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South African Farmers Reject Australia As Destination Because Of Fears Of Ball Tampering!

Cricket is like religion.

By that, I simply mean that for its advocates, there’s a lot of time standing around, waiting, with the promise of something happening sometime in the future, while the non-believers can’t understand the appeal… Or indeed, why bowlers appeal when the ball is clearly missing leg stump!

However, there’s a certain shock to many when someone who professes to be virtuous is suddenly caught with their pants down. . Surely they shouldn’t have been the ones to have been doing the ball tampering. (In the interest of clarity, I’d like to add that I am refering to the Australian cricket team here, before any religious organisation sues me!)

Of course, I could go on about how there have been many cricketers caught doing exactly what the Australian cricketers did. The only difference was that Steve Smith actually admitted it was a plan concocted by the leadership group. This would be akin to a church saying, “Of course we tried to hush it up!” It’s not so much that someone was cheating -it’s that the captain admitted that he knew about it. This would be akin to Malcolm Turnbull admitting that he knew about Barnaby Joyce’s relationship with Vikki Campion; it’s far better to lie because if you tell the truth, people are shocked. So the shocking thing is that Smith admitted it was a plan, and not a spur-of-the-moment brain fade like Shane Warne had when he took the masking agent because his mum gave it to him and not because he was taking steriods to help with his injured shoulder. No, it was a nasty calculated thing and not just stupidity like Turnbull and Warne.

But I’m a bit worried that if I start talking about the whole cricket thing, we’ll miss the wider issue here:

How can we expect those poor, persecuted South African farmers to think of us as “civilised country” any more?

I mean, how can we give precedence to South African farmers and move them up in the queue, now that Steve Smith has been so evil as to cheat in a cricket game. Surely they won’t want to come to our country such as ours and we’ll have to give their places to the people who’ve been waiting patiently in the queue that those coming by boat are trying to jump. As John Howard said, “We will decide who’s in the queue and the manner in which they come.” It’s got nothing to do with the colour of their skin. As the special treatment for certain people showed, it’s all to do with the colour of their money.

I mean, what Steve Smith did was the most outrageous thing we’ve heard about for years. After all, it was a cricket game. And it was a test match. It’s not one of these johnny come lately 20/20 affairs. This is a serious breach of all the ethics that all the cricket playing countries – the civlised ones – hold dear.

Yes, yes, I know that some of you non-believers don’t understand the importance of what’s happened and in your blasphemous way, you’d rather concentrate on the sale of the Tesla battery in South Australia or the destruction of the Great Barrier Reef or the 29th losing Newspoll in row (must be rigged – how could Malcolm not be adored as the second son of Mary?)!

But, ffs, this is about cricket. And it’s certainly worth all the media attention at the moment.

Even if the AFL did start this week, we should ignore that to talk about this…

Some things are more important than sport.


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  1. New England Cocky

    What made you think that Australia was a “civilised country”? Well, we fight wars for the USA (United States of Apartheid) and throw a lot of good money after bad buying US weapon systems that frequently are “delayed in development” then turn out to be second rate; however our generous donations make the US NE military industrial complex shareholders very rich. Then we banish legal refugees to tropical hells on Manus and Nauru so that US prison corporations may benefit financially by imposing inhumane regimes that could reasonably be described as unmitigated torture. Then there is the Aboriginal question; is it moral for most of the government funding for Aboriginals in the Northern Territory to be spent in air conditioned offices in Darwin and Alice Springs rather than in the Aboriginal communities for which it was allocated? Of course, Australia must be a “civilised country” because the financial policies follow the discredited “trickle down effect’ that has made billionaires of US and Australian millionaires, while the about $150 BILLION PER YEAR gifted to the undeserving wealthy and corporates shows that with largesse from the taxpayer’s revenues, anybody can be a”good ole boy”!!!

  2. Matters Not

    Seems to me that Dutton is advocating queue jumping even for those not in any queue and not even contemplating same. Perhaps it’s an advocacy for forced queue jumping? But only if you’re white. (Nothing to do with racism – it’s a very simple argument – no room for black and white nuance because that would be racist.)

    Perhaps if I said it once again it would be clear?

  3. Glenn Barry

    Steve Smith is real Liberal leadership material, Malcolm should be worried

  4. Rossleigh

    Nah, Glenn Barry, a real leadership material captain would have blamed Cameron Bancroft and offered him a job somewhere else!

  5. corvus boreus

    Matters Not,
    If you said it thrice (once twice again) it would no doubt become not only clear but true.

  6. Matters Not

    corvus boreus – Perhaps if I SHOUTED it would make all the difference? But maybe not to those at the back of the mythical queue – you know the unworthy black ones?

  7. Joseph Carli

    Down the aisle..
    your shopping correspondent.

    They’re taking the mickey out on us, of “us”, I mean us baby-boomers.. The good lady has the March edition of a cooking magazine open to the page showing a vegan pizza!…a vegan pizza do you mind..

