Leaked transcript of Malcolm meeting with his spin doctor. While Trump may call it “fake news”, Mr Turnbull hasn’t commented so I’ll leave you to make your own conclusion.
“Why on earth did you turn up weariing an $850 shirt to your Christmas photo op?”
“Well, I thought, as I was meant to be feeding the homeless it was the wrong occasion to wear one of my expensive ones.”
“No, Malcolm, that’s the point. A Dolce and Gabbana shirt is an expensive one!”
“Really? But I bought it off the rack and there was no tailor involved…”
“Trust me, to the average peson, it is. Most people don’t even own suits that cost that much.”
“Then why are they always complaining about the cost of living. I mean, I had to shell out nearly two million to the Liberal Party so I could keep being the PM, what do they waste their money on, if not clothes or political donations?”
“Well, things like the mortgage, food and energy bills…”
“Energy bills? Don’t they know that I’ve fixed that? The NEG…”
“Malcolm, you only announced a plan to fix it. They won’t see lower prices till after the next election, if ever.”
“Hasn’t Snowy 2.0 lowered prices?”
“No, if anything, the rising cost of the project will probably blow prices out. Anyway, it’s not just the shirt. You also gave that message about water safety a couple of days after being fined for not wearing a lifejacket.”
“Gee, why are people so obsessed with what I wear?”
“They’re not. We’re just a little bit concerned that after describing your fine as a bit technical, people might see your message on water safety as a bit hypocritical.”
“In what way?”
“Not wearing a lifejacket. Water safety.”
“But if I fell in, I’d just walk to safety. I don’t need a jacket thing.”
“Malcolm, for the last time, you cannot walk on water!”
“Ah, that’s what you said before the Bennelong by-election and look how that turned out!”
“Ok, I know we spun a five percent swing against the government as a great result, but let’s be real. Usually by-elections doin’t threaten the stability of the governing party so people are free to have a protest vote without any consequence. Couple that with the fact that Alexander was forced to the by-election by outdated citizenship laws AND the Sam Dastyari business blowing up in the week before the poll, then it was a shocking result which, if repeated in a gerneal election, would see Labor as government, The Greens as the Opposition and your leftovers trying to work out if they should merge with Cory or Pauline.”
“All right, all right, let’s get down to business then. So, what shirt should I wear for my next appearance?”
“Malcolm, this is more than what shirt you wear. You’ve got to recapture the momentum that got the Liberals back to within six points of Labor in the polls just after the marriage equality vote.”
“Ah yes, I really did well there, didn’t I? I’m so much more popular than Bill Shorten, aren’t I?”
“That won’t matter in a general election. That’s like saying that a prostate exam is more popular than a visit to the dentist.”
“Are you sure? I think I’d rather a trip to the dentist because he always praises my teeth, whereas when I have a prostate exam, there’s never any mention of the sun shining out of…”
“Malcolm, focus! This is important. You’re not in a Cabinet meeting where you can let your mind wander. You need to do what Liberal leaders always do when facing criticism!”
“Show strong leadership?”
“Ha, good one. No, blame Labor.”
“Well, that should be easy. We could attack them over the NBN.”
“You tried that a couple of months ago and it just reminded people what a traiinwreck it’s become. The fact that you’d been telling them how great and there were no problems a few weeks earlier…”
“Energy prices.”
“You claimed to have fixed that. Nah, it has to be something that Shorten can’t actually point out that you’ve been the government for over four years and make it obvious that your not actually doing anything.”
“Jobs. I could point out again that there were more jobs for everyone.”
“Yeah, that just upsets the people who are now working a second job to make ends meet because they haven’t had a pay rise in four years.”
“What about everyone else?”
“Well, those who have a job don’t care if there’s more being created…”
“What about the unemployed who now have jobs?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. All of the jobs are going to overseas workers out here on visas. Don’t you read your own legislation?”
“Well, there must be something. Road safety?”
“People might expect you to spend more on roads.”
“Um, violent crime?”
“That’s a state issue.”
“So we can’t use it?”
“No, it’s perfect. You can just bring it up and say that if this isn’t fixed then you might need to step in. That way you get all of the credit for acknowledging it’s a problem. and nobody can blame you for not doing anything. It’s Kevin Rudd and hospitals all over again.”
“But there’s more than one state and they’ve all got different responses.”
“Yeah, but I saw somethng about an African gang in Victoria.”
“Did they kill someone?
“No, but they wrote MTS on the wall of a place they broke into or something. Doesn’t matter, that stands for ‘Menace To Societ’ so that sounds even more threatening than ISIS. They’re perfect because that not only focuses attention on Dan Andrews who looked like a leader after the euthanisia thing, but it also should appeal to PHON voters.”
“PHON voters? Why?”
“Malcolm, didn’t you just hear me whistle?”
