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The Tory talent pool

This is the best they’ve got!

While Scott Morrison was rooting the country daggy style, with every emergency met with the best stage-managed photo-ops he (we?) could afford, he cultivated a cohort of wideboys and carpet baggers, he indulged his cronies and stood over a coterie of nutters, fabulists and no-hopers. Many were dragged behind the cow shed in the Great Cleansing of 21 May 2022 with the surviving dross now charged with reframing the tainted Tory brand.

But, the L/NP machine is so invested in the grift, so committed to quackery and deceit that they won’t shift. They can’t. There’s a consistent theme when it comes to Tories – a resistance to progress motivated by the privilege that is threatened by change. They have a yearning to cling to the past yet have a desperate need to remove the fingerprints of their complicity in it. And they are so intimidated by competent governance that in opposition, rather than seek to emulate it, they’ve piled on with a campaign to discredit it.

Pending further attrition due to criminal charges there are some prominent contenders for a future Tory regime – the crème de la crime, the semi-sentient and the sociopathic effluvia of a reviled cartel.

Placeholder opposition leader Peter Cuddles Dutton toyed briefly with the notion of smiling in public. After squeaks of alarm from small children he’s reverted to his default expression of a Rottweiler shown a card trick. Pete’s throttled back on the overt racism in favour of undermining the idea that after 200+ years of ostracism and failed paternalism indigenous Australians should have a say in their own future.

Sussan Ley (rapper name LeyZ) has the frantic demeanour of someone who’s escaped through a hedge after being attacked by badgers. Histrionics and snark appear to be the style that Suss has elected to run with. She’s dipped into the Lib’s clutching-straws basket and drawn out Michaelia Cash’s puerile 2019 EV fear campaign. Is that really her theme for delivering on her “message to the women of Australia…we’re listening. We’re talking. And we are determined to earn back your trust and your faith“?

“No one in the world is making an electric ute…”

2IC in the “technology not taxes” party. FMD!

The Tories’ strategy of winning back women involves rolling out the strap-ons. Holly Hughes’ petulance at Labor’s cheek of actually governing comes across as air escaping from the bycatch of a deep-sea trawler’s fishing net. Jane Hume, needy and clingy, is not the feminist ideal that right-wingers may imagine. Bang Bang McKenzie, MS Excel super-user and Miss Appropriation 2019 has settled upon an ‘up yours’ approach to redemption while the sound of shovels scraping on gravel has faded now that Michaelia Cash has foregone many of her screeching engagements.

Being mentored by Barnaby Joyce is not a sign that you’re a visionary on top of your game. Matt King Coal Canavan’s testicles remain undescended and his mum still irons his jeans. His pontifications on climate and energy are a waft from soiled laundry, redolent of stale socks and undie crust and should be of no importance. His presence in other circumstances would be as consequential as a shiver from a passing breeze. However Matty has dedicated himself to the cause of profit from planetary destruction and hence contributed in no small way to the wipe-out in once safe Lib enclaves across the country. The coalition’s response to this is that, as a Nationals oik, he’s entitled to say the quiet bits of their manifesto out loud.

As for Bananaby Bender, the fleshy root vegetable and wobbley-booted national embarrassment whose greatest fear is the call for last drinks – he remains on the front bench, a literal and metaphorical hang-over. He’s an imbecilic, walking wardrobe malfunction (who let the boob out?). Adorned with a comically large hat for the rube cred, BJ fancies himself as a rustic sage, a champion of the rural underdog, blessed with insights that escape those with an education, an enquiring mind or serviceable IQ. Facts, logic, science, arithmetic, history – all are entirely dispensable to Barns who has accumulated his wisdom from the back of beer coasters, check-out queues at IGAs, backblocks mayors and Wally the servo mechanic who does his dentistry.

Bananaby no doubt maintains a belief that he can yet again regain his rightful position as big knob of the Frackers & Miners but the pork barrel bonanzas he favours as the price of his “best retail politician” gyp have been kyboshed by his exile to opposition. Any ambition of his for resurrection will be vigorously undermined by both his current and previous bosses – dopey Dave (known by his Sioux name of Littleproud) and MickeyMac McCormack, the man in the muddle, a gormless dullard of such bovine vacuity that he’s been rejected by rescue dogs as too far gone.