    “Oh well,” I reflect as I stir the proffered cup of “ginger zinger” tea..(I almost added milk!) “I suppose you could use the recipe there and just throw the salami on top as well to cheer it up”..

    “It says to use “cauliflower mince” as the topping..” she read out.

    “Cauliflower mince!!??” I exclaim…” WTF is cauliflower mince??” But of course it is a wasted see, we are both getting to that age where the medicinal diet is an imperative if you want to make 100 years with still a bit of lead in the pencil..and now it is only in sentimental daydreams of a wasted youth in Darwin that I can “taste” that “super-size” take-away meal of “Porky’s spare ribs” with side bag of chips and sauce, washed down with many cans of that gentle beer and a television replay of “Father Knows Best”!…Ahh!,,they knew how to make sit-coms in those days.

    I remember a past marriage when we were mixed up with an “alternative education group” and my then partner adopted what could best be called “alternative protein” foods with fanatical zeal, and tofu and tabouli was a fixed item on our weekly menu..Tabouli goes well with a nice cut of lamb..a nice juicy cut of lamb..NOT tofu..tofu goes well sitting in its plastic packaged wrap in the rack of the fridge door..and staying there until it goes green.
    It got to the stage where I would cunningly seek forewarning of such meals and stop off at a known small-town bakery on my way home from a hard day’s work and fill up on their renowned protein enriched pies and perhaps a macaroon or two..they had wonderful macaroons.

    Needless to say, that marriage failed on the grounds of gastronomical cruelty.

    But then when I was last at the mega shopping emporium, I had to park up the trolley while the good lady perused the selections of flours..besan, lupin, f#ckin’ spelt, buckwheat…is there a hemp flour?…because there oughta be!..there’s hemp everythin else!..: Hemp seeds, hemp oil, hemp protein..and I believe you can even get..wait for it!..: hemp beer!’s cruel, isn’t it!?..and of course there nothing you can do with the hemp except, I’ll bet, plonk it on some vegan pizzas or something..Though you can’t tell me some wide-eyed hop-head hasn’t bought a pack of seeds and tried to grow his own, just on the off chance. . .

    Ah..I’ve just about had enough of it..all this growing old and healthy is about as bad as growing old and sober..there’s little to recommend it, it’s like that episode of “The Hollow Men” where the garrulous old politician flings the capers out of his sandwich..

    “Why do they want to continually try to re-invent the f#ckin’ sandwich!!?”

    I’d say the same with pizza..: “If it aint broke, DON’T f#ckin’ vegan it !! “

  8. Kaye Lee


    Funny you should mention blame. My husband and I were discussing this evening how Smith just had to say it was “the leadership team”. That’s just dragging others under the bus with you… maybe he has political potential.

  9. Kaye Lee


    Just a thought….you could do your own cooking and have it just how you want?

  10. Cool Pete

    If Dutton (seemingly acting as a one-man band) is supposedly colour-blind, why isn’t he offering asylum to truly endangered people? Because he’s a racist, that’s why.

  11. johno

    Joseph, I think you would be wise to take Kaye’s advise.

  12. Joseph Carli

    Kaye and johno…I always live by the wise maxim that one cheerfully and generously delegates to those most skilled, those most artistic, those occupations requiring the most “veneration” and most worthy of honour and praise..That may, perhaps, in some instances, have something to do with our differences on the delivery of social topics.

    My partner’s skills in the culinary “profession” are of the highest order..and to try to emulate would be like …well..I can think of a comparison, but in the interests of tranquility . . .

  13. helvityni

    The only Pizza I’ll have comes from a wood fired pizza oven; It’s called Pizza Napolitano, the base is very thin, the bottom and the edges have a sprinkling of coarser flour imported from Napoli, Italian cheese (not too much), anchovies fillets, few tasty little tomatoes, plus some Basil leaves….. Not a piece of pineapple to be seen, I once had a PINEAPPLE focaccia in Sydney…yack…( a friend ordered it whilst I was sent to get the tickets for a very popular movie….)

    What an earth is a meat-lovers Pizza ?

    If I remember right the American Philosopher on Q&A said the responsibility and the blame lies on the leaders of the this game/ sport, CRICKET.

  14. Joseph Carli

    ” What an earth is a meat-lovers Pizza ?”…Of course, helvi’ the “Margherita” on a thin base with a tad of olive oil “pooling” in the centre, straight from a wood-fired oven with a stubbie of Peroni beer is the creme-della-creme..but surely we can afford to include on some a ultra-thin “mention” of cured proscuito…or that favourite “dab” of salami…..purely for sentimental sake?…

    Here…just for tu!..

  15. helvityni

    …of course ‘cured prosciutto…or that favourite “dab” of salami’ (cured meats) are always fine, but chicken and meatballs embedded in a centimetre thick layer of cheese…no thanks…

  16. Joseph Carli

    ” . . . but chicken and meatballs embedded in a centimetre thick layer of cheese…”….THAT’s not a pizza!…THAT’s a banquet!!

