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An Interview with Prime Minister Scott Morrison

By Andrew Richey

ABC Interviewer: PM, do you believe that this government has done enough on climate change?

PM Morrison: Well first of all, Leigh… can I call you Leigh?

ABC Interviewer: Yes but it’s not my name.

PM Morrison: Well, Leigh, climate change has been around since the dawn of time… since Noah and maybe even back 6000 years ago to Adam and Eve.

ABC Interviewer: Are you saying the Earth is only 6000 years old?

PM Morrison: Now you’re putting words in my mouth, Leigh. The fact is climate is… that thing we see when we look outside… unless of course we’re blind… I always want to remember the poor disabled. If we look out the window or door for that matter, we see it and we’ve always seen it throughout human history. Like when we say out in the bush, as Barnaby tells it: “The rains are comin’, love.”

ABC Interviewer: You seem to be very much focused on outdated technology, like coal-fired power plants.

PM Morrison: We must never speak ill of coal. God gave us coal, all those thousands of years ago. Now, Leigh don’t start with the dinosaurs being the ones who made coal, they didn’t have the brains. No, coal and all the other wondrous things we have were God given materials for us to rule the planet in his name. Barnaby himself sleeps with a lump of coal… in fact, and I don’t want to let the cat out of the goanna, they’re expecting.

ABC Interviewer: I see… can we move on to the Banking Royal Commission?

PM Morrison: The banking what now?

ABC Interviewer: The Banking Royal Commission.

PM Morrison: Oh yes… and weren’t the banks wonderful about it. I mean, Leigh if you were being criticised like that, would you turn the other cheek and continue to make money for the good of the Australian people… I doubt it? Only the banks could show such Christian values. Who’s going to look after your money for you, Leigh, if not the banks. You can’t store it all in your copies of Das Kapital, you know.

ABC Interviewer: But the Commission found a lot of questionable practices.

PM Morrison: But the banks said they were sorry and if you were a Christian, Leigh you would understand what forgiveness is.

ABC Interviewer: Being a Christian, shouldn’t your view on asylum seekers be more compassionate?

PM Morrison: Have you ever heard an asylum seeker say sorry for coming here… I don’t think so, Leigh. In fact, all I ever hear is complaining. We even give them accommodation, better accommodation than baby Jesus ever had and what do we hear Leigh, what do we hear?

ABC Interviewer: But, Prime Minster, over the years most of them have being found to be genuine refugees and we have plenty of people arriving by plane that seek asylum.

PM Morrison: Arriving by plane is civilised, it shows they have taken on Western values already and that is havin’ a go, if ever I’ve seen it but boats… that’s Third World stuff. They are different than us, Leigh and anyone different than us should rightfully be feared; It’s just like our sensible fear of solar and wind power…it’s just not natural. If God had wanted us to all live together in harmony He would not have confused our languages at the Tower of Babel and if he wanted us to use wind and solar he would not have given us coal, gas and oil and I do stress the word He here, Leigh.

ABC Interviewer: Let’s move on to LGBTQI Issues. Are you happy with marriage equality?

PM Morrison: Look, the people of Australia have spoken and it’s unfortunate they got it wrong but it’s totally understandable, as the vast majority are heathens who are being deceived by Satan and I don’t mean Bill Shorten… that was a joke, Leigh. Hopefully over time and with the funding of Christian schools Australia will experience a glorious revival and marriage can go back to the way it was with Adam and Eve.

ABC Interviewer: If you win the next election will your government increase unemployment benefits?

PM Morrison: The Bible says if you don’t work, you don’t eat and as most of the voters are going to be tortured in Hell for eternity anyway, going without food is nothing in comparison to that.

ABC Interviewer: What do you think of your opposition?

PM Morrison: Communists through and through. Do you realise that Bill Shorten’s middle name is Marx and Albanese’s is Stalin?

ABC Interviewer: That’s not right.

