Now, there have been a lot of people on social media taking swipes at Scott Morrison for giving what they consider to be inconsistent advice. Nothing could be further from the truth. He has consistently told people to do as they’re told and not to question anything… particularly if they’re a journalist from the ABC.
The Prime Minister has been taking advice from the medical experts and those people who are questioning him have no business doing so, even if they are a doctor or an immunologist because the advice the PM is taking is the best medical advice. How does he know it’s the best? Well, if it wasn’t the best he wouldn’t be taking it, would he?
It’s only those naughty people who aren’t applying social distancing that have led to this need to introduce harsher restrictions. Them, and the fact that several infected people disembarked from a cruise ship without anybody stopping them. This was a major stuff-up by the NSW government and had nothing to do with the Commonwealth because Peter Dutton is in charge of Border Force and they couldn’t do anything owing to the fact that Dutton has been following the best medical advice and washing his hands. So far, he has washed his hands of any responsibility for anything that’s happening, but he has promised to arrest anybody purchasing more than two rolls of toilet paper which he can do under the special Australian Hoarder Force powers.
However, thanks to the misinformation being put out by the ignorant and mischievous, there is some confusion about exactly what we’re meant to do, so I’ve prepared a list of Frequently Asked Questions. Not only that, I’ve also done something that the government may like to copy and provided a list of Infrequently Given Answers. Actually, any actual answer to the question asked would be a great improvement.
FAQs
Why is Parliament closing?
There are two reasons for this. First, it would be unwise to have politicians travel and congregate in large numbers. Second, Parliament is an unwelcome distraction for the PM when facing such a major crisis.
Why aren’t schools closing?
The best medical advice suggests that children are largely safe from the virus and the one or two percent who have a bad reaction aren’t worth worrying about in the scheme of things.
But can’t younger people catch the virus at school and pass it on, and doesn’t the fact that many of them will be asymptomatic increase the risk that they’ll infect others?
The best medical advice says to keep the schools open and as for any suggestion that they could pass on the virus, shut up and stop being alarmist!
Why are weddings only allowed five people while funerals are allowed ten?
Simply, you only get buried once but there is no limit to the amount of weddings you may have.
Aren’t there more than five people at the PM’s press conference?
Yes, but we are looking at plans to restrict future pressers to five. This includes the PM, the CMO, the PM’s press secretary, an AFP officer and the journalist chosen after they all submit their questions for pre-approval.
Why are hairdressers allowed to stay open?
This is an essential service because Bronwyn Bishop said she would just die if she couldn’t get her hair set. However, all hairdressers need to apply appropriate social distancing protocols and stay at least 1.5 metres from any customer so there should be no chance of passing on the virus.
Are shopping centres closed?
The simple answer is: Yes. However, they should close if they have a food court, but not if the food court is a takeaway. If that’s the case then the food may be sold, but it may not be eaten at the point of sale. Where the shopping centre has an essential service such as a supermarket, a pharmacy or a brothel, then that shop may remain open, but no more than four people per square metre… or was that four metres per square person. Whichever, no more than 100 people can be inside at any time so unless you count the number of people already there and find that it’s less than that, you may not enter unless it’s an open-air mall, in which case the number is higher but still requires you keep appropriate distances from other shoppers and any children that you may have brought with you.
What should I do if I am returning from overseas?
You must self-isolate straight away without any detours like to the supermarket or the chemist. If you need anything, please just wait until the fourteen-day period is over. You should not see any relatives so don’t get them to pick you up. Take public transport because you shouldn’t be infecting the taxi or Uber driver.
With Parliament out of action until August what about vital pieces of legislation like the Ensuring Integrity Bill, the Religious Discrimination Bill and anything else that needs to be passed?
The best medical advice suggests that we shouldn’t add to people’s stress by talking about a lot of potentially divisive topics at a time like this. If Parliament were to sit there’d be a lot of yelling and people would want to bring up things that could cause PTSD like the Sports Rorts and what’s happened to the Bushfire Emergency Fund?
As children are allowed in groups of twenty or more at school, does that mean that there is no problem with them playing soccer in the park with a small group of friends?
School is an essential part of their lives, whereas going outside and exercising is a luxury that will cause them all to be struck down instantly. Please don’t make us weld your door shut like they did in China.
The PM keeps telling us that he’s happy to send his kids to school but there are reports that they aren’t actually at school…
The Prime Minister’s family is off-limits and can only be mentioned by him when he’s trying to make a political point or justify taking a holiday. For anyone else to mention them is intrusive and a violation of the unwritten code.
Speaking of unwritten, what about that “unwritten contract” with employers to rehire people when this is all over?
The government has an implicit contract which means that by giving employers the money that they will be doing everything they can to help get the government re-elected and this won’t just be in the form of donations but there’ll be a clear expectation that they give people at least one hour’s work a week to help get the unemployment numbers down.
Ok, I think that’s covered most things, but if there’s anything I’ve missed please feel free to drop Scott Morrison a line so he can clarify it in one of his daily press conferences where he tells us what a great job he’s doing and how everything would be bonza if we’d only be fair dinkum and just be Australians and do the right thing and have a go.
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