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2019 Loogy Awards for Excellence in Feculence

By Grumpy Geezer  

2019 is coming to a flaming close swathed in smoke and ash, a suitable allegory for this past year in politics and a harbinger of our future. While the east coast burns, homes and lives are destroyed, wildlife is exterminated and entire ecosystems are endangered across an area the size of the UK the Liberal/National Party kakocracy responds by expunging the term “climate change” from the government vocabulary and pretends that nothing untoward is happening. And conversely but less overtly, they whisper between themselves that it is a sign of the pending Armageddon.

The explanations for their odious behaviour can only be:

1. The Coalition is in the pocket of the rapacious mining lobby, and/or

2. They believe this is god’s will. A wan, pink sun filtering through thick, yellow palls of drifting smoke, sheets of flame, blackened homes, charred landscapes and the screams of incinerating animals are signs of the end times. “The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and notable day of the Lord.” – Acts 2:20.

While their messaging is contradictory (business as usual vs divine obliteration) these two excuses are not mutually exclusive – they are symbiotic. They allow the grifters and the nutters to co-exist in the same body – be it party or persona. Monetising the environment can help fund the comfortable lifestyles that the righteous types believe is their due while awaiting the rapture; in return the end-of-times beliefs of these colander-hatted religious wing-nuts gives licence to the environment rapers to plunder at will. Win-win.

The Loogy Awards have been initiated to recognise the political mucus and nose pickers who’ve done the most to ensure that members of parliament are regarded with the respect and trust afforded to pimps, phone scammers, card sharps, porn show spruikers and bank executives. The Loogys lob a gobby in their direction.

The Gold Loogy

Due to their unstinting efforts to enrich themselves and their pals while fucking our environment the entire L/NP are the joint winners of the inaugural Gold Loogy. 

They have treated our precious water, the source of all life, as a commodity to be sold to the highest bidder and to mining interests who ship their profits to offshore tax havens.

They have approved massive land clearing, logging of old growth forests and have targeted the magnificent Murray River Red Gums for harvesting as vast swathes of bush are charred to blackened skeletons. Our trees, carbon sinks and producers of oxygen, are being neglected and wilfully destroyed.

The creeping death of the Great Barrier Reef, the extinction of species including the iconic koala are of no concern to them.

They distract, dissemble, obfuscate and dodge accountability. They offer thoughts and prayers FFS as Australia gets ranked 57th on the 2020 Climate Change Performance Index.

They are risible, contemptible criminals whose deliberate vandalism deserves appropriate recognition.

(A late withdrawal from contention is NSW Environment Minister Matt Kean whose acknowledgement of climate change as a contributing factor to the wildfires will no doubt be subject to retribution from the rest of the L/NP criminal cartel).

The Yellow Loogy

The Labor Party has nominated itself for a Loogy through the complicity of Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk, Albo and member for the Hunter, Joel Fitzgibbon. No long term vision ala Whitlam, Hawke and Keating, no eloquent proposal for transitioning away from fossil fuels, no exposure of the Tory’s malfeasance. They’ve meekly surrendered to the wedge and the dog whistle of coal mining and left otherwise loyal voters like me in WTF confusion and with a likely defection to The Greens as a desperate attempt to get the message through their blinkered short-termism.

The Green Loogy

Nominative determinism, The Greens attack Labor instead of the L/NP climate criminals. Dick Di Natale, the Black Wiggle, forges ahead with his ambition to replace Labor as the major party of the left, dividing opposition to the environmental vandals. The Tories are delighted.

Individual Awards

Expectorant Of The Year. Despite the rigorous competition from a toffee bus load of leaded petrol sniffers there was one clear winner. Smoko, Schmo, SloMo, FauxMo, StuntMo, Nero, the Liar from the Shire, Skiddy – he’s left his mark. On politics and on Engadine Maccas.

Armageddonist, Mammonite, theocrat, megolamaniac, spiv, shonk, treacherous political assassin, humbug, gobshite, racketeer, urger, failed marketeer, spruiker, snake, crony – the man has spread his devious talents across all of politics to ensure Australia’s continued decline in all measures of all things decent and worthwhile. An outstanding effort by an utterly wretched bastard.

The Silver Spittoon. The winner wishes to remain anonymous so that he can continue his behind the scenes work untroubled by scrutiny.

“Doctor LeNumbers” has mastered the dark arts of manipulating data, self-enrichment, monetising of our water and poisoning of our native vegetation. Dr LeNumbers was nominated for the Loogy by “a farmer from Yass” in a back-dated e.mail originating from his own office but he was a walk-up for the award regardless.

Weatherboard Nine laminated PowerPoint certificate for wanton idiocy. Rather than fade into obscurity to focus on his upcoming, somewhat risqué book on his sexual exploits (Sticking To Barnaby) the purple-headed member from New England, Barnyard Juice, has been popping up to pontificate on the issues du jour as a reminder to Bobblehead McCormack that he’s not going away. It’s rumoured that Bobblehead is drafting his own book “Fifty Shades Of Beige” as a counter-measure.

