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You’re F***ed, Tony

Guest blogger Ross Sharp explains why … and he pulls no punches.

From awful to f***ed in the space of one brief week, Prime Minister Tony Abbott, our Dear Leader, the walking, talking testicle of contemporary Australian political life, and embodiment of everything that is, and has been wrong with it these last several years, has morphed toot sweet from the once proudly simian gaited and throbbingly tumescent Cock ‘O’ the Walk and King of the Hill to flaccid impuissance, an instant noodle body-slammed into a bowl of his own steaming hot faeces.

Communications Minister and former Prime Ministerial hopeful Malcolm Turnbull now wakes every morning, and smiles, broadly, deftly tap-dancing his way from bed to shower, belts out a chorus or three of “Puttin’ on the Ritz”, follows it up with a softly gleeful rendition of “Singing in the Rain”, and fantasises about ramming the thick, block head of his most loath’d nemesis Cory Bernardi into a wood-chipper.

Foreign Minister Julie Bishop tingles with coldly exquisite anticipation at every paragraph of ridicule and criticism of Abbott she reads, licks her lips, and trippingly tra-la-la’s her way down to the nearest high class fashion district to shop for new blouses and matching pearls, some sensible shoes, and other items of elegantly understated garb to best befit a Prime Minister in impatient waiting.

Former Prime Minister Julia Gillard, still with steel in her veins, and who bore the brunt of Abbott’s base, savage primal brutalism, and never once cracked under his witheringly incoherent barrage of gonad-driven misogynistic hatred and contempt – “Make an honest woman out of her” – finishes watching another episode of “Game of Thrones”, lets her hair down, throws back her head, erupts with peals of glorious laughter.

North American citizen and billionaire media mogul Rupert Murdoch, Tweeting fool, boils with decrepit and aging rage and demands, DEMANDS, to blame it all on the barren bitch who runs Abbott’s office (the women are destroying the joint), instructing the always compliant polyps who cling to the increasingly desiccating organs of his Fish Wrapper Paper Empire to confect some righteous outrage over the whole goddamn thing, GODDAMMIT!, and help him elect a new Prime Minister to his liking. News Corpse. Morality on page one, tits on page three, on page thirty-seven, you can find an advertisement for sex call lines where a fifty-two-year-old woman on a disability pension will mimic an eight-year-old in a school tunic so that you can masturbate into a sock for sixty bucks, all major credit cards accepted.

“Quality journalism”, I think he calls it.

“There is something about the state putting the power to bully into the hands of subnormal, sadistic apes that makes my blood boil” (Gore Vidal).

You’re f***ed, Tony.


It’s delicious.

Clap hands. Clap hands.

Ross Sharp regularly presents an assortment of copacetic delights and vents his spleen on his own blog site: Smelly Tongues

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  1. John O

    That was beautiful. Just beautiful. Such a turn of phrase and a vivid picture painted.

  2. staffordhall

    Ahhh…. yes!! I wake up every morning with a smile too! I hope to wake up with a big smile on sunday moring and read “Labor wins by 2 seats!” Newman suffer 14% swing! What a bunch of morons the LNP are. Is there anyone who will wake them up and put them back on course do you think?

  3. paul walter

    Don’t celebrate yet. Watching Abbott a little while ago giving one of his dreadful doorstops, it is just possible that he and Murdoch cooked the whole thing up to in an attempt to botox the government’s image.

    Consider. He hasn’t sacked Credlin, which makes him look a good bloke. He is instead launching into a late plea as to Newman and portraying his FTA’s etc as great boosts for the nation.

    I can’t underestimate the spinners, including the wily old oligarch who now seems again a beneficient father after pulling the younger protege into line, the old string-puller.

  4. s.hall

    Sir Colin, I dont think Labor will do a better job, they did a better job, and will continue next year.

  5. Margot

    Tony Abbott could win you THOUSANDS in cash
    On the principle that the crowd knows more than each of its constituents, the Monthly wants to know your answers to two questions: What will be Tony Abbott’s final day as PM? And who will replace him?
    The entrant who guesses correctly Abbott’s replacement and gets closest to the eventual date of his departure will win at least $1000 cash. The cash amount jackpots on 1 January each year that Abbott remains prime minister. So if Abbott’s last day as PM is in 2016, the winner receives $2000. If his last day is in 2017, $3000. And so on. (Further terms and conditions here.)
    Everyone who votes on or before 28 February 2015 will go into a draw to win a year’s subscription to their choice of the Monthly, The Saturday Paper or the Quarterly Essay.
    The winner’s name will be published on the websites of both the Monthly and The Saturday Paper. Psephological fame and fortune beckons.

  6. Horatio

    Simian gaited – yes

  7. Anomander

    Beautifully evocative language. Love it!

    I’m still can’t help feeling this is all just a tactical diversion, designed to avert the attention of the simians, while they plot their nefarious little schemes to undermine something even more vital.

  8. shall

    Anomander, I understand how your feeling, but sadly, I believe he is just a F***wit. Along with the rest of the front bench.

  9. georgep

    Ho Ho! “… lets her hair down, throws back her head, erupts with peals of glorious laughter.” What a gorgeous image.

  10. marg1

    Brilliant and oh so true!

  11. Margot

    Visiting Colac in Victoria on Friday, Mr Abbott was peppered with questions about his leadership, the future of his chief of staff Peta Credlin – and whether he would stand aside for Ms Bishop or Mr Turnbull.
    Mr Abbott responded by praising his “strong colleagues” and “strong team” but said they benefited from his leadership.
    “One of the reasons why so many members of the team are able to perform so well is because they have got a very good captain,” he told reporters.
    “It takes a good captain to help all the players of a team to excel,” he said.
    He’s delusional.

  12. Mike

    Thank you for that beautifully crafted acid bath image of the rotting corpse of the incumbent.

  13. shall

    And well done to you too… “loud laughter”

  14. Möbius Ecko

    But Mr Abbott if the team is performing well because of a good captain, that means when the team is performing poorly is must be because of a poor captain.

    I think you need to look at your team Mr Abbott, they are performing very poorly indeed.

  15. Steve

    He has to go now. The chatter won’t stop until he does. The same malaise that Gillard endured ad infinitum from the press, will be repeated until he is gone. And until that happens, this government will be unable to do anything. No legislation will be passed (actually, no prior legislation will be repealed – lets be honest!) because no-one will do a deal with dead man walking. And the longer they leave it, the weaker whomever the replacement is will look.

    I know I shouldn’t, but the feeling of karmic schadenfreude is just too much.

  16. virtualnonsense

    So beautiful. Such turn of events – I really can’t imagine anyone more deserving than Abbott. Makes me want to punch the walls with glee!

  17. stephentardrew

    Blessed by a dead fish.

  18. stephentardrew

    Come on is that all you’ve got AIMN.

  19. lawrencewinder

    I saw the Colac Interview… and heartily concur with Margot: He’s F*****G delusional. Henderson, standing behind him looked as if she was about to bring up her lunch..and Rabid-the-Hun’s face slowly began to redden as he registered what must have been the incredulity of the press standing there… This moron and his IPA controlled rabble, have in 500 days, managed to make Australia an international laughing stock that is fast becoming the “White-Trash” of Asia.

  20. deanyz1

    Ross Sharp, I have never read so many antiquated, bold and relevant adjectives embodied so artfully into sentences with which we all find ourselves painting mental images from the words you scribe. Today I had a decent laugh for once. Thank you.

  21. M-R

    I’ve often wondered why “Fargo” hasn’t been used more often to represent the hideous reality of the life of our pollies. [grin]
    Let us hope you’re absolutely correct about this – that the mad monk’s totally and irredeemably f***ed. Certainly Australia is in terms of our international standing …

  22. Zathras

    I think some belated credit should go to Tony Windsor & Co who could see Abbott’s potential as a leader over 3 years ago.

  23. Annie B

    A somewhat ‘over the top’ spray to describe how ineffectual and inept the incumbent Prime Monster of Australia really is ….. ( in-so-far-as the article was originally written ).

    Thank heavens for editing and moderator control.

    Some vent – that was – ( in it’s original form ).

    Whew !!

    Whichever way ya look at it – Abbott is indeed on his way out. …. CANNOT happen soon enough.

  24. Bacchus

    Zathras reminded me of this:

  25. Loz

    No holds barred here! Great article and very funny.

