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So Why Wasn’t That Boat Turned Back?

Yeah, it’s satire, right? It’s a newspaper article from next week.

February 23rd, 2019


A boat of asylum seekers/illegal immigrants/rapists and murders (this depends on whether you read ABC/Murdoch/radio shock jocks) has landed on Christmas Island.

“This is on Bill Shorten’s head,” Peter Dutton announced to a waiting media, who watched the arrival from the beach on Christmas Island, after a tipoff that Michaelia Cash assured everyone wasn’t from her office. “We’ll need to open several thousand detention centres and give the contract to those two guys with an office on Kangaroo Island. They’ll probably need to charge at least a miillion dollars per illegal immigrant and that’s why the deficit has blown out again!”

Back in Canberra, Scott Morrison was asked if this meant that his border protection policies had failed. He replied that this was almost certainly Shorten’s fault, and whatever, “No information on boats got through under my watch, so if it was a stuff-up, it was on Dutton’s watch, and we know that even though he wasn’t as good as me and I’m PM, I’m still ambitious for him and we certainly agree that most important thing is that this is why Shorten must never be PM.”

Of course, surely if a boat actually arrived nobody would report it like this. They’d point out that, whichever way you look at it, the boat got through on your watch, so you can’t blame Labor. At this point they’d say it was because the boats all started up again and we’d cut funding so that we could get the Budget back in the black, and someone would ask then why were you paying a private company so much for security when you could have put all the asylum seekers in a luxury hotel in Sydney with room service for half the cost.

Of course, a luxury hotel in Sydney wouldn’t be a disincentive and the people smugglers would probably put that in their “brochures” which they hand out to people from the Middle East to who just happen to be on the streets of Indonesia with no intention of coming to Australia…

And this Bill that they passed is unconstitutional and illegal and Bill Shorten will never be PM because people care more about not treating sick people than they care about how we’ve fucked up just about everything we’ve touched including two Prime Ministers…

Oh, wait. This is not satire any more. I’m just describing the world that Christopher Pyne seems to live in.

Still, at least we can thank them for action on climate change. I know this because Tony Abbott just claimed credit for marriage equality. I mean, he opposed it every step of the way, but it happened anyway…

Maybe he’ll claim credit for Bill Shorten being PM one day. At least that has a bit more credibility than anything else they’re claiming today.

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  1. My say

    What a great day, humanity won,against fear and lies,the only way for Asylum Seekers to arrive is ,for them to be let through ,and that will be on Morrison’s head they are still in charge of our borders

  2. Kaye Lee

    We must let Labor know that we are happy about this. But I also remember it took the courage of the crossbench to prompt Labor to find its humanity.

  3. Jon Chesterson

    And Dutton now claims in ABC interview this evening that there are serious criminals, paedophiles and murderers on Manus and Nauru we will now be letting into the country as a result of this Bill. Delusional, slanderous, gaslighting, he is worse than Trump. Why isn’t Dutton charged with criminal intent to mislead the people, abuse and defamation? If only it were just satire!

    I do think Dutton and his new Border Force and national security empire will manufacture or commission a boat, probably even fund a pirate smuggler from Indonesia, so he can blame Bill Shorten and Labor. He’s got the means, the motive and the opportunity, don’t think he won’t use it, even if it is to get re-elected, and who will be brave enough to question him then.

  4. Cynthia

    The only reason we now have Pastor Morrison and the “Dutton” is because the Abbott lied (no cuts to our ABC etc. etc.) to get the coalition into Parliament. We must not forget that these lies are the only reason they were elected and which were used for them to get “into power”. I wonder how many more lies we will have to endure before it is time to vote again.

  5. Matters Not

    While we are all at sea – both literally and figuratively – those cunning brown people are coming by other means.

    whilst boat arrivals of asylum seekers has stopped, asylum seekers are coming to Australia in record numbers by air. In 2017/2018, 27,931 asylum seekers came by air and claimed protection visas. That compares with 18,365 asylum seekers who came by boat in 20 12/2013 at the peak of the inflow

    JOHN MENADUE. Asylum seekers are pouring into Australia in record numbers by air, but the media and politicians are not interested in the facts.

    Perhaps Dutton’s next move will be to follow the lead provided by Trump and build a wall. Or maybe – import one from China? They have kilometres to spare and when it comes to deal making we are so, so good. Remember Cambodia?

  6. Max Gross

    The bizarre claim (which is the latest script the increasingly desperate LNP clown posse is reading from) that there are serious criminals, paedophiles and murderers on Manus and Nauru really beggars belief. I mean, if true, how come they are not receiving the same health care that actual convicted serious criminals, paedophiles and murderers in Australian prisons get?

  7. David1

    I had a brief listen to Sky News this morning to hear what tripe was being dished up, after the Govt’s loss in the HOR yesterday.

    No surprise the pundits were praising the brave Govt for not calling an election and the wimp Minister Birmingham was spouting numbers like a computer gone haywire, in true Trump lying mode. Plus of course the when it happens Coalition election cry, ‘Labor have issued a free invitation to boat smugglers’. More lock up your daughters wailing, the illegals are coming again. Under Labor the country is doomed.

