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When You Reduce Emissions By Preferring Your Own Milkshake!

Apparently, Scott Morrison couldn’t be heard when he was addressing the other leaders at the climate summit last night. While some suggested it was a clever ploy by Morrison to hide the fact that he had nothing to say, others blamed it on a technical glitch. Matt Canavan suggested that it was because they weren’t using coal… (No, seriously! I mean, it may have been a joke but he actually tweeted it, this is not me writing some stupid sendup).

Anyway, I think I need to clarify the Federal Government’s position. Scott Morrison has all but set a target and we can assume that he’s inching his way towards making some sort of declaration after his announcement that he intended to get to zero emissions without the need to set a date for it to happen because, the issue is how not when and it’s technology not taxes and so we can give him lots of praise about how he almost announced something when he announced that he didn’t see the need to set a target owing to the fact that we meet and beat the targets we set.

Of course, some may wish to suggest that it’s pretty easy to beat a target that you haven’t set, while others would argue that it’s impossible to meet a target that doesn’t exist. These are, of course, the inner city latte sippers who hold dinner parties instead of getting things done. This is a government that acts first and asks questions later. Or rather, doesn’t have time to ask questions, let alone answer them, because they’re too busy getting things done.

Take that consent video: no sooner had it gone up but down it came. No dithering there. Immediate action when they realised that people were actually watching it and pointing out that it contained so many American concepts like “end zone” and “butt” that it may as well have been taken straight from the US saving us whatever it cost. Now that it’s not being endlessly shared on social media, think of all the electricity we’ve saved and what this had done to reduce emissions.

Sources tell me that the government intends to kill two birds with one stone by replacing that American-influenced milkshake video with a local one, made by Liberal staffers with the following script:

“Consent is simple. You shouldn’t be sharing your milkshake with anyone, and if you spill yours on someone else’s desk, you shouldn’t do it without their consent. Reduce your emissions. Ever since our colleague was sacked, we’ve all restricted ours!”

Ah, the power of prayer!

Whether this is true or not, I think we can all agree that it’s an amazing achievement by an Australian PM to have almost achieved the remarkable accomplishment of announcing a target for 2050. With the current rate of progress we may actually have one before the year itself!

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  1. GL

    Scotty from Marketing is a talentless old style vaudevillian: “Slowly I turned … step by step … inch by inch…,” without anything that even resembles the humour that usually goes with that line. He just exudes a quivering sense of horror.

    Coalavan is just a brainless effwit of the first water.

  2. Terence Mills

    The problem with Morrison’s connection was due to people in the background chanting if de sun don’t shine and de wind don’t blow you gonna need coal beautiful coal

    What Morrison was saying (or maybe it was the Bhutan prime minister) was that we will do whatever we do with technology – which we will then sell to a waiting the world – but not taxes – and we won’t set any targets as we fully expect Donald Tromp to be back in power by 2024.

    Evidently Angus Taylor has found out how to deliver clean coal with no emissions by capturing the carbon and storing it indefinitely on Nauru.

    Morrison then he went on to confirm that George Christensen would be our next ambassador to the Philippines.

    Hallejulah Brother !

  3. pierre wilkinson

    “technology not targets”
    quotes our prime minister for non sequitur,
    the amazing minister for announceables,
    the proven apologist for photo ops
    failed deliverer of follow ups
    minister for avoidance, obfuscation and incompetence
    he of the empathy lessons that have failed as dismally as his government
    promises a PLAN, a plan so cunning it is not in fact a plan at all, but just the intention of formulating a plan, a great plan, the best plan, the plan to end all plans, after due consideration and photo shoots it will be announced and then sent for review and placed in committee and dragged back into focus only when “asked what are you doing?”
    and the best thing is that he is doing it for us, to save our common wealth and jobs
    despite giving the wealth to the wealthy and freezing wages whilst cutting services across the board
    what a guy

  4. Kaye Lee

    So today we had Sussan Ley out re-announcing our commitment to “blue carbon”. That’s where we talk up using seagrass and mangroves as part of combatting climate change through carbon capture. We have used the same announcement at COP23, 24, 25 and it looks like being used again at COP26. Instead of reducing emissions, we are planning on buying expensive international carbon credits through schemes like blue carbon conservation and restoration on Pacific islands..

    A UN report released in 2019 says blue carbon would offset only about 2% of current global emissions and would not be an effective replacement for the “very rapid reduction of greenhouse gas emissions” required to avoid catastrophic climate change. If emissions keep rising, the speed and scale of climate change will overwhelm blue carbon ecosystems’ ability to adapt. This problem will be compounded by “coastal squeeze” as rising seas butt up against human infrastructure, leaving coastal plants with shrinking habitats.

    Australia is essentially telling our Pacific neighbours, who are on the front line of climate change: “We will protect your coastal carbon sinks in the short term for international credit, while continuing to burn and export coal, oil and gas.”

    In the long term, Pacific islands will be devastated and even destroyed by cyclones and storms. Because those mangroves won’t be able to adapt in time to the hot, acidic and rising seas.

  5. wam

    His target, of an announcement before the polls, is, according to some of his loosest thinking colleagues, is pretty well on target???
    kaye ‘expensive’ is not a worry when boobies girl chrissie gave the gov unlmited access to cash.
    After 7 years of cash splashpractice and a PM good at hiding and disguising and diverting and rorting there is no conscience in chucking hundreds of millions around.
    Wouldn’t it be good if he could see that billions to hardly normal rich types never trickles down to us but for a lousy $28b he could give all of us a $1000 and watch the flood up to businesses.

  6. Brozza

    Our ‘Claytons’ p.m making even more ‘Claytons’ announcements about his ‘Claytons’ emission targets.
    What a true ‘Claytons’ man.

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