“Mr Howard said he was an “agnostic” on climate science and he preferred to rely on his instinct, which told him that predictions of doom were exaggerated.”

So there ya go!

It’s all settled. Mr Howard’s “instinct” tells us that the gloom and doom is exaggerated. And that should be enough for anyone. After all, wasn’t this the man whose instinct led the Liberals to four election victories before the electorate got it wrong and he became the second Prime Minister to lose his seat? Who needs so called experts when we have instinct to go on.

I’m inclined to agree. People have a natural tendency to exaggerate. A friend of mine told me that his doctor had warned him that if he didn’t change his lifestyle he wouldn’t see his 75th birthday. “Then the wanker told me that with my blood pressure as high as it was, I could be dead tomorrow. I mean, how ridiculous. That was over three weeks ago, and I’m still here. Do you want another drink?”

But I digress. We’re talking about Mr Howard’s speech which was entitled: “One Religion is Enough.” (I realise that some of you godless, heathen lefties may be mumbling that one is too many, but show the man some respect. He was our Prime Minister. and he wasn’t the sort of PM to have sandwiches thrown at him!) And he’s right about the notion that climate change is like a religion – some of those greenies treat the planet like it’s something to be worshipped rather than a resource to be exploited.

It’s not like the man is solely relying on his “instinct”. He has read a book by Nigel Lawson on the subject. Some argue that one book is not enough. But Howard said that he read it twice. Surely that makes him well qualified to speak on the subject.

Yes, I know. You lefties are probably saying, “Who’s Nigel Lawson?” Well, for your information, not only was he the chancellor in Thatcher’s Government – reason enough to admire him – but he is also the father of Nigella Lawson, that wonderful host of Nigella Bites and the writer of many, many cookbooks.

Of course it does seem to me that there are parrallels between Nigella and her father here. The same zealots who want to close down the economy because of some climate change scare will try to tell you that Nigella’s cooking is unhealthy and far too fatty. Ask yourself, who has the bias – nutritional experts or the host of a TV cooking show? I think you’d all agree that nutritional experts all have an interest in having food declared unhealthy. It’s their way of obtaining funding from the government. Would they like us all to stop eating? What would happen to the economy then, eh?

Lawson’s book (that’s Nigel’s not Nigella’s) makes mention of the fact that there was no warming between 2001 and 2007. It’s also rumoured that the updated version has the spectacular news that there was actual cooling in between August 2012 and October 2012 in England, as well as a spectacular drop of seven degrees in just one day in a village in Shropshire.

So, by reading Lawson’s book – twice – Mr Howard is well qualified to lecture us on climate science. So we should really take notice when he says:

“The ground is thick with rent-seekers. There are plenty of people around who want access to public money in the name of saving the planet.

“Politicians who bemoan the loss of respect for their calling should remember that every time they allow themselves to be browbeaten by the alleged views of experts they contribute further to that lack of respect.”

I’m not sure why their views are “alleged” though. Is this because there’s no proof that what they’re saying is their actual view? I guess that’s true of everyone. Perhaps we should add the alleged bit in front of everything a person says. For example, “Mr Hockey said that he allegedly believes that there’s an alleged confidence returning to the alleged community.”

We all know that the only scientists who can be trusted on this issue are the ones who aren’t getting their funding from the (alleged) government. Mr Howard was in government for years – he must (allegedly) know how easily governments are fooled. No, the only trustworthy scientists are those who go out and get their funding from multinational companies who fund their (alleged) research out of an altruistic desire to find the truth.

But there are a couple of things that troubled me about the title of Mr Howard’s speech: If one religion is enough, which religion is going to be? If it’s Christianity, does that include all denominations?

And will atheism be banned?