Conjecture has it that Brother Stuie and Fingers Taylor may be too busy inventing alibis and shredding evidence to figure prominently – other than on wanted posters.

Since failing the Burke and Hare quality test John Howard the beloved icon of the calcified has been kept in cold storage for emergency deployment. Whenever the Tories feel the need to resort to their culture wars Johnnie gets thawed out to stalk the streets of marginal electorates accosting alarmed strangers to remind them of how good the 1950s were. This has never paid off and so we can expect Einstein’s maxim to be re-activated some three years hence by the geniuses of the Lib PR unit.

Some of the Tories most vociferous RWNJ cheersquadders have faded from view. When much of the once-prominent queen of confected outrage Alan Gloria Jones’ audience began ‘pining for the fjords’ he retreated to his sprawling southern highlands manor to shout at clouds and restock his butler’s pantry. In his absence a chum bucket of Trumpist Fox News wannabes have stepped up to monetise the idiocy at the trailing end of the IQ bell curve. Their powers of persuasion are as sophisticated as their shitty takes – they’re shouting down the hallway at those befuddled simpletons who want their opinions to be formed by others.

If this is what Labor (and the Greens and independents) are up against then the Tories will be in opposition for some time yet. Perhaps we can now regain our national dignity.

This article was originally published on Grumpy Geezer.

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  1. New England Cocky

    OK GG ….. How long did you spend skulking through the back blocks of New England to research our ”beloved” Beetrooter? You certainly provide an accurate picture of the adulterous, alcoholic, amoral representative of the ”Australian Family Values” shared by the fellow Nazional$ members taking an active part in politics.

    Indeed, it is often said in the towns that ”Women who support adultery support Nazional$” an assertion based on successive election wins to maintain the electorate as a 19th century theme park.

  2. Grumpy Geezer

    Had always had a suspicion you’re not a Barnaby fan, NEC.

  3. pierre wilkinson

    astute observations as always, Grumpy

  4. Kerri

    Is it just me or does Dutton leave the difficult pressers to Ley?

  5. RoadKillCafe

    Kerri, this is a result of the brilliant strategy adopted by the lying nasty party. They recognise they have what is termed a woman problem, i.e, they are at best third class, should be at home awaiting their master’s beck and call and, basically, have nothing worthwhile to say and definitely should not be here with us men. So, you see, duckwit-futton, to show he’s right in there with this equality stuff, feeds little ssusssy a couple of red bulls, go forth, says petey, cast our pearls of wisdom before the swine, some of whom have been known to say, are you fucking serious. Nevertheless, it is the bonehead duckwit-futton who thinks he, freshly armed after his recent usofa sojourn with the latest republican bullshit, is pulling the strings. So hopelessly out of his depth even a Bondi lifeguard would be hard pressed saving this passionless, vile creature. We are truly fortunate that he is as dumb as dogshit.

  6. leefe

    ” … failing the Burke and Hare quality test … ”

    loud applause

    That’s about the best – and most accurate – thing anyone has ever said about LJH.

  7. Michael Taylor

    Grumpy, wondering if your autocorrect is playing up.

    Do you mean “Talent pool” of “Latent tool”?

    Or maybe even “Latent loop” or “Latent loot”?