PM Morrison: That is just the sort of left-wing bias I have come to expect from the ABC and let me tell you, the people of Australia have had a gutful. They are fair dinkum cobbers unlike you Bolsheviks and they don’t want to see millions end up in a gulag in Tassie somewhere near Launceston, like you buggers do. No, we the people have had enough of you pandering to the facts rather than the real bread and butter issues as outlined by the government… would you like to accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour?

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  1. Ken Butler

    Pointless article … at both ends.
    And that’s my opinion as a rusted-on labor voter

  2. Peter F

    Yes, pointless: what do you expect from this PM?

  3. Shaun Newman

    This should tell the average punter everything they need to know about this religious fanatic, they don’t make good PMs in my humble opinion, take Abbott for example.

  4. Shaun Newman

    Ken, you of course would not be a rusted on tory voter whose ignorance keeps the filthy rich that way would you? You pretenders like to buy Statesman’s or these days Audi’s or beamers pretending that you too are one of the filthy rich, whilst not realizing that we are all laughing at you lol.

  5. Andrew

    It is a comedy piece, it didn’t actually happen, though maybe it could…

  6. terence millst

    ABC Interviewer: One more question Prime Minister and it concerns the medical evacuation of refugees and asylum seekers to Australia for urgent medical attention.

    PM Morrison Well Leigh, minister Dutton is accommodating the will of the parliament and any such persons feigning illness will be brought to Christmas Island – it’s part of Australia you know [sniggers] and if they are really crook we’ll send a doctor from Perth over to check up on them and then it’s straight back to Manus to serve the remainder of their sentence.

    ABC Interviewer But Prime Minister these people have not committed any crime and have not been convicted or sentenced.

    PM Morrison There you go, Leigh, if you paid more attention to Peta Credlin, Paul Murray and that nice Chris Kenny and all those good folk on SKY you would know that these people are rapists, murderers and paedophiles ; they just haven’t been caught yet and you can’t charge or convict somebody until they are caught : surely the ABC understand that ?.

    ABC Interviewer : PM it seems nonsensical to fly sick people from Nauru in the middle of the Pacific Ocean to Christmas Island in the middle of the Indian Ocean for medical treatment on an island where they don’t have adequate medical facilities.

    PM Morrison There you go Leigh, that’s not something that I favour but that’s what you get from Mr Shorten. But minister Dutton is on to that, Peter has mates on Nauru and they will block any electronic skype medical second opinions from taking place and as you know Leigh Ms Phelps wanted two medical assessments – well it just won’t happen will it ?

    ABC Interviewer So would you agree PM that you have effectively neutered the urgent medical evacuation legislation ?

    PM Morrison Leigh, neutered is a hard word , what Peter and I have done is just f#cked them over !

  7. helvityni

    Andrew Richey et Terence Mills,

    Most enjoyable, both of you..

    Leigh Sales tries a bit harder not to be too friendly with Scomo and Co… With Chris Bowen and Bill Shorten she is just plain rude…

  8. New England Cocky

    ‘[T]he people of Australia have had a gutful” of Sunday morning Christians prosletysing their distortion of Christian biblical values to justify their own personal self-serving materialistic gains.

    It’s time ….. again!!

  9. Ken Butler

    For the record, Shaun, I am an 87 yr old pensioner struggling to survive each fortnight with a 44yr old disabled son not yet with an NDIS plan.
    Sorry I offended you, m a a t e, but that was my genuine opinion.
    Calm down and show some respect.
    We are both hoping for the same election result.
    PS. What sort of vehicle do YOU drive?

  10. Bronte ALLAN

    Well said! If this wasn’t so true it wouldn’t be as comical. This “interview” would almost be the same if Leigh Sales had actually asked the PM these questions. Oh, sorry, these were his “real” (?) answers! This happy clapper would be if he could be a “proper” & decent human being, oh, hang on, he is a “christian”, or so he says!

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