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Who Wants To A Millionaire? Screw That, I Have A Scheme For Making Billions…

Now, I’ve just had a look at how the Direct Action Carbon Scheme works.

Apparently, companies bid and the one that promises to reduce emissions by the largest amount can access money for doing so at an agreed figure like $20 a tonne.

Luckily, I have a business. Ok, it didn’t actually earn any money last financial year, but that won’t stop me bidding. I think that I’m going to offer to reduce a billion tonnes of emissions.

Well, ok, I haven’t looked that closely and the fact that my business didn’t actually produce any carbon emissions last year may disqualify me from bidding.

I certainly hope not

Because the Abbott Government have assured everyone that failing to meet the targets that you set won’t lead to any penalties means that I don’t really have to worry about my inability to actually reduce emissions should my bid be successful.

And yes, you’re right. This is probably just a way of transfering money from the public purse to people who actually contribute to our society in the form of donations to the Liberal Party. (Except for Joe Hockey. He doesn’t know who contributes to his campaign, and, as his time as Treasurer demonstrates, he has no interest in financial matters!)

Which makes me wonder what the Liberals will actually do when they’ve sold off all the assets and sacked all the public servants and managed to reduce government to the size that they think is appropriate. (Which I believe is slightly less than a one bedroom flat and slighly bigger than a matchbox!) I mean, how will they find ways of moving money from the ordinary person who’s just a leaner – and the Liberals are determined to make everything leaner as part of their austerity measures – to some business or billionaire who’s clearly a lifter.

You know, a lifter. No, no not a shop lifter. That’s something else altogether.

Ok, I’m sure that you can all see the beauty of my plan. In fact, I think that it would be a good idea for me to expand my business. If you want to be part of my expansion, just send your money in a brown paper bag to me and I’ll include you in the scheme.

No really. You can trust me.

I have a plan.

And not only that, I’m a businessman.

By the way, on an unrelated matter, where’s John Elliot these days? I remember when he was going to be the next Liberal Prime Minister…


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  1. roscoe

    Joe DOES have an interest in financial matters, he just doesn’t understand them, but what should that matter, his wife is rich so she can give him some tips

  2. Jennifer Meyer-Smith


    when you get your government contract for carbon emissions reductions, can I have a job too?

  3. rossleighbrisbane

    Yes, Jennifer. You can write reports for the government on why we need more money and why we know more than scientists who are clearly just in it for the money.

  4. miriamenglish

    Yeah, I found myself wondering about Elliot recently when I was talking to a friend about the actual contents of icecream: pig’s arse (truly it is largely gelatin from boiling down pigs’ hooves, joints, ligaments, and their sphincter).

  5. passum2013

    Ill bid $ 1 for return of Billions

  6. Kaye Lee

    At its peak his grazing property ran up to 15,000 head of sheep and cattle but, as a result of drought conditions, today he has none.

    Under the scheme, Mr Bull will nurture the growth of native trees like mulga and bimblebox, which store carbon in their trunks, for their lifetime — usually about 100 years.

    He will also agree to a series of land management restrictions which effectively prevent sheep grazing and reduce the amount of cattle across 13,000 hectares of his land.

    “I’m sure there’s going to be some sections of the community who look at this and say it’s a bit of a joke but the way I view it is that we’re presented with an opportunity,” Mr Bull said.

    “The Government’s framed a market … and all we’re doing is taking advantage of a market that’s being created.

    “At the end of the day we’re trying to make a quid off the place.”


  7. Bronte ALLAN

    Sack joe wobbly, he is nothing but a deluded, lying, toe rag, conservative, flat earth, tea party,right wing idiot! Listen to (how green is my)”Cactus” to hear what is said about him & the rest of his crones, bloody brilliant
    satire, with lots of truth in them!

  8. Awabakal

    ” $2.5 billion allocated to the ERF auctions” – to pay which industries? Rapacious, bone-dry sheep/beef properties?
    Twiggy?, Gina? I hope you aren’t claiming.

  9. Kerri

    Brilliant Rossleigh!! Maybe we should all take a business name and swamp them with bids to reduce our carbon? If they ever get off their hineys to activate this wonderful scheme of theirs!
    I won’t hold my breath.
    Can we count this as another broken promise yet?

  10. silkworm

    Miriam, there’s nothing wrong with gelatine. It’s actually good for you.

  11. Chopper

    Good one Rossleigh, now is the time for the National Parks to score. They already have the trees, millions of them, and no animals. (sheep etc). What an idiotic scheme, in the long run not a tonne less of CO2.

  12. miriamenglish

    Silkworm, I wasn’t saying there is anything wrong with gelatin. I was linking it (in a circuitous way) with John Elliot and his way of expressing disbelief in something by saying “Pig’s arse!” But I do actually thing there’s something wrong with gelatin because to get it we slaughter animals. That’s bad enough, but we often keep them in cruel circumstances, especially pigs, which are smarter even than dogs. We do horrible things to each other, but it pales in comparison to what we do to our fellow sentient non-human creatures. We are monsters.

  13. Andreas Bimba

    The turd is a turd, why discuss it, why critique it, it is just a turd. Why did the electorate vote for the turd? Why do they sometimes vote for the other turd?

    Meanwhile between the paving slabs a flower grows but still the voters remain loyal to the turd, or that other turd.

  14. Jennifer Meyer-Smith

    Andreas Bimba,

    brilliant comment. But don’t despair for the public is waking up to the absurdities of both the ‘turds’. (Dumb and Dumber.)

    The flower is https://www.australianprogressives.org.au/

  15. Andreas Bimba

    Thanks Jennifer, I hope you saw the other flower with the nice green leaves a little to the right, it has been there a while but keeps getting run over by the traffic, mostly dump trucks and logging trucks? Please keep watering the flowers.

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