Sig O’Phant: Good evening, tonight we’re bringing you an interview with the Prime Minister. Good evening, Mr Morrison.
Morrison: Evening.
Sig: Now, this is going to be a hard-hitting interview and I’m not going to let you get away with anything because that’s my job.
Morrison: Of course,
Sig: So I have to ask the hard questions, even though I personally may not think that they’re fair.
Morrison: I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Sig: I mean, you know I didn’t actually write these questions.
Morrison: Let’s get on with it.
Sig: Right. Ok, first question: You’ve had a particularly rough week, how are you sleeping?
Morrison: Not too bad. I’m missing Jen and the kids, of course, because I’ve had to go back to Canberra and quarantine for Parliament but, as PM, one has to make sacrifices. The Olympics have helped and weren’t Australia great in the pool. It’s just wonderful that we’ve managed to secure the 2032 gig for Brisbane thanks to the hard work of whole range of people in my government.
Sig: Excellent. On another matter, are you worried about Sydney?
Morrison: Well, it’s hard not to be, but they have an excellent leader and I’m sure she’s trying her best, even if the task does seem a little beyond her at the moment, but we’re here ready to give whatever support they need and I think that you’ll find that now I’ve talked her into a lockdown, things should be fine any day now.
Sig: So will you be re-introducing JobKeeper?
Morrison: I don’t see the need for that. It was introduced to solve a particular problem and we’re not going to solve last year’s problems with this year’s solutions. We’re going to solve tomorrow’s problems by concentrating on what needs to be done, which is what my government is doing. We’re getting on with it. There’s no point in being wise in hindsight and there’s no point in regretting what you might have done if you’d done something that probably wouldn’t have helped because vaccines aren’t the answer to stopping lockdowns, we just need to be thankful that our Health Minister has worked night and day to get more at some future date so that we don’t need to lock down.
Sig: Someone was suggesting that the only way to suppress the vaccine is to get more vaccines into Sydney. Why don’t we just take them from the states that have no Covid and put the guns where the battle is most intense?
Morrison: Thanks, it was a beautiful Beef Rendang, which is one of the kid’s favourites. Taste.com.au have the recipe.
Sig: Um, er… ah… ok. Mr Morrison, what curry did you cook for your last meal with your family?
Morrison: Yes, we have considered that but it just wouldn’t be fair to those states who didn’t get any. I mean we need to give extra to Sydney but not at the expense of those who need it too because there’s a need and thanks to us we have millions of vaccines on their way in 2022. Thanks to the work of Mr Hunt, millions have had their first dose
Sig: Um… And they enjoyed it?
Morrison: The protests were selfish and they achieved no purpose. If anything they’ve extended the lockdown.
Sig: Excuse me, Mr Morrison, but I think we’ve got our questions and answers jumbled. Would you like to start again?
Morrison: No, let’s just keep going. You can edit them letter and put them all in the right order.
Sig: Ok, but that could be a bit confusing for the rest of the interview. I’m not sure…
Morrison: Your next question was the one about the Labor Party and their backflip on tax cuts.
Sig: I can’t find it.
Morrison: Never mind, find it later and edit it in. I’ll just give you my answer: This just shows that Labor can’t be trusted. They said that they were against them at the next election and now they’ve flipped. How are they going to pay for their promises without the revenue from these taxes?
Sig: I think that’s all I was supposed to ask.
Morrison: You were supposed to ask me about leadership tensions in the Labor Party and how Shorten wants Albanese’s job.
Sig: I thought he wanted your job… Sorry, that was a joke.
Morrison: Not funny. Oh, and by the way, can you keep spreading the rumour that I’ll call an early election if Dutton or Josh actually get the numbers for a spill.
Sig: So you were serious about that?
Morrison: Of course not, but they don’t know that. Although, if they do have the numbers I’d probably be better taking my chance with the electorate, wouldn’t I? I mean, imagine how many more car parks and change rooms we could allocate with the Covid stimulus excuse.
Sig: Ok, well, I’ll get the producer onto the editing. thanks, Mr Morrison.
Morrison: Thank you.
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