Full Mental Straightjacket – Craig Kelly, a lesson for all non-entities on how to raise their profiles by highlighting what complete arseholes they can be. The only value offered to the country by Kelly is that he, on his own, forms a huge, blobulous carbon sink – albeit offset by his constant emissions of toxic gases.

Bearded Clam Award for Services to Adult Entertainment. The perpetually clammy, ten pin shaped Georgie Porgie Christensen’s commitment to lap-dancing and S.E. Asian slum tourism gets deserved recognition. The Bearded Clam comes bundled with 500 frequent perver points.

Stuffed Koala. Consonant abuser Susssan Ley’s services to accelerated species extinction and fracking is rewarded with a dead marsupial mounted on a bleached coral & charred Wollomi Pine base. We look forward to Susssan’s eventual bodily return to the environment.

Dishonourable Mentions

Melissa Price – A face like a badly packed kebab with high high heels stopping her arse dragging along the pavement, Price has done the country a favour by being totally useless and forgettable. Price has been hidden away in the Pilabara with a jar of mayonnaise and a family pack of Mars bars.

Michael McWhosis? – awarded Bobblehead Of The Year, Mickey Mac, as FauxMo’s Noddy In Chief, actually stated in an ABC interview that praying for rain is a part of the Fracker Party’s drought policy. Fuckwittedness at a heretofore unthinkable level.

The Re-polished Coprolite

The Loogies are open to non-politicians whose notable acts of debasement have impacted the political sphere. Nominees for the Re-polished Corpolite are:

Mickey Wheeliebins. Being falsely fingered as a bin pal by FauxMo was not a factor in NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller’s nomination. Taking out FauxMo’s garbage is the AFP’s responsibility – abrogated as that may be, eh Michaelia?

Rather, Mickey’s insistence that the population should be scared into obedience and that children need to be strip searched are stand out efforts worthy of recognition. “Oh Mickey, what a pity you don’t understand.”

Barclay McGain – toffee-nosed, entitled Tory twat who is exhibiting all of the traits necessary for high office in the Libs. A real up & comer is this cloistered little munt and candidate for Cock Pocket Of The Year.

* * * * *

What sterling efforts we’ve seen this year. If we survive the Loogies may become an annual fixture. Can the pollies sink to even further depths of mendacity, greed and ruthlessness? I think we all know the answer to that.

“Do you think because Jesus is coming soon that the environment doesn’t matter?” I eventually ask.

“Alex, the Earth is going to be all burned up anyway,” my aunt says quietly. “It’s in the Bible.”

False Idol — Why the Christian Right Worships Donald Trump. Alex Morris, Rolling Stone.

This article was originally published on The Grumpy Geezer.

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22 comments

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  1. Ferking Wallbrook

    Feculent is a great word, A word for the times, that should not be allowed to fall into disuse. The US, Australia and the UK are all led by feculent people , and – sadly – voted fo be so, fully conscious of what they were buying.
    I have just googled it, and it has many superb synonyms, not one of them inappropriate. Well done, GG!
    We’ve had a couple of feculent GGs, too.

  2. Andrea Weymouth

    Scotosis leads a government that consists of apogenous, bovaristic, coprolalial, dasypygal, excerebrose, facinorous, gnathonic, hircine, ithyphallic, jumentous, kyphotic, labrose, mephitic, napiform, oligophrenial, papuliferous, quisquilian, rebarbative, saponaceous, thersitical, unguinous, ventripotent, wlatsome,
    xylocephalous, yirning zoophytes.
    The Abecedarian insult from the Superior Person’s Little Book of Words by Peter Bowler. Enjoy!
    PS Translation supplied on request.

  3. corvus boreus

    Since the humourectomy I don’t tend to laugh much, but…
    The Grumpy Geezer got me gigglin’ with his award scategories, and (being something of a weird-word tragic) I think Andrea may have just made my week.

  4. Phil Pryor

    Well done, Andrea; I tend to use G F Saussy’s Penguin dictionary of curious and interesting words, to be nastily accurate. When a nation is so unlucky as we are to cop a bowelful of blathering blockage in the superstitious political perverted liar from the shire, we should give daily comment. Morrison is a self seducing masturbatory misfit, a posing poo stain on our political undies, and he leads a team of absolute filth, stupidity, insolence, vacant skulled incompetents. Rooting, Rorting, thieving, lying, cheating, deceiving filth…No doubt the Morrison moronic survey of the horizon near Cronulla brings a call of “Far Kurnell”, and we agree, to our everlasting unhappiness. Our economy, environment, status, future, comfort, reputation…all F—ed.

  5. New England Cocky

    Now GG, I think you are misrepresenting today’s leader of the nat$ you have to receive political donations from 4/168 MDB licence holders and corporate cotton farmers in the NW NSW northern basin of the MDB. I believe that our intrepid happy clapper granted him the title of “Mick Muck” in honour of his previous history of homophobia and present ineptitude for all matters political especially bush fire initiation.