  8. ajogrady

    Once you strip away the blatant ingrained insidious and systemic corruption, the obvious and absolutely consistent poor judgement, the culpable and dangerous incompetence, the continual deception and the constant distortion, the endless creations of laws and opportunities to suppress and stifle contrary debate, the flagrant sneaky and self serving promotion of religious faith at the expense of political integrity, the erroneous attempts to hamper voting, the anger and disgust generated by cutting and running leaving our Afghani comrades in arms to their fate, the crippling of living standards, the devious and unfettered betrayal of Australias sovereignty to the US, the culpable treachery in the ruination of good international trade and international relations, the trashing of Australias good international reputation, the shambolic and totally inept governance standards, the deceitful marketing spin and hypocritical sloganeering plus being a constant and continuous impediment to Australia and Australians reaching their true potential what does the L/ NP actually stand for? What is left? What is left is a snide, sneering, sniping, selfish, smug and contemptuous ideology that nurtures, coddles and promotes corrupt to the core thugs, swindlers, chiselers, fraudsters, shysters, cheats and con artists, solicitors of anonymous brown paper bag donations, pathetic debauched degenerates and perverted misogynistic misfits, pseudo Christian cult wack jobs, fanatical religious lunatics, QAnon advocates, cowardly saber rattling war mongering hawks, sadistic and selfish economic vandals, problamatic climate skeptic fundamentalists, environmental saboteurs and desecrators, first nations people apathetic Judases, handicappers to the handicapped, oppressors of the needy and the disadvantaged, enablers of the obscenely wealthy parasitic profiteers, drunken lecherous fornicators and provocateurs plus egotistical born to rule privilaged narcissistic sociopaths and psychopaths that are devoid of standards, principles, values, morals, ethics, honesty, and basic empathy always rorting, stealing, fiddling, fudging, obfuscating and basically out and out blatant lying while being protected by a maliciously biased, pathetic sycophantic and delusional media.
    Influenced by professional predatory lobbyists whores and directed by crooked callous conservative think tanks whose shadowy underbelly of criminality makes Ned Kelly look like a gentleman. The L/NP not only do not represent most Australians but do not respect them.
    Members of the L/NP are selfish corrupt cowardly sooks of, at best, average talent. They are defined by their privilage and family connections that explains their mediocrity. Merit and ability is always a secondary consideration when deceit and deception is considered meritorious and rat cunning and a Machiavellian character is considered ability.
    The L/NP have managed to create a massive trust deficit not only domestically but internationally that has left Australias once good reputation in tatters and Australia is now bordering on pariah state status. “Private and confidential” is a misnomer to the L/NP. Diplomacy, critical thinking and cause and effect are foreign concepts to the L/NP. These failings will have or result in dire consequences and outcomes for Australia and Australians. In particular the L/NP believe that success is the ability to go from one total failure to another total failure with no loss of enthusiasm or any sign of a guilty conscience or any shame.The L/NP not only rewards lethargic sneaks, cheats and sly back stabbers but consider mediocrity as their gold standard.
    The L/NP are an insult to equitable governance standards and egalitarian rule. The L/NP are not fit to hold any form of public office in a functioning, vibrant nation that is a cohesive humane society. Australia was built on the egalitarian theme of “a fair go” for all where “the greater good” is paramount to its fundamental beliefs. These values created strong and proud foundations that builds better futures for the many not just the few. These strong ethical values are an anomaly and an aberration to the L/NP. Somebody once said that Fascism comes wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.
    Enough is enough.
    Australians dont need “can do” capitalism they need a “can do” government.
    Nine years of the insanity, turmoil and malfeasance that masqueraded as governance by the L/NP has seen Australia become barely recognisable as the once great egalitarian nation it once was.
    Australians have got to stop voting against there own best interests or they will forever be remembered as the people from the land of boiling frogs.
    Lest we forget.

    The rot began with John Howard

    Myth of Coalition govts: Howard the biggest spender of all

  9. Canguro

    GL, given that Perrottet has seven children, that image of a wet noodle is just a touch disturbing! 🙂

  10. Michael Taylor

    Canguro, please don’t discriminate. Any image of Perrottet is disturbing. 😁

  11. New England Cocky

    @ ajogrady says it all:

    ”Enough is enough.

    Australians dont need “can do” capitalism they need a “can do” government.

    Nine years of the insanity, turmoil and malfeasance that masqueraded as governance by the L/NP has seen Australia become barely recognisable as the once great egalitarian nation it once was.

    Australians have got to stop voting against there own best interests or they will forever be remembered as the people from the land of boiling frogs.

    Lest we forget.”

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