    What sickening BS.

  8. New England Cocky

    “Oh, wait. This is not satire any more.” Remember “the Children Overboard” lying fiasco manufactured by the MSM to get little Johnnie “Flakjacket” Howard elected in 2001?? Do not be surprised when a boat turns up on Cottesloe Beach Perth in the week before the Federal election, whenever it is called.

    The principal cause of this failed “border protection policy(?)” is that there are insufficient high speed RAN patrol boats deployed in NW Australian waters and insufficient RAAF flying hours doing aerial surveillence. Instead of paying enormous amounts to mates of the Liabral Party to provide private services, the government should be using this flying time to train RAAF pilots and RAN seamen.

    @Cynthia: “I wonder how many more lies we will have to endure before it is time to vote again.” Wot???? Good Sunday morning Christians telling lies??? Never in church but frequently in public statements.

    @MN: Now, now MN, that was one of the key solutions for border security …. and it only cost a mere $60 MILLION or so.

    @Max Gross: Because they are reputable refugees who came to Australia by boats, just like the English criminals in 1788, so they should get worse treatment than the convicts because they are putting the PRC external migration programme at risk.

    @David1: What else does the RAbbott Turdball Morriscum NLP (No Lasting Policies) misgovernment have? Personal charisma????

  9. Josephus

    Can anyone please send a copyright free, clear pic of a sailing ship type circa 1780 that I can put it on a t shirt with the text : Boat people – send it to AIMN who have my e mail please.
    For a whole lot of them they would be cheaper per item, so is anyone else interested? I would do this pro bono ie divide total cost up fairly, adding postage only.

    The above satire is so nightmarishly plausible that comedians are out of a job.

  10. Kyran

    As you quite rightly detail, there is no longer a line between reality and satire. I was greatly surprised this morning when the sun came up, such was the Armageddon like rantings of the imbeciles, Dud-do and Scummo, last night. That they have now gone ballistic in their hysteria is beyond any semblance of comedy or satire. Goodness, even MSM are routinely tripping them up on their blatant lies.
    There was a lovely comment on The Guardian’s live blog yesterday, which I carelessly failed to note the author of. The comment was “Ready, Fire, Aim”, pertaining to the constitutional crisis foretold by the un-Christian porter (as in baggage handler, of which he has mishandled a lot). The comment referenced the careless manner in which this government loads high calibre weapons and points them directly at their own limbs. It referenced “Dutto the gunslinger” and noted “Porter wasn’t much of a shot”.
    Un-Christian had a problem when the senate passed the motion in December, but the hapless fool didn’t seek legal advice (from a repeatedly failed solicitor general) until February, which he tried to both use and conceal. That the weapon was diffused so easily belied the many constitutional crises this government has caused. Does anyone know if Dud-do will face his own Sect 44 waterloo, or is that all forgotten now? Talk about illegal entries, hey?
    Anyhoo, back to your piece. “They’d point out that, whichever way you look at it, the boat got through on your watch, so you can’t blame Labor.”
    Do you mean like this?

    As for another observation, “Of course, a luxury hotel in Sydney wouldn’t be a disincentive”, it should be noted that, in keeping with its unbelievable ability to spend money without regard for cost, we actually pay nearly $500k per prisoner for accommodation at the moment.

    Detention costs

    Surely the ‘people smugglers’ have worked out that the better business model for them is in the hotel and accommodation side of the abuse, rather than the transportation. Our government only paid a fraction of that amount on transportation.

    If your income is reliant on work as a satirist, you may well have to line up at Centrelink. Wait till you see what awaits you there!
    Thankyou Mr Brisbane and commenters. Take care

  11. Rossleigh

    Josephus: Try Creative Commons

  12. Rossleigh

    Quote from Scottie “Shoutie man” Morrison today:

    “I’m here, and I will stop you.”

    Don’t know about asylum seekers, but it’d certainly stop me!!!

  13. Zoe Brain

    KIM CARR, LABOR SENATOR FOR VICTORIA: Did a boat arrive on Sabo Island on the 20th of August?


    KIM CARR: And did it involve six Chinese nationals?


    KIM CARR: And was there a New Guinean people smuggler involved?

    MICHAEL OUTRAM: There was a New Guinean person on there, yes.

    KIM CARR: So why is that not an arrival in Australia?

    MICHAEL OUTRAM: It’s not an arrival under the scope of Operation Sovereign Borders. Is that what you mean?

    KIM CARR: Oh, I see. So, I wanted to be clear. So, just so long as we understand what 1,000 days means. It doesn’t mean Chinese? It doesn’t mean East Coast?

    MICHAEL OUTRAM: No, no. Senator, no. We get illegal arrivals in Australia at the border all the time and have done for many years, as you know. The reason OSB [Operation Sovereign Borders] was set up was not to deal with Papua New Guinea. As I articulated, it was to do with people arriving on the high seas, primarily out of Indonesia and Sri Lanka. Sometimes when a boat arrives, it actually doesn’t. It depends on where it comes from.

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