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To Take Your Mind of The Budget – Thrown Off Games, My Plan for Australia.


Someone I once worked with said that everyone had at least one good idea in their life that could lead to fame, fortune or both – the trick was knowing which one it was. I, of course, told him that all my ideas were good. The only problem I had was convincing others of how brilliant all my ideas were before I lost interest in them.

Well, while listening to a discussion about the whole Republican versus Monarchist debate, I had one of my best ideas yet. One – I was sure – that I’d have no trouble getting support for. I can’t remember the exact conversation between the two talkback guests but it went something like this:

“But we want an Australian head of state!”

“Surely you don’t want someone that the politicians would appoint. And electing a President would be so divisive. We’re better off with our current system.”

Ah, I thought I have the answer. I contacted the Republican Movement, but like so many on the Left, they just abused me and told me that my idea wasn’t worth sharing. So I contacted Sir David Pint from “People Who’d Rather Be Under A Queen” and, to his credit, he was prepared to take my phone call.

“So what’s your great idea?” he asked.

“It’s simple. We create a compromise.”

“A compromise?”

“Yep. Some people want an Australian Head of State. And you support an hereditary monarchy. So, why don’t we create our own Royal Family?”


“Look, it’s quite simple. We call someone King or Queen of Australia, make them head of state and the role is passed down to their children via the eldest child. Or eldest son, if you want to be a traditionalist about this.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“I’m quite easy about the eldest son thing. Just so long as we get it straight before we decide on the system in advance so that nobody can say that they weren’t warned.”

“How on earth would you decide who was this so called King?”

“I don’t know exactly. Maybe something like a Big Brother show where we found out who was comfortable with being in the public eye. You know, anyone who assaults a member of the paparazzi is excluded.”

“We can’t have an Australian Royal Family.”

“Why not?”

“They wouldn’t be legitimate royals.”

“They would if we say that they are.”

“No, the current Royal Family are the only legitimate Royals.”

“So what makes them legitimate.”

“They were born into the Royal Family.”

“Yeah, but they must have started somewhere. I mean there must have been some dude who work up one day and said this crown suits me, so I’m in charge.”

“You’re talking a long time ago. This has nothing to do with the current Royal Family.”

“Didn’t they descend from this guy? But you’re overlooking the wonderful potential for tourism. The British Royal Family brings in millions. Imagine if we had one that could do that too. I mean there’d be no need Tony Abbott to make being poor more difficult.”

“Abbott isn’t making being poor more difficult.”

“Oh, of course, he’s making it easier to be poor. Anyway, can I count on you to help spread my petition for an Australian Royal Family?”

“You can’t just create a family and call them ‘Royal’. It’s not the same as people who’ve been royal for generations.”

“But William’s mother wasn’t royal, and Kate isn’t royal, so doesn’t that mean that George is only a quarter royal?”

“You clearly don’t understand a thing about Royalty. Good-bye!”

So there ya go. My ex-workmate was right. The trick is knowing which is your one good idea. Maybe I lost him with the “Big Brother” thing. Perhaps I should have stuck with my original thought of making it King Geoffrey Rush. Or perhaps, King Shane of Warne. After all, we do seem to love acting and spin these days…

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  1. Ricardo29

    Why don’t we just legate prince Leonard of Hutt (is he still alive?) and of course Darwin has it’s own King Roman. Check him out. He already has a touch of the George the Third’s.

  2. Ricardo29

    Not legate.. Elevate

  3. Greg Hooper

    we should do “King for a Day” where we run a daily lottery and anyone can get the job for a day. But like jury duty, where if you have something else planned for that day you can get an exemption

  4. Kayla Flamenco Malaysia

    awww there’s a choice that should be there …… elected by the indigenous community I would be very comfortable with that idea x

  5. Kayla Flamenco Malaysia

    or Australian of the year winner …… one year term
    btw thanks for the diversion ….. am currently in panic mode, I want to repatriate, I want to come home and Joe has just made this idea very difficult for me

  6. rossleighbrisbane

    Come home even if only to shake your head and leave again!

  7. Kayla Flamenco Malaysia

    rossleighbrisbane ……… totally sobbing now ……. I needed someone, anyone to just say those words ………much love and many thanks kxfor

  8. Keitha Granville

    Thanks rossleigh for the distraction, heaven knows we need it now. I don’t want to mess with it really, in fact could we have the Royals instead of Abbott and Hockey ?

  9. Stuart Medley

    Surely there are Aboriginal royalty out there? And likely to stretch back way before the English (German?) Johnny-come-latelies. We should adopt the Aboriginal flag too, solving the other problem of having the Union Jack looking over our shoulder.

  10. Bill Morris

    King Wally of Lang Park!

  11. skepticatwork

    Now all I can think of is Tim from Big Brother as King of Australia. Thanks for that. Certainly took my mind off the horror of the Budget.

  12. Anomander

    I heard somewhere that pulling a sword from a stone is a tried and tested method of determining kings.

    I can only hope our monarchy doesn’t descend a Game of Thrones?

    Then again… a good old-fashioned beheading could be quite useful for dealing with certain recalcitrant prime ministers and dragonfire apparently works a treat on media moguls, opinionated fat miners and tax-avoiders?

  13. Phillip Barker

    No Les Patterson? What a dismal charade!

  14. rossleighbrisbane

    Sir Les, like Tony Abbott, is just a made-up character!

  15. jimhaz

    I think one would need to up the ante somewhat.

    Emperor of the Southern Isles

    Actually the true Kings of Kings would be King Oli Garchy

  16. Phillip Barker

    HOW DARE YOU! I’m cancelling my subscription!

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