    Then the representative of the national$ family amoral values of alcoholism, adultery, croneyism, deception, etc in New England deserves more respect because he has shown that any unscrupulous politician can rort the Parliamentary Allowances Scheme with impunity and enormous profit, LEGALLY AND WITHOUT ACCOUNT TO THE LIARBRAL NATIONAL$ MISGOVERNMENT!! So for all those Tamworth women who support adultery and the national$ be thankful for what you have at present because the successor to Barnyard Joke is rumoured to be a producer of porky pies and convicted drunken driver with even fewer morals that the present incumbent. Perhaps THAT is the fatal attraction!!!

    @Andrea Weymouth: An excellent offering!!

  6. Grumpy Geezer

    NECocky,

    “… the successor to Barnyard Joke is rumoured to be a producer of porky pies and convicted drunken driver with even fewer morals that the present incumbent.”

    Talk about dangling a tease. Whats the story John Dory? Are there moves afoot to zip the purple member?

  7. pierre wilkinson

    “Can the pollies sink to even further depths of mendacity, greed and ruthlessness? I think we all know the answer to that.”

    please oh please, Grumpy, do not tempt them; you know that they will take that query as a challenge.

  8. Kaye Lee

    What of the Blue Collar Boadicea, the Helmeted Maiden of the Whiteboard, Michaelia d’Ute, ready to defend us all against those who would seek to take our gas guzzlers?

  9. Grumpy Geezer

    It was a strong field Kaye Lee. Mind you, that was an oversight. She’s a shocker.

  10. corvus boreus

    I agree with KL that the carp-mouthed harpy called Ms Cash (the gob in charge of jobs) deserves some kind of gong based on the strength of her slut-shaming threats alone (‘oi will noim noims!’), but I would rather sooner take a comfortable seat on a bull-ant nest and listen to the soundtrack of my own extended torture than be subjected to a single caterwauling sound of her acceptance screech (she seriously makes me want perforate my own eardrums).

  11. Sir Scotchmistery

    I have spent the last week in Twitter jail, essentially for stating that the prune mincer is an out and out “C”bomb.

    For a long time I haven’t dropped the bomb in a lot of places because…well I really have no idea.

    I’m going back to Twitter to find more opportunities to use #cockgoblin in reference to the chief cvnt, after this wonderfully informative and supportive effort.

  12. Old bloke

    GG, you’ve turned them loose, the artists of alliteration and champions of insults well earned by the traitorous Liberals and sidekicks. Maybe a published collection of insults might be in order. Love it!

  13. Kaye Lee

    eeeek cb

    “oi will noim noims”

    I could hear her. I could see her again. There is so much to be gobsmacked about but that sure ranks up there along with her screeching knifing the sisterhood rant.

  14. Brozza

    GG, just like ‘thejuicemedia’, you managed to turn facts into outstanding humour.

  15. Wobbley

    Who wrote the effing bible, men, that’s who. Effing middle aged and privileged no doubt, men not “god”. Jimmy swagart for PM eh? If there’s anything left to be Prime Moron over that is. Yes I’ve got the shits with the fascists scum and their god damn fairy tale. But who hasn’t?

  16. New England Cocky

    @GG: Aw geez GG, that would be telling ….. but remember local yokels in New England have a very short memory span so the succession preferred by the 4/168 MDB water licence holders may be from the NSW stable of sycophants and donation bludgers who have done their very best to ensure that water theft remains a seasonal possibility. Remember the apple never falls far from the tree. However, the Tamworth ladies returning Barnyard to Canberra may be disappointed in the preferences of a successor.

  17. wam

    Albo gets a ‘yellow’? Why?? The poor bastard only got a run after the emerald logy winning loonies knocked off shorten.
    To take a snippet from JRR my glass of bubbly goes to the admission that boobby erred in 2009 in giving the rabbott the ring that binds them all.
    A plastic cup of beer goes to lord for his 10 years of silence on the topic.

    ps you should have heard kennet and what’s his name this morning showing two bullshit filled men their reality of truth.

  18. Keith

    Kaye
    Your reference to Cash has made me wonder when Taylor arrives back in Parliament some time next year, will the whyte board need to be used again?

  19. New England Cocky

    @corvus boreus: I am always by the natural talent of the Whiteboard Witch to smile like she is masquerading as a bad tempered madam in a very cheap brothel.

  20. Kaye Lee

    “In terms of feminism, I’ve never been someone who really associates with that movement. That movement was a set of ideologies from many, many decades ago now.” – Senator Michaelia Cash, Minister assisting the Prime Minister for Women, March 2014

    “I consider myself a very lucky person whose parents told their four children to achieve, you work hard… All I know is that I believe in women … but I also believe in men.”

    Right. Let’s not alienate the men, as advocating for women’s rights is bound to do. Know your place and don’t cross the line or you will be labelled a misandrist.

    And as for working hard, Michaelia decided to work hard at entering politics from a young age. She is the daughter of Western Australian state MP George Cash and, by age 18, was an executive member of the Curtin University Young Liberals from 1988 to 1990 where she studied public relations, politics and journalism, and then the Western Australian Young Liberal Movement, where she held numerous positions including state vice-president. She is a member of the state council and was the president of the Moore Division. She also served on the party’s state executive.

    Michaelia was bred for the gravy train.

  21. DrakeN

    Michaelia looks akin to a prototype for “The Joker”.

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