Club President – I’d like to start the meeting. Now the purpose of this is to commit our club to winning the premiership by 2050. I know that we’ve never been big on winning in the past but circumstances mean that we’ll be left behind and kicked out of the league unless we’re a bit more competitive.
Matty – Excuse me, but who are other clubs to tell us what to do? Aren’t we a sovereign club with sovereign rights. (Murmurs of agreement from those near Matty)
:President – Nobody’s taking away our sovereign rights, but they won’t play with us unless we actualy make some sort of effort.
Barnaby – I just wish we could get those umpires out of our life. Who needs them?
President – Unless we make this commitment, we’ll have everyone out of our life?
Keith – What about the coach? He’s a good bloke. Does this mean that we’ll be sacking poor old Cole?
President – We can probably keep him on, but we need to make other changes. Like the playing group. We need players who can actually play.
Matty – Our fellows can play. Our club was built on these guys.
President – Yes most of the ones over fifty are talking about retiring.
Barnaby – Hey, weren’t you the one trying to get them to last a few more years.
George – That’s right. You said that they were cheap and reliable and we couldn’t afford to be paying for any new players who only turn up on sunny days.
President – Well, things have changed. There’s a few younger players who are showing promise and they’re prepared to play for free.
Matty – For free?
President – They may want us to pay for their gear but after that, every game they play will cost us nothing.
Barnaby – But they’re not as reliable as some of our old guys. They’ve been the backbone of the club for years.
President – They were good in the past but you’d hardly call Liddell reliable any more he broke down in the middle of the warmup last season. And Vic has to leave the field every few minutes because of his incontinence problem.
Matty – This is just ridiculous. If losing was good enough for our fathers, it should be good enough for us.
Treasurer – If I could just interrupt here, you’re all missing the point. If we don’t go along with what everyone else wants, we’ll find ourselves unable to sustain our current…
Barnaby – I don’t think ignoring our point of view is enough to get us on board.
President – Well, what would it take?
Matty – Coach Cole should be guaranteed a job for life.
Barnaby – And free drinks for all past players.
George – Open borders.
Keith – Not allowing our current players to retire just because they think they’re past it.
President – Ok, well if I agree to all those things, will you agree to commit to a premiership by 2050?
Barnaby – We’d have to think about it.
George – We can talk before the next match.
Keith – But we won’t be rushed.
President – Look, you just have to commit to it. It’s not like we actually have to do it.
Matty – Yeah, but once we commit, nobody will pay any attention to us any more.
President – Ok, well, can you get back to me before I go to the meeting with the league? I’ve got a meeting with all the other teams next week and imagine how it’ll look if I can’t make the same commitment that everyone else is making.
Barnaby – Why didn’t you just do what you usually do?
President – What’s that?
Barnaby – Lie about what you intend to do.
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