  26. corvus boreus

    I have mixed emotions about this one.
    Do I want him gone now?
    On the plus side,it would remove the shit-smear of the reflection upon our national societal psyche when ‘we’ electorally endorse representation by what someone displaying the ‘qualities’ of character both admitted and displayed by Abbott.
    He tells smirking tales of sly king-hits, and boasts of no talent at cricket but sledging, which is not cricket.
    Questing hands and roving eyes are backed by a sirk and wink, and a line that a womans right to say “NO” is not absolute.
    A toadying boor who presumes to knight royalty.
    Hands in till for travel, sport-watching, sport-playing, jet-setting, bookselling, weddings, funerals and champagne swilling soirees.
    Repeats dumb as dog-shit slogans, and redundant generalities (and let me say,…) at 12 words a minute, punctated by ‘ums’.
    Diplomatic displays of shambolic swaggers, verbal faux-pas, staccato forced cackles and power-play gorilla-grip handshakes.
    Sends folk off to war under the euphamism of ‘humanitarian intervention’,
    but when questioned over stating his view of death at duty as “shit happens” (shrug), responds thusly
    Yes, I reckon I want him gone ASAP.
    No matter what the counter-arguments of strategic pragmatics, I cannot tolerate the taste of the truth when I name the sketchy, creepy and nasty creature I call ‘Varanus tonii’ as “the Prime Minister of Australia”.

  27. Annie B

    @ Corvus B ….

    An utterly brilliant and complete portrayal of what we have to deal with – this monster at the head of all in our country. …. The ” Good Captain ” ????????? Anthony John Abbott. Liar extraordinaire, and …. well – you have said it all, so I will not go on with any further descriptive phrases.

    ( and now I have had to look up ” Varanus tonii ” …. can’t find it, but figure it might have something to do with lizards !!! ).

    Very well said CB.

  28. eli nes

    gillard, oakeschott and winsor were a whisker away from creating a consensus government despite constant attacks from the lemon, fitsape,abbutt head, murdoch and tv ratings chasing autocue twits.
    Sadly gillard’s misogyny was left hanging and windsor’s ‘sell my arse’ went begging.
    Little billy is a quantum leap from his beaconsfield power but today has shown some backbone with his ‘captain of the titanic’ but the women, penny/tanya and? are barely visible and communicate at churchmouse volume.

  29. corvus boreus

    Annie B,
    The V. tonii is a (speculative) new species of monitor lizard. An ambush predator and consumer of carrion.
    I displayed a segment of docu-demented footage of the beast in my last post.
    Nb; Classification of new species unconfirmed, as the single observed specimen could be a mere mutation.

  30. Annie B

    Corvus …….

    I think you could also name the new species Varanus abbortis …. a close relative of the Varanus Tonii … mutating at a great rate, and attempting to take over the world of villainous creatures, with destruction and decay its’ sole purpose on the planet, especially in the land of Terra Australis – where it currently thrives.

    I could think of a number of ways to rid ourselves of this new toxic and ultra-dangerous creature – but dare not opine on a public forum … suffice to say it would not be pretty !!

    Unless of course, it could be captured, stuffed and put on permanent display in a museum case – for all to see as being something to be completely avoided in any future for this land. ???

  31. DanDark

    Ohhhhh well what goes up must go down, its the law of physics or something like that.
    Tones has brought himself down though, he is as weak as piss and LNP supporters know it now.
    By the end of Feb and it will be curtains for Captain Chaos, and in his haste to destroy Australia
    he has destroyed the LNP brand as well…. Good one Tones 🙂

  32. Shane

    He’s not only the biggest idiot this side of the black stump,but he makes a drongo look like Albert Einstein ,there is nobody more incompitant & self proclaimed than this megalomaniac melodromatic contemptuous idiot

  33. RoaminRuin

    Never mind Bishop…reading that makes my nipples hard.

  34. Harquebus

    Tony Abbott is just a fool. It is his absurd infinite growth Ideology that is f***ed, totally. Unfortunately, a lot of other people and journalists have the same ideology. They are also fools.

  35. Margot

    The Australian dumping on Abbott and Credlin


    Poor captaincy, but the top order is struggling, too

    Peter van Onselen Contributing editor Canberra

    Some highlights from the article.

    For more than 10 years Howard had Arthur Sinodinos, widely regarded as crucial to his boss’s success. Howard changed his chief-of-staff twice before appointing Sinodinos in 1997. They were tough decisions for Howard but he did the right thing in the best interests of the government. In contrast, Abbott has been unwilling to move Credlin on, despite her clear and present failings. It is now beyond a joke the way she is hanging on to her tainted role, unwilling or unable to show Abbott the same (misplaced) loyalty he is showing her, by resigning.
    Once again, the comparison from Team Howard to Team Abbott isn’t even close: Sinodinos helped Howard, Credlin has become a hindrance…….
    Abbott remains the biggest problem — with his poor judgment, unwillingness to listen and incapacity to read the mood of his colleagues and the changing attitude of voters. But Abbott’s failings are made worse by the poor performances of some of those around him, especially his chief-of -staff, who has cut him off from advice other than her own.

  36. Graham Houghton


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