    Perfect. But the main bit, he’s gone.

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