Dear Rupert,

Some idiot lefty referred to you today as “Voldemort”. They clearly didn’t understand that the whole Harry Potter books were created by a single mother on welfare who vilified the ruling class in a totally unfair way. Like Voldemort, they think they’ve got you because you shut down “News Of The World” and you’ve been quiet after the phone hacking stuff, but we – your true followers – know that you’ll rise again.

I realize that it’s too late to suck up so that you can make me Prime Minister, but I was just wondering if you’d let me run Fairfax. I know you think that Gina’s got that one covered, and that you’re on the same page, but you have to remember that she’s ambitious. Give her a foothold and next thing you know, she’ll argue that she has as much right to an opinion as you do. She may even think that the NBN is a good idea, and we know that letting that go ahead would be a real threat to your newspaper business.

I know it seems silly, but she is a woman after all, and we know how irrational they can be. I don’t mean that in a sexist way, but we all know that women like to spend. Just look at our current Prime Minister. She keeps wasting money on things like education and the National Disability Scheme.

I’ve already started on a couple of pieces. How about this one on the problems of small business?

I’ve had to let all my staff go because of excessive wage demands. Every week, he’d demand to get paid. I pointed out that I’d already gone against my normal policy by extending his trial period of employment by three months, but, no that wasn’t enough, he wanted money, so I had to let him go. Because of the draconian unfair dismissal laws, I haven’t been game to employ anyone else.

Or this, on climate change.

Of course, some are arguing that the recent extreme weather events are evidence of extreme weather events, but there have always been weather events. Some of them have been extreme. However, if you take out events like Hurricane Katrina – which was, of course, a one-off – and Super Storm Sandy – again, a one-off, and any other one-off weather event, this has been the most stable period in terms of climate since the Ice Age. The scientists are embarrassed by the fact that between the record high of 1998 and the record high of 2013, temperatures weren’t as high as either of those years. An extensive study by Phillip Morris found that cigarettes in no way contributed to global warming, because how could something that small do any damage.

So quick, offer me the job. I’d much rather work for you than a woman. And I mean that in a totally non-sexist way. I think we call all agree with Tony Abbott about what a great Australian you are. I can think of no Australian with as much claim to greatness as you. Certainly, no Australian who gave up being Australian in order to become American citizen!

Yours sincerely,

Ern Malley