  17. Frank Smith

    All this talk of classic Italian pizza – what about classic Italian cars? I posted the following comment on another article last week:

    Another action of Border Farce nearly slipped under the radar this week, but was picked up in this article in ABC News:

    The stupidity displayed here is only outranked by Border Farce’s attempts to randomly spot check citizens in Melbourne shortly after they were issued with their new gold braided black uniforms. But let’s move on and pick up some of the points that have been made:

    The Sydney Morning Herald reported on 16th Jan 2016:

    “The Department of Immigration is spending more than $1.3 million on medals for its staff, outspending the Department of Defence and prompting new concerns about the militarisation of the portfolio.”

    Border Farce has announced it is striking a new medal to be known as the “The Great Australian Maserati Bust Medal”. The medal will be awarded to all those valiant Border Farce Officers and Department of Home Affairs Managers who courageously prevented dangerous classic Maserati cars from violating Australia’s National Security and causing the deaths of very many ordinary Australian women and children. Obergruppenführer Dutton has commended his alert jackbooted officers who prevented this serious violation of our National Security and declared that “Any Classic car arriving by boat will never be allowed into Australia”. The Obergruppenführer has ordered all classic Maseratis to be impounded and shipped to Australia’s detention facilities in Manus Island or Nauru where they are to remain until the last refugee in those facilities is deported to a “Third Country” or dies. Obersecretary of the Department of Home Affairs, Mike Pezzullo, has expedited the removal of these dangerous cars from Australia’s shores and has vowed that no classic car will ever be allowed to attempt to violate our Borders again. Both Prime Minister Turdball and ex-Prime Minister rAbbott have praised Obergruppenführer Dutton for his prompt and unyielding action in preventing this existential threat to all Australians. ex-PM rAbbott added that Australia should not be importing foreign cars – we should be driving Australian built cars or white cars from South Africa.

    And even the Australian cricket team is now adding to our national embarrassment!

  18. helvityni

    …yes, Frank, so much to be upset, or even depressed about, the bloody Border Force, the fate of young asylum seeker children self harming, wanting to die, the dicks of Dixon and from anywhere else ruining the country….

    So much to be sad about, I have to leave Donald, and all the cocky cricket boys for others to fret about…

    And I pray and hope that the Finnish Government will stay out the Putin bashing…so far they have been saved by their diplomacy…

  19. diannaart

    Is cricket the only game to have problems with “ball-tampering”.

    If so, could not the little red ball be constructed a little differently? Also, don’t the stitches across the ball, influence trajectory, and impact of bat hitting ball?

    I don’t really care about answers to the above because I find the entire episode quite banal – other teams have been accused of ball-tampering so why are we surprised Australians would succumb to the temptation?

    Meanwhile our politicians are up to far worse tampering with our democracy.

  20. Helen

    Cricket be damned. Just want to say, do read Nick Martin’s interview with Triggs, Diary of a Nauru Doctor, in Meanjin, and broadcast (in part?) on RN today and 2 days ago. Also want to remind readers that the Iceland PM had to resign after 3 days when the Panama Papers revealed he had stashed his wealth in the Caymans. Our PM did the same, was outed too, but here no one cares. As for Finland, guess the Finns fear another invasion, to add to Crimea and Ukraine. Finally, I feel that this medal story is an early Aprils Fool joke. Must be.

  21. Joseph Carli

    Australia is showing all the symptoms of a nation without direction..Neo-liberal economics and social policy has taken us down a god-awful road of material wealth but has destroyed our soul in doing so. The zenith of a doctrine of consumerism has the nation abandoning its self-respect and the respect of our neighbours to throw ourselves at the feet of the God of Bling…all is glitter, all is financial reward.

    There is only one way back from this wasteland and that is through stabilising the workplace with full-time, reliable work for most of the population..The Govt’ has to do this..NOT the private sector…We have to re-write our social obligation manifesto from the worship of individual success to community goals..The nation must take back control of the essential utilities form the private sector and regulate fierce control of the banking sector.

    There is no other way..there has to be a govt’ of, by and for the people..We can all feel that we are fast running out of time..and no amount of vicious policing will bring it back under control.

    Time to change the rules.

  22. helvityni

    Corvus Boreus, so pleased I had my dinner BEFORE discovering this horror….

  23. johno

    There is also a cheese lovers pizza for the lactose inspired.

  24. Will

    Duttons not colour blind he’s deaf dumb and stupid, and racist. Oh the poor (white) South African farmers. They persecuted the blacks since day one, now they are crying persecution. I wonder how fast a black South African farmer would get here? But hey their not persecuted are they. Stuff Peter Dutton, he’s dead to me. In fact you’ll get more empathy from a corpse.

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