By Andrew Richey

ABC Interviewer: PM, do you believe that this government has done enough on climate change?

PM Morrison: Well first of all, Leigh… can I call you Leigh?

ABC Interviewer: Yes but it’s not my name.

PM Morrison: Well, Leigh, climate change has been around since the dawn of time… since Noah and maybe even back 6000 years ago to Adam and Eve.

ABC Interviewer: Are you saying the Earth is only 6000 years old?

PM Morrison: Now you’re putting words in my mouth, Leigh. The fact is climate is… that thing we see when we look outside… unless of course we’re blind… I always want to remember the poor disabled. If we look out the window or door for that matter, we see it and we’ve always seen it throughout human history. Like when we say out in the bush, as Barnaby tells it: “The rains are comin’, love.”

ABC Interviewer: You seem to be very much focused on outdated technology, like coal-fired power plants.

PM Morrison: We must never speak ill of coal. God gave us coal, all those thousands of years ago. Now, Leigh don’t start with the dinosaurs being the ones who made coal, they didn’t have the brains. No, coal and all the other wondrous things we have were God given materials for us to rule the planet in his name. Barnaby himself sleeps with a lump of coal… in fact, and I don’t want to let the cat out of the goanna, they’re expecting.

ABC Interviewer: I see… can we move on to the Banking Royal Commission?

PM Morrison: The banking what now?

ABC Interviewer: The Banking Royal Commission.

PM Morrison: Oh yes… and weren’t the banks wonderful about it. I mean, Leigh if you were being criticised like that, would you turn the other cheek and continue to make money for the good of the Australian people… I doubt it? Only the banks could show such Christian values. Who’s going to look after your money for you, Leigh, if not the banks. You can’t store it all in your copies of Das Kapital, you know.

ABC Interviewer: But the Commission found a lot of questionable practices.

PM Morrison: But the banks said they were sorry and if you were a Christian, Leigh you would understand what forgiveness is.

ABC Interviewer: Being a Christian, shouldn’t your view on asylum seekers be more compassionate?

PM Morrison: Have you ever heard an asylum seeker say sorry for coming here… I don’t think so, Leigh. In fact, all I ever hear is complaining. We even give them accommodation, better accommodation than baby Jesus ever had and what do we hear Leigh, what do we hear?

ABC Interviewer: But, Prime Minster, over the years most of them have being found to be genuine refugees and we have plenty of people arriving by plane that seek asylum.

PM Morrison: Arriving by plane is civilised, it shows they have taken on Western values already and that is havin’ a go, if ever I’ve seen it but boats… that’s Third World stuff. They are different than us, Leigh and anyone different than us should rightfully be feared; It’s just like our sensible fear of solar and wind power…it’s just not natural. If God had wanted us to all live together in harmony He would not have confused our languages at the Tower of Babel and if he wanted us to use wind and solar he would not have given us coal, gas and oil and I do stress the word He here, Leigh.

ABC Interviewer: Let’s move on to LGBTQI Issues. Are you happy with marriage equality?

PM Morrison: Look, the people of Australia have spoken and it’s unfortunate they got it wrong but it’s totally understandable, as the vast majority are heathens who are being deceived by Satan and I don’t mean Bill Shorten… that was a joke, Leigh. Hopefully over time and with the funding of Christian schools Australia will experience a glorious revival and marriage can go back to the way it was with Adam and Eve.

ABC Interviewer: If you win the next election will your government increase unemployment benefits?

PM Morrison: The Bible says if you don’t work, you don’t eat and as most of the voters are going to be tortured in Hell for eternity anyway, going without food is nothing in comparison to that.

ABC Interviewer: What do you think of your opposition?

PM Morrison: Communists through and through. Do you realise that Bill Shorten’s middle name is Marx and Albanese’s is Stalin?

ABC Interviewer: That’s not right.

PM Morrison: That is just the sort of left-wing bias I have come to expect from the ABC and let me tell you, the people of Australia have had a gutful. They are fair dinkum cobbers unlike you Bolsheviks and they don’t want to see millions end up in a gulag in Tassie somewhere near Launceston, like you buggers do. No, we the people have had enough of you pandering to the facts rather than the real bread and butter issues as outlined by the government… would you like to accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour?